don't look back.... you're not going that way...
- Sheyn
It's weird to have that said to me to be honest. Thats usually the advice I give to people who often live with regret and live in the past. I always say something like "Don't live in the past, there is nothing you can change there." or "The past is the past, just let it it be" Are any of you one of those people who give advice to others but never listen to your own advice? I know I am. I never listen to my own advice. Some people come to me for answers thinking I at least have some idea to help them. In some aspects, I don't even have answers to the same problems for myself. I question my ambitions because I have so little of them. I have ideas that usually just stay as ideas. Usually when I have a big enough of an ambition, I accomplish it quickly. If I want it bad enough. I don't think I'm living in the past much. I usually let it stay that way. I think I don't look forward enough. On my darker days I wish for the older days. Days where I didn't have to worry about this. Often, I realize that I'm better off now then I ever was. I don't have enough realistic ideas for my future. Some do. Sheyn for example has Allred. I know he loves being in that band pretty much more than anything. Granted, I don't know him that well. But he does have ambition. (By the way check out Allred they have a new cd coming out next week. They kick ass!!! www.myspace.com/allred) I have come to realize that people with ambition, usually no matter what it is, is well respected.
high school was just a big joke of trying to fit in and stupid drama! Plus now that you are in college you hold more responsiblity than you did in high school...and sometimes it feels overwhelming!
-Becca
You don't realize how big of a barrier there is between you and people still in high school until you are about 4 months graduated. All of a sudden you feel like you're talking to a kid in some cases. It makes you wonder "Was I like that?" Probably....... Because the fact is, we were kids. We still are but the second you graduate, you are pretty much forced to grow up because the world and society does not slow down for you. It never will. Some people want to go back to high school. Less responsibility, more fun, old memories, etc. I never want to go back to high school. Don't get me wrong high school was fun and it was good not to have as much responsibility. But I feel like I don't have enough responsibility that goes anywhere. My jobs responsibilities are bullshit responsibilities. The only people who give a shit if you mess up is your supervisor who incidentally barely graduated high school 45 years ago. Big deal. The paper was in the wrong file. My handwriting couldn't be read so that patient didn't get plastic fork because of their dumbass preference for none metal silverware. Which usually has nothing to do with a medical condition. If I told some people what I get in trouble for at work, they would most likely laugh and say "who gives a fuck" I sure don't. I barely do my job correctly because it doesn't matter what I do. My responsibilities are that of a deadbeat dad. I want more responsibility that has meaning. I kind of long for it. Not a lot where I get overwhelmed and give up. But enough to keep me on my toes. Too less and I don't give a rats ass.
Live life well and have fun doing it
-Matt
I think this is advice that not enough people live by. Some people get so consumed in a job or a hobby that it's no longer fun. It's habit. Some people live to gamble. It's not fun. But it's addicting. Some people devote their lives to upholding the rules and work of a heartless corporation. It's not fun. But it's all they have. This is advice I have tried to live by the best I could. I was so wound up tight when I was younger that sometimes it kept me from experiencing new things in life. New things that I enjoy now. I started to loosen up a little as I got older. I tried new things, met new people. A lot of new people actually. I came out of my shell for once. I used to be so dark and pessimistic. Everything was the worst case scenario and I would constantly whine about how my life sucked. Why the hell do that? What's the point? It's like shooting myself in the foot. How can I have fun and see life for what it really is if all I see is the worst part of it. Despite the ups and downs, life is beautiful. It's remarkable. The past year, I feel like I have fallen in love with life. The endless possibilities, the beautiful weather days, camping, new memories. Everything. If you think I'm a cynical pessimist now, that's nothing. That's just me being realistic or blunt in some fashion. I used to be so cynical and pessimistic the most unlikely possibility of a situation kept me and sometimes others from doing other things. You only live once. I do my best to not live with regrets. We all have our lives ahead of us. What's the use of dwelling on something that will never again when the future is still to come? When we can improve and make sure it doesn't happen again?
If you want something, the fact is, ya gotta get an idea of how to get there, and fuckin do it........
I guess you gotta ask yourself if you've got the drive to do what you want, cause once you make that goal, that's all you're gonna have to keep you going... it's just gotta be worth it
-Jeff
He's right you know? I have done jackshit to achieve what I want. But the truth is, I don't know what I want anymore. I wanted to go to med school. But can I do it? Is that what I really want to do? If not, then what? I don't know. Doing medicine is something I've always wanted to do. It has responsibility, stability, satisfaction, and new information all the time. I was raised with medical careers because of my parents. It's a subject that has always interested me a ton. I know a bit about it. Enough to create the illusion I'm intelligent anyway. (joke) But the truth is, everyone I know knows exactly what they want, and they are going for it. And that's amazing. They are good people and have the potential and the likeliness to accomplish it. As for me, when my mind is set on something, I do it. And I don't give up. I'm a very stubborn individual. I wonder if I do really have what it takes to do medicine. Maybe be a doctor. I want to be successful to the point I want to give back to the people who have given to me. I want to help people. I sincerely do. At this point, I don't know what my mind is set on. Do other people think I can do it? I usually don't give a shit what people think. But suddenly when it comes to this, what I'm going to do wtih my life, I feel like nobody feels like I could go to med school and accomplish it. Am I seen just as a goofy dumbass? Do I seem absolutely retarded to people? If I don't have sincere support in some things, I can't do them. That whole mindset that no one can think I can do it. Sometimes that encourages me, and other times it brings me down. Maybe I really can't do it. But what can I do? Writing would be cool. But do I have what it takes to be a writer? Would I sell? Or would I be another no name on the library shelf? Writing is something I have been told I am talented at. But a talent to one person may be the work of a dreaming ameteur to another. It's something I do frequently. But who knows. Music would be cool, but I find less time to play and even few people to even play with. (damn you!) Usually my connection to doing something musical is volunteering at Local. And I love that! It's great to be around music and great people. It's fun. I love it. One thing is for sure, anything business is out of the question for me. It doesn't interest me at all. It seems so boring and pointless. I don't like the business world. I don't like how the business world works. I like to talk about politics, but I wouldn't go into politics to save my soul. Power corrupts and in this day and age, power is as easily and more frequently abused than drugs. I don't want to be that way. A part of me tells me I would be. I really don't know. But I do know the next semester I am going to do a lot more. I'm going to strive a little more to be something than just 3 classes at a time. If I want responsibility and success, I have to work for it. It's not going to fall into my lap and pleasure me like a cheap hooker. (even though that option is acceptable and preferred) I'm hoping that with a more detailed idea of what kind of medical career I might want to pursue, that I might go out and do it. And with all the classes I will be taking, ideas will be everywhere. I hope to find one soon. I know I will. But so far, I think a medical career is going to be the way I go.
I quoted those people because their advice truly got to me. Their words made me think and helped me think. I have a better idea of what I want. Not a clear idea. But it's a start. But their help has meant more than they know. I'm not just saying that to sound like a corny bitch. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my future, I asked for advice and I got it. I couldn't be more pleased with the results I got. It's helped me along the confusion and hopefully I'll be on the path to something meaningful soon.
Thank you all!
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Sunday, April 23, 2006
I Could Use Some Change
The semester is almost over finally. Only about 2 weeks left and I'm free until August. No way in hell I'm going to school over the summer. I need to build some money first. I'm just barely getting out of debt and it feels good. The trick will be to stay out of debt and at the same time still save money for next fall semester. But that's not really an issue. I'm still feeling a sense of personal happiness.
But yet, I can't help but feel like something needs to change. Does anyone else feel like they need change but have absolutely no idea what needs to change? And even if you knew what needed to be changed, would you be able to change it? Would you have the will power to do it? Would you be better off for doing so? What consequences would be involved? Do you have what it takes to make extraordinary things happen? Do you ever crave a sense of change like an addict craves their addiction?
Lately, I've been finding myself asking these questions to myself repeatedly. I feel like I need change so badly. There's nothing wrong with my social life. That doesn't need to change. I'm cool just chillin with good friends and doing whatever spontaneous shit pops into our heads. It always changes. I'm looking for change beyond my social life. I'm looking for change that could bring my life substance. Bring me some sense meaning. I don't feel meaningless per se. But I feel sometimes what I do with my life is. My job for example, is meaningless. If there was one thing I could change right now, it would instantly be my job. And I know how to change that, but yet luck/karma/outside forces(?) have clearly not been on my side in this endeavor. I have been trying to leave my job since September/early October. The interviews are already fixed, someone has already been chosen most of the time. I want a job that has meaning. Preferably in medicine. Something with more patient care. Something with responsibility. I would like to do something in music. But I want to move up and maybe gain some respect. Most I could do in music right now is work at a music store for jackshit wages. I'm trying to get into programs that will throw me into the pit of medical care but with little success. I want to go to med school and major in radiology. Once again, I find that I question myself. Do I have what it takes to do medicine? If not, then what? Am I smart enough? Do I have any useful talents? Am I just mediocre at everything I do? No, I'm not a pessimist. But it feels like I'm trapped. I'm starting to feel a little burnt out from all the lack of meaning. My future really does scare me in some aspects. There are some people who have the ambition, the motivation, the vision, and the drive to the point they have an idea of where they will be in 10 years. I'm notorious for living my life 2 hours at a time. I can't see myself in 10 years. I'll be 29. That's far away. Nearly my 3rd decade in life. Where will I be? Who will I be? Will I still have the same friends? Will I be married? Divorced? (I hope not with all my life) Will I be successful? Will I feel like I'm accomplishing something?
I suppose my overthinking goes hand in hand with how I've been acting lately. There are several people over the past 3 months who I have just pushed myself from completely. To the point where I don't talk to them anymore. A few I just pushed myself away to the point where we are just acquaintences. Generally, these people are still in high school. I don't know a ton of high school people who aren't dramatic, selfish, immature, whiny and fake. And of course, they are still in high school. There is a small handful of people who I know who are not like that. That's great. And not necessarily everyone I'm pushing away from aren't in that category. But I felt like it was time to move on from these people. All they brought was drama, broken hopes, and endless amounts of bitching. And personally, I don't have time to feel like that. I don't have time to deal with attention addicts who are going to fall on their asses after high school. I don't have time to give a shit about what some dramatic and fake16-17 year old girl thinks about me. I don't have the patience or the time to even think about stupid shit like that. There is some people who I would really rather not ever speak to again. Does this make me selfish, or am I doing what is necessary for both of us? Once again, not everyone is in that category. Not everyone did something to piss me off either. I just felt like I needed to move away from people I didn't know very well or could do without easy and likewise visa versa. But if I don't have time for that, What exactly do I have time for then? When given time, I don't do a whole hell of a lot with it. Sometimes I just sit on my ass and do nothing. Which isn't always bad. I'm a fairly private person sometimes. I need my alone time where I just do nothing and be off on my own. I'm perfectly fine with that. But too much of it feels meaningless. I'm not doing anything with it. And as much as I try to fill the gaps with hobbies and such, it feels like something is missing. Substance. Some sort of passion or drive. Writing and music is a passion and drive for me. But not a prominent one. So really, what do I have time for?
What it all boils down to is: What kind of change do I really need?
A relationship? Not likely. It would definitely be a change. But do I really need that? If I happened to get into one, I wouldn't settle for anything less than damn near perfect. I settled for less once, never again. I don't have time to deal with a constantly shitty relationship. What do I have time for again? (see how complexing this is?) It would be nice to wake up and feel like someone who I care about and likewise about me is at least looking forward to seeing me or hearing from me. A lot of my friends feel that. That feeling of knowing that someone wants you. Maybe even needs you. Something I haven't felt in years. I'm not talking from friends and family. Like a girlfriend or something. But I wouldn't want such a thing to consume me either like it does to some. Like I said, I need my personal space. I doubt a relationship is a change that is necessary to give me substance. In turn, I haven't been going out looking for one. I don't think I've been on a real date for almost 6 months. And that doesn't bother me particularly either. So this lame issue definitely isn't an incredible factor. Maybe a nice and new change, but not necessary.
New friends maybe? I doubt that a ton because the friends I have are some of the best people I know. Meeting new people is all well and good. But nothing can replace the trust and fun I have with my closest friends. Many of my older friends have long since faded out, and as time goes on, my friends now will fade out. To me, new friends and starting from scratch is out of the question. Not an issue.
Maybe I'm overthinking. And maybe some of this is stuff I shouldn't be worrying about right now. Maybe I'm doing nothing wrong. I admit, I still have an assload of growing up to do. But I do know I have come a long way from where I was 1 to 2 years ago. I used to crave attention. I think everyone does when you're in high school. I'm not perfect. I never will be. I'm not insecure thinking I don't know who I am. I'm perfectly secure and happy with I am. It's who I will be that has me worried. Will I be somebody? I'm not asking for fame, attention and extreme wealth. I'm asking for meaning. Direction.
And to be perfectly honest, I'm still happy right now. Maybe a little complexed and frightened of my future. But I've never felt so alive in a way. Just having adventures. Having trustworthy friends. Doing what you love most out of life and not caring what people think about you. I know a lot of people who are very busy people. They don't take enough time out for themselves. It's always one major thing to concentrate on. School. Work. Or even more pathetic, concentrating on getting married as soon as possible. But you start to see people like this talk to you in a condenscending arrogant way, or get so caught up in one thing that they become more of a rumor then an actual tangible person. In a way, I feel sorry for them. Maybe I shouldn't feel sorry for a person who has priorities where I haven't sorted mine out yet. It just doesn't seem like life was meant to be wasted on one thing that makes you feel like less of a person but more of a tool to your own irrational thoughts.
I know, I'm only 19 and meaning or direction isn't going to hit me immediately. I'm looking for it too. But I wonder if meaning is looking for me too. Maybe I'm looking too hard. It is in my experience that the harder you look or try for something, the more foolish you look. Like you when you lose the remote control and you look all over for it and you get so frustrated that you can't find it. Then on a day where you could give a rats ass where the remote is, you find it. And joy and balance is restored in your mind. (I actually don't watch a lot of tv, I just wanted to use that analogy.) But I'm hoping that as time goes on, more pieces of this puzzle called life will start to come together more and more rather than losing the pieces. Or jamming the right pieces in the wrong place at the wrong time. I know, it's a corny analogy, But I think a lot of you can relate to it.
I practically wrote a novel here. I'd be surprised if someone reads it all the way through and comments it. If you do, I commend you for your efforts and I appreciate you reading! :)
But yet, I can't help but feel like something needs to change. Does anyone else feel like they need change but have absolutely no idea what needs to change? And even if you knew what needed to be changed, would you be able to change it? Would you have the will power to do it? Would you be better off for doing so? What consequences would be involved? Do you have what it takes to make extraordinary things happen? Do you ever crave a sense of change like an addict craves their addiction?
Lately, I've been finding myself asking these questions to myself repeatedly. I feel like I need change so badly. There's nothing wrong with my social life. That doesn't need to change. I'm cool just chillin with good friends and doing whatever spontaneous shit pops into our heads. It always changes. I'm looking for change beyond my social life. I'm looking for change that could bring my life substance. Bring me some sense meaning. I don't feel meaningless per se. But I feel sometimes what I do with my life is. My job for example, is meaningless. If there was one thing I could change right now, it would instantly be my job. And I know how to change that, but yet luck/karma/outside forces(?) have clearly not been on my side in this endeavor. I have been trying to leave my job since September/early October. The interviews are already fixed, someone has already been chosen most of the time. I want a job that has meaning. Preferably in medicine. Something with more patient care. Something with responsibility. I would like to do something in music. But I want to move up and maybe gain some respect. Most I could do in music right now is work at a music store for jackshit wages. I'm trying to get into programs that will throw me into the pit of medical care but with little success. I want to go to med school and major in radiology. Once again, I find that I question myself. Do I have what it takes to do medicine? If not, then what? Am I smart enough? Do I have any useful talents? Am I just mediocre at everything I do? No, I'm not a pessimist. But it feels like I'm trapped. I'm starting to feel a little burnt out from all the lack of meaning. My future really does scare me in some aspects. There are some people who have the ambition, the motivation, the vision, and the drive to the point they have an idea of where they will be in 10 years. I'm notorious for living my life 2 hours at a time. I can't see myself in 10 years. I'll be 29. That's far away. Nearly my 3rd decade in life. Where will I be? Who will I be? Will I still have the same friends? Will I be married? Divorced? (I hope not with all my life) Will I be successful? Will I feel like I'm accomplishing something?
I suppose my overthinking goes hand in hand with how I've been acting lately. There are several people over the past 3 months who I have just pushed myself from completely. To the point where I don't talk to them anymore. A few I just pushed myself away to the point where we are just acquaintences. Generally, these people are still in high school. I don't know a ton of high school people who aren't dramatic, selfish, immature, whiny and fake. And of course, they are still in high school. There is a small handful of people who I know who are not like that. That's great. And not necessarily everyone I'm pushing away from aren't in that category. But I felt like it was time to move on from these people. All they brought was drama, broken hopes, and endless amounts of bitching. And personally, I don't have time to feel like that. I don't have time to deal with attention addicts who are going to fall on their asses after high school. I don't have time to give a shit about what some dramatic and fake16-17 year old girl thinks about me. I don't have the patience or the time to even think about stupid shit like that. There is some people who I would really rather not ever speak to again. Does this make me selfish, or am I doing what is necessary for both of us? Once again, not everyone is in that category. Not everyone did something to piss me off either. I just felt like I needed to move away from people I didn't know very well or could do without easy and likewise visa versa. But if I don't have time for that, What exactly do I have time for then? When given time, I don't do a whole hell of a lot with it. Sometimes I just sit on my ass and do nothing. Which isn't always bad. I'm a fairly private person sometimes. I need my alone time where I just do nothing and be off on my own. I'm perfectly fine with that. But too much of it feels meaningless. I'm not doing anything with it. And as much as I try to fill the gaps with hobbies and such, it feels like something is missing. Substance. Some sort of passion or drive. Writing and music is a passion and drive for me. But not a prominent one. So really, what do I have time for?
What it all boils down to is: What kind of change do I really need?
A relationship? Not likely. It would definitely be a change. But do I really need that? If I happened to get into one, I wouldn't settle for anything less than damn near perfect. I settled for less once, never again. I don't have time to deal with a constantly shitty relationship. What do I have time for again? (see how complexing this is?) It would be nice to wake up and feel like someone who I care about and likewise about me is at least looking forward to seeing me or hearing from me. A lot of my friends feel that. That feeling of knowing that someone wants you. Maybe even needs you. Something I haven't felt in years. I'm not talking from friends and family. Like a girlfriend or something. But I wouldn't want such a thing to consume me either like it does to some. Like I said, I need my personal space. I doubt a relationship is a change that is necessary to give me substance. In turn, I haven't been going out looking for one. I don't think I've been on a real date for almost 6 months. And that doesn't bother me particularly either. So this lame issue definitely isn't an incredible factor. Maybe a nice and new change, but not necessary.
New friends maybe? I doubt that a ton because the friends I have are some of the best people I know. Meeting new people is all well and good. But nothing can replace the trust and fun I have with my closest friends. Many of my older friends have long since faded out, and as time goes on, my friends now will fade out. To me, new friends and starting from scratch is out of the question. Not an issue.
Maybe I'm overthinking. And maybe some of this is stuff I shouldn't be worrying about right now. Maybe I'm doing nothing wrong. I admit, I still have an assload of growing up to do. But I do know I have come a long way from where I was 1 to 2 years ago. I used to crave attention. I think everyone does when you're in high school. I'm not perfect. I never will be. I'm not insecure thinking I don't know who I am. I'm perfectly secure and happy with I am. It's who I will be that has me worried. Will I be somebody? I'm not asking for fame, attention and extreme wealth. I'm asking for meaning. Direction.
And to be perfectly honest, I'm still happy right now. Maybe a little complexed and frightened of my future. But I've never felt so alive in a way. Just having adventures. Having trustworthy friends. Doing what you love most out of life and not caring what people think about you. I know a lot of people who are very busy people. They don't take enough time out for themselves. It's always one major thing to concentrate on. School. Work. Or even more pathetic, concentrating on getting married as soon as possible. But you start to see people like this talk to you in a condenscending arrogant way, or get so caught up in one thing that they become more of a rumor then an actual tangible person. In a way, I feel sorry for them. Maybe I shouldn't feel sorry for a person who has priorities where I haven't sorted mine out yet. It just doesn't seem like life was meant to be wasted on one thing that makes you feel like less of a person but more of a tool to your own irrational thoughts.
I know, I'm only 19 and meaning or direction isn't going to hit me immediately. I'm looking for it too. But I wonder if meaning is looking for me too. Maybe I'm looking too hard. It is in my experience that the harder you look or try for something, the more foolish you look. Like you when you lose the remote control and you look all over for it and you get so frustrated that you can't find it. Then on a day where you could give a rats ass where the remote is, you find it. And joy and balance is restored in your mind. (I actually don't watch a lot of tv, I just wanted to use that analogy.) But I'm hoping that as time goes on, more pieces of this puzzle called life will start to come together more and more rather than losing the pieces. Or jamming the right pieces in the wrong place at the wrong time. I know, it's a corny analogy, But I think a lot of you can relate to it.
I practically wrote a novel here. I'd be surprised if someone reads it all the way through and comments it. If you do, I commend you for your efforts and I appreciate you reading! :)
Saturday, April 15, 2006
One Year Ago and to the Present
(If you're reading this, then chances are, you are one of the 10 people that have subscribed to my blog. Thanks for reading. I appreciate it. And if you aren't subscribed, you should for shits and giggles. ha ha. Anyway, thanks again.)
Today was a beautiful day wasn't it? Clear skies for as far as you can see, with a warm wind. Flowers poppin out of the ground, kids running around playing, and enough birds flying about to make your work of washing your car completely pointless. And if you happen to have allergies like a good percentage of the world at this time of year (myself included) then you know that spring is certainly here. And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Well Johnny, what does this have to do with one year ago?"
Absolutely nothing! I just wanted to point out that spring is here finally. Winter blows with all its coldness and darkness and such. But I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I suppose I have had a lot of time to think. Do you ever think about where you were exactly one year ago from this date? You would be surprised how much has changed. I see all these blogs and bulletins talking about how different you were 5 years ago. Welll hell yeah you are going to be different from 5 years ago. 5 years ago, I wasn't even driving, and I was discovering that women aren't so bad. But I still refused to talk to them. It doesn't matter how old you are. 5 years is half a decade and a lot of shit is going to change. I think few people (particularly at this age) realize how far they have come along from one year ago.
For example: One year ago, I had a girlfriend. I may not have cared as much as I probably should have back then, but I sure had one. Not that many people knew anyway. One year ago, I was struggling to graduate because I can't do math. Everything was perfect except the fact that math has always been my weak spot and I needed it desperately to graduate. I was struggling doing problems I didn't/couldn't understand. One year ago, I wasn't talking to my friend of 11 years Kyle because our band had broken up and I didn't agree with why it did. I wasn't talking to Nate. Not that it matters now, I don't talk to him much anyway today. One year ago, I found out that I was going to Italy for sure. One year ago, I was somewhat happy with my job. One year ago, I felt very depressed and alone despite the good friends I had supporting me.
The list goes on.
But presently, pretty much everything is different. Some things didn't change. But I know that my state of mind has definitely changed. The way I percieve life has changed. To this day, I'm not struggling to graduate. I'm struggling to find a career that will help make me prosperous and happy. To this day, I hang out and talk to my friend Kyle . Presently, I hate my job more than anything I can think of. (math fights for a good tie) I'm not depressed. I'm generally happy with how my life is whether it is up or down. Yes, I'm still realistic but I don't believe I'm completely pessimistic. I'm not always looking for the bad in everything just to do it or thinking of the worst case scenario. Rather, I'm looking toward the future hoping that my days will only get better despite the responsibilities I will be taking on as time goes on. Usually if I'm being cynical it's usually to make a point or to say something of great smart ass proportions. But when I compare last year to this year, I know that I'm better off. The people I have met and hang out with help make my life worth while. The things I do make life better. It's just weird to think how far I have come since last year.
If you think about it yourself, you may realize how far you have came from one year ago. The things that are. The things that could have been. Maybe the things that should have been. You'd be surprised who you know now and who you don't know anymore. The obstacles you overcame. The memories you made. Life isn't a game. Life is a passion that many take for granted, few want to end it for themselves, and even fewer live like it could be their last.
Who knows where I'll be in a year. Frankly, I don't like to think that far ahead. I have trouble thinking more than 2 hours ahead. But thinking in terms of hope, I'll be 20 and hopefully close to getting my associates degree with hopefully a new job that I enjoy a little more. Hopefully, my life will still be as good as it is now. Hopefully, I will discover that not all girls are as souless as shoes from a second hand thrift store. Actually, I already know that. I just wanted to make an attempt at being witty.
Until next time muchachos/muchachas
Today was a beautiful day wasn't it? Clear skies for as far as you can see, with a warm wind. Flowers poppin out of the ground, kids running around playing, and enough birds flying about to make your work of washing your car completely pointless. And if you happen to have allergies like a good percentage of the world at this time of year (myself included) then you know that spring is certainly here. And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Well Johnny, what does this have to do with one year ago?"
Absolutely nothing! I just wanted to point out that spring is here finally. Winter blows with all its coldness and darkness and such. But I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I suppose I have had a lot of time to think. Do you ever think about where you were exactly one year ago from this date? You would be surprised how much has changed. I see all these blogs and bulletins talking about how different you were 5 years ago. Welll hell yeah you are going to be different from 5 years ago. 5 years ago, I wasn't even driving, and I was discovering that women aren't so bad. But I still refused to talk to them. It doesn't matter how old you are. 5 years is half a decade and a lot of shit is going to change. I think few people (particularly at this age) realize how far they have come along from one year ago.
For example: One year ago, I had a girlfriend. I may not have cared as much as I probably should have back then, but I sure had one. Not that many people knew anyway. One year ago, I was struggling to graduate because I can't do math. Everything was perfect except the fact that math has always been my weak spot and I needed it desperately to graduate. I was struggling doing problems I didn't/couldn't understand. One year ago, I wasn't talking to my friend of 11 years Kyle because our band had broken up and I didn't agree with why it did. I wasn't talking to Nate. Not that it matters now, I don't talk to him much anyway today. One year ago, I found out that I was going to Italy for sure. One year ago, I was somewhat happy with my job. One year ago, I felt very depressed and alone despite the good friends I had supporting me.
The list goes on.
But presently, pretty much everything is different. Some things didn't change. But I know that my state of mind has definitely changed. The way I percieve life has changed. To this day, I'm not struggling to graduate. I'm struggling to find a career that will help make me prosperous and happy. To this day, I hang out and talk to my friend Kyle . Presently, I hate my job more than anything I can think of. (math fights for a good tie) I'm not depressed. I'm generally happy with how my life is whether it is up or down. Yes, I'm still realistic but I don't believe I'm completely pessimistic. I'm not always looking for the bad in everything just to do it or thinking of the worst case scenario. Rather, I'm looking toward the future hoping that my days will only get better despite the responsibilities I will be taking on as time goes on. Usually if I'm being cynical it's usually to make a point or to say something of great smart ass proportions. But when I compare last year to this year, I know that I'm better off. The people I have met and hang out with help make my life worth while. The things I do make life better. It's just weird to think how far I have come since last year.
If you think about it yourself, you may realize how far you have came from one year ago. The things that are. The things that could have been. Maybe the things that should have been. You'd be surprised who you know now and who you don't know anymore. The obstacles you overcame. The memories you made. Life isn't a game. Life is a passion that many take for granted, few want to end it for themselves, and even fewer live like it could be their last.
Who knows where I'll be in a year. Frankly, I don't like to think that far ahead. I have trouble thinking more than 2 hours ahead. But thinking in terms of hope, I'll be 20 and hopefully close to getting my associates degree with hopefully a new job that I enjoy a little more. Hopefully, my life will still be as good as it is now. Hopefully, I will discover that not all girls are as souless as shoes from a second hand thrift store. Actually, I already know that. I just wanted to make an attempt at being witty.
Until next time muchachos/muchachas
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