I know we officially started the Fall season a week ago with the Autumnal Equinox in full force. But I've always associated Fall with October and not September. I have a lot of childhood memories in October of picking up leaves from our giant oak tree in the backyard. Now that September is ending, the Fall effect is now starting to have it's toll on me.
Looking at the future weather forecasts is not terribly comforting either. The next couple of days will be warm, then we take a harsh dip into frighteningly cold temperatures. (Which I guess gives me an excuse to wear my sweet new jacket.) In my mind, this validates my October-Fall relationship. Cold and shitty. In all honestly, I do like October. It's my second favorite month next to July. I think it's a nice medium ground between Fall and Winter. It can be warm and cold but usually cold. But the trees are pretty at least. I like to try to drive up a canyon in October at least once a year so I can admire the change in colors and the rattling of the leaves on the ground. There is something satisfying about watching all the pretty leaves blow in the wind. I guess it paints a surreal and somewhat nostalgic picture memory in my head. Though, I would take lively green trees in warm weather any day, it is a nice change from time to time.
This also means that my outdoor adventures will be rapidly coming to an end as it gets colder. I hate winter. I want to try to go fishing as much as possible so I can enjoy the outdoors before it becomes inhospitable to my mood and well-being. Speaking of fishing, I went fly fishing for the first time yesterday, which rocked. I sucked at it, but it was at least fun. I hope to go a couple more times before it gets out of control cold. But I definitely need some regular fishing time before it's too late.
I wonder if this winter will be better. My mood is always a little depressed in the winter but since I'm awake in the daytime now, I can't help but wonder if my winter mood will improve a little.
Well September, I'm glad you are practically over. You are always a symbol of the unwanted change to from Summer to Fall. But, I guess you are one of the better Septembers I've had.
Here is to October and the upcoming Winter season. Let's hope you hold more promise than the previous ones before.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
My Music
Most people love music. Many people claim to be "music lovers" and often imply that their tastes in music are superior to your own. But that's the best thing about music. The way it makes you feel great and superior even if it is a false sense of superiority. I love music but have faded from the latest music scene in recent years, leaving me to cling the bands I knew, like most generations do.
I just purchased the latest Blink 182 album and have been pleasantly surprised. Despite many people's mainstream dislike of their music or status, they will always have a special place in my heart. I credit them for getting me into music in the first place and to start playing instruments. Listening to their old stuff takes me back to heavily nostalgic times. Listening to their new stuff provides me with an on going connection to an old source of musical inspiration. I miss music in that way. Looking for musical inspiration in new material was/is one of my favorite things to do.
I am not ashamed of my musical tastes. Music is not a status. Music is a tool to connect yourself to various parts of your mind and emotions. From the song that has shitty lyrics but makes you want to dance because it feels good, to the sad song that speaks to you because you need something to relate to. From the catchy song that you can sing along to at the top of your lungs in your car to the perfect song playing in the background that makes a lasting memory. Music provides people with an identity for a lot of people. Music provides a temporary escape from reality. Music provides us with feelings we sometimes didn't know we had. Music gives us a connection to others with similar tastes. You're never too old to appreciate it. You're never too young to start appreciating it.
Music has provided me with all these things and more. I may not be strictly involved with it as a lifestyle, but I still live and breathe music as I did the first day I became involved with it. It will take nothing short of debilitating senility to pry me from it.
I just purchased the latest Blink 182 album and have been pleasantly surprised. Despite many people's mainstream dislike of their music or status, they will always have a special place in my heart. I credit them for getting me into music in the first place and to start playing instruments. Listening to their old stuff takes me back to heavily nostalgic times. Listening to their new stuff provides me with an on going connection to an old source of musical inspiration. I miss music in that way. Looking for musical inspiration in new material was/is one of my favorite things to do.
I am not ashamed of my musical tastes. Music is not a status. Music is a tool to connect yourself to various parts of your mind and emotions. From the song that has shitty lyrics but makes you want to dance because it feels good, to the sad song that speaks to you because you need something to relate to. From the catchy song that you can sing along to at the top of your lungs in your car to the perfect song playing in the background that makes a lasting memory. Music provides people with an identity for a lot of people. Music provides a temporary escape from reality. Music provides us with feelings we sometimes didn't know we had. Music gives us a connection to others with similar tastes. You're never too old to appreciate it. You're never too young to start appreciating it.
Music has provided me with all these things and more. I may not be strictly involved with it as a lifestyle, but I still live and breathe music as I did the first day I became involved with it. It will take nothing short of debilitating senility to pry me from it.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Back to Weight Loss
I fell off the wagon over the Summer. I mean, REALLY fell off of it. (Not literally, dumbass. I'm just emphasizing my wayward discourse from healthy eating.) I thought Summer was going to be a time of unimaginable exercise and adventure. Which it kind of was, but mostly it was fun. When I have fun, I eat. After a fishing trip, a burger from a local burger joint was the perfect supplement to the fun. When meeting with friends, a beer and more terrible food was usually in order. This is probably the first time that my eating was not stress related but fun related.
However, in all the fun, I lost sight of the work I had accomplished. I didn't bother exercising though I had meant to, I was just having too much fun exploring and fishing. I enjoyed sleeping in and working less. I enjoyed seeing friends and family. I thought I had plenty of room and time to lose the weight I would likely gain. Turns out, I gained much more than I really wanted. So now, I'm back to square one. I'm not huge like I was, but I'm certainly on the fringe of upgrading to medium scrubs, so let's just put it that way. Fortunately for me, I lose weight easily and quickly. But unfortunately, I gain it just as fast and easily. I walk a fine line keeping in shape.
I've realized this problem for quite some time. I've attempted to fix this in a half-hearted fashion on a couple of occasions which unsurprisingly didn't work. Now I'm back to the committment. I would really like to remain skinny since it is satisfying on a mental and physical level. After watching my dad struggle with some health problems, I have been again inspired to watch myself carefully to avoid following closely in those footsteps. I do not wish to pay for my present indulgences later on when my quality of health could be degrading as a result. I notice that when I'm in shape, my overall mentality is better and my stress is better managed.
Well here is to getting back on the wagon. May my ass be less jiggly in the coming months.
However, in all the fun, I lost sight of the work I had accomplished. I didn't bother exercising though I had meant to, I was just having too much fun exploring and fishing. I enjoyed sleeping in and working less. I enjoyed seeing friends and family. I thought I had plenty of room and time to lose the weight I would likely gain. Turns out, I gained much more than I really wanted. So now, I'm back to square one. I'm not huge like I was, but I'm certainly on the fringe of upgrading to medium scrubs, so let's just put it that way. Fortunately for me, I lose weight easily and quickly. But unfortunately, I gain it just as fast and easily. I walk a fine line keeping in shape.
I've realized this problem for quite some time. I've attempted to fix this in a half-hearted fashion on a couple of occasions which unsurprisingly didn't work. Now I'm back to the committment. I would really like to remain skinny since it is satisfying on a mental and physical level. After watching my dad struggle with some health problems, I have been again inspired to watch myself carefully to avoid following closely in those footsteps. I do not wish to pay for my present indulgences later on when my quality of health could be degrading as a result. I notice that when I'm in shape, my overall mentality is better and my stress is better managed.
Well here is to getting back on the wagon. May my ass be less jiggly in the coming months.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Seat Filling
Fridays at the library are the best. They are practically devoid of loud idiots and seat fillers. By seat filler, I mean someone who has selected a seat with the intention of studying, but has not and will not study. They merely take up the space and attempt to look busy when they are really on Facebook or sleeping. This is not unlike the fat guy at the gym who sits at one machine forever and does something exercise related every 10 minutes or so, but has no real intention of really exercising.
Currently, I'm the only one in this part of the library. It's wonderful. Everyone else is out having a life, or something. Who knows, who cares. More quiet library for me, suckers.
Now you might be asking yourself as you read this, "Aren't you just being a seat filler by blogging instead of studying?" The answer to that is "Yes, but......" no one else wants my seat. There is an abundance of seats for other people. No one is walking by and rolling their eyes at me because I'm taking up space they need for the work they might do. Have I been a seat filler in the past? Yes, numerous times. However, I find that when I blog before or during studying, it warms up my brain to do work. Gets it in the mood to do some real thinking. It's like warming up your car in the snowy driveway so it's nice and warm when you have to drive somewhere. Well same thing. I'm warming up my brain for when I have to use it for real work.
Well not quite the same thing since warming up my brain doesn't cause CO2 emissions to clog up in our atmosphere. Instead, warming my brain produces terrible blogs that clog up valuable space on the internet that could be used for something that would be otherwise useful like porn and sites about cats in funny poses.
I do have to say that I am now addicted to Pandora Radio. It has helped me study by playing all the gentle piano and classical music that I have ever wanted. Thank you Pandora. You have changed me from a skeptic to your faithful servant as there is very little I wouldn't do for good music.
Well, I will leave you all with a terrible picture of myself today in my glasses and noise-cancelling headphones. My real motive was to try the front facing camera on my new phone. But since my blog lacks pictures, I figured I would follow what everyone is doing on their blogs and post a picture of myself. That seems to be the right thing to do. It should shut everyone up about my blogs lack of pictures for a while. It will keep people from asking "Why don't you post any pictures of yourself or your life often?" Well for one thing I'm not photogenic. I'm a professional picture ruiner. It's a highly prestigious self-title. Many pictures I am in are ruined by goofy facial expressions I didn't mean to cause. I therefore attempt to avoid being in pictures in an effort to save the world of photography from collapsing upon itself in dismay and shame. It's really a humanitarian thing.
You're welcome, photography.
Currently, I'm the only one in this part of the library. It's wonderful. Everyone else is out having a life, or something. Who knows, who cares. More quiet library for me, suckers.
Now you might be asking yourself as you read this, "Aren't you just being a seat filler by blogging instead of studying?" The answer to that is "Yes, but......" no one else wants my seat. There is an abundance of seats for other people. No one is walking by and rolling their eyes at me because I'm taking up space they need for the work they might do. Have I been a seat filler in the past? Yes, numerous times. However, I find that when I blog before or during studying, it warms up my brain to do work. Gets it in the mood to do some real thinking. It's like warming up your car in the snowy driveway so it's nice and warm when you have to drive somewhere. Well same thing. I'm warming up my brain for when I have to use it for real work.
Well not quite the same thing since warming up my brain doesn't cause CO2 emissions to clog up in our atmosphere. Instead, warming my brain produces terrible blogs that clog up valuable space on the internet that could be used for something that would be otherwise useful like porn and sites about cats in funny poses.
I do have to say that I am now addicted to Pandora Radio. It has helped me study by playing all the gentle piano and classical music that I have ever wanted. Thank you Pandora. You have changed me from a skeptic to your faithful servant as there is very little I wouldn't do for good music.
Well, I will leave you all with a terrible picture of myself today in my glasses and noise-cancelling headphones. My real motive was to try the front facing camera on my new phone. But since my blog lacks pictures, I figured I would follow what everyone is doing on their blogs and post a picture of myself. That seems to be the right thing to do. It should shut everyone up about my blogs lack of pictures for a while. It will keep people from asking "Why don't you post any pictures of yourself or your life often?" Well for one thing I'm not photogenic. I'm a professional picture ruiner. It's a highly prestigious self-title. Many pictures I am in are ruined by goofy facial expressions I didn't mean to cause. I therefore attempt to avoid being in pictures in an effort to save the world of photography from collapsing upon itself in dismay and shame. It's really a humanitarian thing.
You're welcome, photography.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Jackets
I hate the cold. Every day I wake up it seems to get a little colder, letting me know that Fall is practically here. The only thing that makes the cold even remotely bearable is that there is a lot of sweet track jackets out there.
I have always loved jackets. But I didn't truly start to become obsessive until I was about 19 when I worked at Local. That was the year I got quite a few sweet track jackets. At first, it was a Hurley jacket that matched my sense of plainness. Then I got a couple of super light jackets from a local company called Aquit. From there, my love for jackets just took off. I got a new one per year. They tended to be cheaper but looked good at least. Then I got into the heavy expensive stuff like The North Face, Mountain Hardwear and Arcteryx. They all have awesome but audaciously expensive jackets. Most of my jackets tend to be track jackets since they look good but aren't too heavy or fluffy. It makes me fairly under-dressed for the winter months but I can't help it.
I haven't counted recently, but I must have close to 20 jackets I rotate through now; some more than others. I'm already contemplating my next track jacket related purchase for this Fall, which I am tremendously excited about. This has also inspired me to lose the weight I gained recently. All three of those company's jackets tend to run a little small for slim figures. Although, I still fit into them in a size small just fine, it's a little unflattering. A size medium is always too big. Therefore, weight loss is the only alternative for maximum track jacket wearing potential. If only there was a size "smedium." A hybrid concoction size of small and medium merged together to be in between the two sizes. But unfortunately, no where offers a size smedium. I will just have to try to fit better into a size small again. Which is fine with me. I could stand to lose that extra weight anyway.
So there you have it. My love for jackets is out there and open to the world.
P.S: It is no longer opposite day today. The library is back to quietness and I got my office back. I neglected to mention in my last blog that I also did not get to study in my "office" that day. All is right again in the world.
I have always loved jackets. But I didn't truly start to become obsessive until I was about 19 when I worked at Local. That was the year I got quite a few sweet track jackets. At first, it was a Hurley jacket that matched my sense of plainness. Then I got a couple of super light jackets from a local company called Aquit. From there, my love for jackets just took off. I got a new one per year. They tended to be cheaper but looked good at least. Then I got into the heavy expensive stuff like The North Face, Mountain Hardwear and Arcteryx. They all have awesome but audaciously expensive jackets. Most of my jackets tend to be track jackets since they look good but aren't too heavy or fluffy. It makes me fairly under-dressed for the winter months but I can't help it.
I haven't counted recently, but I must have close to 20 jackets I rotate through now; some more than others. I'm already contemplating my next track jacket related purchase for this Fall, which I am tremendously excited about. This has also inspired me to lose the weight I gained recently. All three of those company's jackets tend to run a little small for slim figures. Although, I still fit into them in a size small just fine, it's a little unflattering. A size medium is always too big. Therefore, weight loss is the only alternative for maximum track jacket wearing potential. If only there was a size "smedium." A hybrid concoction size of small and medium merged together to be in between the two sizes. But unfortunately, no where offers a size smedium. I will just have to try to fit better into a size small again. Which is fine with me. I could stand to lose that extra weight anyway.
So there you have it. My love for jackets is out there and open to the world.
P.S: It is no longer opposite day today. The library is back to quietness and I got my office back. I neglected to mention in my last blog that I also did not get to study in my "office" that day. All is right again in the world.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Opposite Day
Today must be an "opposite day" of some kind. I was uninformed about this, apparently.
How have I jumped to this conclusion?
Currently, I'm attempting to study in the library. Usually this is a day I have no problem studying. But today I seem to be having an extraordinary amount of problems studying or concentrating. But that's just the most minor of my clues as to how today is uniformly opposite. The people in the library today are ludicrously loud in what is supposed to be the "quiet" section. Yet, despite the obvious distinction that this part of the library is supposed to be "quiet," everyone around me (employees included) seems to have it in their head that it's ok to have loud conversations in loud groups. The employees also seem to be under the impression that it's ok to slam books on metal shelving. In fact, as I write this, one of the library employees has parked a metal cart directly behind my chair and is casually tossing books on to the cart, which of course causes a loud banging noise. While the employee has been doing this, they have been carrying on above "outside" voice conversations with students on how to find certain books. Now this part of the library is certainly more quiet than 50 feet behind me, where it is practically a stadium of students doing a group project. Each student trying to talk over each other with answers. Again, despite the numerous signs in the library that indicate this portion of the library as the "quiet" section, these people continue on their merry way with their study group which can take place in just about any other part of the library not designated as the "quiet" portion. It has also come to my attention that some people think it's ok to carry all the papers you need in your pocket. Some dumbass in a book aisle almost directly behind me seems to have bottomless pockets full of folded papers needed for school. Every other minute or so, a new paper will come out of their pocket and will require loud unfolding with crinkly paper. Seriously, please invest in a notebook or at least a backpack you inconsiderate ass. Oh and it's awesome that sitting directly in the middle of aisle is where you've decided to plant yourself despite the many available desks and tables available. You could at least sit off the side of the aisle where people could get around you. But nope, you are right in the middle where no one could get passed you without hurdling over you.
Other clues that have led me to believe of the opposite nature of today is the abnormal amount of traffic I have encountered on the streets. No construction. Not a busy part of the day. I took back roads and yet every one of them seemed to be full. Despite getting a much needed full night's rest, I feel drained, not rested. Despite having been eating healthy this week, I have gained 2 pounds.
What's next? Did I marry a man and not realize it too? Or maybe perhaps my hair just turned blond and my tan skin has dematerialized into near transparent pastiness. Hell, I might walk back to my car to find that I own a gas guzzling truck from 1976 or a unicycle chained to a lamppost. And at this point there is no guarantees I still live in Utah. I could walk out and find myself magically transported to Delaware where I go by the name "Jack McSaxon." In Delaware I would be a suave, suspender-wearing hipster with a heart of gold. My awesomeness would be so awesome that I could make inanimate objects come to sentience just by walking by them. I could walk by a plastic plant that would try to hug me as I walked by. Sidewalks would thank me as I walked on them.
Pretty much, all bets are off! Anything can happen today. If a library can be this obnoxiously loud, then I don't see why I can't be Jack McSaxon from Delaware. (As I typed that sentence, some ass-hat in a desk down the row from me answers their loud ringing cell phone in just an equally loud voice.)
UUUUUGGGGGHHHH!
Seriously people, shut the fuck up!
How have I jumped to this conclusion?
Currently, I'm attempting to study in the library. Usually this is a day I have no problem studying. But today I seem to be having an extraordinary amount of problems studying or concentrating. But that's just the most minor of my clues as to how today is uniformly opposite. The people in the library today are ludicrously loud in what is supposed to be the "quiet" section. Yet, despite the obvious distinction that this part of the library is supposed to be "quiet," everyone around me (employees included) seems to have it in their head that it's ok to have loud conversations in loud groups. The employees also seem to be under the impression that it's ok to slam books on metal shelving. In fact, as I write this, one of the library employees has parked a metal cart directly behind my chair and is casually tossing books on to the cart, which of course causes a loud banging noise. While the employee has been doing this, they have been carrying on above "outside" voice conversations with students on how to find certain books. Now this part of the library is certainly more quiet than 50 feet behind me, where it is practically a stadium of students doing a group project. Each student trying to talk over each other with answers. Again, despite the numerous signs in the library that indicate this portion of the library as the "quiet" section, these people continue on their merry way with their study group which can take place in just about any other part of the library not designated as the "quiet" portion. It has also come to my attention that some people think it's ok to carry all the papers you need in your pocket. Some dumbass in a book aisle almost directly behind me seems to have bottomless pockets full of folded papers needed for school. Every other minute or so, a new paper will come out of their pocket and will require loud unfolding with crinkly paper. Seriously, please invest in a notebook or at least a backpack you inconsiderate ass. Oh and it's awesome that sitting directly in the middle of aisle is where you've decided to plant yourself despite the many available desks and tables available. You could at least sit off the side of the aisle where people could get around you. But nope, you are right in the middle where no one could get passed you without hurdling over you.
Other clues that have led me to believe of the opposite nature of today is the abnormal amount of traffic I have encountered on the streets. No construction. Not a busy part of the day. I took back roads and yet every one of them seemed to be full. Despite getting a much needed full night's rest, I feel drained, not rested. Despite having been eating healthy this week, I have gained 2 pounds.
What's next? Did I marry a man and not realize it too? Or maybe perhaps my hair just turned blond and my tan skin has dematerialized into near transparent pastiness. Hell, I might walk back to my car to find that I own a gas guzzling truck from 1976 or a unicycle chained to a lamppost. And at this point there is no guarantees I still live in Utah. I could walk out and find myself magically transported to Delaware where I go by the name "Jack McSaxon." In Delaware I would be a suave, suspender-wearing hipster with a heart of gold. My awesomeness would be so awesome that I could make inanimate objects come to sentience just by walking by them. I could walk by a plastic plant that would try to hug me as I walked by. Sidewalks would thank me as I walked on them.
Pretty much, all bets are off! Anything can happen today. If a library can be this obnoxiously loud, then I don't see why I can't be Jack McSaxon from Delaware. (As I typed that sentence, some ass-hat in a desk down the row from me answers their loud ringing cell phone in just an equally loud voice.)
UUUUUGGGGGHHHH!
Seriously people, shut the fuck up!
Monday, September 19, 2011
Mildly Positive
I'm straining to be positive right now. So much so it looks like I'm about to have a bowel movement if I strain any harder. Wouldn't that be something?
Bystander: Dude, what happened? Why do you smell like poo?
Me: Well I was straining so hard to be postive about a dismal situation that I shit my pants instead.
Bystander: Don't you think that might be straining too hard?
Me: Maybe.
That would at least make for a good story. Plus it would make a sweet point regarding my failing "can-do" attitude at work.
Sigh*
Now I'm in class waiting for the course to even begin. This campus smells like the Lagoon theme park on a busy Friday night. A mixture of cigarette smoke, bad cologne, vomit, and teenage carnies fill the air of the SLCC Redwood campus. Not a pleasant smell to be around. Even the sights are somewhat similar. Tooth decayed douchebags carry on about irrelevant conversations smothered in unnecessary jargon to create the illusion of an intelligent conversation. The only thing missing here is mediocre roller coasters, crying babies and overpriced fried food. I guess I would take Lagoon over this any day, but still.
I'm going to try to remain positive for the last 3 hours of my day.
Maybe it will yield better results this time.
Bystander: Dude, what happened? Why do you smell like poo?
Me: Well I was straining so hard to be postive about a dismal situation that I shit my pants instead.
Bystander: Don't you think that might be straining too hard?
Me: Maybe.
That would at least make for a good story. Plus it would make a sweet point regarding my failing "can-do" attitude at work.
Sigh*
Now I'm in class waiting for the course to even begin. This campus smells like the Lagoon theme park on a busy Friday night. A mixture of cigarette smoke, bad cologne, vomit, and teenage carnies fill the air of the SLCC Redwood campus. Not a pleasant smell to be around. Even the sights are somewhat similar. Tooth decayed douchebags carry on about irrelevant conversations smothered in unnecessary jargon to create the illusion of an intelligent conversation. The only thing missing here is mediocre roller coasters, crying babies and overpriced fried food. I guess I would take Lagoon over this any day, but still.
I'm going to try to remain positive for the last 3 hours of my day.
Maybe it will yield better results this time.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Step Into My Office.....
Because you're fuckin' fired.
Had to throw out that "There's Something About Mary" quote. It's one of my favorites.
This is where I always try study at the SLCC library. I affectionately refer to it as "my office."
Same desk, same place, every time. The window is nice for moral and it's at the end where no one is likely to sit next to me, bonus! The only thing missing in this picture is a pastry (which I had already eaten before taking this picture.). But as you can see, it's a pretty sweet set-up with my noise cancelling headphones and my coffee.
Since I've started working days, studying does not seem to be as big of a struggle. At night, it was always a struggle to pay attention. During the day it just feels right to be studying. I guess it helps my day not feel so useless and wasted. I have actually enjoyed it to some extent. It's almost a feeling of purpose.
Well I'm done with my office tour. Enjoy your weekend and.....
GO UTES!!!!
Had to throw out that "There's Something About Mary" quote. It's one of my favorites.
Same desk, same place, every time. The window is nice for moral and it's at the end where no one is likely to sit next to me, bonus! The only thing missing in this picture is a pastry (which I had already eaten before taking this picture.). But as you can see, it's a pretty sweet set-up with my noise cancelling headphones and my coffee.
Since I've started working days, studying does not seem to be as big of a struggle. At night, it was always a struggle to pay attention. During the day it just feels right to be studying. I guess it helps my day not feel so useless and wasted. I have actually enjoyed it to some extent. It's almost a feeling of purpose.
Well I'm done with my office tour. Enjoy your weekend and.....
GO UTES!!!!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Real School
I feel like this year is the first year I've really cracked down on school. Like really buckled down. It's a good feeling. I thought of all my past attempts to buckle down and get it together and laugh. Other times I look back with regret. It's hard for me to believe that almost 2 years ago that I had moved to Ogden thinking Weber would solve those problems. Although it was an ok, experience, I look back and regret it. It did nothing for me. But that was mostly because of my schedule and my overwhelming fear of school.
I guess I just want to be done with where I am and move forward. In the end, it will all be worth it. I look at all the people I know who had the fortitude to finish school. I admire them. I wish I had the same drive. But I'm starting to feel that my drive is no longer superficial but a heart-driven inspiration to change my circumstances.
But anywho........ Otherwise, all is well. I'll try to have a better post next time.
No promises.
I guess I just want to be done with where I am and move forward. In the end, it will all be worth it. I look at all the people I know who had the fortitude to finish school. I admire them. I wish I had the same drive. But I'm starting to feel that my drive is no longer superficial but a heart-driven inspiration to change my circumstances.
But anywho........ Otherwise, all is well. I'll try to have a better post next time.
No promises.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Improved
After writing my time compromise manifesto, things improved. I'm assuming my thrilling letter to present time was convincing enough since the rest of my week had substantially improved.
First, I started off my days of improvement with a marathon of my favorite cartoon, "The Venture Brothers." This practically regenerated all of my moral. I continued this for 3 days and had finished 3 out of the 4 seasons. Woot.
Next, I finally got paid. This would solve a lot of my woes. I used this money to do things that needed to be accomplished for a long time. I got the new phone I had been waitinng for for months. Thank you, Droid Bionic (Now that I have a working camera on my phone I can start posting relevant pictures again...not that I did that very often, but still.). Then, I got a much needed haircut. After, I met up with some friends for a delightful dinner at Sapas. I'm not a huge fan of Sushi, so I just had noodles which were ok. We then met up at a small bar for small talk and beer. This also went a long way towards repairing my angry burnout of last week.
Finally, on my last day of freedom and soul-repair, I met up with my friends again to watch the U game on tv. This featured delicious sandwiches, beer, chips and deserts. Even though the U lost to USC in a heartbreaking effort, a good time was had by all. In fact, watching college football on Saturday might be a more regular event. That would rock.
Now it's back to the grind of work and hard study again. But this extra time to repair myself mentally has been quite useful. Hopefully, I won't need to do repair again. I would rather just do regular maintenance.
Anyway, that's enough mental metaphor for today.
First, I started off my days of improvement with a marathon of my favorite cartoon, "The Venture Brothers." This practically regenerated all of my moral. I continued this for 3 days and had finished 3 out of the 4 seasons. Woot.
Next, I finally got paid. This would solve a lot of my woes. I used this money to do things that needed to be accomplished for a long time. I got the new phone I had been waitinng for for months. Thank you, Droid Bionic (Now that I have a working camera on my phone I can start posting relevant pictures again...not that I did that very often, but still.). Then, I got a much needed haircut. After, I met up with some friends for a delightful dinner at Sapas. I'm not a huge fan of Sushi, so I just had noodles which were ok. We then met up at a small bar for small talk and beer. This also went a long way towards repairing my angry burnout of last week.
Finally, on my last day of freedom and soul-repair, I met up with my friends again to watch the U game on tv. This featured delicious sandwiches, beer, chips and deserts. Even though the U lost to USC in a heartbreaking effort, a good time was had by all. In fact, watching college football on Saturday might be a more regular event. That would rock.
Now it's back to the grind of work and hard study again. But this extra time to repair myself mentally has been quite useful. Hopefully, I won't need to do repair again. I would rather just do regular maintenance.
Anyway, that's enough mental metaphor for today.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Acne Explanation
It's a scientific fact that testosterone contributes a great deal when it comes to acne. (Seriously, I didn't make that up this time.) Since that is the case, I assume I must be producing excess testosterone in gallon quantities. Excess manliness, if you will.
My face is breaking out like crazy. I'm assuming I must be a testosterone producing machine. I have so much that my body needs to get rid of it by pushing it out of my pores as other ways of excretion are too slow/ineffective. But the problem is there is too much trying to escape through my pores at once so it gets stuck and forms a zit instead. Stress is also a known cause of acne, which I have plenty of. I theorize that when I get stressed that I produce triple the amount of manliness in order for my body to be physiologically ready to combat the stressful situation(s).
I wonder if I would have got more dates in high school if I explained to girls that my acne (which was at it's worst then) was the result of my excess manliness try to shed itself from my body unsuccessfully. It might have worked. Girls in high school were always trying to date guys who were "mature." Nothing says mature like insane amounts of trapped manliness in the form of zits. Even if they didn't believe me, I would have probably still got points for effort, creativity and wit.
*(Nothing would have changed. I was still antisocial, and more offensively awkward then. Although I thought I was witty, girls tend not to dig that kind of thing at that age anyway.)
Ok, so I'm probably not sweating and pissing manliness in excess. But I am breaking out like crazy anyway. Lousy stress. This always happens at the beginning and end of a semester.
But I will level with you, higher testosterone levels cause the body to produce more hormones that cause you to produce more oils that get trapped and cause zits to form.
True shit. Google that.
My face is breaking out like crazy. I'm assuming I must be a testosterone producing machine. I have so much that my body needs to get rid of it by pushing it out of my pores as other ways of excretion are too slow/ineffective. But the problem is there is too much trying to escape through my pores at once so it gets stuck and forms a zit instead. Stress is also a known cause of acne, which I have plenty of. I theorize that when I get stressed that I produce triple the amount of manliness in order for my body to be physiologically ready to combat the stressful situation(s).
I wonder if I would have got more dates in high school if I explained to girls that my acne (which was at it's worst then) was the result of my excess manliness try to shed itself from my body unsuccessfully. It might have worked. Girls in high school were always trying to date guys who were "mature." Nothing says mature like insane amounts of trapped manliness in the form of zits. Even if they didn't believe me, I would have probably still got points for effort, creativity and wit.
*(Nothing would have changed. I was still antisocial, and more offensively awkward then. Although I thought I was witty, girls tend not to dig that kind of thing at that age anyway.)
Ok, so I'm probably not sweating and pissing manliness in excess. But I am breaking out like crazy anyway. Lousy stress. This always happens at the beginning and end of a semester.
But I will level with you, higher testosterone levels cause the body to produce more hormones that cause you to produce more oils that get trapped and cause zits to form.
True shit. Google that.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Time Compromise Manifesto
Dear shit-burger of a day, (Something grossly food related and angry. Perfect!)
It seems that there is a certain vendetta against me this past week. Today specifically seems to have a certain "screw you" type of theme to it; more so than other days. Before I get to today, let's review what your related past present friends have done to screw me over this last week. My Labor Day weekend was crapped on when I had enough homework to bore a scientist to suicide. Plus, it was also decided that after a long week, that I also help plumb a faulty pipe in the house. This took another good chunk of my long weekend. School has also robbed me of my money, thus leaving me broke and more bored than I thought imaginable. This has led me to be without Netflix for almost a full week. I almost forgot what life was like before unlimited entertainment for $9.99. It almost seems.....Empty.
I have also noticed that the present and future alike have taken a liking to wronging me in some way. Usually in the form of forcing me to work with people who are generally incapable of performing their job competently. Today also happens to be one of these days. Today, you have also forced me to sleep in by having my alarm clock malfunction. The buzzing sound was half working.In the 3 hours I've been awake I have also managed to hit every traffic light in a near empty city at the time of morning I was driving. Plus, scalded my leg with boiling hot coffee, cleaned up after the messes of other people, dealt with condescending morons......
You have turned out to be a shitty day so far, despite delicious cups of coffee fueling my consciousness. I'm sure the rest of the day is lost to this shittiness, so I propose a compromise. Please shape up to be better for the rest of the week. I realize this is a tall order since I have a test tomorrow, and other crap to study for next week. But if the future could please be a little bit more kind in helping me not fail tests and helping me get a new phone, that would be great. In return, you can make today just awful. I'm already expecting that anyway. Just please, be better this week.
Deal?
Deal.
I'm trusting you time.
Don't let me down.
Sincerely,
John
(I used my real, "grown-up" name to denote the importance of my request.)
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Inside My Head Part III
Yes, another thrilling inside look at the conversations that take place between reality and my inner-monologue.
Enjoy.
Scenario #1
Acquaintance: Are you doing anything this weekend?
My Thought: I am now.
What I Actually Say: Not sure yet, why?
Acquaintance: Want to help me move? It will be fun!
My Thought: Sorry, I already have plans to help build a snowman in Hell with Stephen Hawking and Christopher Reeve.
What I Actually Say: Oh, let me check my calendar and see if I can. I might have a test to study for this weekend.
Scenario #2
Athletic Friend: Dude, want to go mountain climbing with me some time? It's safe and fun!
My Thought: I don't share the same passion as you do for shitting my pants while suspending my life on thin pieces of rope and metal.
What I Actually Say: No thanks. I'm not really into that. It scares the hell out of me.
Scenario #3
Super Lazy Co-Worker: Will you do another IV on this patient? I would do it but I don't feel like it.
My Thought: Are you fucking serious? I used to have crazy theories to justify your laziness. Most of my theories involved physical and mental disability paychecks and evil government plots to replace competent workers with brainless imbeciles. I see now that you are just simply lazy and generally incapable of performing the most simple of tasks because you are in fact, a total idiot.
What I Actually Say: No problem! I like doing IV's!
In reality, I really wish I would have confronted this person about their laziness and incompetence. But doing so would make matters worse.
As long as I have my semi-witty thoughts brewing in my head, life tends not to be so bad.
Enjoy.
Scenario #1
Acquaintance: Are you doing anything this weekend?
My Thought: I am now.
What I Actually Say: Not sure yet, why?
Acquaintance: Want to help me move? It will be fun!
My Thought: Sorry, I already have plans to help build a snowman in Hell with Stephen Hawking and Christopher Reeve.
What I Actually Say: Oh, let me check my calendar and see if I can. I might have a test to study for this weekend.
Scenario #2
Athletic Friend: Dude, want to go mountain climbing with me some time? It's safe and fun!
My Thought: I don't share the same passion as you do for shitting my pants while suspending my life on thin pieces of rope and metal.
What I Actually Say: No thanks. I'm not really into that. It scares the hell out of me.
Scenario #3
Super Lazy Co-Worker: Will you do another IV on this patient? I would do it but I don't feel like it.
My Thought: Are you fucking serious? I used to have crazy theories to justify your laziness. Most of my theories involved physical and mental disability paychecks and evil government plots to replace competent workers with brainless imbeciles. I see now that you are just simply lazy and generally incapable of performing the most simple of tasks because you are in fact, a total idiot.
What I Actually Say: No problem! I like doing IV's!
In reality, I really wish I would have confronted this person about their laziness and incompetence. But doing so would make matters worse.
As long as I have my semi-witty thoughts brewing in my head, life tends not to be so bad.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Control
What is control? Do we crave control to bring order to our surroundings? Or is it merely an illusion we use to invalidate insecurities? In an abstract sense, there is no real answer. We all know what control is. We all have some idea what control does. But do we know how it affects us and others?
I'm beginning to see that the people who have the least going on, crave control the most.
For example, let's take a janitor in a corporate setting. People in that office building often reference janitorial work as the least valuable and most degrading, despite it being a proper function for the building. The janitor has worked there for years with no plans to change careers. He knows the job inside and out. It's not necessarily a hard job since everything is usually relatively tidy in the office. But over the years he has risen to the manager of the janitorial staff. The other janitors realize this is not a terribly difficult job either albeit unpleasant. However, they often see the manager making a big deal of small tasks and is now asking for simple chores to be done in specific fashions. Often, if these small tasks are not finished or other tasks not done in a specific way, usually leads to a reprimand. The same can be interchanged with any tedious job. I have often found that control is priority in order to increase the significance of the work (or self).
Or what about a housewife that has life pretty easy? She works a relatively low-stress, good paying job (no education required) 3-4 days a week. Her husband works 5 days a week at a high stress, higher paying job. Finances are not a problem. Kids are no longer in the house. They are moved out and relatively successful. On the side, the wife enjoys the hobby of creating crafts. Despite everything going relatively smooth, something is lacking. Nothing has to be done urgently. Is that the problem? The wife often flies off the handle over occasional messes and takes it upon herself to take care of it. A small family problem that's solved soon is turned to a gossipy mess by the wife. A laid back husband who is aloof is under constant scrutiny over everything from lifestyle to favorite foods. Is the control comforting for lack of real tasks that could demand her attention?
We all value the feeling of control over our own lives. Maybe we have to have meaningful control. Something worth living for/with. Something to do that makes us feel whole. Something we are good at. Maybe it validates our own sense of self-importance and our role in society, how we contribute to life. Is control a sense of purpose? Is that what it all boils down to? Do we owe our lives to finding a meaningful existence that keeps us busy? Is that part of what happiness is?
In some way, I hope I'm right. It might explain why some people are the way they are.
In another way, I hope I'm wrong. If life is all about work making us whole, humanity took a wrong turn somewhere.
I'm beginning to see that the people who have the least going on, crave control the most.
For example, let's take a janitor in a corporate setting. People in that office building often reference janitorial work as the least valuable and most degrading, despite it being a proper function for the building. The janitor has worked there for years with no plans to change careers. He knows the job inside and out. It's not necessarily a hard job since everything is usually relatively tidy in the office. But over the years he has risen to the manager of the janitorial staff. The other janitors realize this is not a terribly difficult job either albeit unpleasant. However, they often see the manager making a big deal of small tasks and is now asking for simple chores to be done in specific fashions. Often, if these small tasks are not finished or other tasks not done in a specific way, usually leads to a reprimand. The same can be interchanged with any tedious job. I have often found that control is priority in order to increase the significance of the work (or self).
Or what about a housewife that has life pretty easy? She works a relatively low-stress, good paying job (no education required) 3-4 days a week. Her husband works 5 days a week at a high stress, higher paying job. Finances are not a problem. Kids are no longer in the house. They are moved out and relatively successful. On the side, the wife enjoys the hobby of creating crafts. Despite everything going relatively smooth, something is lacking. Nothing has to be done urgently. Is that the problem? The wife often flies off the handle over occasional messes and takes it upon herself to take care of it. A small family problem that's solved soon is turned to a gossipy mess by the wife. A laid back husband who is aloof is under constant scrutiny over everything from lifestyle to favorite foods. Is the control comforting for lack of real tasks that could demand her attention?
We all value the feeling of control over our own lives. Maybe we have to have meaningful control. Something worth living for/with. Something to do that makes us feel whole. Something we are good at. Maybe it validates our own sense of self-importance and our role in society, how we contribute to life. Is control a sense of purpose? Is that what it all boils down to? Do we owe our lives to finding a meaningful existence that keeps us busy? Is that part of what happiness is?
In some way, I hope I'm right. It might explain why some people are the way they are.
In another way, I hope I'm wrong. If life is all about work making us whole, humanity took a wrong turn somewhere.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Make Pastries, Not War
Ok, if you're guessing that I'm stalling again, you are correct. Kudos to you clever reader. I write to you as I eat a freshly microwaved, pre-packaged danish pastry. If I was remotely competent at cooking, I think I would just make pastries all day and eat them myself. Sharing is for losers and hippies.
I'm also fairly confident that pastries could and should prevent war. I'm pretty sure if the vikings, Genghis Kahn, and Hitler had access to pastries there would be no need for war..........Unless countries had better pastries than yours, then it might be deemed necessary to invade their country in order to obtain access to these better and possibly more exotic pastries.
Ok, maybe pastries wouldn't solve combat related conflicts. But maybe they could be used to boost moral. A pastry of a soldiers choice could mean the difference between being hesitant in a firefight to blowing off the head of some asshole terrorist. How? I don't know, I'm not a scientist. But I'm sure it would have a lot to do with the poorly understood subject of the unconscious mind and the positive effect of pastries in combat situations. I would go as far as to theorize that there is a direct correlation to delicious pastries and violence. Just ask any 8 year old playing a violent video game while eating a box of Twinkies. I'm sure that kid will tell you they believe that Twinkies give them a heightened ability to kick ass in their game as opposed to their opponents who lack pastry-related nourishment.
Well my danish pastry is now gone. I have another one to eat. Should I save it despite my intense craving?
Nah, I'm feeling impulsive. I'm going to eat it now.
Lata' sucka's!
I'm also fairly confident that pastries could and should prevent war. I'm pretty sure if the vikings, Genghis Kahn, and Hitler had access to pastries there would be no need for war..........Unless countries had better pastries than yours, then it might be deemed necessary to invade their country in order to obtain access to these better and possibly more exotic pastries.
Ok, maybe pastries wouldn't solve combat related conflicts. But maybe they could be used to boost moral. A pastry of a soldiers choice could mean the difference between being hesitant in a firefight to blowing off the head of some asshole terrorist. How? I don't know, I'm not a scientist. But I'm sure it would have a lot to do with the poorly understood subject of the unconscious mind and the positive effect of pastries in combat situations. I would go as far as to theorize that there is a direct correlation to delicious pastries and violence. Just ask any 8 year old playing a violent video game while eating a box of Twinkies. I'm sure that kid will tell you they believe that Twinkies give them a heightened ability to kick ass in their game as opposed to their opponents who lack pastry-related nourishment.
Well my danish pastry is now gone. I have another one to eat. Should I save it despite my intense craving?
Nah, I'm feeling impulsive. I'm going to eat it now.
Lata' sucka's!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Gas Stations Suck
Gas stations have become unnecessarily complex lately. Every time I go to buy gas, I'm barraged with questions before I purchase.
Debit or credit?
Enter your zip code?
Do you want a car wash?
Would you like your receipt?
Are you white?
Do you like cheese?
(OK maybe the last 2 aren't real questions but the other ones are.)
Why all the questions? I don't have time to be answering this crap. Why does it matter? Just give me my gas!
Does anyone else hope that when you prepay that you hope the pump malfunctions and you get a ton of free gas? I know I do. Every time I prepay with cash I hope for some sort of system glitch to happen. Suddenly the 10 bucks I put in turns to 40 bucks in free gas.
That has only happened to me once when I was 16. I prepaid with 5 dollars but the pump wouldn't stop pumping. Even though more gas was going in, the pump indicated I only paid 5 dollars. I did try to get it to stop. Well I didn't try very hard, but I did try to some moral credit. I went back 2 more times to that same pump. I imagine others knew the secret as it was obvious some people were waiting for that specific pump to open. One day, the pump functioned normally. The station manager mentioned in passing that someone mentioned it was broken after 2 weeks of the station losing money. What kind of monstrously honest person would report such a thing?! Gas back then was hitting $2 a gallon and the public was furious. This was a small victory against the oil companies. I didn't have any money in high school. This was perfect! Full tanks for 3 dollars!
I'm still mad at the anonymous tipster who ruined it for [me] the rest of us. Damn your honest conscience. We could have easily gotten away with that for another 2 weeks.
Debit or credit?
Enter your zip code?
Do you want a car wash?
Would you like your receipt?
Are you white?
Do you like cheese?
(OK maybe the last 2 aren't real questions but the other ones are.)
Why all the questions? I don't have time to be answering this crap. Why does it matter? Just give me my gas!
Does anyone else hope that when you prepay that you hope the pump malfunctions and you get a ton of free gas? I know I do. Every time I prepay with cash I hope for some sort of system glitch to happen. Suddenly the 10 bucks I put in turns to 40 bucks in free gas.
That has only happened to me once when I was 16. I prepaid with 5 dollars but the pump wouldn't stop pumping. Even though more gas was going in, the pump indicated I only paid 5 dollars. I did try to get it to stop. Well I didn't try very hard, but I did try to some moral credit. I went back 2 more times to that same pump. I imagine others knew the secret as it was obvious some people were waiting for that specific pump to open. One day, the pump functioned normally. The station manager mentioned in passing that someone mentioned it was broken after 2 weeks of the station losing money. What kind of monstrously honest person would report such a thing?! Gas back then was hitting $2 a gallon and the public was furious. This was a small victory against the oil companies. I didn't have any money in high school. This was perfect! Full tanks for 3 dollars!
I'm still mad at the anonymous tipster who ruined it for [me] the rest of us. Damn your honest conscience. We could have easily gotten away with that for another 2 weeks.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Super Stall, Go!
Yep, I'm stalling again. I can't force myself to open my book right now and finish a homework assignment that's due in less than 7 hours. Bleh.
So in the meantime, I will tell [not very] interesting thoughts on my new found favorite pastry.
As we all know, I have an infinite love for pastries. Especially with breakfast and coffee. Lately, I've been frequenting a small little donut shop in Salt Lake that has captured my heart and held my stomach hostage. Their pastries are divine! How can resist such quality donuts and coffee? I'm not made of stone damn it! However, this past week or so I have shifted more of my attention towards cream cheese danish pastries. I have always loved them. But for explanations beyond my capability, my love for them has grown to a frequent occurrence. They have become a necessary "study tool" for my ritual studying this semester. My fishing trips have included them lately as well. 7-11 has been my choice of danish pastry recently, but after stopping into a local bakery near my school, I may just have to change my preference. I haven't tried theirs yet. But they are both cheap and accessible which practically makes them good by default. I look forward to trying one in the near future (tomorrow).
So now that I have explained my love for pastries, I think we should all take pause and recognize how pastries enrich all of our lives. We all know that pastries enhance the quality of life in any human by at least 10%. It'not scientific fact! Even vegan hippies make room for pastries in their diet in the form of disgusting tofu substitutes. Why? Because pastries are eff-ing good! It may very well be in our genetic make-up somewhere to need pastries as a form of food-induced pleasure. I'm not a geneticist but if I had to guess the likelihood of such a gene existing, I would say there is an 82% chance of such a gene hiding in our DNA helix. Leaving just an unrealistic 18% margin of uncertainty that maybe Americans are just fat/lazy and enjoy fattening substances. Yeah, right! My calculation is just too scientifically accurate to be disputed by any reputable source.
Anywho, now that I've just taken the bronze medal in the proverbial "Olympics of Stalling," I think I really am going to do my homework. I've already wasted 13 minutes writing this [poorly] thought out piece of [crap] literature.
Wish me luck. It will take all my concentration just to finish. I normally like to reserve my concentration for important tasks like video games, smart-ass comments towards coworkers, and carefully thought out arguments about why Captain Picard is in fact, a superior captain to Captain Kirk.
Homework is a waste of my blatantly superior skills of concentration.
So in the meantime, I will tell [not very] interesting thoughts on my new found favorite pastry.
As we all know, I have an infinite love for pastries. Especially with breakfast and coffee. Lately, I've been frequenting a small little donut shop in Salt Lake that has captured my heart and held my stomach hostage. Their pastries are divine! How can resist such quality donuts and coffee? I'm not made of stone damn it! However, this past week or so I have shifted more of my attention towards cream cheese danish pastries. I have always loved them. But for explanations beyond my capability, my love for them has grown to a frequent occurrence. They have become a necessary "study tool" for my ritual studying this semester. My fishing trips have included them lately as well. 7-11 has been my choice of danish pastry recently, but after stopping into a local bakery near my school, I may just have to change my preference. I haven't tried theirs yet. But they are both cheap and accessible which practically makes them good by default. I look forward to trying one in the near future (tomorrow).
So now that I have explained my love for pastries, I think we should all take pause and recognize how pastries enrich all of our lives. We all know that pastries enhance the quality of life in any human by at least 10%. It'
Anywho, now that I've just taken the bronze medal in the proverbial "Olympics of Stalling," I think I really am going to do my homework. I've already wasted 13 minutes writing this [
Wish me luck. It will take all my concentration just to finish. I normally like to reserve my concentration for important tasks like video games, smart-ass comments towards coworkers, and carefully thought out arguments about why Captain Picard is in fact, a superior captain to Captain Kirk.
Homework is a waste of my blatantly superior skills of concentration.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Evolution Let Me Down
I'm a huge fan of evolution. I love the scientific process behind it and what it means for our race.
But lately, I'm finding that evolution has let me down on many levels. Mostly, in that evolution has failed to give me any reasonably useful powers or abilities. I feel that I'm lacking in both natural and supernatural abilities that would mostly benefit me.
For instance, why did the bear species get to inherit hibernation? Where was I when that was being handed out to the species of our planet? Did nobody else feel that sleeping through winter was a good idea? The only answer behind that is a bunch of snow loving hippies who were ok with the "change of pace" of winter. If I were to gain any power of choice, it would be winter hibernation. Fuck winter.
Everyone wishes they could fly. I don't. That's the one super power I wouldn't want. All it would take is one clumsy drunk hunter to mistake me for a rare endangered bird and BANG! I would be bleeding and falling at the same time towards my terrible death. That's a bad way to go. Plus I wouldn't pay attention enough. I would get too complacent with flying. One minute I would be daydreaming about winning the lottery; another minute I would be getting sucked into a jumbo jet getting sprayed around as human confetti. Plus, I hate heights. Fuck heights.
As a short guy, we often dream of having enormous strength to compensate for our vertically challenged handicap. (Not really true. But for the sake of this blog, let's just say that it is.) I would dream of strength where I could strangle people.....with my toes! Infinite physical strength is practical on just about every level. Especially if you are one of the few people to have it. Your talents would always be needed. But I would likely use my powers to bend metal statues and fine works of art into more lewd positions than originally intended. All for my amusement! I hate statues. Fuck statues.
Let's not forget facial strength either. I'm not talking killing people or bending metal with just mere contact with your face. My intimate life would be done away with forever. I'm talking about killing people with just the look of a face. A dirty look that literally kills. This ability would both be handy and wreckless since I dispense dirty looks like candy at a parade. Instances where this would come in handy:
Scenario: Annoying drunk guy at your favorite bar hitting on your friends and causes an obnoxious scene.
Solution: Dirty look. Suddenly, the guy screams "Ah! My balls!" Then collapses into a dead pile of douchebaggery. Cause of death: Intense scrotal implosion.
Scenario: Self-important hippy irrationally argues how artists are somehow superior to everyone else in civilization.
Solution: Dirty look. Suddenly the hippy looks confused for a second and says "Dude, I think my brain is getting larger." Then you smugly reply "That's because it is." Then suddenly his head bursts into a million dirty hippy chunks. His self-righteous attitude won't bother anyone ever again.
Scenario: A very distant aqcaintance that has no real place in your inner circle of friends questions you about everything you have done, are doing and will do. Then proceeds to give you dangerously unqualified advice as to what you should have done and what you should do now and later in the most condescending way possible. This individual also has a way to top every single one of your stories with something somehow ambigiously greater or worse than your story.
Solution: Dirty look. Suddenly it seems as though they are being stangled. They pull at the collar of their shirt as if that might be the cause of their strangulation. For added effect, you may use a line of Darth Vader's such as "I find your lack of faith disturbing." Nerd kill! Bonus!
I love science. I love evolution......when it suits me. When I think of all the potential abilities evolution has robbed me of, I can't help but feel cheated.
Fuck evolution.
But lately, I'm finding that evolution has let me down on many levels. Mostly, in that evolution has failed to give me any reasonably useful powers or abilities. I feel that I'm lacking in both natural and supernatural abilities that would mostly benefit me.
For instance, why did the bear species get to inherit hibernation? Where was I when that was being handed out to the species of our planet? Did nobody else feel that sleeping through winter was a good idea? The only answer behind that is a bunch of snow loving hippies who were ok with the "change of pace" of winter. If I were to gain any power of choice, it would be winter hibernation. Fuck winter.
Everyone wishes they could fly. I don't. That's the one super power I wouldn't want. All it would take is one clumsy drunk hunter to mistake me for a rare endangered bird and BANG! I would be bleeding and falling at the same time towards my terrible death. That's a bad way to go. Plus I wouldn't pay attention enough. I would get too complacent with flying. One minute I would be daydreaming about winning the lottery; another minute I would be getting sucked into a jumbo jet getting sprayed around as human confetti. Plus, I hate heights. Fuck heights.
As a short guy, we often dream of having enormous strength to compensate for our vertically challenged handicap. (Not really true. But for the sake of this blog, let's just say that it is.) I would dream of strength where I could strangle people.....with my toes! Infinite physical strength is practical on just about every level. Especially if you are one of the few people to have it. Your talents would always be needed. But I would likely use my powers to bend metal statues and fine works of art into more lewd positions than originally intended. All for my amusement! I hate statues. Fuck statues.
Let's not forget facial strength either. I'm not talking killing people or bending metal with just mere contact with your face. My intimate life would be done away with forever. I'm talking about killing people with just the look of a face. A dirty look that literally kills. This ability would both be handy and wreckless since I dispense dirty looks like candy at a parade. Instances where this would come in handy:
Scenario: Annoying drunk guy at your favorite bar hitting on your friends and causes an obnoxious scene.
Solution: Dirty look. Suddenly, the guy screams "Ah! My balls!" Then collapses into a dead pile of douchebaggery. Cause of death: Intense scrotal implosion.
Scenario: Self-important hippy irrationally argues how artists are somehow superior to everyone else in civilization.
Solution: Dirty look. Suddenly the hippy looks confused for a second and says "Dude, I think my brain is getting larger." Then you smugly reply "That's because it is." Then suddenly his head bursts into a million dirty hippy chunks. His self-righteous attitude won't bother anyone ever again.
Scenario: A very distant aqcaintance that has no real place in your inner circle of friends questions you about everything you have done, are doing and will do. Then proceeds to give you dangerously unqualified advice as to what you should have done and what you should do now and later in the most condescending way possible. This individual also has a way to top every single one of your stories with something somehow ambigiously greater or worse than your story.
Solution: Dirty look. Suddenly it seems as though they are being stangled. They pull at the collar of their shirt as if that might be the cause of their strangulation. For added effect, you may use a line of Darth Vader's such as "I find your lack of faith disturbing." Nerd kill! Bonus!
I love science. I love evolution......when it suits me. When I think of all the potential abilities evolution has robbed me of, I can't help but feel cheated.
Fuck evolution.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Race Track Dream
I had just fallen asleep for a little bit. No more than an hour or so. I remember my last thoughts before falling asleep were how my scholastic goals were similar to my friends in the beginning. I thought of the entire concept as a race track for running track meets. The starting line being the first year of college and each revolution afterwards being a year.
Before I knew it, I had slipped into a dream illustrating this exact point. I was in a dorky track suit. Small shorts and baggy tank top to complete it all. Next to me at the starting was my friend Jeff. Oddly enough, it was just the two of us. The track field had no one in the stands watching. No crowds. No pressure. We got in position to begin the race. He turned to me and asked "Are you ready, dude?"
"Yes, I am," I replied. "We are going to do great."
A shot went off and we both sprinted out.
No more than a quarter of the way through the first part of the track, I tripped. Jeff looked back and slowed down a little. "It's cool, dude. Get up. Try again. You can do it." I got up again and started to run but tripped again. Jeff was on the other side of the track at a mild pace. He stopped there. "I'm taking a break for a second. I'm burned out," he panted.
"No worries," I said as the sun beat down on me. "Keep going. I'll try to catch up later."
Jeff started sprinting again. It wasn't long before he was at the point I was on the track. I got up to run with him again. But this time my shoelaces were untied. I stopped to tie them. "Don't worry about it. Just run with it," he yelled back.
"I can't," I yelled to him. "I have to do this."
He shrugged and kept going. He passed me up again as I was tying my shoes. I tied them up.
"Hold on, I'm coming," I yelled as he passed me.
I got up to run again but tripped. My laces were untied again. How the hell did this happen? I just tied these! Jeff passed again. "Come on, dude. There is still time," he said as he passed.
I got up again and fell down. My shoes weren't untied this time. "I'm tired," I mumbled. I lay there for a minute or so. I didn't bother moving or changing position. Jeff passed again but didn't say anything. He passed again but asked how I was doing. I don't remember if I said anything back. Before I know it, Jeff is standing over me, blocking the sun from raining on me.
"Dude, you missed it. It's all over. I'm going to head over to that new track and do some laps. You should make it over there some time," said Jeff calmly. He walked off having not broken a sweat.
I woke up, drowned in my own sweat, panting. But why? It wasn't a nightmare, was it? Maybe not your typical nightmare where an albino serial killer is trying to eat your face and rape your cat. But in a way it was a nightmare. I've never had a dream be so symbolic and accurate. I don't take much into dream interpretation. I think it's a load of crap for people who are looking for easy answers to uncomfortable questions about themselves. But for once, the allegory was pure, simple and true. That's the exception and not the rule to dream interpretation. This dream was so vivid. It was like one of those dreams you see in movie and think "No one's dreams are like that. That's ridiculous."
Jeff and I started out thinking we could one day achieve the same dream together. But Jeff was/is smart. He had it all going for him the whole time. I never quite figured out what my true goals and motivations were. I wanted to catch up so I didn't seem inferior. I even considered going to Utah State with Jeff hoping that if I went there with someone ridiculously smart that I might catch on and do something right. Looking back, I realize that wouldn't have been the answer either. I would have made the same mistakes I have over the years with my academic career. You can't change yourself by changing scenery. You can never forget who you have been by merely changing locations. I didn't realize then and I'm beginning to realize it now.
What would Freud do? (WWFD?) What would he have to say about this obvious interpretation. That's probably a question best left unanswered from a Freudian perspective. What would Jeff think? I guess it doesn't matter now. What's done is done and I am where I am because of me.
Jeff is now in medical school living the dream we both set out to achieve. Only now am I beginning to buckle down and do this right. I will never be on the same track as Jeff. But in time I hope to follow where he has been. Not for everyone else, but for me this time.
[P.S.] Sorry about all the melancholy posts. Life really isn't so bad. I've only been inspired to write lately when I've felt kind of down. I don't feel down about this. But this dream was meaningful and I felt I should write it down before I forgot about the details that made it so good. Happier posts to come. I promise.
{P.S.P.S} I have to work tomorrow and I have to wake up in about 5 hours............fuck.
Before I knew it, I had slipped into a dream illustrating this exact point. I was in a dorky track suit. Small shorts and baggy tank top to complete it all. Next to me at the starting was my friend Jeff. Oddly enough, it was just the two of us. The track field had no one in the stands watching. No crowds. No pressure. We got in position to begin the race. He turned to me and asked "Are you ready, dude?"
"Yes, I am," I replied. "We are going to do great."
A shot went off and we both sprinted out.
No more than a quarter of the way through the first part of the track, I tripped. Jeff looked back and slowed down a little. "It's cool, dude. Get up. Try again. You can do it." I got up again and started to run but tripped again. Jeff was on the other side of the track at a mild pace. He stopped there. "I'm taking a break for a second. I'm burned out," he panted.
"No worries," I said as the sun beat down on me. "Keep going. I'll try to catch up later."
Jeff started sprinting again. It wasn't long before he was at the point I was on the track. I got up to run with him again. But this time my shoelaces were untied. I stopped to tie them. "Don't worry about it. Just run with it," he yelled back.
"I can't," I yelled to him. "I have to do this."
He shrugged and kept going. He passed me up again as I was tying my shoes. I tied them up.
"Hold on, I'm coming," I yelled as he passed me.
I got up to run again but tripped. My laces were untied again. How the hell did this happen? I just tied these! Jeff passed again. "Come on, dude. There is still time," he said as he passed.
I got up again and fell down. My shoes weren't untied this time. "I'm tired," I mumbled. I lay there for a minute or so. I didn't bother moving or changing position. Jeff passed again but didn't say anything. He passed again but asked how I was doing. I don't remember if I said anything back. Before I know it, Jeff is standing over me, blocking the sun from raining on me.
"Dude, you missed it. It's all over. I'm going to head over to that new track and do some laps. You should make it over there some time," said Jeff calmly. He walked off having not broken a sweat.
I woke up, drowned in my own sweat, panting. But why? It wasn't a nightmare, was it? Maybe not your typical nightmare where an albino serial killer is trying to eat your face and rape your cat. But in a way it was a nightmare. I've never had a dream be so symbolic and accurate. I don't take much into dream interpretation. I think it's a load of crap for people who are looking for easy answers to uncomfortable questions about themselves. But for once, the allegory was pure, simple and true. That's the exception and not the rule to dream interpretation. This dream was so vivid. It was like one of those dreams you see in movie and think "No one's dreams are like that. That's ridiculous."
Jeff and I started out thinking we could one day achieve the same dream together. But Jeff was/is smart. He had it all going for him the whole time. I never quite figured out what my true goals and motivations were. I wanted to catch up so I didn't seem inferior. I even considered going to Utah State with Jeff hoping that if I went there with someone ridiculously smart that I might catch on and do something right. Looking back, I realize that wouldn't have been the answer either. I would have made the same mistakes I have over the years with my academic career. You can't change yourself by changing scenery. You can never forget who you have been by merely changing locations. I didn't realize then and I'm beginning to realize it now.
What would Freud do? (WWFD?) What would he have to say about this obvious interpretation. That's probably a question best left unanswered from a Freudian perspective. What would Jeff think? I guess it doesn't matter now. What's done is done and I am where I am because of me.
Jeff is now in medical school living the dream we both set out to achieve. Only now am I beginning to buckle down and do this right. I will never be on the same track as Jeff. But in time I hope to follow where he has been. Not for everyone else, but for me this time.
[P.S.] Sorry about all the melancholy posts. Life really isn't so bad. I've only been inspired to write lately when I've felt kind of down. I don't feel down about this. But this dream was meaningful and I felt I should write it down before I forgot about the details that made it so good. Happier posts to come. I promise.
{P.S.P.S} I have to work tomorrow and I have to wake up in about 5 hours............fuck.
Stalling.......Again
So I'm at the library at SLCC and I'm supposed to be studying. I do have a valid reason for not studying at the moment. I had to buy the new version of Microsoft Office since my trial expired a while ago. I really need it for school this semester. Bleh...... I'm currently waiting for it to slowly download.
Every semester burns a hole in my pocket. Hundreds of dollars spent on supplies and books. Every semester, the schools somehow find a new way to say "We aren't making enough money despite record attendance." Someone in the upper management has some large balls to have the audacity to say they aren't making enough money despite making a killing in money the first week of school alone.
Assholes.
I spend more money each semester. But oh well. You would think I would be used to the financial raping after all these years.
On the positive side, I really milked that trial version of Office for all that it was worth. Take that Bill Gates!.......It's a small victory since Microsoft still got my money anyway.
Here I am studying on this beautiful Saturday afternoon. I should be out fishing or something. You would think I had enough to time to prepare for the death of my social life this Fall. But no matter how much you prepare, You're never actually ready.
Goodbye social life. I'll miss you and all the good times we had.
Every semester burns a hole in my pocket. Hundreds of dollars spent on supplies and books. Every semester, the schools somehow find a new way to say "We aren't making enough money despite record attendance." Someone in the upper management has some large balls to have the audacity to say they aren't making enough money despite making a killing in money the first week of school alone.
Assholes.
I spend more money each semester. But oh well. You would think I would be used to the financial raping after all these years.
On the positive side, I really milked that trial version of Office for all that it was worth. Take that Bill Gates!.......It's a small victory since Microsoft still got my money anyway.
Here I am studying on this beautiful Saturday afternoon. I should be out fishing or something. You would think I had enough to time to prepare for the death of my social life this Fall. But no matter how much you prepare, You're never actually ready.
Goodbye social life. I'll miss you and all the good times we had.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Quantity
I'm disappointed that I have only posted here 3 times this month. My quantity here is clearly lacking.
Quality is for suckers who believe in the power of their work.
So in short, I'm posting here to boost the number of entries I've had this month. If I quickly scramble, I may be able to squeeze in one or two more before the month ends. Then it will create the illusion I have updated regularly. In reality, I will have posted generally empty blogs lacking in content but exploding with psychobabble.
Sorry if you read this with false hopes of something good to read.
Sucka'!
Quality is for suckers who believe in the power of their work.
So in short, I'm posting here to boost the number of entries I've had this month. If I quickly scramble, I may be able to squeeze in one or two more before the month ends. Then it will create the illusion I have updated regularly. In reality, I will have posted generally empty blogs lacking in content but exploding with psychobabble.
Sorry if you read this with false hopes of something good to read.
Sucka'!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
August Overview
August has been a semi-eventful month. Just like July, it has gone by exceptionally fast with little time for reflection. I feel like I have had little time to update this little blog of mine.
So far this month I have done a lot of fishing and have tried to see my friends as often as possible. My good friend Kevin came back into town last week for a visit. It was good to see him and hear his stories. I became envious of his accomplishments during his first year of law school. To him it's nothing. But I envied his drive. Aside from that, it was nice to catch up and occasionally reminisce about the "old times." Good food and beer was had by all. We went to a few bars, which I wasn't hugely wild about. Especially since we went to some trendy place. I hate crowded and loud bars. I'm professional party pooper that way. Those places can make for some good people watching sometimes but for the most part it's annoying and kind of sad. I think trendy crowded bars are like the Olympics of loneliness. It's like everyone is in direct competition with each other to see who can look the most lonely, and attention starved. Prestigious medals could be handed out to the most desperate looking person there. If only.....
Over the summer I have gained 16 lbs. I was so set on being perfect this summer. I actually thought I would have more time to work out and get into shape. But I didn't count on getting attached to fishing either. I blame that for my gain. On the plus side most people haven't noticed. Also, if I wear the right type of clothes, it just creates the illusion I have gained muscle. Bonus!......But it's fat sadly. Gotta haul my ass back to the gym again and reverse the damage.
I have mixed feelings about today being my last day of Summer. Tomorrow I go back to school to face yet another semester that will test my ability to tolerate busy work. On one hand, I'm sad to see the best Summer I've had in years come to a close. I worked less, saw more friends, saw the sun more often. Had a life. On the other hand, I'm happy to go back to class and be one semester closer to obtaining a degree. The past week at work has just been awful. It's reminded me to get school done so I don't have to do this crappy job anymore. But unfortunately, I'm quite some time away from success.
I'm optimistic about this upcoming semester. I feel like it will be a successful one. I'm happy to take another step towards a more meaningful career/life. After having a terrible week of work, I realized just how important it was. I had to work with the "dream team" of uselessness. My patience for my fellow lazy coworkers was put to the test. I had played with the idea of quitting after all this. I wanted to take out an obscenely large loan and just go to school. I just wanted to concentrate on my life rather than the faults of others. It's not feasible now. But I would like to do that in maybe a year or two, when I'm closer to being done.
Maybe it's the exhaustion and stress talking to my head lately. Even though my hopes are high, my spirits are low. Even though I smile on the outside, on the inside my insecurities are rampant. At times I may appear confident, but inside my head I just replayed everything I just said to make sure I didn't make an ass of myself. Although I joke, I worry that I'm being annoying. My friends are loyal but I can't help but panic inside that I have in some way, offended them. Even though things couldn't be better, I worry things are about to fall apart. I feel I'm tangled in a web of confusion that I have unknowingly weaved for myself.
What the hell is wrong with me?
But never fear. All is well. I just have to stop complaining and keep a cool head. Keeping a cool head is about the only thing I have keeping me sane. Imagine if I was crazy and lacked coping skills....
Life would be much more difficult.
So far this month I have done a lot of fishing and have tried to see my friends as often as possible. My good friend Kevin came back into town last week for a visit. It was good to see him and hear his stories. I became envious of his accomplishments during his first year of law school. To him it's nothing. But I envied his drive. Aside from that, it was nice to catch up and occasionally reminisce about the "old times." Good food and beer was had by all. We went to a few bars, which I wasn't hugely wild about. Especially since we went to some trendy place. I hate crowded and loud bars. I'm professional party pooper that way. Those places can make for some good people watching sometimes but for the most part it's annoying and kind of sad. I think trendy crowded bars are like the Olympics of loneliness. It's like everyone is in direct competition with each other to see who can look the most lonely, and attention starved. Prestigious medals could be handed out to the most desperate looking person there. If only.....
Over the summer I have gained 16 lbs. I was so set on being perfect this summer. I actually thought I would have more time to work out and get into shape. But I didn't count on getting attached to fishing either. I blame that for my gain. On the plus side most people haven't noticed. Also, if I wear the right type of clothes, it just creates the illusion I have gained muscle. Bonus!......But it's fat sadly. Gotta haul my ass back to the gym again and reverse the damage.
I have mixed feelings about today being my last day of Summer. Tomorrow I go back to school to face yet another semester that will test my ability to tolerate busy work. On one hand, I'm sad to see the best Summer I've had in years come to a close. I worked less, saw more friends, saw the sun more often. Had a life. On the other hand, I'm happy to go back to class and be one semester closer to obtaining a degree. The past week at work has just been awful. It's reminded me to get school done so I don't have to do this crappy job anymore. But unfortunately, I'm quite some time away from success.
I'm optimistic about this upcoming semester. I feel like it will be a successful one. I'm happy to take another step towards a more meaningful career/life. After having a terrible week of work, I realized just how important it was. I had to work with the "dream team" of uselessness. My patience for my fellow lazy coworkers was put to the test. I had played with the idea of quitting after all this. I wanted to take out an obscenely large loan and just go to school. I just wanted to concentrate on my life rather than the faults of others. It's not feasible now. But I would like to do that in maybe a year or two, when I'm closer to being done.
Maybe it's the exhaustion and stress talking to my head lately. Even though my hopes are high, my spirits are low. Even though I smile on the outside, on the inside my insecurities are rampant. At times I may appear confident, but inside my head I just replayed everything I just said to make sure I didn't make an ass of myself. Although I joke, I worry that I'm being annoying. My friends are loyal but I can't help but panic inside that I have in some way, offended them. Even though things couldn't be better, I worry things are about to fall apart. I feel I'm tangled in a web of confusion that I have unknowingly weaved for myself.
What the hell is wrong with me?
But never fear. All is well. I just have to stop complaining and keep a cool head. Keeping a cool head is about the only thing I have keeping me sane. Imagine if I was crazy and lacked coping skills....
Life would be much more difficult.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Better
My friends make me want to be a better person. My family makes me want to be a better person. My acquaintances make me want to be a better person.
I want to be better.
I want to be stronger.
I want to be smarter.
I want to have more courage.
I want to be all these things.
I want to live up to those who believe in me.
I want to be relevant rather than be doomed to a life of obscurity and mediocrity.
I want to be the man I want to be.
I want to be the man I've led people to believe that I would be.
I have so much I want to do. There is so much I want to be. There is so much I want to live for.
I strive but I fall. I drive but all I do is spin my wheels. I try to fly but all I do is crash. I try to swim but all I do is drown.
Are my mistakes an indication of what is yet to come or what I should be learning from?
Is my future as free as I believe and preach? Or is my future set in stone and doomed to failure? Am I fighting a losing battle because I'm incapable or because that's what is meant to be?
So many questions. So many answers. If I'm not getting the answers I want, am I not asking the right questions?
If I am to be better than what I am, what must I do to get it right?
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Burned
I'm so ridiculously sunburned it's not even funny. I went out fishing on my friend's boat a couple of days ago. The sun was out in full force but it wasn't hot. I had the seemingly brilliant idea of trying to "even out" my horrendous farmers tan. I was getting tired of looking like I was wearing a white undershirt all the time. So I took my shirt off hoping just a little sun would do.
Well just a little bit of time turned into hours. I didn't feel burned so I assumed I was fine. But oh, how wrong I was. So very wrong. In the mirror, I didn't even look remotely red. I thought I had cheated the system. My insanely pale torso might have skipped the pain and horror of a burn........Or did it? I got into the shower and just about screamed like a little girl with a scraped knee. Not only was the shower hot, my old shower head only has two pressure settings: drizzle and industrial paint peeler. Guess which one it was on.....
If you guessed the industrial paint peeling pressure, you're correct! I turned off the shower and had to take a few seconds to recover. What the hell just happened? I took another look in the mirror only to find that I might be mutating into a lobster-human hybrid. I was so red. How did I not see this before. Was I so drunk with self-satisfaction from fishing that I didn't notice how burned I was the first time? Was I just seeing what I wanted to see? Whatever the case, it didn't matter; I was burned to hell.
I've never been so burned before. Or maybe I have when I was younger and just forgot since it's been so long. Even now, my burns are ravaging my shoulders and back. Knowing my luck, it won't tan. It will just peel and usher in a new layer of shinier paleness.
Well just a little bit of time turned into hours. I didn't feel burned so I assumed I was fine. But oh, how wrong I was. So very wrong. In the mirror, I didn't even look remotely red. I thought I had cheated the system. My insanely pale torso might have skipped the pain and horror of a burn........Or did it? I got into the shower and just about screamed like a little girl with a scraped knee. Not only was the shower hot, my old shower head only has two pressure settings: drizzle and industrial paint peeler. Guess which one it was on.....
If you guessed the industrial paint peeling pressure, you're correct! I turned off the shower and had to take a few seconds to recover. What the hell just happened? I took another look in the mirror only to find that I might be mutating into a lobster-human hybrid. I was so red. How did I not see this before. Was I so drunk with self-satisfaction from fishing that I didn't notice how burned I was the first time? Was I just seeing what I wanted to see? Whatever the case, it didn't matter; I was burned to hell.
I've never been so burned before. Or maybe I have when I was younger and just forgot since it's been so long. Even now, my burns are ravaging my shoulders and back. Knowing my luck, it won't tan. It will just peel and usher in a new layer of shinier paleness.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
July, I Hardly Knew Ye
Every year July goes by too quick. It's like a love starved woman who loves you and then leaves you when they have had their fill. I can never complain enough about July going by quickly. It's my favorite month after all. It has by far been one of my best July months in years.
Now we are stepping into August tomorrow where a new semester lurks nearby. Fall is in the near future. Pine trees are starting to turn slightly brown. Smaller trees are turning their leaves to yellow. It is unfortunate to see Summer gone so soon and Winter not so far way.
I'll miss you July.
Now I will spend the next 11 months waiting for your return.
Now we are stepping into August tomorrow where a new semester lurks nearby. Fall is in the near future. Pine trees are starting to turn slightly brown. Smaller trees are turning their leaves to yellow. It is unfortunate to see Summer gone so soon and Winter not so far way.
I'll miss you July.
Now I will spend the next 11 months waiting for your return.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
A Brand New Era of Plain
I've written previously about my love for plain clothing. I have now taken that to a new level. Wal-Mart has once again satisfied my need for fitting plain clothing thanks to the likes of Fruit of the Loom. They produce all colors of the rainbow in plain shirts just ripe for my wearing. At last, I have found clothing without irritating logos or attention drawing designs. Just plain colors with a shirt pocket. In fact, I went crazy over this. I bought one of each color shirt with and without a shirt pocket. All for the price of $40 I completely revamped my wardrobe. Admittedly, most of the shirts are black. But I crossed new thresholds in my tastes of plain. For once, I bought shirts that were actually.....slightly.....brightly colored. A couple of blue, teal, red and dare I say, a yellow! Yes, It was a madness of plain. Shirts to be worn on all occasions. I don't know why I had never thought of this brilliant idea before. It's cheap. The shirts are barely 2 dollars. Much cheaper than the 15-20 I was paying for logos.
I have finally reached a new era of plain by which I can finally make wallflowers jealous of my plain-ness.
Here is to blending in and not standing out!
I have finally reached a new era of plain by which I can finally make wallflowers jealous of my plain-ness.
Here is to blending in and not standing out!
Monday, July 18, 2011
People Watching
I was at a new restaurant today trying out a pretty awesome philly cheesesteak. Since I was alone, I thought I would help myself to some sweet people watching. I like people watching at restaurants. People act the most fake at restaurants. Forced conversations, awkward dates, and the overall poor conversational skills of my generation make for some good entertainment. But this time, I struck gold! The table in front of me was a first date of two middle aged people meeting from a dating site.
The man was uber ridiculous. Greesy slicked back long hair with the gold chain necklace and partially unbuttoned shirt. The lady looked relatively normal but you could tell by her conversation and skimpy dress she was desperate for attention. Everything was a problem to her. The restaurant, the food, the scenery, that guy, this girl, blah blah blah. I don't like to eavesdrop on peoples conversations. But in this case, I had no choice. They were obnoxiously loud with their conversation. Everyone could hear them in the restaurant. The man had crutches with him. Underneath the table was a poorly ace-wrapped foot which he claimed was a broken ankle (Broke ankles are never treated with crappy ace bandages) The lady cooed and "awed" at his broken ankle and his pain. Which of course was followed up by him with ridiculous stories about how hard it is for him to get around every day and how he wished someone could just take care of him. This led to them somehow jumping into a conversation about sex, which I ignored for the sake of my lunch. They eventually got up to go. The lady said she was going out for a cigarette with a wink and asked if he would join her. She walked fast out the door. The man got up and walked about 10- 15 steps very quickly without his crutches to catch up with her. He was walking just fine! The man realized his potentially fatal mistake and turned around and RAN to his crutches. The lady turned around only in time to see him get his crutches and fake struggle with moving with them. I was irritated. She didn't even notice. The guy looked at me with a shit-eating grin on his face like he had gotten away with it. I gave a dirty look and shook my head. I actually didn't care, I just wanted to be a douche. Giving him a dirty look was just awesome.
I do wish I had done something to make that more awkward for them, maybe yell out to the lady while the guy was walking "Hey miss! Will you help this guy, he forgot his crutches!" That would have been a super douche move on my part. Or maybe I could have gone the condescending route and pulled on app on my phone that played a sitcom laugh track as he walked out. The dude is playing the pity card like some needy 16 year old high school guy. I mean really? Is that your best route to getting women to sleep with you? It must work because it seemed like it was working brilliantly. Faking a broken ankle to get laid has to be one of the worst plans ever, yet this douche is pulling it off like it was no big deal. If the lady found out his ankle wasn't broken, would he still get lucky? Probably. That lady was dumb.
Anywho, there is my irrelevant story. Enjoy
The man was uber ridiculous. Greesy slicked back long hair with the gold chain necklace and partially unbuttoned shirt. The lady looked relatively normal but you could tell by her conversation and skimpy dress she was desperate for attention. Everything was a problem to her. The restaurant, the food, the scenery, that guy, this girl, blah blah blah. I don't like to eavesdrop on peoples conversations. But in this case, I had no choice. They were obnoxiously loud with their conversation. Everyone could hear them in the restaurant. The man had crutches with him. Underneath the table was a poorly ace-wrapped foot which he claimed was a broken ankle (Broke ankles are never treated with crappy ace bandages) The lady cooed and "awed" at his broken ankle and his pain. Which of course was followed up by him with ridiculous stories about how hard it is for him to get around every day and how he wished someone could just take care of him. This led to them somehow jumping into a conversation about sex, which I ignored for the sake of my lunch. They eventually got up to go. The lady said she was going out for a cigarette with a wink and asked if he would join her. She walked fast out the door. The man got up and walked about 10- 15 steps very quickly without his crutches to catch up with her. He was walking just fine! The man realized his potentially fatal mistake and turned around and RAN to his crutches. The lady turned around only in time to see him get his crutches and fake struggle with moving with them. I was irritated. She didn't even notice. The guy looked at me with a shit-eating grin on his face like he had gotten away with it. I gave a dirty look and shook my head. I actually didn't care, I just wanted to be a douche. Giving him a dirty look was just awesome.
I do wish I had done something to make that more awkward for them, maybe yell out to the lady while the guy was walking "Hey miss! Will you help this guy, he forgot his crutches!" That would have been a super douche move on my part. Or maybe I could have gone the condescending route and pulled on app on my phone that played a sitcom laugh track as he walked out. The dude is playing the pity card like some needy 16 year old high school guy. I mean really? Is that your best route to getting women to sleep with you? It must work because it seemed like it was working brilliantly. Faking a broken ankle to get laid has to be one of the worst plans ever, yet this douche is pulling it off like it was no big deal. If the lady found out his ankle wasn't broken, would he still get lucky? Probably. That lady was dumb.
Anywho, there is my irrelevant story. Enjoy
Monday, July 11, 2011
Small Towns Freak Me Out
I attempted to go to a new reservoir for fishing today. It's been my new hobby to go and find new spots to fish. I was traveling to Vernon Reservoir which of course is out in the middle of no where. My GPS thought it would be funny to take me the super long way that added 45 minutes to the trip. (In retrospect, I should have been paying attention to which way it was taking me instead of blindly following it's commands.)
This super long route goes through Tooele which I have only passed through a couple of times. There isn't a whole lot out there except for a small town and military grade chemicals. There is handful of little towns surrounding this little area. Creepy little towns that you really only see in movies. There was at least 4 local diners/gas stations that looked like they could easily set the plot for a decent horror movie. I needed to get supplies but feared going into one those diners. I was afraid I would get stories about haunted Indian burial grounds and mythical man-eating creatures. Perhaps I would hear stories of old robbers and murders whose souls roam the hills looking for their next victim. Last thing I need to hear is a ghost story while I'm out in the middle of no where with no cell phone service.
Knowing my luck, I would hear the worst story of them all. I could picture it now. I walk in to this empty diner/gas station looking like a city boy yuppy. I approach the counter where there would be an old man in overalls and a haggard straw hat slowly cleaning a perpetually dirty glass. I ask if I can get directions to the reservoir as I purchase my supplies. It would be at that time the old man would stare me down and say "No, you don't want to go down there." I would ask almost condescendingly "why not?" At that point, the seemingly crazy old man would tell me a rambling story about ghost of Rapey-Joe Mcmurdercloud. An old notorious villian from the late 1800's who mugged, raped and murdered all his victims. He was eventually captured and hanged by the old reservoir. But his ghost roams the small town occasionally killing victims in his usual fashion every so many years. He is also blamed for bad crop seasons and bad weather. I would then hear "In fact, Rapey-Joe just claimed another victim: The high school cheerleader and homecoming queen that everybody loved and had no enemies. She was found in the reservoir with a note on her that says "Rapey-Joe rapes and murders from beyond the grave!" Or perhaps even a written manifesto found near the body and the alleged author being Rapey-Joe.
Instead of possibly hearing any of that, I passed the towns and diners and got my car stuck in the mud somewhere down the road. I never made it to Vernon Reservoir. So I turned back and went somewhere else vowing to get a truck to come back.
True Story.
This super long route goes through Tooele which I have only passed through a couple of times. There isn't a whole lot out there except for a small town and military grade chemicals. There is handful of little towns surrounding this little area. Creepy little towns that you really only see in movies. There was at least 4 local diners/gas stations that looked like they could easily set the plot for a decent horror movie. I needed to get supplies but feared going into one those diners. I was afraid I would get stories about haunted Indian burial grounds and mythical man-eating creatures. Perhaps I would hear stories of old robbers and murders whose souls roam the hills looking for their next victim. Last thing I need to hear is a ghost story while I'm out in the middle of no where with no cell phone service.
Knowing my luck, I would hear the worst story of them all. I could picture it now. I walk in to this empty diner/gas station looking like a city boy yuppy. I approach the counter where there would be an old man in overalls and a haggard straw hat slowly cleaning a perpetually dirty glass. I ask if I can get directions to the reservoir as I purchase my supplies. It would be at that time the old man would stare me down and say "No, you don't want to go down there." I would ask almost condescendingly "why not?" At that point, the seemingly crazy old man would tell me a rambling story about ghost of Rapey-Joe Mcmurdercloud. An old notorious villian from the late 1800's who mugged, raped and murdered all his victims. He was eventually captured and hanged by the old reservoir. But his ghost roams the small town occasionally killing victims in his usual fashion every so many years. He is also blamed for bad crop seasons and bad weather. I would then hear "In fact, Rapey-Joe just claimed another victim: The high school cheerleader and homecoming queen that everybody loved and had no enemies. She was found in the reservoir with a note on her that says "Rapey-Joe rapes and murders from beyond the grave!" Or perhaps even a written manifesto found near the body and the alleged author being Rapey-Joe.
Instead of possibly hearing any of that, I passed the towns and diners and got my car stuck in the mud somewhere down the road. I never made it to Vernon Reservoir. So I turned back and went somewhere else vowing to get a truck to come back.
True Story.
Friday, July 8, 2011
A Most Excellent Weekend
My 4th of July weekend was most excellent. I did a lot of fishing which was nice. I recently picked it up again. I used to do it all the time as a kid every time I went to Idaho. I haven't done it in almost 10 years. Now that I'm back into it, it's been perfect. I've enjoyed being outdoors and have also enjoyed the sport of fishing. I love the outdoors. I love the skill of fishing. The feeling of catching something. This is yet another thing I can put towards my effort of doing as much as I can this summer. I haven't caught much except for my terrible farmers tan. Otherwise I've caught small fish. But that's ok.
I hung out with friends, took drives to scenic parts of Utah hoping to find more secluded fishing areas. The Uintas are the closest I have ever been to finding something similar to Utah. Similar in that it's secluded, heavily forested, beautiful. (Unfortunately it takes 2 hours to achieve that) Those are qualities Utah wilderness lacks. Especially the secluded part. I like being in the wilderness to be away from a ton of people, not be near a ton of people who think they love nature.
I've noticed all this time from work has made me happier. I've been doing things. I've been doing something with my time for once. If I could get better regular sleep, it would be perfect. I noticed since I quit working nights my sleep patterns have changed. I'm not talking about the obvious pattern of sleeping at night like everyone else instead of during the day. I've noticed that when I worked nights, I got more hours of sleep (Around 9-12 hours on average.) But the quality of sleep was terrible. Now that I'm working days I'm getting excellent quality of sleep. But I'm getting less of it. (4-8 hours on average.) I have trouble disciplining myself to sleep at a certain times to get adequate sleep. The night person in me wants to stay up all night. Lousy insomnia.
Otherwise, I haven't done too much. Just been working, fishing, hanging out. I would like to do more stuff this summer to make the best of it. This is definitely one of the better summers I've had in years. Unfortunately it's already half over. Another semester of school is just around the corner and another 6 months of bullshit winter is lurking in the distance.
Let's go summer!
I hung out with friends, took drives to scenic parts of Utah hoping to find more secluded fishing areas. The Uintas are the closest I have ever been to finding something similar to Utah. Similar in that it's secluded, heavily forested, beautiful. (Unfortunately it takes 2 hours to achieve that) Those are qualities Utah wilderness lacks. Especially the secluded part. I like being in the wilderness to be away from a ton of people, not be near a ton of people who think they love nature.
I've noticed all this time from work has made me happier. I've been doing things. I've been doing something with my time for once. If I could get better regular sleep, it would be perfect. I noticed since I quit working nights my sleep patterns have changed. I'm not talking about the obvious pattern of sleeping at night like everyone else instead of during the day. I've noticed that when I worked nights, I got more hours of sleep (Around 9-12 hours on average.) But the quality of sleep was terrible. Now that I'm working days I'm getting excellent quality of sleep. But I'm getting less of it. (4-8 hours on average.) I have trouble disciplining myself to sleep at a certain times to get adequate sleep. The night person in me wants to stay up all night. Lousy insomnia.
Otherwise, I haven't done too much. Just been working, fishing, hanging out. I would like to do more stuff this summer to make the best of it. This is definitely one of the better summers I've had in years. Unfortunately it's already half over. Another semester of school is just around the corner and another 6 months of bullshit winter is lurking in the distance.
Let's go summer!
Sex in a Van
The title has nothing to do with my life, or this blog really.
I just thought it would be funny to see if I could artificially boost hits on my blog from random people and people who already follow my blog.
I'm hoping to see people having found my blog searching for the words "sex in a van" on google. Perverts hoping to find some porn will unfortunately find this poorly written blog instead. Teens and hobos worried about contracting rare STD's from dirty activity in the confines of van will hopefully find this blog. I really hope there is someone out there trying to find if there is an STD from van-related activity. I wonder if that would be called "vanisitis?" (It even sounds kind of dirty when you say it out loud.
The title isn't completely random though. As I was driving home, there was some guy in what had to be the ultimate creep machine. The guy himself looked pretty eff-in creepy so the vehicle fit. It was like an RV/van mix. That guy just looked like he was trolling for desperate women to coerce into his vehicle. I then came up with the term "mobile command creep shack." Because that's exactly what it was. It was a creepy ass dude driving a creepy ass car to be a creepy ass creep to unsuspecting women (or men, who knows). He was driving what was essentially a trailer park on wheels around town.
Who am I to judge? I drove a VW bus with 2 beds, a fridge, sink and stove in it. But my bus was bad ass. The mobile command creep shack was substantially less than cool. "It had creep" written all over it. My van at the most negative had "dirty hippy" written all over it.
So basically, if you're looking for information about sex and/or sexual activities in a van, you have come to the wrong place. I basically just wrote an entire blog about an innocuous title, and how/why I came up with it.
I wasted precious minutes of your life.
Sorry perverts and gossips.
I just thought it would be funny to see if I could artificially boost hits on my blog from random people and people who already follow my blog.
I'm hoping to see people having found my blog searching for the words "sex in a van" on google. Perverts hoping to find some porn will unfortunately find this poorly written blog instead. Teens and hobos worried about contracting rare STD's from dirty activity in the confines of van will hopefully find this blog. I really hope there is someone out there trying to find if there is an STD from van-related activity. I wonder if that would be called "vanisitis?" (It even sounds kind of dirty when you say it out loud.
The title isn't completely random though. As I was driving home, there was some guy in what had to be the ultimate creep machine. The guy himself looked pretty eff-in creepy so the vehicle fit. It was like an RV/van mix. That guy just looked like he was trolling for desperate women to coerce into his vehicle. I then came up with the term "mobile command creep shack." Because that's exactly what it was. It was a creepy ass dude driving a creepy ass car to be a creepy ass creep to unsuspecting women (or men, who knows). He was driving what was essentially a trailer park on wheels around town.
Who am I to judge? I drove a VW bus with 2 beds, a fridge, sink and stove in it. But my bus was bad ass. The mobile command creep shack was substantially less than cool. "It had creep" written all over it. My van at the most negative had "dirty hippy" written all over it.
So basically, if you're looking for information about sex and/or sexual activities in a van, you have come to the wrong place. I basically just wrote an entire blog about an innocuous title, and how/why I came up with it.
I wasted precious minutes of your life.
Sorry perverts and gossips.
Monday, July 4, 2011
My Favorite Holiday
Happy 4th of July!
This is my favorite holiday of the year. No pressure to buy people crap. No pressure to be nice. The only pressure is to have fun and be grateful we live in a great country.
Yes, the 4th of July has it all. Warm weather. Outdoor activities. No buying people things they don't need. Just a night full of food, explosions, loud noises and alcohol if you so choose.
It's been an amazing weekend. Hopefully the 4th of July tops it all off appropriately.
This is my favorite holiday of the year. No pressure to buy people crap. No pressure to be nice. The only pressure is to have fun and be grateful we live in a great country.
Yes, the 4th of July has it all. Warm weather. Outdoor activities. No buying people things they don't need. Just a night full of food, explosions, loud noises and alcohol if you so choose.
It's been an amazing weekend. Hopefully the 4th of July tops it all off appropriately.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Dreaming of Schemes
There are times I wish I was an unreliable sociopath bent on a perpetual quest to make a quick buck. Only in my wildest daydreams I wish to concoct diabolical plots to collect money at the expense of others.
It would be nice to be a "get rich quick" type scammer by offering stupid people bad advice for an obscene cost. I would start a business where I would hold huge seminars offering people tips on how to make money. These seminars would be somewhat expensive but I would promise "fast results" from my advice. The first part of the seminar would be spent bashing republicans and rich people for making the economy so bad. I don't think either of them are completely responsible for that problem, but everybody hates rich people. I would spend the next part bashing democrats for wasting money on stupid things like education, health and immigration reform. That way I effectively cover most political scapegoats. That will just hook the audience.
After blaming politicians through a series of vague rambling lectures, I will start loosely paraphrasing quotes from economists. Most of the quotes would say things about spending money to help the economy, saving money is bad and getting help from professionals is the best way to ensure financial security. I would then refer to myself as "professional help" and praise the audience for seeking my expert advice. After hitting all effective key points that pander to lazy white trash, I will close my seminar with "Getting rich has never been so easy! Don't forget to pay the exit fee on your way out!" Ingeniously I would charge people to enter and exit the seminar. Getting in would be the cheapest part. Getting out would be the most difficult and expensive. No one would be allowed to leave the building until they have paid my steep exit fee. Scamming people who want quick easy money would be the ultimate job where I could retire at the age of 28. Lazy people are abundant and stupid. It would be too easy.
Unfortunately for me, I was born with a conscience. I can't bring myself to scam people with seminars full of faulty advice and entry/exit fees.
I'm stuck being good. It would be way too uncomfortable for me to move outside of my comfort bubble. It's not so uncomfortable that it's similar to being raped. But it's more like "being fondled in your sleep by your favorite uncle" type of uncomfortable. I hate being uncomfortable in any way, shape, or form.
I guess I'll keep living a life of semi moral and ethical standards.
I guess I'll keep being Mr. Goody Two Shoes.
It would be nice to be a "get rich quick" type scammer by offering stupid people bad advice for an obscene cost. I would start a business where I would hold huge seminars offering people tips on how to make money. These seminars would be somewhat expensive but I would promise "fast results" from my advice. The first part of the seminar would be spent bashing republicans and rich people for making the economy so bad. I don't think either of them are completely responsible for that problem, but everybody hates rich people. I would spend the next part bashing democrats for wasting money on stupid things like education, health and immigration reform. That way I effectively cover most political scapegoats. That will just hook the audience.
After blaming politicians through a series of vague rambling lectures, I will start loosely paraphrasing quotes from economists. Most of the quotes would say things about spending money to help the economy, saving money is bad and getting help from professionals is the best way to ensure financial security. I would then refer to myself as "professional help" and praise the audience for seeking my expert advice. After hitting all effective key points that pander to lazy white trash, I will close my seminar with "Getting rich has never been so easy! Don't forget to pay the exit fee on your way out!" Ingeniously I would charge people to enter and exit the seminar. Getting in would be the cheapest part. Getting out would be the most difficult and expensive. No one would be allowed to leave the building until they have paid my steep exit fee. Scamming people who want quick easy money would be the ultimate job where I could retire at the age of 28. Lazy people are abundant and stupid. It would be too easy.
Unfortunately for me, I was born with a conscience. I can't bring myself to scam people with seminars full of faulty advice and entry/exit fees.
I'm stuck being good. It would be way too uncomfortable for me to move outside of my comfort bubble. It's not so uncomfortable that it's similar to being raped. But it's more like "being fondled in your sleep by your favorite uncle" type of uncomfortable. I hate being uncomfortable in any way, shape, or form.
I guess I'll keep living a life of semi moral and ethical standards.
I guess I'll keep being Mr. Goody Two Shoes.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Image
Whether we like it or not,self-image is something we all have to deal with and think about. We are all self-conscious to some degree about how we think we are percieved and how we want to be percieved.
Ideally, I would have the body of a heavy lifter (Not the competitive muscle building gross kind, but the in-shape, good looking kind) But in reality, I have the body of a heavy reader.
Ideally, I would be super handsome and good looking. So much so I would be visible even through solid metal! But in reality I have looks plain enough to make wallflowers look like supermodels.
I wish people spent more time on their personality image. I would like to revamp my image for work and school. I have tried to give my image a makeover by bringing bagels to work. This would hopefully transform my image from "that asshole" to "that nice guy who occasionally brings bagels." So far, no luck. I wish I had taken better care of my image for work. Now people know as being competent at my job. I shouldn't have talked so much. In my past jobs, I just kept quiet and didn't draw much attention. The advantage to not talking as much is that people often associate shyness with being intelligent for some unknown reason. I've gotten that grossly incorrect stigma all my life from being shy. On the flip side, if you look creepy/have socially awkward behavior and you're shy, you get a more negative stigma. Usually, that's associated with being "a creep." (Mustaches usually don't help the socially awkward cause) Rumors start spreading of your inevitable shoot-out in the workplace. I hope I never achieve that status. I wish I had a more middle ground reputation. Something along the lines of "passably mediocre but pleasant." That would suit me just fine. I've always preached mediocrity in the workplace in order to prevent being overworked and overabused.
I feel that I keep most people at double arms length from me. I keep people from knowing too much about me, with the exception of close friends. This is something I have done since I left my first job at Cottonwood Hospital. Never again would I be screwed over by coworkers who knew too much. Conversely, I've been screwed over by people who knew too little and made crazy assumptions. In high school, people just assumed I did drugs despite the fact that I have not done any to this day. I don't know how people jumped to that conclusion. I didn't quite fit the profile of a stoner.
I've decided that I will revamp my image for school this year. Instead of being "that guy in the scrubs" or "that hospital dude." I've decided to lay low enough that I can't be identified by my clothing. Eventually I would just be completely unidentifiable. People wouldn't realize I was in the class until I was forced to speak. Ah, yes, that would be sweet.
Ok, so I'm not going to revamp my image at all. Takes too much work.
Work is hard.
Ideally, I would have the body of a heavy lifter (Not the competitive muscle building gross kind, but the in-shape, good looking kind) But in reality, I have the body of a heavy reader.
Ideally, I would be super handsome and good looking. So much so I would be visible even through solid metal! But in reality I have looks plain enough to make wallflowers look like supermodels.
I wish people spent more time on their personality image. I would like to revamp my image for work and school. I have tried to give my image a makeover by bringing bagels to work. This would hopefully transform my image from "that asshole" to "that nice guy who occasionally brings bagels." So far, no luck. I wish I had taken better care of my image for work. Now people know as being competent at my job. I shouldn't have talked so much. In my past jobs, I just kept quiet and didn't draw much attention. The advantage to not talking as much is that people often associate shyness with being intelligent for some unknown reason. I've gotten that grossly incorrect stigma all my life from being shy. On the flip side, if you look creepy/have socially awkward behavior and you're shy, you get a more negative stigma. Usually, that's associated with being "a creep." (Mustaches usually don't help the socially awkward cause) Rumors start spreading of your inevitable shoot-out in the workplace. I hope I never achieve that status. I wish I had a more middle ground reputation. Something along the lines of "passably mediocre but pleasant." That would suit me just fine. I've always preached mediocrity in the workplace in order to prevent being overworked and overabused.
I feel that I keep most people at double arms length from me. I keep people from knowing too much about me, with the exception of close friends. This is something I have done since I left my first job at Cottonwood Hospital. Never again would I be screwed over by coworkers who knew too much. Conversely, I've been screwed over by people who knew too little and made crazy assumptions. In high school, people just assumed I did drugs despite the fact that I have not done any to this day. I don't know how people jumped to that conclusion. I didn't quite fit the profile of a stoner.
I've decided that I will revamp my image for school this year. Instead of being "that guy in the scrubs" or "that hospital dude." I've decided to lay low enough that I can't be identified by my clothing. Eventually I would just be completely unidentifiable. People wouldn't realize I was in the class until I was forced to speak. Ah, yes, that would be sweet.
Ok, so I'm not going to revamp my image at all. Takes too much work.
Work is hard.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Mind Filter
Healthcare is dominated by women in a lot of ways. Most nurses, aides, and techs tend to be women. There arent as many women as far as doctors go, but they are catching up by leaps and bounds. I've spent years in my healthcare work often being the only male on shift. I don't mind. It doesn't bother me at all. It's helped me develop mental filters to block out conversations I could care less about. I don't have to explain the differences in conversational interests between men and women. But the gap is wide. After years of practice, I've learned to tune out any conversation with the following keywords:
"My birth control"
"My baby delivery"
"My period"
"My wedding"
"My weight gain/loss"
"My self-esteem problems"
"My marital/relationship problems"
"My divorce problems"
"My son"
"My daughter"
"Mygranddaughter"
"My grandson"
Any celebrity's name
Gossip about coworkers
Religious topics
Rating the attractiveness of coworkers/anyone else
I'm sure there is more. But those are the ones that stand out the most. I don't mind talking about people's children. That's not always filtered. But the filter switch turns on and the autopilot for nodding appropriately for pauses also kicks in when I hear a sentence that starts with "my son/daughter is so smart....". Yeah, I don't care how you think your child is more intelligent/cute than the rest of the chilren in their class.
I'm not insensitive, really. But that kind of stuff just doesn't interest me. Especially the more personal womanly topics. I would much rather go my whole life not hearing about that stuff about my coworkers. Trust me. This filter also applies in social situations when I am the lone male or don't know other guys in the group. The filter turns on and I'm back to my backcountry vacation in my mind.
On the flip side, I have filters for stuff I want to talk about. These keywords include but not limited to:
Beer
Fishing
Guns
Cars
Sports
Poop
Dirty Jokes
Video Games
Cartoons
Quotable movies and tv shows
Etc, etc, etc
You get the idea. Women can complain all they want about not wanting to hear male conversations. Well they can learn my near-patented filter technique or go somewhere else where they don't have to listen to it. I recommend the filter. There has been many shifts/social occasions where I have had to apply this filter with women literally standing right next me talking loudly. Didn't hear a word. Just off in my own world where I don't have to talk about bleeding female parts or who dumped who.
Now that I have confirmed your hunch of a suspicion that I'm an asshole, enjoy your day!
"My birth control"
"My baby delivery"
"My period"
"My wedding"
"My weight gain/loss"
"My self-esteem problems"
"My marital/relationship problems"
"My divorce problems"
"My son"
"My daughter"
"Mygranddaughter"
"My grandson"
Any celebrity's name
Gossip about coworkers
Religious topics
Rating the attractiveness of coworkers/anyone else
I'm sure there is more. But those are the ones that stand out the most. I don't mind talking about people's children. That's not always filtered. But the filter switch turns on and the autopilot for nodding appropriately for pauses also kicks in when I hear a sentence that starts with "my son/daughter is so smart....". Yeah, I don't care how you think your child is more intelligent/cute than the rest of the chilren in their class.
I'm not insensitive, really. But that kind of stuff just doesn't interest me. Especially the more personal womanly topics. I would much rather go my whole life not hearing about that stuff about my coworkers. Trust me. This filter also applies in social situations when I am the lone male or don't know other guys in the group. The filter turns on and I'm back to my backcountry vacation in my mind.
On the flip side, I have filters for stuff I want to talk about. These keywords include but not limited to:
Beer
Fishing
Guns
Cars
Sports
Poop
Dirty Jokes
Video Games
Cartoons
Quotable movies and tv shows
Etc, etc, etc
You get the idea. Women can complain all they want about not wanting to hear male conversations. Well they can learn my near-patented filter technique or go somewhere else where they don't have to listen to it. I recommend the filter. There has been many shifts/social occasions where I have had to apply this filter with women literally standing right next me talking loudly. Didn't hear a word. Just off in my own world where I don't have to talk about bleeding female parts or who dumped who.
Now that I have confirmed your hunch of a suspicion that I'm an asshole, enjoy your day!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Too Much Time
Including this one, I have now posted 270 pieces of relatively unspectacular writing. Plus, I have now garnered over 2000 views.
I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad about this moment. On one hand, I've had too much free time to post all this crap. On the other hand, too many people have too much free time to read my crap.
This blog makes free time look like an awful thing to have.
[Slightly] Sad.
I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad about this moment. On one hand, I've had too much free time to post all this crap. On the other hand, too many people have too much free time to read my crap.
This blog makes free time look like an awful thing to have.
[Slightly] Sad.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Old Myspace Posts
I have painstakingly gone through the task of taking my old myspace blogs and copying and pasting them here. I have copied them in their entirety, which means nothing is edited. All grammatical errors are still there. Really really bad grammatical errors will not be edited. I'm leaving the old blogs as they were. Everything from 2005 to 2007 is new stuff for this page. Keep in mind I'm 40x more whiney and crass in those old blogs than I am now. The writing is awful and purely emotional driven. Even the blogs where I attempt to be funny suck.
Also keep in mind there are one or two of blogs that are super ridiculous and full of false information. Those are the earliest ones and I made up those blogs to get back at an ex at the time. Basically reading those old posts are like traveling back in time in my life. They start about a month before I graduated high school. I used to have more but I deleted them in high school in a fit of anger. I was so much angrier back then. I had a bad temper. After reading most of the old blogs, I realize how much I have mellowed out. I've generally been mellow but I was much quicker to angry emotions back then.
I doubt anyone will read them, but just in case someone does there is your prelude.
Also keep in mind there are one or two of blogs that are super ridiculous and full of false information. Those are the earliest ones and I made up those blogs to get back at an ex at the time. Basically reading those old posts are like traveling back in time in my life. They start about a month before I graduated high school. I used to have more but I deleted them in high school in a fit of anger. I was so much angrier back then. I had a bad temper. After reading most of the old blogs, I realize how much I have mellowed out. I've generally been mellow but I was much quicker to angry emotions back then.
I doubt anyone will read them, but just in case someone does there is your prelude.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Idaho, My Second Home
I may make fun of Idaho a lot, but it has always been a second home to me. I actually enjoy going there. It may not be a vacation hot spot, but it feels familiar and close. I drive through most of the cities with confidence knowing where I'm going as if I had always lived there. I enjoy the more quaint aspects that Utah lacks. The small courtesies, the slower pace of life, the focus on the outdoors, the passive shy-ness of some of the locals. I like how everything and yet nothing is there.
As I drove there by myself for the first time in years, I realized how close to my heart this place was. Years of memories were made in the hills, the streets, and everywhere else. There are thousands of pictures of me in Idaho from the time I was born to recently. It has been a bigger part of my life than I had ever realized before. I don't think I will end up living there, but I know it will always be a big part of my life to be there. I will make it a point so that my future kids make it a big part of their lives.
In a way, I already miss being there. I was there for 3 days just because I felt like it would be nice to be there. (And I had a wedding to go to.) But I miss the somewhat big town with a little town feel.
Thanks, Idaho.
As I drove there by myself for the first time in years, I realized how close to my heart this place was. Years of memories were made in the hills, the streets, and everywhere else. There are thousands of pictures of me in Idaho from the time I was born to recently. It has been a bigger part of my life than I had ever realized before. I don't think I will end up living there, but I know it will always be a big part of my life to be there. I will make it a point so that my future kids make it a big part of their lives.
In a way, I already miss being there. I was there for 3 days just because I felt like it would be nice to be there. (And I had a wedding to go to.) But I miss the somewhat big town with a little town feel.
Thanks, Idaho.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
My Musings For The Day
I was asked the other day why I hadn't chosen writing as a career. I don't remember how the subject came up, but I put very little thought into the question. When I think about it now, I realized I couldn't do writing as a career for the fact that nothing I could ever write would live up to my standards. I would write a novel with the intention of getting orgasmic reviews. Most of those reviews would ideally read along the lines of:
"It's like getting a blowjob..........for your mind!"
-Editor of some crappy newspaper.
"It's a literary orgasm that only stops for rest and cigarettes."
-Pretentious nobody from a magazine
"This novel is like reading about a climax then having one yourself. Caution: don't read without clean-up tissues handy."
-Witty columnist from local paper.
Since I would not be capable of getting such good reviews, I would crumble under the weight of my own disappointment and never write again. [Not a] True story.
For some reason recently, I got to thinking about Sesame Street. I don't know why. I haven't watched the show in years. But when I thought about the actual concept of the show, it seemed quite absurd. Bare with me on this. Humor me if you will.
For instance, I thought of The Count. The vampire puppet whose passion for counting numbers has yet to be matched by any one soul or object. But if The Count were real, wouldn't that be a liability? Sure, The Count seems like a nice guy trying to teach kids about numbers. But what if he was unable to resist an urge to just feed on one of those kids for sustenance? One minute he is telling kids about the number two, another minute he is feeding on poor little Jimmy's neck because he didn't have breakfast that morning. Scary thought. Fortunately, the creators of Sesame Street have chosen not to dig into The Count's presumably dark past of feeding on the living to sustain his undead state.
Big Bird is another conundrum. He seems like the typical over-sized laidback bird. But if he were real, he would probably be an non-compliant, uncontrolled schizophrenic. He has an imaginary friend that is a massive furry elephant whose demeanor closely reflects that of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. That's fucking depressing on some level. I have nothing against the mentally ill. However an uncontrolled schizo is the last person I want teaching my kids about sharing. For all I know Big Bird's hallucinations might turn dark and start teaching kids about the effects of heroin on large elephants.
Cookie monster would be another scary one if he were real. I realize he was recently renamed the "Veggie Monster." That in itself might qualify as a crime against humanity and should be punishable via capital punishment. But that's a different topic. Anywho, I'll call him Cookie Monster since I'm old school. If Cookie Monster were real, his addiction to cookies could turn violent if his fix is not met in a timely fashion. We already know how fanatical he is about cookies. But we don't know how fanatical he is when he is not receiving cookies. He could be sucker punching kids in the kidneys for a sweet fix of Chips A'hoy or Oreos. I assume he doesn't make a lot of money on Sesame Street since they appear to live in a ghetto neighborhood. Now that he is addicted to veggies, that makes him all the more dangerous. No one eats veggies in America. Kids would be getting shanked and beat over carrots and celery. That's not right.
Oscar the Grouch appears to be the neighborhood hobo. I think in reality, Oscar would probably be a surly drunk. He already gets irritated by the locals as it is. If he were drunk or hungover, empty bottles of cheap vodka (and probably mouthwash) would be thrown at noisy passerbys. I would sincerely doubt Oscar would give a shit about the literacy of the children on Sesame Street when his main problem is that he lives in a trash can with no visible income.
I wouldn't go to Sesame Street in real life if I knew how to get there. It's too close to being at work.
Well those are my ridiculous thoughts for the day. I will leave you with a quote from former president Jimmy Carter.
"Choke on some malaise, sucka!"
-Jimmy Carter
(Note: He didn't actually ever say this. However, with that sweet accent I would say that all the time. I'm disappointed he never publicly took that opportunity for history's sake.)
"It's like getting a blowjob..........for your mind!"
-Editor of some crappy newspaper.
"It's a literary orgasm that only stops for rest and cigarettes."
-Pretentious nobody from a magazine
"This novel is like reading about a climax then having one yourself. Caution: don't read without clean-up tissues handy."
-Witty columnist from local paper.
Since I would not be capable of getting such good reviews, I would crumble under the weight of my own disappointment and never write again. [Not a] True story.
For some reason recently, I got to thinking about Sesame Street. I don't know why. I haven't watched the show in years. But when I thought about the actual concept of the show, it seemed quite absurd. Bare with me on this. Humor me if you will.
For instance, I thought of The Count. The vampire puppet whose passion for counting numbers has yet to be matched by any one soul or object. But if The Count were real, wouldn't that be a liability? Sure, The Count seems like a nice guy trying to teach kids about numbers. But what if he was unable to resist an urge to just feed on one of those kids for sustenance? One minute he is telling kids about the number two, another minute he is feeding on poor little Jimmy's neck because he didn't have breakfast that morning. Scary thought. Fortunately, the creators of Sesame Street have chosen not to dig into The Count's presumably dark past of feeding on the living to sustain his undead state.
Big Bird is another conundrum. He seems like the typical over-sized laidback bird. But if he were real, he would probably be an non-compliant, uncontrolled schizophrenic. He has an imaginary friend that is a massive furry elephant whose demeanor closely reflects that of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. That's fucking depressing on some level. I have nothing against the mentally ill. However an uncontrolled schizo is the last person I want teaching my kids about sharing. For all I know Big Bird's hallucinations might turn dark and start teaching kids about the effects of heroin on large elephants.
Cookie monster would be another scary one if he were real. I realize he was recently renamed the "Veggie Monster." That in itself might qualify as a crime against humanity and should be punishable via capital punishment. But that's a different topic. Anywho, I'll call him Cookie Monster since I'm old school. If Cookie Monster were real, his addiction to cookies could turn violent if his fix is not met in a timely fashion. We already know how fanatical he is about cookies. But we don't know how fanatical he is when he is not receiving cookies. He could be sucker punching kids in the kidneys for a sweet fix of Chips A'hoy or Oreos. I assume he doesn't make a lot of money on Sesame Street since they appear to live in a ghetto neighborhood. Now that he is addicted to veggies, that makes him all the more dangerous. No one eats veggies in America. Kids would be getting shanked and beat over carrots and celery. That's not right.
Oscar the Grouch appears to be the neighborhood hobo. I think in reality, Oscar would probably be a surly drunk. He already gets irritated by the locals as it is. If he were drunk or hungover, empty bottles of cheap vodka (and probably mouthwash) would be thrown at noisy passerbys. I would sincerely doubt Oscar would give a shit about the literacy of the children on Sesame Street when his main problem is that he lives in a trash can with no visible income.
I wouldn't go to Sesame Street in real life if I knew how to get there. It's too close to being at work.
Well those are my ridiculous thoughts for the day. I will leave you with a quote from former president Jimmy Carter.
"Choke on some malaise, sucka!"
-Jimmy Carter
(Note: He didn't actually ever say this. However, with that sweet accent I would say that all the time. I'm disappointed he never publicly took that opportunity for history's sake.)
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Inside My Head Part II
I've been writing a lot of sequels to my blogs lately to try to capitalize on previous success. It's like a good movie. The sequel is almost never better than the original. But I always get related ideas from previous blogs and decide to write them anyway.
Scenario # 1
The other day I was teaching boy scouts about the ER at work
Scout: Is it cool working in an ER?
What I Think: Yes, very cool in that ER's are like elephant graveyards. It's where self-respect and dignity go to die.
What I Say: It sure is!
Scenario #2
Person I Don't Like: I need a vacation. Don't you think so?
What I Think: Yes. I think you need a grand odyssey in which you never return to this place to bother me.
What I Say: You deserve it!
Scenario #3
Overweight Person: You are just so skinny. I want to feed you something. It's not fair. I do everything right and never drop a pound. (They say this eating a bacon cheeseburger with a large side of fries.)
What I Think: Why do really overweight people always say they want to feed me food? People barely want to feed the homeless or starving kids in Africa for 2 bucks a month. Feed them. I'm eating plenty, I assure you.
What I Say: Ha ha, you're funny!
Enjoy
Scenario # 1
The other day I was teaching boy scouts about the ER at work
Scout: Is it cool working in an ER?
What I Think: Yes, very cool in that ER's are like elephant graveyards. It's where self-respect and dignity go to die.
What I Say: It sure is!
Scenario #2
Person I Don't Like: I need a vacation. Don't you think so?
What I Think: Yes. I think you need a grand odyssey in which you never return to this place to bother me.
What I Say: You deserve it!
Scenario #3
Overweight Person: You are just so skinny. I want to feed you something. It's not fair. I do everything right and never drop a pound. (They say this eating a bacon cheeseburger with a large side of fries.)
What I Think: Why do really overweight people always say they want to feed me food? People barely want to feed the homeless or starving kids in Africa for 2 bucks a month. Feed them. I'm eating plenty, I assure you.
What I Say: Ha ha, you're funny!
Enjoy
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Wit
Some people have a wit that's just about as awkward as a first date. Some are just about as slow as the speed of smell.
More or less, you either got it or you don't. There are plenty who don't but pretend they do. Listening to those types is like listening to fingernails on a chalkboard while a cat is getting simultaneously raped.
I think I'm lucky to have the genetics I do. I have my mom's sharp and quick wit when I want to use it and my dad's cynical, crass and dry wit. Combined, they make a mix of smart-ass that is good for all situations. Multi-purpose wit, if you will. My sister mostly has my mom's sharp, high energy wit that I often lack. I wish I had half the energy she did with her wits.
Don't you hate it when you think of a comeback just a little bit after a situation occured? That's the worst. It almost feels like if you could just say those awesome things right when you need to, life would be awesome. Or terrible. There are plenty of times where I came up with a good comeback later on and thought "Good thing I actually didn't say that. I would have gotten my ass kicked."
Any case, I'm done talking about this boring subject. I just wanted to get across that I'm thankful I'm not a witless toolbag.
The end.
More or less, you either got it or you don't. There are plenty who don't but pretend they do. Listening to those types is like listening to fingernails on a chalkboard while a cat is getting simultaneously raped.
I think I'm lucky to have the genetics I do. I have my mom's sharp and quick wit when I want to use it and my dad's cynical, crass and dry wit. Combined, they make a mix of smart-ass that is good for all situations. Multi-purpose wit, if you will. My sister mostly has my mom's sharp, high energy wit that I often lack. I wish I had half the energy she did with her wits.
Don't you hate it when you think of a comeback just a little bit after a situation occured? That's the worst. It almost feels like if you could just say those awesome things right when you need to, life would be awesome. Or terrible. There are plenty of times where I came up with a good comeback later on and thought "Good thing I actually didn't say that. I would have gotten my ass kicked."
Any case, I'm done talking about this boring subject. I just wanted to get across that I'm thankful I'm not a witless toolbag.
The end.
Friday, June 3, 2011
My Musings For The Day
I've decided I'm going to have more blogs titled "My Musings For The Day." This will mostly be smaller ideas I can't turn into a full blog but feel like writing them anyway. So you're just going to have to deal with my lazy title skills.
One week ago I was on the road to Idaho going on vacation. Now I'm at work barely able to retain consciousness. Some days returning to work feels comparable to poop returning to the butthole. Uncomfortable and sad. Ironically, I'm sending emails out trying to pick up more shifts.
Does getting older mean having to go to more weddings? I feel like I've gone to more weddings the past couple of years than I have wanted to go to in an entire lifetime. I already have two to go to this Summer alone so far. There may even be one more two more yet to still go to. On the getting older note, I also wonder if getting older means that Home Depot and Lowes are cooler places to go to as you age. I was in a Home Depot the other day and found myself wanting a lot of stuff there. I used to hate that place. I guess it didn't apply to me as much when I was younger. Now, I find myself wanting tools and a need to build stuff despite the fact I'm barely capable of operating a hammer.
I have also found with getting older that my clothing styles are slowly changing. I was at Smith and Edwards Army Surplus Store getting stuff for camping last week and stumbled upon a sweet jacket. It was cheap and I thought it was fashionable. Well fashionable to me anyway. An old man who worked there commented on how awesome the jacket was. After bringing it home, I got a slew of crap about it. Apparently, it's an "old man jacket." I was also informed that I might as well play the part of the old man while wearing it and keep hard candys in my jacket. Maybe even a hanky. I really feel like I am an old soul at heart with a lot of the stuff I do and like.
After seeing a lot of family from both sides recently, I've noticed a steady view of how people see me. In short, it adds up to responsible and boring. In contrast, when people talk about my sister they talk about how high energy she is, and how much of a free spirit she is. They talk about how much fun how wreckless she can be. It's usually a detailed description when it comes to talking about my sister. When I get talked about, it's usually a long pause followed by "He's a good guy." Or even "He's responsible." But that's about it. Don't take this the wrong way, there is no jealousy of this. I like to think I have good and strong simple characteristics. I guess it wouldn't hurt if I heard that I was funny or at least cool to be around. But meh. Responsible and boring is kind of my thing. I'm better at that then being outgoing like my sister. I'm too shy for the most part. There are times I wish I had the energy of my sister and how she can get along with anyone. But that's a little too outside my bubble.
I feel that I've done a decent job at trying to write in this blog more often. Truthfully, it just feels good to write even if if no one is reading. I feel like I'm getting back to my old roots of writing more often and feeling good about it.
The quality of my blog has improved, I think. I hope you think so too.
One week ago I was on the road to Idaho going on vacation. Now I'm at work barely able to retain consciousness. Some days returning to work feels comparable to poop returning to the butthole. Uncomfortable and sad. Ironically, I'm sending emails out trying to pick up more shifts.
Does getting older mean having to go to more weddings? I feel like I've gone to more weddings the past couple of years than I have wanted to go to in an entire lifetime. I already have two to go to this Summer alone so far. There may even be one more two more yet to still go to. On the getting older note, I also wonder if getting older means that Home Depot and Lowes are cooler places to go to as you age. I was in a Home Depot the other day and found myself wanting a lot of stuff there. I used to hate that place. I guess it didn't apply to me as much when I was younger. Now, I find myself wanting tools and a need to build stuff despite the fact I'm barely capable of operating a hammer.
I have also found with getting older that my clothing styles are slowly changing. I was at Smith and Edwards Army Surplus Store getting stuff for camping last week and stumbled upon a sweet jacket. It was cheap and I thought it was fashionable. Well fashionable to me anyway. An old man who worked there commented on how awesome the jacket was. After bringing it home, I got a slew of crap about it. Apparently, it's an "old man jacket." I was also informed that I might as well play the part of the old man while wearing it and keep hard candys in my jacket. Maybe even a hanky. I really feel like I am an old soul at heart with a lot of the stuff I do and like.
After seeing a lot of family from both sides recently, I've noticed a steady view of how people see me. In short, it adds up to responsible and boring. In contrast, when people talk about my sister they talk about how high energy she is, and how much of a free spirit she is. They talk about how much fun how wreckless she can be. It's usually a detailed description when it comes to talking about my sister. When I get talked about, it's usually a long pause followed by "He's a good guy." Or even "He's responsible." But that's about it. Don't take this the wrong way, there is no jealousy of this. I like to think I have good and strong simple characteristics. I guess it wouldn't hurt if I heard that I was funny or at least cool to be around. But meh. Responsible and boring is kind of my thing. I'm better at that then being outgoing like my sister. I'm too shy for the most part. There are times I wish I had the energy of my sister and how she can get along with anyone. But that's a little too outside my bubble.
I feel that I've done a decent job at trying to write in this blog more often. Truthfully, it just feels good to write even if if no one is reading. I feel like I'm getting back to my old roots of writing more often and feeling good about it.
The quality of my blog has improved, I think. I hope you think so too.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
How To Be Successful At Any Job
There are millions of books that will tell you the key secret to being a model employee. They discuss generally small things like posture, body language, attitude, morality and ethics. I have found a way to bypass all of that unnecessary crap. It's not as if my body language or ethical moral code ever made a difference at any jobs I've ever had. All these books and blogs tend to leave out the most important piece of advice: sabotage.
Now, I don't mean go out and ruin someones career for shit's and giggles, or even be a total open douche. I present a passive aggressive solution that combines almost two contradictory ethical codes.
Laziness pays off now. Hard work pays off later.
That's right! You can do both! You can have your cake and eat it too if you follow my simple guidelines. How do you do that, you ask? Please keep reading to learn my priceless secrets.
No one is excellent at any job when they first start. I was just downright awful when I started my last job. I couldn't do anything correct. Use this to your advantage when starting any job. Gradually ease into the job. Establish that you take your time and might be a slow learner. This sets the stage for how people will percieve your future work ethic. Decent, but not great is what you want to aim for. If you work hard with a good attitude, it just sets you up to do more thankless tasks than you can possibly imagine.
Everyone loves a hard worker. You don't have to thank them as often and they tend to pick up slack with few complaints. Everyone hates a lazy worker. They get paid the same amount for doing less and are generally less respected. Plus that just puts them in the crosshairs for the next round of layoffs. Thusly, you will need to set your work effort to "aggressively mediocre." This means you do the job properly, but not poorly. This also means you don't excel. You just stay in the middle. People won't expect as much from you but won't expect less as well. This works well in your favor. No one asks you for more things, but they also don't float rumors about how worthless and lazy you are.
Now this is where it gets good. This is the key to your success. Let's say you have worked at this job for a year now and you have been deemed competent enough to train somone new. Let's say your name is J and your trainee's name is W. W is nice and enthusiastic. Wants to excel but doesn't have as much background in the job. J is tired of the job, wants a raise, and wants to appear better at the job without working harder. The right thing for J to do is under-train. Now I don't mean don't tell them very important things. That's a dick move. Plus if someone else trains them on days you're not there, you will seem super incompetent for having not mentioned something so very important. What I mean is, leave out small things. Small things add up. People remember small things and make a bigger deals about them. It's a fact of life.
So while J is training W, J casually forgets to say a few things about an obscure task that isn't used that often. However, the job requires you know this task, just in case. J actually forgets to go over many of these small things. These things are small enough that another trainer would likely forget them as well. After W is done training, W is supposedly ready to be autonomous and somewhat reliable.
W is now in some trouble. These small tasks keep coming up and they can't do them (or they think they forgot how to do them. Pefect!). People remember these things. W can't do most small tasks but is reasonably good at the bigger ones. Rumors start going around that W isn't very good or kind of slow. People start to mumble things like "This wouldn't have happened if J were here." or "J would have known what to do." J's value just increased by 100% without having to work harder. J is now percieved as more valuable. The more W screws up, the better J looks. Now of course, people can look back and say "Well J trained W. It's J's fault that W sucks." This is a minor complication that will be forgotten soon. Most people aren't in agreement with blaming trainers. Plus J can remark about how they had to explain EVERYTHING when training. If there is something people hate in the workplace, it's someone who has to be babied during training. Now this remark doesn't have to be true. It just becomes seemingly true the more W messes up and needs small tasks explained. This leaves the rest of the workplace longing for the good ol' days of when J worked. Ah, yes things were better when J was around. Things got done.
This laziness pays off long term. It will take W a while to get used to the job and be competent. J's value will increase as a result. Eventually, J's value as an employee plateaus when W gets to be decent at the job. But the beauty part is that the process is repeatable with each new employee J trains. It will seem as though the department is bad at hiring good people whereas J's value coincidentally increases with each new hire. If the new hire has experience within the company and is known to already be competent, this scheme will not work. J will probably be caught being lazy when the trainee appears more competent. J's stock in value will drop to all time lows. Someone may even catch on to the the grand scheme of under-training to increase one's value.
You get the point. It's quite repetitive. But it's gold, I tell you! Gold! I would even daresay, it's platinum! Perhaps even uranium. It's that good. It works every time.
Just for ego's sake, we'll call it "The Walker Maneuver."
Now, I don't mean go out and ruin someones career for shit's and giggles, or even be a total open douche. I present a passive aggressive solution that combines almost two contradictory ethical codes.
Laziness pays off now. Hard work pays off later.
That's right! You can do both! You can have your cake and eat it too if you follow my simple guidelines. How do you do that, you ask? Please keep reading to learn my priceless secrets.
No one is excellent at any job when they first start. I was just downright awful when I started my last job. I couldn't do anything correct. Use this to your advantage when starting any job. Gradually ease into the job. Establish that you take your time and might be a slow learner. This sets the stage for how people will percieve your future work ethic. Decent, but not great is what you want to aim for. If you work hard with a good attitude, it just sets you up to do more thankless tasks than you can possibly imagine.
Everyone loves a hard worker. You don't have to thank them as often and they tend to pick up slack with few complaints. Everyone hates a lazy worker. They get paid the same amount for doing less and are generally less respected. Plus that just puts them in the crosshairs for the next round of layoffs. Thusly, you will need to set your work effort to "aggressively mediocre." This means you do the job properly, but not poorly. This also means you don't excel. You just stay in the middle. People won't expect as much from you but won't expect less as well. This works well in your favor. No one asks you for more things, but they also don't float rumors about how worthless and lazy you are.
Now this is where it gets good. This is the key to your success. Let's say you have worked at this job for a year now and you have been deemed competent enough to train somone new. Let's say your name is J and your trainee's name is W. W is nice and enthusiastic. Wants to excel but doesn't have as much background in the job. J is tired of the job, wants a raise, and wants to appear better at the job without working harder. The right thing for J to do is under-train. Now I don't mean don't tell them very important things. That's a dick move. Plus if someone else trains them on days you're not there, you will seem super incompetent for having not mentioned something so very important. What I mean is, leave out small things. Small things add up. People remember small things and make a bigger deals about them. It's a fact of life.
So while J is training W, J casually forgets to say a few things about an obscure task that isn't used that often. However, the job requires you know this task, just in case. J actually forgets to go over many of these small things. These things are small enough that another trainer would likely forget them as well. After W is done training, W is supposedly ready to be autonomous and somewhat reliable.
W is now in some trouble. These small tasks keep coming up and they can't do them (or they think they forgot how to do them. Pefect!). People remember these things. W can't do most small tasks but is reasonably good at the bigger ones. Rumors start going around that W isn't very good or kind of slow. People start to mumble things like "This wouldn't have happened if J were here." or "J would have known what to do." J's value just increased by 100% without having to work harder. J is now percieved as more valuable. The more W screws up, the better J looks. Now of course, people can look back and say "Well J trained W. It's J's fault that W sucks." This is a minor complication that will be forgotten soon. Most people aren't in agreement with blaming trainers. Plus J can remark about how they had to explain EVERYTHING when training. If there is something people hate in the workplace, it's someone who has to be babied during training. Now this remark doesn't have to be true. It just becomes seemingly true the more W messes up and needs small tasks explained. This leaves the rest of the workplace longing for the good ol' days of when J worked. Ah, yes things were better when J was around. Things got done.
This laziness pays off long term. It will take W a while to get used to the job and be competent. J's value will increase as a result. Eventually, J's value as an employee plateaus when W gets to be decent at the job. But the beauty part is that the process is repeatable with each new employee J trains. It will seem as though the department is bad at hiring good people whereas J's value coincidentally increases with each new hire. If the new hire has experience within the company and is known to already be competent, this scheme will not work. J will probably be caught being lazy when the trainee appears more competent. J's stock in value will drop to all time lows. Someone may even catch on to the the grand scheme of under-training to increase one's value.
You get the point. It's quite repetitive. But it's gold, I tell you! Gold! I would even daresay, it's platinum! Perhaps even uranium. It's that good. It works every time.
Just for ego's sake, we'll call it "The Walker Maneuver."
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
One Year Weight Loss Anniversary
That's right. One year ago today I decided that I was going to lose weight. It was after Memorial Weekend that I decided it was time. It made sense to have one more weekend full of gluttony and start over anew on June first. I was 50 lbs heavier then. I got tired of looking at old photos of myself and realizing how pudgey I had gotten. I was tired of running to a code and being out of breath. I was tired of wearing clothes that had adequately disguised how much weight I had gained.
My goal to lose weight was somewhat complicated by the fact that I had a wedding to go to the week I started. Weddings are packed with terrible food. I showed some self control and didn't eat too horribly. After that, it was relatively smooth sailing. By August I had lost 30 lbs. When a new semester started that fall, I went off the deep end again. I started eating terrible and didn't exercise much. I didn't gain that much surprisingly. Even after 3 months of bad eating I had only gained 10-12 lbs back. By the beginning of December, I knew it was time again to go back so I didn't undo all my hard work. From that point on, I have watched my eating and kept the weight off and lost an additional 20 lbs.
It's been hard resisting my favorite foods. Fast food is a soft spot of mine. I love greasy food so much. Letting go of ice cream, donuts, and other pastries was also difficult. I still enjoy all these things just not on as frequent of a basis. It's still hard to resist all these temptations. But when I look back, it's been so worth it. I feel great, I look better, my attitude is much better. The work and effort has been worth every drop of sweat.
I can be very fickle some days. It's hard to keep me on track with anything. To see that such a good habit has stuck with me, makes me proud that I did what I set out to do. I don't care if people say I'm too skinny, or too scrawny, or whatever. I would rather be skinny than chubby any day of the week. I've been quite healthy about my weight loss and know that I am well within my healthy weight for my size.
It's not often I can say that I'm proud of myself. There are very few things that I do that live up to my standards. But losing all the weight that I have makes me very happy. It feels that for once, I did something right and stuck with it. I hope to continue with this healthy lifestyle. It has been most beneficial to me physically and emotionally. I don't have to wear larger clothes to hide my flab. I don't have to be sad that I don't fit in my favorite clothes anymore. I don't have to be so self conscious about how I look when I run into old friends.
I was going to post a pictures to show contrast. But I've decided I'm much too lazy to do that. Maybe another post. But until then, happy weight loss anniversary to me!
My goal to lose weight was somewhat complicated by the fact that I had a wedding to go to the week I started. Weddings are packed with terrible food. I showed some self control and didn't eat too horribly. After that, it was relatively smooth sailing. By August I had lost 30 lbs. When a new semester started that fall, I went off the deep end again. I started eating terrible and didn't exercise much. I didn't gain that much surprisingly. Even after 3 months of bad eating I had only gained 10-12 lbs back. By the beginning of December, I knew it was time again to go back so I didn't undo all my hard work. From that point on, I have watched my eating and kept the weight off and lost an additional 20 lbs.
It's been hard resisting my favorite foods. Fast food is a soft spot of mine. I love greasy food so much. Letting go of ice cream, donuts, and other pastries was also difficult. I still enjoy all these things just not on as frequent of a basis. It's still hard to resist all these temptations. But when I look back, it's been so worth it. I feel great, I look better, my attitude is much better. The work and effort has been worth every drop of sweat.
I can be very fickle some days. It's hard to keep me on track with anything. To see that such a good habit has stuck with me, makes me proud that I did what I set out to do. I don't care if people say I'm too skinny, or too scrawny, or whatever. I would rather be skinny than chubby any day of the week. I've been quite healthy about my weight loss and know that I am well within my healthy weight for my size.
It's not often I can say that I'm proud of myself. There are very few things that I do that live up to my standards. But losing all the weight that I have makes me very happy. It feels that for once, I did something right and stuck with it. I hope to continue with this healthy lifestyle. It has been most beneficial to me physically and emotionally. I don't have to wear larger clothes to hide my flab. I don't have to be sad that I don't fit in my favorite clothes anymore. I don't have to be so self conscious about how I look when I run into old friends.
I was going to post a pictures to show contrast. But I've decided I'm much too lazy to do that. Maybe another post. But until then, happy weight loss anniversary to me!
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