The semester is almost over finally. Only about 2 weeks left and I'm free until August. No way in hell I'm going to school over the summer. I need to build some money first. I'm just barely getting out of debt and it feels good. The trick will be to stay out of debt and at the same time still save money for next fall semester. But that's not really an issue. I'm still feeling a sense of personal happiness.
But yet, I can't help but feel like something needs to change. Does anyone else feel like they need change but have absolutely no idea what needs to change? And even if you knew what needed to be changed, would you be able to change it? Would you have the will power to do it? Would you be better off for doing so? What consequences would be involved? Do you have what it takes to make extraordinary things happen? Do you ever crave a sense of change like an addict craves their addiction?
Lately, I've been finding myself asking these questions to myself repeatedly. I feel like I need change so badly. There's nothing wrong with my social life. That doesn't need to change. I'm cool just chillin with good friends and doing whatever spontaneous shit pops into our heads. It always changes. I'm looking for change beyond my social life. I'm looking for change that could bring my life substance. Bring me some sense meaning. I don't feel meaningless per se. But I feel sometimes what I do with my life is. My job for example, is meaningless. If there was one thing I could change right now, it would instantly be my job. And I know how to change that, but yet luck/karma/outside forces(?) have clearly not been on my side in this endeavor. I have been trying to leave my job since September/early October. The interviews are already fixed, someone has already been chosen most of the time. I want a job that has meaning. Preferably in medicine. Something with more patient care. Something with responsibility. I would like to do something in music. But I want to move up and maybe gain some respect. Most I could do in music right now is work at a music store for jackshit wages. I'm trying to get into programs that will throw me into the pit of medical care but with little success. I want to go to med school and major in radiology. Once again, I find that I question myself. Do I have what it takes to do medicine? If not, then what? Am I smart enough? Do I have any useful talents? Am I just mediocre at everything I do? No, I'm not a pessimist. But it feels like I'm trapped. I'm starting to feel a little burnt out from all the lack of meaning. My future really does scare me in some aspects. There are some people who have the ambition, the motivation, the vision, and the drive to the point they have an idea of where they will be in 10 years. I'm notorious for living my life 2 hours at a time. I can't see myself in 10 years. I'll be 29. That's far away. Nearly my 3rd decade in life. Where will I be? Who will I be? Will I still have the same friends? Will I be married? Divorced? (I hope not with all my life) Will I be successful? Will I feel like I'm accomplishing something?
I suppose my overthinking goes hand in hand with how I've been acting lately. There are several people over the past 3 months who I have just pushed myself from completely. To the point where I don't talk to them anymore. A few I just pushed myself away to the point where we are just acquaintences. Generally, these people are still in high school. I don't know a ton of high school people who aren't dramatic, selfish, immature, whiny and fake. And of course, they are still in high school. There is a small handful of people who I know who are not like that. That's great. And not necessarily everyone I'm pushing away from aren't in that category. But I felt like it was time to move on from these people. All they brought was drama, broken hopes, and endless amounts of bitching. And personally, I don't have time to feel like that. I don't have time to deal with attention addicts who are going to fall on their asses after high school. I don't have time to give a shit about what some dramatic and fake16-17 year old girl thinks about me. I don't have the patience or the time to even think about stupid shit like that. There is some people who I would really rather not ever speak to again. Does this make me selfish, or am I doing what is necessary for both of us? Once again, not everyone is in that category. Not everyone did something to piss me off either. I just felt like I needed to move away from people I didn't know very well or could do without easy and likewise visa versa. But if I don't have time for that, What exactly do I have time for then? When given time, I don't do a whole hell of a lot with it. Sometimes I just sit on my ass and do nothing. Which isn't always bad. I'm a fairly private person sometimes. I need my alone time where I just do nothing and be off on my own. I'm perfectly fine with that. But too much of it feels meaningless. I'm not doing anything with it. And as much as I try to fill the gaps with hobbies and such, it feels like something is missing. Substance. Some sort of passion or drive. Writing and music is a passion and drive for me. But not a prominent one. So really, what do I have time for?
What it all boils down to is: What kind of change do I really need?
A relationship? Not likely. It would definitely be a change. But do I really need that? If I happened to get into one, I wouldn't settle for anything less than damn near perfect. I settled for less once, never again. I don't have time to deal with a constantly shitty relationship. What do I have time for again? (see how complexing this is?) It would be nice to wake up and feel like someone who I care about and likewise about me is at least looking forward to seeing me or hearing from me. A lot of my friends feel that. That feeling of knowing that someone wants you. Maybe even needs you. Something I haven't felt in years. I'm not talking from friends and family. Like a girlfriend or something. But I wouldn't want such a thing to consume me either like it does to some. Like I said, I need my personal space. I doubt a relationship is a change that is necessary to give me substance. In turn, I haven't been going out looking for one. I don't think I've been on a real date for almost 6 months. And that doesn't bother me particularly either. So this lame issue definitely isn't an incredible factor. Maybe a nice and new change, but not necessary.
New friends maybe? I doubt that a ton because the friends I have are some of the best people I know. Meeting new people is all well and good. But nothing can replace the trust and fun I have with my closest friends. Many of my older friends have long since faded out, and as time goes on, my friends now will fade out. To me, new friends and starting from scratch is out of the question. Not an issue.
Maybe I'm overthinking. And maybe some of this is stuff I shouldn't be worrying about right now. Maybe I'm doing nothing wrong. I admit, I still have an assload of growing up to do. But I do know I have come a long way from where I was 1 to 2 years ago. I used to crave attention. I think everyone does when you're in high school. I'm not perfect. I never will be. I'm not insecure thinking I don't know who I am. I'm perfectly secure and happy with I am. It's who I will be that has me worried. Will I be somebody? I'm not asking for fame, attention and extreme wealth. I'm asking for meaning. Direction.
And to be perfectly honest, I'm still happy right now. Maybe a little complexed and frightened of my future. But I've never felt so alive in a way. Just having adventures. Having trustworthy friends. Doing what you love most out of life and not caring what people think about you. I know a lot of people who are very busy people. They don't take enough time out for themselves. It's always one major thing to concentrate on. School. Work. Or even more pathetic, concentrating on getting married as soon as possible. But you start to see people like this talk to you in a condenscending arrogant way, or get so caught up in one thing that they become more of a rumor then an actual tangible person. In a way, I feel sorry for them. Maybe I shouldn't feel sorry for a person who has priorities where I haven't sorted mine out yet. It just doesn't seem like life was meant to be wasted on one thing that makes you feel like less of a person but more of a tool to your own irrational thoughts.
I know, I'm only 19 and meaning or direction isn't going to hit me immediately. I'm looking for it too. But I wonder if meaning is looking for me too. Maybe I'm looking too hard. It is in my experience that the harder you look or try for something, the more foolish you look. Like you when you lose the remote control and you look all over for it and you get so frustrated that you can't find it. Then on a day where you could give a rats ass where the remote is, you find it. And joy and balance is restored in your mind. (I actually don't watch a lot of tv, I just wanted to use that analogy.) But I'm hoping that as time goes on, more pieces of this puzzle called life will start to come together more and more rather than losing the pieces. Or jamming the right pieces in the wrong place at the wrong time. I know, it's a corny analogy, But I think a lot of you can relate to it.
I practically wrote a novel here. I'd be surprised if someone reads it all the way through and comments it. If you do, I commend you for your efforts and I appreciate you reading! :)
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