Death

I had to put my dog down on Monday morning after I got off a long shift at work. It's the second dog I've had to put down due to cancer. It was tough to go through. I'm doing pretty ok now. I was worse on Thursday when I heard my dogs time was short.

I was anxious. I was sad. Most of all, I was scared. I think we are all scared when we are confronted with dealing with the death of a loved one. We are scared because we don't know what's on the other side. Death shakes the core beliefs of even the most religious. Almost causing doubt of an afterlife and their continuation there. Many take the leap of faith knowing there is such an existence. We know nothing about death other than how to get there and that it's inevitable for all living things. We all hope that it's not truly the end, that the human spirit prevails over the frailty of physical existence. Even myself being an atheist, hopes that maybe in some way there is something else. 

Sadness is a very common reaction for the death of a loved one in this part of the world. In some countries, funerals are like parties. You celebrate that they moved on to somewhere presumably better. You celebrate the life they had and the life they will have on another plain of existence. Usually, grievance is the emotion expressed for such an occasion. I think we are sad in a deeper sense when being left by a departed loved one. It's not just being gone and not coming back to a living existence. I think it's a deeper sense of sadness, where we are reminded of the frailty of life. That we don't live forever and that we don't get to share our lives with those we care about the most forever. I think we all feel on a subconscious level that we should get to share our lives with those we like till the end of our days, assuming no one's life will be cut short. When they leave, we are sad because we don't get to have experiences we are used to having. We don't get to share any more moments and memories. I think that strikes sadness and fear into the heart of the very essence of the human spirit.

I know not everyone cares for animals and pets the way some people do. Some just see them as stupid animals. Others as companions and friends. I've always been raised around dogs and have always looked to them for sense of companionship. I think last Thursday was the hardest I have cried in years. It was too much to think that my dog was in so much pain with metastatic lymphoma. It hurt too much to think he would be gone soon. I felt as though it was my fault. As though I was not strong enough to have prevented this or to save him from certain fate. I most certainly went through the 7 stages of grievance. Some stages lasted longer than others. I think anger lasted the longest for me. All Sunday morning, all I could think about was wanting to punch a hole through a wall. I don't know why.

Nonetheless, I came to a sense of acceptance. He was my dog and I loved him. Although I'm sad I have to go through my journey in life without him, I can sleep well at night knowing that he is no longer in pain. I know that he lived a good life and that he was well loved throughout it. My house is definitely a much emptier and quieter place without him. I can't help but notice the little differences with his absence. No happy greeter to lick my hand as I drag myself through the door of my home after work. No head to lay in my lap while I relax. No companion to follow me through the house, just because.


Doggy heaven or not, I'm a firm believer that no one and nothing is truly dead if we remember them. The spirit of character can live immortally in the stories and memories of this person or pet. So this is for you Jake. Thanks for being my friend the past 7 years, no matter what, thick and thin, you were always there. You will be missed.

He would always stand by the window and wait for me or my sister to get home.

I was probably 16 or 17 in this picture. I was hugging him for some reason.

Explaining the Tributes

A recurring theme in my blog is looking back and appreciating the events and people that have made my life better. Someone asked me why that was a few weeks ago. I didn't really think too much into it at the time. Today, I actually thought about it and remembered why this was.

It all started when I was young. I can't remember my exact age. I was probably about 10 or 11. I was in Idaho Falls at my grandpa's truckstop having breakfast with my grandpa, my dad and my uncle Dave and Uncle Trevor. My uncle Dave is quite the character. That man speaks his mind at all times and voices as many opinions as he can into a conversation. He gave me some advice that has really stuck with me since then.

"Johnny," he said as he casually lit up a cigarette. "Always remember your roots. Always remember where you came from and the people who made you who you are. Without them, you wouldn't be who you are now. For some people, it's better they never remember that sort of thing. For most people, they don't remember it enough. A main character in a story without other characters or scenery just doesn't make sense."

I remember this well for some reason. I practically committed it to memory. I have also heard him give similar advice to my younger cousins throughout the years. It is advice that has served me well. I have done my best to remember the people who have influenced me to take the routes that I have. It doesn't matter whether their roles in my life were short-lived, long term, or on-going. Time is not always a factor when making a difference in someone's life. I may not be a perfect person or have made the best decisions as a result of these people and events entering my life. But it has taken me to where I am now, and I'm happy.

Drunk Post

I'm currently fairly intoxicated. Not as bad as I was 3 hours ago, but still pretty gone. I shall recap my night in brief.

I went off to Ogden with Nicole to nostalgically enjoy the ham fried rice and egg rolls I love so much at the Golden Jade Chinese Restaurant. It was amazing food. Came back, enjoyed Mario Bros on the Wii with Nicole. Reunited with Jeff and Audrey after a month hiatus. Watched the Boondocks season 1 on DVD while enjoying alcoholic beverages such as white Russians and beer. Had a little too much to the point my stomach curled.

Enjoyable?

Yes.

Awesome?

Woot.


PS. I fulfilled my curiosity and discovered I am indeed capable of playing guitar whilst under the influence of alcohol

Late Night/Early Morning Tribute to Local

It was a long shitty shift at work last night, where my best highlight was a joke with Chad about bacon tasting better if the pig was slaughtered after being pleasured ("This pig was pleasured every day for a month, this is some damn good bacon." You probably had to just be there to really enjoy it). That was at the last hour of my shift. Probably my only saving grace that got me in a better mood.

As I was driving home, all the positive things in my life seemed to shine through. For the first time in months, I could see the sun start to creep over the mountains in the east. The moon halfway hid in the atmosphere, holding it's ground in the south, as if to not be swayed by the sun coming on shift. A grin came came across my face as I embraced the scenery. I started up my ipod and put it on shuffle. The first song that played sent me back to a different time. Although, it was only a time of 4 years ago, it was most certainly a different time for me.

As the song played, I had a flashback of vivid imagery from when I worked at Local. For those who don't know, Local was a music store in South Town Mall that promoted local and big music alike. It was the biggest thing of my life after high school. So many positive things came from there.

It seemed in an instant my whole experience there flashed before my eyes in it's entirety. Sitting behind the counter of an empty store, getting paid nothing the entire time I worked there, meeting new people, setting up for shows for big bands and small bands, meeting bands. Such a big list can be compiled from my experience there. I would be pretty much rambling in doing so. But I'll do it anyway

I remember.....
Late night talks with Eric, as we exchanged stories and heartfelt advice about everything.
John Allred's rants.
Sitting in the store with Shila doing nothing.
Seeing Erin come through the door at almost exactly the same time Monday-Friday after she got out of school.
Attempting to form new bands after hours.
Hanging out after hours watching movies on a projector screen.
Sleeping there because I was too hungover to face my parents.
Meeting Nicole for the first time.
Being visited by friends all the time.
The first time in my life, I felt cool. I felt "in" or "hip" or whatever people are saying these days.
Discovering new music daily.
Trying to find a house to rent with Eric
My VW Bus that nearly made me iconic
Playing my own music on the overhead speakers
Passing out on the lovesac in the store knowing full well no customers would be coming in any time soon.
Saying "testing my tangible testicles on terrible Tuesdays" for every sound check in every show.

I'll stop the list there. But I just wanted to say thank you to Local and everyone who was there. I often look back at the time of my life as the best part so far. It was still a turbulent time of being lost and not knowing what to do with my life, but it was a hell of a ride while it was going. The experience had the most positive impact on me. It will take nothing short of Alzheimers, a brain injury, or hilarious senility to pry those memories from me.

So Much I Wish I Could Do With My Life

With me being an atheist, I believe this is my only journey. I can't help but think of all the things I wish I had time to do. Perhaps I can. But many will be on the lifelong wish list.

1. Learn to play as many instruments as possible
2. Get a bachelors in physics
3. Travel to every state in the US with generous stays.
4. Travel to at least 10 countries
5. Carry on the family name of Johnny Walker with offspring
6. Publish at least one book
7. Be in a movie as an extra
8. Learn Spanish fluently
9. Learn more sports
10. Live a life worthy of being retold by my children, grandchildren, etc
11. Make a memorable impact (hopefully positively) on as many people as I can meet
12. Be an amateur astronomer
13. Visit space at least once
14. Stay in relatively good shape
15. See Italy one more time
16. Own my own dogs
17. Maybe have a brief stint in politics
18. Invent something useful
19. Learn at least 2 forms of martial arts.
20. Have a secluded home, but not too far from a city

That is small list of big things I wish I could accomplish before succumbing to heart disease, an assassination, or even a deadly savage beating from a fantasy character (such as a gnome, gremlin, troll, witch, hobbit, or even a quick stomping from a dragon.)

Quarter Year Update

I'm sitting in the cafeteria at the hospital I work at. I'm about an hour past my scheduled shift. I should be home sleeping in my nice comfortable bed. But alas, duty calls. More education department crap to do. So while I'm waiting for the education department to actually open it's doors, I will write on an irrelevant life update that I doubt many will care to read.

Now that it's March, we have officially reached the 1st quarter of the year. Time has really flown by quickly so far. A lot has happened this past couple of months. In short, I'm trying to get it all together again. Most major thing I need to start doing is work out again. I plan to start up again starting tomorrow. I desperately need to work out. I have gained nearly 12 pounds since October. I go through this at least 2-3 times a year. I gain a ton of weight, I lose it again, become unmotivated to keep working out or get thrown of track, gain more weight back, realize I have a fat ass a few months down the road, work out again, and forth. It's a vicious cycle. But it's gotten bad again. The worst it has gotten in fact. I'm an unhealthy 160 for my age. As always, I hope I can keep it up. But I truly need to do it. I'm starting to squeeze out of old clothes. Starting to upgrade my size in scrubs (fuck). It's embarrassing. So I will be back to working out hard, and eating healthy again.

Now that March is here, I'm also doing Mustache March. It's not a contest........yet. Many want to make it into a contest. I will enter, but defeat is likely. I think it's a fun thing to do. Sure I look like crap, but it's not the end of the world. It's only for month. Today, I take my last shave, after that, my razor will gather some dust for 30 days. I have started a blog that will follow these mustache adventures. Though many will have to be false in order to create the illusion that ugly mustaches are fun.

I have slacked a little in school. I will definitely realign with my goals this month. I can't be a nobody forever. I sure as hell don't want to be a tech forever. So school will see me try a little harder.

I'm thinking about buying my grandpa's Jeep Wrangler. But that is likely not to happen. I would love to have one. But I still have to repair my car and so forth. So who knows.

Guitar is awesome and I will strive to be better at it, as it has done a good job of helping me keep my sanity.

Can't wait for warm weather. The cold blows.

Memorial weekend is in 2 and a half months.

The future appears bright. I just have to make it so.