Trying To Be Nice

For my New Years resolution this year, I wanted to try to be a better person. I know that's a rather ambiguous goal but I had a few subgoals that defined it. I wanted to be nicer to people. I wanted to be more likeable. I wanted to smile more often. I wanted to be friendlier to people, even if I didn't like or know them. I wanted to try to be more openminded. I wanted to be more outgoing.

These are good things to strive for as I have a somewhat difficult time with most of these. I have worried greatly that I'm not a good or likeable person. Sure, I have good close friends. But I worry that I'm disliked or hated because of my awkward traits.

Yesterday I had a thought that really brought me down a few notches and brought me back to this goal. I thought to myself "Would I be friends with me if I were someone else?" Or even "Would I even like me if I was someone else?" To both questions I answered to myself "Probably not." Thinking of how awkward and unintentionally stern I can be, I reasoned that I wouldn't like me. I would probably think I was an arrogant prick or some weirdo. I don't want to be that guy. There are a couple of people I work with who are just loved by everyone. They have that magnetic personality that I wish I had. I wish it was easy for me to be nice to every single person. I mean openly genuinely nice. Nice small talk. Warm smile. Caring attitude. It's difficult for me to be genuinely nice to strangers. It's hard for me to have nice small talk that shows that I care or at least creates the illusion thereof.

I want to be better. I want to be nicer. I want to care. I don't want to come off as a weird arrogant asshole. It shouldn't be so hard for me to be genuinely nice to people I don't know or care about. It sounds awful and that's because it is. I don't want to be that person.

I will try harder to do this. I've been trying with some success, but I can do better.

The Wind Through My Hair and Heavy Metal

Driving home from work on Sunday was a liberating experience. The sun was still shining at 6 pm. It was perfect weather. Everything seemed so calm and still. 

I jumped in my car and headed towards the freeway. Towards home. There was hardly anyone on the roads. I didn't hit a single red light. I put on my sunglasses, rolled down all the windows in my car and searched for the perfect driving music. I had energy for some reason, even though work and the loss of one hour of sleep due to the Daylight Savings switch had exhausted me. I needed something that catered to this pent up reserve of energy..............Metal?...........Heavy metal. I like metal but I rarely crave listening to it. But it seemed perfect. I put it on shuffle and trusted my I-Pod to choose what metal songs I needed. My I-Pod didn't disappoint. With absolute precision, every song chosen was perfect for my mood. 

I drove down the freeway practically all by myself. There was hardly a vehicle on the road. I stepped on the gas driving at speeds I rarely see on my speedometer. The sun was shining down on me. The wind was blowing through my hair. My favorite metal songs blasted in the background. The thrill of the speed recharged my spirits. I can't describe it, but I felt......free. Life felt like it should feel; free of worry. Exhilarating. Liberated. For the 15 minutes I was driving home, I felt alive. All I wanted to do was keep on driving. Drive somewhere I've never been. Discover something I didn't know was there before. Listen to music until my heart got it's fill. Feel the wind through my hair just a little longer. Feel the sun on my face until the moon greeted my eyes.  

But I couldn't. I had a real life to return to. I had people to see. Things to do. Tasks that needed my attention. My real life could not go unattended. It needed me more. I needed it more. 

I realized that this time was not the last opportunity I had to feel this feeling. Summer was on it's way and I could feel all this again. My hair would be shorter by then. But all the same, I could replicate this experience as I do every Summer. 

Soon. Very soon. I can have this for months at a time. 

Another Sun Blog

Every year, I write a blog about how much I love the sun. I write about it most when it's out during Winter and Spring. Today will be no exception. The sun is out. It's warm and I feel good.

It won't hurt my feelings to have an early Spring come along. Screw Winter. I hate the snow. Every time I have to shovel snow, I'm reminded about how much I long for a time when the coldest temperature is 78 degrees. Sure it's only 50 degrees out right now. But in two days it will be 62 degrees. That's F-ing wonderful! Warm weather is on it's way. Sunshine, sun rays, sunny weather, sunny everything is coming soon.

Sorry the for the lack of posts on this blog. All my efforts have been going towards my Mustache blog this month.