When I was a kid, I loved playing with action figures. It entertained me to great lengths to play with unrealistic looking people. All of them had very muscle toned bodies and the ideal weight of 2 grams. But being almost 21 years old, I have outgrown playing with action figures with a fictional premise. would I buy action figures now if there was a tad bit more of a realistic premise? You bet! So I have invented a line of new action figures that I would buy if such products existed. I call it the Hopeless Life Collection. All of these figures are based on what reality really is most of the time. Enjoy reading about my great marketing achievement.
Sexual Predator Hector: Part Time Janitor, Full Time Creep:
Sexual Predator Hector is highly unsuccessful with women and tries to make up for it by being extremely creepy to any female within 40 yards. Armed with his trusty mop and a handful of crappy pick up lines, Hector takes the field and raises the company sexual harassment lawsuits to new highs. Accessories include mop, 16 karrot gold necklace, a comb and a wallet full of old condoms. For a limited time, you can get the special edition action figure. Comes with website to do free background check. Each action figure is unique with a different criminal history. The holder of the action figure with the most sexual felonies wins a lifetime supply of KY Jelley.
Beligerant Bob:
Bob is a loud and obnoxious middle aged man. Rumored to be mildly retarded, Bob makes a scene wherever the most attention can be given. Join Bob as he freaks out at the grocery store over long lines and his turbulent divorce with his wife High Maintanence Mary (sold seperately) Accessories include: expired prozac, trailer, (or as the neighbors call it "shrine of crushed hope") and food stamps.
High Maintenanc Mary:
Mary is a former stripper with high standards despite living a very low life. She enjoys Wheel of Fortune and reminiscing about the 80's. Follow her adventures as she crushes Bobs sexual ambitions with phrases like "Not until we get that kitchen my friends were telling me about," or Bob's favorite "Only if you promise to last more than 7 minutes." Accessories include: fraudulent checks, a pack of smokes, and enough bright blue eye shadow to get through the 80's twice.
Suicidal Sally:
Sally is a young woman with low self esteem. She often preys on the sympathetic for money so she can overdose on medicines she knows won't kill her. She will kill herself one day she says as she tries to slice her wrists with a stick. Attention starved and not very bright, you can join Sally in her adventures as she finds new inefficient ways to look the grim reaper in the eye. And lets not forget her deep 2 week relationship with Suicidal Sam. Accessories include: benadryl, a phone book and a purse full of smarties that she poses as "rat poison"
Suicidal Sam:
Sam is a young man with a receding hairline. His suicidal endeavors have been unsuccessful due to his lack of intelligence. Sam often times writes poetry about sadness and the joys he never had. Join Sam in his crazy adventures as he inpregnates Suicidal Sally and bails like a deadbeat dad. (emotional bastard son not included with purchase)
Gothic Gary:
Gary dresses in black to reflect his constant cynical mood. He feels he is unique and intelligent dressing like tard with a bad incident at the tar and chain factory. Gary comes with 3 distinct phrases that define is intelligence "fuck Bush" "Fuck war" "Don't eat meat." Join Gary in his depressing adventures as he poses his opinions as fact in front of intelligent people.
Illogical Ike:
Ike is starting his career as a fresh out of school business executive. Known for his impulse actions and fear failure, you can join Ike on all of his poorly thought schemes. You can make Ike fake a serious illness to get out of work just go to the ER. Ike is capable of spending over 5000 dollars in unnecessary medical bills. Accessories include: empty briefcase, leisure suit, and a broken stapler.
Optimistic Olley:
Olley has lived a good life. His optimism is unbeatable. However, despite his great attitue, life decides to shit on him constantly. You can make Olley keep a straight smiling face as he loses his job, discovers his wife cheating, and eats Taco Bell.
Deadbeat Dan:
Dan is a 30 year old man who is not yet ready to let go of his early college years. Working at the local gas station, Dan insists he is going somewhere in life as he steals a pack of smokes and a pack of the stores cheapest beer. You can join Dan on all of his brain-dead misadventures trying to recapture his youth by showing up to college parties. Accessories include: 3 colorful outfits from the 90's, an eviction notice, and tape cassette walkman.
Admit it, you would buy them too in mass quantities. Probably own the whole collection if you could, right? Hope you enjoyed. Perhaps I'll write another someday.
