Wow. 2017 was a year. And it was by far one of my least favorite years. Never before have I been challenged to the end of my wits and patience. It was a long, long shitty year where there were only a handful of bright spots. It was a giant blur. School encompassed the majority of my year. Not in a good way either. It took over. When I look back, all I see is school and a couple of events that were nice and a lot more that were unpleasant. It was sort of a rough year. A year ago, I hoped for stability. It was stable in that I reliably had a schedule and something to do. But that was it. Otherwise, this was a year of bad news, bad breaks and some bad luck. I said goodbye to too many people I said goodbye to too many aspects of my life. I said goodbye to things that I thought helped make me, me. Of course, it wasn't awful. I'm sure if I told you the story, it would just be met with a giant eye roll.
Loneliness.
That's probably the best way to describe this year. Lots of feeling isolated. Lots of being scared, panicked or anxious. Lots of stress. Lots of shit I didn't want or need.
But at the end of it all, I got through it. I'm done with the more difficult aspect of school. Now it's time to start building a career this late in my life. Which I should feel accomplished but instead feel shame and embarrassment for having got to this point so late. All I can do is move forward and make 2018 my own. I'm hoping I'll have more time. More control. More money. More of my life to deal with. It won't feel dominated or wasted by outside sources. This year will still be a big step forward and so much is unknown. But perhaps that's what will make this year so grand. The unknown. Not knowing what's going to happen next. I'm looking forward to that.
For once, I have a year that feels like I can mold it.
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