Yet another adventure is being presented to you. It's pretty crazy so you won't be disappointed.
It was myself, Matt, Lincoln and this guy Brendon I didn't know. We decided that we should light coffee creamer. Now for those of you who don't know this, coffee creamer is incredibly flammable and explosive. No bullshit. It has to be poured onto a lighter from a high place in order for it to work because if its in a pile it doesn't work. So anyway, we get the coffee creamer and they wanted to do it behind a Smith's. I was like fuck that! I'll go to jail and get cornhole raped. Despite my objections, they were going to do it anyway. Luckily there was someone in the parking lot watching so we couldn't do it. So we decided we should go to this church pavillion thing. After several unsuccessful attempts we finally got a good explosion out of one. We all frantically ran to Lincoln's car and sped out of the parking lot. The whole time there was a guy at the church watching us. Lincoln drive like 75 mph out of that place as the guy tried to futily chase after us on foot. After our great escape, that Brendon kid realized he forgot his wallet and cell phone at the place we just were. So we turned around and parked nearby while Lincoln and Brendon ran back for his stuff. It seemed like hours they were gone when it was like 2 minutes. I had to be home at 11:30 because my parents suck ass. So I was like fuck this dude. I bet we get busted I'm walking back to your house Matt. After a complicated explanation of how to get to his house I was thoroughly confused. But I decided I should take my chances and walk. I had no desire to get hateraped in jail. So I got out of the car and began to make my way to Matt's house. And of course the first thing I do when I make my journey there is take a wrong turn to a street thats just a U turn back to where I just was. As I realized this, a fairly large dog hurtled after me at blinding speeds. I turned around and ran my pansy ass away. The dog nipped away at my heels. I thought he was going to get a piece of my leg and it would be all over from there. But somehow in my frantic running I managed to kick the dog in the face. The dog skulked back with it's tail in between its legs. Victory was had! It then occurred to me that I was incredibly lost and that I had to navigate my way back to Matt's by my wits. Plus I still had my hat on. I took it off knowing that if that guy was around he would remember the kid with the hat on. I stuffed it in my pocket and made my way casually down the street as if I were part of the neighborhood. I turned down all kinds of random streets trying to guess where Matt's house would logically be from my location. I then called my friend Jeff for a ride who happened to be all the way in Midvale while I was in Draper. But I had to keep moving so I would not be easy to spot. As time went on I saw the guy who had chased after us earlier in the sidewalks walking. I was hoping with everything that he didn't get a good enough look at me. I walked by casually and he said "good evening" with a smile as I walked by. In which I did the same thing. I was still alive! I made my way to a street where some kids were sitting outside on the lawn chatting and what not. They were not too shy to talk to me. Before I knew it, I was being hit on by what were obvious middle school girls who were pretending to be 18. And I met a kid with the same name as me! It was crazy. After an unconvincing story of how old they were, they admitted that they were in 9th grade. I wouldn't have gave them much credit. I would have guessed 8th grade at the oldest. But they talked to me until Jeff made it to my house. In which he got out of his car and blurted "HI!" as loud as he could. I said my goodbyes to the kids and got in the car. Little did they know that they were just an accessory to my great escape from a night of hateraping in jail. As it turns out I was less than 20 feet from Matt's house from where I was. By which Jeff was annoyed that he drove all the way from Midvale to drive me less than a block to safety. What a friend huh? Upon my arrival, Matt begailed me of the story I was not there to hear. Lincoln and Brendon successfully got his stuff from the place. But they got chased again by the guy. They ran like hell to safety and they were off! Everyone made it back safely. And that is my adventure with the coffee creamer. I hope you were just as impressed as myself.
As a side note to this story, I would like to say thank you to all the people who have been there for me through my shitty messes with girls and such. All of you have made a difference whether you know it or not. But yeah. anyway that is my story. Have a wonderful morning/day/night. Whenever you read this.
Saturday, July 9, 2005
Friday, July 1, 2005
My Adventures in California!!!!
Well then, I have been gone for about 3 weeks and they have been the best three weeks that I can remember in a long time. I was on constant vacation. This is my story
A few days after I graduated I was on a mission to convince my parents that I should go on a road trip with my close friends, Brennon, Jeff and RJ to California for 5 days. I had already asked them about it before and they shot that idea down like it was nothin. A couple of days before the trip me and my amigos cornered my parents and presented our case of why I should go. It was mostly just Brennon rambling on to my parents and Jeff just standing there nodding his head. Somehow though, it worked and my parents said yes with much regret. So we headed on our way out at 10 at night the next day. The trip was filled with various conversations of insults, homoerotic humor, loud and childish obnoxious behavior. It was great. The original plan was to drive to St. George and just sleep somewhere desolate. But we were all much to awake and excited to sleep. So we drove straight through. But we took a detour in Las Vegas since Brennon had not seen it before. We drove through the city and Brennon was not only tired but he was outrageously paranoid in his tired stupor. At a stoplight a black guy came out of a casino casually and Brennon rolled up his window as fast as the electric window would permit. I was just like dude what the fuck was that? He was just walking out. He wasn't going to come out and mug us with 4 guys in the car. Needless to say we are in the middle of traffic. He's like yeah I know. But you never know. And Jeff is like are you afraid of black people? And Brennon starts to freak out. He's like shut the fuck up. Don't say that out loud. You'll get us killed! It was obvious that Brennon was quite out of it and could probably pass as a paranoid meth addict if we were to be pulled over. So after that we got back on the freeway and made our way to California. We stopped in Hollywood only to learn that it's just as boring any other small city with nothing to offer. However, we did see Universal Studios. We thought it was the actual studios not the theme park. We thought that was in Florida. We all had bright hopes of breaking in and trying out for various movie parts to start on our road to fame, and unlimited sex. But it was actually the theme park. With our hopes crushed we toured through the parking lot briefly and got back on our way. After many long hours with very little sleep we made it to our destination of Ventura. It's a small little town 45 miles out of LA. And I would like to say that LA is more trashy than I possibly could have imagined. There was graffiti everywhere and the drivers are fuckin maniacs. I thought I was going to die at least 4 times. But anyway, we made it to our hotel. Which happened to be a Marriot that we got for a great price because Brennon's uncle works for the company. Our hotel was nice. It was within walkin distance of the beach. Not that it mattered. It was significantly cooler weather where we were than anywhere else in the state. There was virtually no sunlight the whole 3 days we were in Ventura. We spent that day sitting in our hotel and chasing hermit crabs with sticks on beach rocks. The next day we headed to six flags. Brennon had some dumbass idea of buying a season pass there because it was like 5 bucks cheaper than the 2 day pass we were getting. We all gave him so much shit. He was getting pretty pissed off about it. It was the cheapest season pass because it offered the least. So it was obviously a scam for ignorant white people like Brennon. Finally realizing the utter futility of buying a season pass he spent the extra five bucks and got the same 2 day pass. The rollercoasters were so awesome! I don't have motion sickness so I was able to ride every single one of them. I wish I could say the same for Jeff and RJ. They got so sick on the Batman rollercoaster. At the very end of it RJ threw up all over the ride. I heard him do it but I didn't think he actually did. I turned my head to find him and much of that side of the ride to be covered in vomit. I was Oh shit thats nasty! If you got any of that on me I'll kill you. The people to get on the ride next all threw in their own comments. The most popular one being "EWWWWWW!" As I walked off the ride I saw Jeff sitting there silent. I patted him on the shoulder and asked if he was alright. He just lifted up is finger to say hold on a second. he turned around and puked off the balcony of the ride exit calmly. RJ then ran up next to him and joined him in the vomitting spree. It was non homo erotic male bonding at its best. This put RJ and Jeff out of action for pretty much the whole day while me and Brennon enjoyed all the kick ass rides the theme park had to offer. The next day we went back to the water park which was much less exciting. I'm not a big fan of water parks. So laid out in the sun most of the time and got a fake tattoo. Later that night we went to Santa Barbara to check out the California night life. That place was fuckin rad..... It would have been better if we were 21. Most of the cool places were for 21 and older. We got lost in a ghetto back alley there. It scared the shit out of all of us. Rj and Brennon got in a huge ass fight because of it. Every sentence contained "Fuck you, Shut the fuck up" Brennon pulled over briefly and said get out of the car. It didnt really make any sense to try to make him get out of the car. We couldn't just leave him behind. But after 5 minutes they apologized and the world went back to normal. The next day I came down with a really bad cold from Brennon. I felt like shit. We drove out to San Diego in hopes to go to Mexico and buy a bunch of bootlegged cheap shit and hit a few beaches where hot women may be. We went to Mexico the second we got to San Diego. And of course the second we got to Mexico RJ decided he had to take a massive shit. And what better place to take a shit than a Mexican bar where there is a hole in the ground for a toilet. RJ massacred that bathroom with his poo. He totally made a mess of the place. And as a result he had to buy a beer because at the last minute the Mexican guys decided the bathroom is for paying customers only. So rather than get cornhole raped in a Mexican jail RJ paid the 2 bucks for a beer and we were on our way to buy cheap shit. RJ bought a guitar, Brennon bought some stuff in which I can't remember and Jeff bought a really large ceramic pelican for his mom and a victory stogey for me. I made him a bet earlier in the year and the payment included a stogey. So he bought he a really large stogey and I was happy. I haven't smoked it though. I didn't buy anything. I felt worse and worse the more I walked in the Mexican heat. All I wanted to buy was a switchblade or a stelleto knife. But I was afraid I wouldn't be able to sneak it back across customs. I collapsed in the car. By this time I was so incredibly sick. I was would be asleep for most of the trip after this. We drove to a smaller city to stay with my aunt. I was asleep the whole way feeling like shit. The other guys made various stops to a beach and some food place. When we reached my aunts city. I apparently awoke from my sleep. I don't remember much of this. But I had broken out in an incredibly high fever and started saying really stupid shit that I don't remember. The guys begailed me with stories of crazy shit that I said. I'm not sure if all of it is true. We made it to my aunts apartment where I slept till the next day. The next day we packed up our crap and left back home. I don't remember much of the trip back other than it was hot, the road was bumpy and there was a lot of witty comments. I was still pretty sick then. And that concludes the story of my trip to California through the eyes of me. Keep in mind that I may have left a boring day out. These were just the highlights. I don't think I told the tale of all 5 days.
A few days after I graduated I was on a mission to convince my parents that I should go on a road trip with my close friends, Brennon, Jeff and RJ to California for 5 days. I had already asked them about it before and they shot that idea down like it was nothin. A couple of days before the trip me and my amigos cornered my parents and presented our case of why I should go. It was mostly just Brennon rambling on to my parents and Jeff just standing there nodding his head. Somehow though, it worked and my parents said yes with much regret. So we headed on our way out at 10 at night the next day. The trip was filled with various conversations of insults, homoerotic humor, loud and childish obnoxious behavior. It was great. The original plan was to drive to St. George and just sleep somewhere desolate. But we were all much to awake and excited to sleep. So we drove straight through. But we took a detour in Las Vegas since Brennon had not seen it before. We drove through the city and Brennon was not only tired but he was outrageously paranoid in his tired stupor. At a stoplight a black guy came out of a casino casually and Brennon rolled up his window as fast as the electric window would permit. I was just like dude what the fuck was that? He was just walking out. He wasn't going to come out and mug us with 4 guys in the car. Needless to say we are in the middle of traffic. He's like yeah I know. But you never know. And Jeff is like are you afraid of black people? And Brennon starts to freak out. He's like shut the fuck up. Don't say that out loud. You'll get us killed! It was obvious that Brennon was quite out of it and could probably pass as a paranoid meth addict if we were to be pulled over. So after that we got back on the freeway and made our way to California. We stopped in Hollywood only to learn that it's just as boring any other small city with nothing to offer. However, we did see Universal Studios. We thought it was the actual studios not the theme park. We thought that was in Florida. We all had bright hopes of breaking in and trying out for various movie parts to start on our road to fame, and unlimited sex. But it was actually the theme park. With our hopes crushed we toured through the parking lot briefly and got back on our way. After many long hours with very little sleep we made it to our destination of Ventura. It's a small little town 45 miles out of LA. And I would like to say that LA is more trashy than I possibly could have imagined. There was graffiti everywhere and the drivers are fuckin maniacs. I thought I was going to die at least 4 times. But anyway, we made it to our hotel. Which happened to be a Marriot that we got for a great price because Brennon's uncle works for the company. Our hotel was nice. It was within walkin distance of the beach. Not that it mattered. It was significantly cooler weather where we were than anywhere else in the state. There was virtually no sunlight the whole 3 days we were in Ventura. We spent that day sitting in our hotel and chasing hermit crabs with sticks on beach rocks. The next day we headed to six flags. Brennon had some dumbass idea of buying a season pass there because it was like 5 bucks cheaper than the 2 day pass we were getting. We all gave him so much shit. He was getting pretty pissed off about it. It was the cheapest season pass because it offered the least. So it was obviously a scam for ignorant white people like Brennon. Finally realizing the utter futility of buying a season pass he spent the extra five bucks and got the same 2 day pass. The rollercoasters were so awesome! I don't have motion sickness so I was able to ride every single one of them. I wish I could say the same for Jeff and RJ. They got so sick on the Batman rollercoaster. At the very end of it RJ threw up all over the ride. I heard him do it but I didn't think he actually did. I turned my head to find him and much of that side of the ride to be covered in vomit. I was Oh shit thats nasty! If you got any of that on me I'll kill you. The people to get on the ride next all threw in their own comments. The most popular one being "EWWWWWW!" As I walked off the ride I saw Jeff sitting there silent. I patted him on the shoulder and asked if he was alright. He just lifted up is finger to say hold on a second. he turned around and puked off the balcony of the ride exit calmly. RJ then ran up next to him and joined him in the vomitting spree. It was non homo erotic male bonding at its best. This put RJ and Jeff out of action for pretty much the whole day while me and Brennon enjoyed all the kick ass rides the theme park had to offer. The next day we went back to the water park which was much less exciting. I'm not a big fan of water parks. So laid out in the sun most of the time and got a fake tattoo. Later that night we went to Santa Barbara to check out the California night life. That place was fuckin rad..... It would have been better if we were 21. Most of the cool places were for 21 and older. We got lost in a ghetto back alley there. It scared the shit out of all of us. Rj and Brennon got in a huge ass fight because of it. Every sentence contained "Fuck you, Shut the fuck up" Brennon pulled over briefly and said get out of the car. It didnt really make any sense to try to make him get out of the car. We couldn't just leave him behind. But after 5 minutes they apologized and the world went back to normal. The next day I came down with a really bad cold from Brennon. I felt like shit. We drove out to San Diego in hopes to go to Mexico and buy a bunch of bootlegged cheap shit and hit a few beaches where hot women may be. We went to Mexico the second we got to San Diego. And of course the second we got to Mexico RJ decided he had to take a massive shit. And what better place to take a shit than a Mexican bar where there is a hole in the ground for a toilet. RJ massacred that bathroom with his poo. He totally made a mess of the place. And as a result he had to buy a beer because at the last minute the Mexican guys decided the bathroom is for paying customers only. So rather than get cornhole raped in a Mexican jail RJ paid the 2 bucks for a beer and we were on our way to buy cheap shit. RJ bought a guitar, Brennon bought some stuff in which I can't remember and Jeff bought a really large ceramic pelican for his mom and a victory stogey for me. I made him a bet earlier in the year and the payment included a stogey. So he bought he a really large stogey and I was happy. I haven't smoked it though. I didn't buy anything. I felt worse and worse the more I walked in the Mexican heat. All I wanted to buy was a switchblade or a stelleto knife. But I was afraid I wouldn't be able to sneak it back across customs. I collapsed in the car. By this time I was so incredibly sick. I was would be asleep for most of the trip after this. We drove to a smaller city to stay with my aunt. I was asleep the whole way feeling like shit. The other guys made various stops to a beach and some food place. When we reached my aunts city. I apparently awoke from my sleep. I don't remember much of this. But I had broken out in an incredibly high fever and started saying really stupid shit that I don't remember. The guys begailed me with stories of crazy shit that I said. I'm not sure if all of it is true. We made it to my aunts apartment where I slept till the next day. The next day we packed up our crap and left back home. I don't remember much of the trip back other than it was hot, the road was bumpy and there was a lot of witty comments. I was still pretty sick then. And that concludes the story of my trip to California through the eyes of me. Keep in mind that I may have left a boring day out. These were just the highlights. I don't think I told the tale of all 5 days.
My Adventures in Italy
About 18 hours after I got home from California. I packed up and flew out to Italy. The flight was long beyond all logical reason. 4 hours to Cincinatti then another 10 to Rome International. It sucked very badly. I was kind of worried about this trip. I didn't know anybody very well on the tour. They all went to my school but I didn't know any of them. I can be really shy around people I don't know. Rome is an incredible place. But it's like, Mexico, LA, and Las Vegas all rolled up into one city. Crazy ass drivers, Graffiti everywhere, Anti war posts everywhere and tons of hobos and gypsies out to steal your money. I checked into my 3 star hotel and met the other guys who I would be rooming with on the tour. The room was very small. In Europe they have something in bathrooms called a Bidet. It's basically something that squirts into your butt while you wipe with your finger. They don't use toilet paper there. I then dubbed this foreign butt cleaner "the ass fountain." Luckily the hotels has toilet paper anyway for foreign travelers. We immediately began our tour of Rome. There was a lot of kick ass places to go like the Colessium, the catacombs, St mary's church, tons of ancient roman ruins, the vatican, the sistine chaple. I saw all this stuff that I normally see in textbooks. It may look boring in the books but it's way cool in person. So we toured Rome for 2 days and after that we were off again. This time to Sorrento. Sorrento to me was my ideal paradise. The most beautiful city I have been to. It's this coastal city that sits off the Mediterrenian Sea. The sea is clear and full of life. The people were nice, the food was kick ass, except in the hotel we stayed out. The food kind of sucked there. Off the coast of Sorrento is an island called Capri. Which was just as beautiful and kick ass as Sorrento. While I was in Sorrento I bought a really cheasy pair of aviator glasses for 5 euros after bargaining. They mark the only souvenir I bought for myself since most of the items there were aimed towards women and ridiculously rich people. After a couple of days there the tour moved to Florence. Florence was pretty cool because there was tons of history there. We saw tons of famous churches on the way there, Michaelangelo's David statue and all kinds stuff you only get to see in textbooks. By this point in the trip I knew who everyone was. But I didn't really fit in with anyone. I was kind of this outsider guy. It was getting old that I was getting patronized by a lot of the people. I didn't want pity. It was starting to bum me out. After 3 days in Florence we went to our final destination of Venice. Venice was Awesome. It was infested with diseases with wings, otherwise known as pigeons. I would have payed a lot of money to close down the island so that me and my friends could wipe them out with guns and what not. It was seriously so disgusting how much bird shit there was. And they are trying to get rid of these rats with wings by any means. I would glady volunteer my services for it. Venice was pretty cool. It was a pretty easy going town with a lot to offer. But we were only there for one day and we headed on our way back home. The trip back home was an absolute disaster. The plane that was supposed to pick us up was 2 hours late and when we did get on the plane we had to wait half an hour just to take off because the airport was so disorganized. 10 hours later I reached JFK Internation in New York. We had missed our flight by an hour because of the lateness of our plane. So we were stuck 2 floors underground for 4 hours while the airport tried to find us a flight home. It looked like some of us werent going home that night. only a few would get to board a plane and the rest stay behind for the night. But at the last moment they found a plane to Las Vegas to stick us all on. We all ran to the plane and made it. Except for Mrs. Hardy the lady who had taken us to Italy. She stayed behind so a girl from the tour didnt have to. Everyone felt pretty bad about it. We journeyed 5 hours to Vegas in a pretty cool plane where there was personal tv's and games for everyone with satellite cable tv. After we made it at 1 in the morning we had to attempt to sleep on the floor of the airport for 6 hours until our plane to SLC arrived. I couldn't sleep. The entire trip I had an hour and a half of sleep. So when I did get home I was surprisingly not tired. By Italian time I had been awake for more than 32 hours. I stayed a full Italian 48 hours by the end of the day I got home. Anyway that's just a SUMMARY of my trip to Italy. So much happened I can't possibly take the time to write it on here. All the stories have like stories inside of stories. There's so much to tell. So if youre really curious, ask me sometime, I have plenty of cool stories of my adventure. so yeah.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)