Tuesday, September 16, 2008
I need to relax
Today didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would be. I got more rest than I had originally thought. My class got out early and I was able to sleep for three extra hours. Everything seems to be out of place lately. I can't describe how it feels. But it feels like there is pieces out of place. What pieces? I don't know. Perhaps its because I have felt overwhelmed lately between school and work. In school, I've done better than I ever have. I'm finally comfortable at work. I guess there isn't much to complain about.
Monday, September 15, 2008
A Long Bad Day
It's been a while since I've posted on here. Nearly three months. Unfortunately, I feel the urge to write about a long bad day.
At the end of a work day, most people are lucky enough to retire to their homes, in some cases to their beds. I am not one of those people. For the past 2 years I have been lucky enough to have fewer bad days than I did when I was younger. My quality of life has improved. My state of mind has improved. I guess that's what makes it so hard to have a bad day. When I was middle/high school, I frequently had gut-wrenching bad days. I struggled to stay afloat in my studies. My dad made sure my punishment was large and swift as a result. Every day my anxiety grew. Every day I was waiting for the axe to fall. The humble beginnings I had meeting girls tended to stress me out. If it wasn't one crazy girl trying to make my life hell, it was another. That was more towards my senior year. Everything changed when I graduated. But it wasn't the change I wanted. I still had the same shitty job. A job that nearly every day tore me apart. A job where I felt useless and belittled daily. The way I feel now is the way I felt nearly every day I worked there. I still had the same shitty girl problems. Change wasn't happening for me. I just assumed it would just happen if I was patient. But what I didn't understand that the change I wanted was the changed I had to make happen. After separating myself from a few people, getting a new job, and meeting a new wonderful girl, things started to change dramatically. I was happy with my work. I had money. I had good friends. I had a girlfriend. Things only got better from there.
Since then, I've had very few gut-wrenching bad days. I've had bad days, but not days where I just felt low. Days where I felt as bad as I did while attending high school. I'm not exactly why I feel as low as I do now. It wasn't a terrible day. The past few nights of work have been busy. Nothing exciting. Just busy. It started out like a normal work day. Things didn't start getting bad until I had to babysit a few psycho patients. I lose my patience quickly with mental patience. I just don't care for their problems to be honest. I especially don't care to babysit them like 6 year old children since thats the way they typically behave. Working in the ER has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. However, I did not sign up for babysitting duty for mentally unstable dumbasses. While babysitting patients, I like to do homework. Most of the time the doctors and nurses don't care. Most patients don't really need the supervision anyway. They just need to be watched because of protocol. While watching 2 of the patients one of the doctors asks me to get some ice for a patient. Keep in mind this is not one of my favorite doctors to work with. But as always I'm generally respectful to all of them. I just replied well I'm watching two patients, I can't. The doctor pointed to my homework and yelled, "is this what you're watching? For god sakes put that shit away and do your job!" I was a bit taken back by the remark. I quickly put away the book and went on to watch. The comment got to me more than it should. But what made it worse is the doctor was talking about me behind my back less than five feet away. I was infuriated. Talking about your problem with another employee while they sit 5 feet away is far more unprofessional than me doing homework while watching mentally stable patients. In reality, it got to me more than it really should have. But I felt like shit. I didn't mean to anger anyone over something so little. I typically don't let stuff like this get to me. But I guess I just wasn't as strong as I usually am.
I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. I was also worried. This is a doctor who likes to use their position to complain and change things that benefit them immediately. I worried for the security of my job. My nurse manager has a reputation for being impersonal and incredibly cold. I worried I would be fired at the request of the doctor. It put me in one of the most rotten moods I've been in for a long time. I was silent. I shuffled slower than I usually did.
I longed to go home the entire time. At the end of a hard day, my bed is always there to take me away from reality. I can sleep and forget about it all for just a few hours. I soon realized that I didn't have such an option. I had to take my BLS instructor course since my first one didn't take 2 hours after my shift was over. I hate sleeping at the hospital. The bed is always uncomfortable. Not just physically, but mentally. You constantly think of the people walking in the the breakroom outside of the door. You feel very self-conscious. Out of your element. It didn't seem appetizing to sleep for an hour then drive to Murray for the course. Which brings us here to this poorly thought out blog I'm writing right now. The worst part about this is, my long day isn't over. I have to do this course for 4 hours, get home at around one, sleep for 3 hours if I'm lucky. Then come back and get ready for work again. On top of that I have three tests this week.
I have so much to do and so little time to do it. I'm feeling overwhelmed and burnt out. I couldn't help but to keep reminding myself of my goal to one day become a doctor. To one day be equal or superior to those who troubled me. But that's just it. Is it a goal or a dream? It's easier for me to think so pessimistically when I'm in this bad of a mood. No time for sleep now. I need some caffiene to get this already shitty day jumpstarted. I need the artificial energy to boost me just for a couple of hours.
I'm done.
At the end of a work day, most people are lucky enough to retire to their homes, in some cases to their beds. I am not one of those people. For the past 2 years I have been lucky enough to have fewer bad days than I did when I was younger. My quality of life has improved. My state of mind has improved. I guess that's what makes it so hard to have a bad day. When I was middle/high school, I frequently had gut-wrenching bad days. I struggled to stay afloat in my studies. My dad made sure my punishment was large and swift as a result. Every day my anxiety grew. Every day I was waiting for the axe to fall. The humble beginnings I had meeting girls tended to stress me out. If it wasn't one crazy girl trying to make my life hell, it was another. That was more towards my senior year. Everything changed when I graduated. But it wasn't the change I wanted. I still had the same shitty job. A job that nearly every day tore me apart. A job where I felt useless and belittled daily. The way I feel now is the way I felt nearly every day I worked there. I still had the same shitty girl problems. Change wasn't happening for me. I just assumed it would just happen if I was patient. But what I didn't understand that the change I wanted was the changed I had to make happen. After separating myself from a few people, getting a new job, and meeting a new wonderful girl, things started to change dramatically. I was happy with my work. I had money. I had good friends. I had a girlfriend. Things only got better from there.
Since then, I've had very few gut-wrenching bad days. I've had bad days, but not days where I just felt low. Days where I felt as bad as I did while attending high school. I'm not exactly why I feel as low as I do now. It wasn't a terrible day. The past few nights of work have been busy. Nothing exciting. Just busy. It started out like a normal work day. Things didn't start getting bad until I had to babysit a few psycho patients. I lose my patience quickly with mental patience. I just don't care for their problems to be honest. I especially don't care to babysit them like 6 year old children since thats the way they typically behave. Working in the ER has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. However, I did not sign up for babysitting duty for mentally unstable dumbasses. While babysitting patients, I like to do homework. Most of the time the doctors and nurses don't care. Most patients don't really need the supervision anyway. They just need to be watched because of protocol. While watching 2 of the patients one of the doctors asks me to get some ice for a patient. Keep in mind this is not one of my favorite doctors to work with. But as always I'm generally respectful to all of them. I just replied well I'm watching two patients, I can't. The doctor pointed to my homework and yelled, "is this what you're watching? For god sakes put that shit away and do your job!" I was a bit taken back by the remark. I quickly put away the book and went on to watch. The comment got to me more than it should. But what made it worse is the doctor was talking about me behind my back less than five feet away. I was infuriated. Talking about your problem with another employee while they sit 5 feet away is far more unprofessional than me doing homework while watching mentally stable patients. In reality, it got to me more than it really should have. But I felt like shit. I didn't mean to anger anyone over something so little. I typically don't let stuff like this get to me. But I guess I just wasn't as strong as I usually am.
I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. I was also worried. This is a doctor who likes to use their position to complain and change things that benefit them immediately. I worried for the security of my job. My nurse manager has a reputation for being impersonal and incredibly cold. I worried I would be fired at the request of the doctor. It put me in one of the most rotten moods I've been in for a long time. I was silent. I shuffled slower than I usually did.
I longed to go home the entire time. At the end of a hard day, my bed is always there to take me away from reality. I can sleep and forget about it all for just a few hours. I soon realized that I didn't have such an option. I had to take my BLS instructor course since my first one didn't take 2 hours after my shift was over. I hate sleeping at the hospital. The bed is always uncomfortable. Not just physically, but mentally. You constantly think of the people walking in the the breakroom outside of the door. You feel very self-conscious. Out of your element. It didn't seem appetizing to sleep for an hour then drive to Murray for the course. Which brings us here to this poorly thought out blog I'm writing right now. The worst part about this is, my long day isn't over. I have to do this course for 4 hours, get home at around one, sleep for 3 hours if I'm lucky. Then come back and get ready for work again. On top of that I have three tests this week.
I have so much to do and so little time to do it. I'm feeling overwhelmed and burnt out. I couldn't help but to keep reminding myself of my goal to one day become a doctor. To one day be equal or superior to those who troubled me. But that's just it. Is it a goal or a dream? It's easier for me to think so pessimistically when I'm in this bad of a mood. No time for sleep now. I need some caffiene to get this already shitty day jumpstarted. I need the artificial energy to boost me just for a couple of hours.
I'm done.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)