My Adventures in Idaho and Other Random Crap

So I'm sure many of you heard about my general exictement about going to Idaho and camping over the Memorial weekend. It's a family tradition and I do it every year. I paintball, fourwheel, shoot guns, sit by a fire, fish.....everything! This year was different. I got sick on the way up with a nasty cold. It was cold and miserable to the point where it snowed on us and the four wheelers were deep in the mud. My van got stuck in the mud. My uncles 2006 Ford turbo deisel got stuck in the mud up to the door handle. It took 4 other turbo deisel trucks to pull him out. but in the process got 2 others stuck. Long story. I needed a break and I got screwed. I even got turned down for that job I wanted. I was 2nd place runner for the anesthesia tech job at the university hospital. I got offered a job at the other 2 but I turned them down since they were jobs I would instantly hate. I hate my current job as it is. Why get out to hate another job, maybe even more than I do now?
But stay tuned, I'm going to attempt to be witty here in a moment.
Idaho is an odd state. I drove my bus the whole way up. It was actually fun to do. But people in big trucks have some sort of weird complex with being passed by a  VW bus. I was behind this trucker for a good 40 miles. Everytime I tried to pass him, he would suddenly speed up obviously knowing I couldn't keep up. I would have no choice but to pull behind him and let the other cars pass on the 2 lane Idaho freeway. Then he would slow way down and I would be riding his ass. So I would go to pass him and that prick would speed up again! I could almost imagine his thoughts
"No liberal-ass gun hating hippy is passing me!"
He eventually pulled off onto an exit and as I passed him he flipped me off and smiled. Sad thing is, on the way back home, some ass towing a trailer did about the same thing. I would go to pass him and he would speed up. This time though, I won. This lasted for about 20 minutes. The guy had the typical cowboy hat, big truck, handlebar mustache and some wife that might have been attractive back in the 70's. She seemed to plead with him at one point just to let me pass him because she was pointing at my bus yelling at him and he was just calmly waving her off. Finally my chance came to pass him up and give him the glaring of a lifetime! After going uphill behind this jackass, I knew there was going to be a downhill afterwards. That was my chance to pull ahead. The freeway was narrowing down to one lane. The top of the hill came and I downshifted and pushed my van hard. I raced downhill at speeds my van has never seen before: The speed limit! I reached 75 miles an hour and pulled ahead. I gave him a dirty look and shook my head, followed by rolling my eyes. The wife turned and glared at the husband and seemed to yell at him more. I not only passed him, but the 2 cars in front of him and cut them off like a circumcising rabi so I could get into the other lane. My ego was full and I couldn't have been more pleased with how that went. I discovered that it's socially unacceptable to drive a bus in Idaho or anything that is not a truck of some kind. You should have seen all the people in Idaho gawk at my van like I should be put out of my misery.
Lets not forget my trip to the grocery store in Idaho. I stopped at my grandmas house since I hadn't showered in 4 days to clean up and what not. I was fairly muddy and I smelled like an open fire. The second I walked in my grandma is like "John, I need butter, will you be a sweety and by some butter from the grocery store." So I turned around and walked back the 3 feet from wence I came and drove to the store. I grabbed the butter and hit the express check. In front of me in line was a very obese older couple just standing there with just about every condiment known to man being held in their stubby arms. If dirt was a condiment, they probably would have bought that too. The line moved forward and some guy flat tired me. I turned around quickly to see who it was and sent a whiff of the campfire smell from my jacket into the air. The couple in front of me immediately remarked.
"What smells like a nice smoked ham?" said the lady
"Ham? Smells more like roast smoked turkey to me." argued the man.
"Ooo that sounds so good right now. A nice buttered ham with gravy," the obese lady fanticized.
"Where in the hell is that smell coming from? It's making me hungry. Maybe I can pick one up." suggested the male obesity statistic.
They both turned around and finally became aware of my existence for the first time since we had been standing there. They looked down at me with their eyes narrowed.
"Son, is that you that smells like a delicious roast turkey?" asked the male creature.
I didn't know what to say to that. I've never been called a delcious roast turkey before just because I smelt like a campfire.
"Um, I guess so," I replied meekly
By this point they were at the register purchasing their condiment needs for eating spam and to presumably watch the NASCAR preseason. Maybe even catching the next pay-per view wrestling program on TV.
"Ooo you got butter?! I could just butter you up and eat you alive because you smell so gosh darn good," giggled the lady.
Did I just get threatened to be eaten alive by another human being? A piece of me was saying: You need to get the hell out of the store before you get thrown in an itchy potato sack and end up over a blazing fire slathered in the butter you just purchased. Another piece was saying: These creepy fat people are kind of cool...........But don't joke around too much, they may just eat you anyway. I finally reached the register and was paying for the butter. This should have been the time the couple in front left the line and went on with their lives. But no. They stood their and waited for me while making more comments.
"So how did you get to be smelling so darn good, son? The ladies must love ya," said the man. I didn't detect a hint of humor in his voice that time.
"I was just camping on the Montana border. I was just by an oper fire a lot I guess," I replied flatly
"Oh yeah? I've been camping many a times and I've never smelt as good as that. I would just butter you up and eat ya if you were my son," said the lady with a smile.
I kind of giggled and made my way towards the door and said bye. I've been threatened to be eaten by that lady twice. The man seemed to be hint more in a straight forward way. I know they meant well with what appeared to be an Idaho sense of humor, but the thought of being eaten after a bad camping trip didn't seem so pleasant. I wondered if they had kids and one spilt barbeque sauce on themsevles and the parents ate him because he smelt so darn good. Besides that would be an awful waste of barbeque sauce.  That goes down in my list of "Top 20 Most Awkward Moments." 12th place seems about right for that one.
Moving on...........
Idaho has a really weird coordinate system too. It clearly shows that Idaho's public education system has dismally failed the state at large. It's relatively simple but really reflects poorly on the spent tax dollars and intelligence of the Idaho people. They have 3 major main streets where I was at. There is the numbered streets that go from 1st street to I think 24th straight. Pretty simple. The main road is an attempt to alphabetize the roads. First street, A street. So far soo good. Next, B street. I think I'm seeing a pattern here. Next street, Constitution street. What the hell happened to C street?! I looked around to see if maybe there was some sort of patriotic monument nearby. Closest thing to patriotic was ironically the donut shop across the street with a shitload of cop cars in front of it. The stoplights were all with in 10 feet of each other for about 2 miles. It was pointless to even accelerate to the next light because it would be red by the time the 5 seconds was up. It would almost be faster to be paralyzed in a slow outdated electric wheelchair and just take the sidewalks. I went to the next light. Ah, there's C street. Was the Constitution street an attempt to patriotically alphabetize names? Wouldn't it be interesting to see something as useless as this?
A street
American street
B street
Beuracracy street
C street
Constitution street
D street
Democracy street
E street
Economy street
etc
Whatever it was, it threw me off. So I continued the next 10 feet to D street. Good. E street. F street................Cliff street? Did they forget the alphabet?! I'm pretty sure the founders of the town were much too inbred to remember numbers and the alphabet at the same time They probably just named that street after the hick who put up the sign. As I went down the street, it suddenly turned into adjective highway. Short street. Long street. Blue street. Rocky street. Black street. I'm not kidding either. It's like 2nd graders named the streets after their last spelling test.
Somehow along my botched camping trip, I realized why old people buy useless crap. They have nothing else to do with their money! They buy tacky pottery and pick up weird collecting hobbies. My grandparents for example, they buy the most expensive shampoo. One set of shampoo and conditioner for my grandmother another set for my grandpa. They both use 80 dollar products. Which doesn't make sense for my grandpa. I love the guy to death, but he is going bald. This would also explain why grandparents tend to spoil their grandkids. They get to see their money go to use while pissing off the parents for being so leanient and generous. It makes sense. You rarely see old people go out and buy new boats, clothes that don't come from the thrift store, and sports cars. They don't have much use for that.
Speaking of cars and old people, what drives a person of older age to suddenly decide "driving 25 miles wherever I go for the rest of my life sounds good." Old people are not incapable of driving the speed limit. True, they may not be in a hurry to be anywhere, but do they realize that they are the most hated drivers? Millions are late and get symptoms of road rage from their driving. I've seen old people drive fast. I"ve seen it! It's rare, but it does happen. They drive like they are the only ones on the planet or they are incompasitated in same way to push the gas peddle 1/4th of a centimeter down to accelerate. It's almost as if they are teasing Death.
Well, that is all my random thoughts scrunched into one long ass blog. The people of Idaho should be ashamed of their backward-ass boring state. Maybe for some it's a good thing to not live in a high paced city environment. But come on, this is the same state where the music scene gets pissed off if you jump to the beat at shows. If you enjoyed this pointless blog somehow, please subscribe. I'm stuck at an even 14 subscribers. Anyone want to make it 15? Maybe more? ha ha. Thanks for reading! :)

My Adventures with Attempting to Tune-up My VW Bus

Well it's been a day of tuning up my love machine. First I did the fuel filter which was a pain.........Literally. I disconnected it and it felt like a gallon of gasoline poured into my eyes. After running into the house blindly (I navigated that like the back of my hand) to wash out my eyes, I came back to the scene of the eyeburning to find that my driveway was the Rio Grande of gas. I went under and quickly threw on my fuel filter trying my best not to lose the rest of my tank. Seeing that river of gas was enough to make my heart sink since gas prices are more pricey than an Arizona hooker (thats just re-damn-diculous!) I was covered in gas. I was ready to catch on fire like Michael Jackson at a Pepsi commercial. I was waiting for some smoking white trash in a 1970's pick-up truck to pass by and flick their cigarette out at me as they passed by. Or I could have been smoten by the worlds largest levetating magnifying glass that would likely be shined in my direction. Luckily, none of that happened (I know a couple of you are reading this and thinking "damn it!")
So I called around to a couple of places to see if they had the rest of my needed accessories. It turned out I had to drive all the way to West Valley just to buy spark plug wires from some douchebag who would have sooner smothered himself with a rotting bear carcass than help me. Thoroughly annoyed, I drove back using my dad's car to face bumper to bumper traffic. Woo Hoo. Nothing says "I'm thinking about working for the U.S Postal Service just so I have an excuse to go on a rampage" quite like sitting in 85 degree weather in bumper to bumper traffic surrounded by assholes with loud shitty music.
After stopping at a few places for spark plugs, and a distributor cap, I made my way home to finish off the job. I pulled out the spark plug wires to find that the resistors at the end were partly broken. That would explain why my van lugged around like obese trailer trash on welfare. I replaced all that and felt a sense of accomplishment I haven't felt since resisted fast food for a day and a half. I started up my van and it worked better than it had in a long time. It was time for the real test. I took it on the freeway since I had been having problems staying at accelerated speeds. And with my luck, It died going 60mph for no reason. It just completely cut out. With my mongoose like speed, I dropped the clutch in 4th as it was going and it started back up again. I got off the nearest exit using every socially unacceptable word I could think of including "Thumbfuck" and "Dirty Splurby" (That last one is only unacceptable because splurby is not a word........yet)
I spent a lot of money tuning up my van and my problem wasn't completely solved. So I'm broke again until my next check comes through. Damn! But it was a good learning experience since I've never really had to work on my van before.
But there is a point to this blog besides my misfortune entertaining you sadistic bastards. If you have any ideas as to what is causing my problem i.e. my van cutting out at high speeds and sometimes low speeds (which rules out the governor) then by all means let me know. I'm thinking the fuel pump, distributor, maybe even my alternator but I'm not leaning on that one too much. I could use some help here. I have a 6 hour trip next week in that thing. So I need to get it in freeway ready shape. Any ideas? Comment please. Just want to comment about my misfortune? By all means do. Want to subcribe to my blog if you already haven't? Sure you do. (Peer pressure, come on, everyone else is doing it.)

What Has Two Thumbs and Doesn't Give a Damn?

The Answer: This Guy!!!
It's that time of the month where I do the life update and such.
First off, I want to thank the 13 people who are subscribed to my blog. It means a lot for me to think my writing is semi-interesting to read and that many of you want to keep up with it. Makes me want to do writing for a living. (Something I've been considering a lot lately) Bust aside from that, life is still ok. I think I'm more stressed than I'm willing to admit. Mostly about my job and finances. Even though I'm out of debt, It's hard to save up money while constantly paying my bills and maintaining my van. I'm back to working ridiculous long hours at my job again, which blows a ton. I hate my job as we all know and staying there for long amounts of hours doesn't really help me much. Rest assured, I'm still trying to find a job. :)
It helps a lot that school is over. It's good to hang out with my amigos a little more and do crazy random shit again. It helps take my mind off things. Whether it's screaming really loud like a pack of rabid horny apes or randomly driving to Wyoming for non other than fireworks, every second helps keep my sanity. I could really use a vacation. I'm going camping in 10 days like every year. Which gets me super excited because I love camping. I think that after this month, things will really start to shape up for me. I'll work more consistantly to get money, hopefully I'll get more job interviews, meet new people, and of course more adventures.
I feel a lot better since I've pushed a few people from my life. I'm not dealing with as much crap as I used to. People playing cheap mind games, guilt trips to manipulate, pointless drama, high school drama, etc. I'm moving past all that. So I guess you could say, life is still pretty good. Even though a crappy job and not having a lot of money sucks, it could be worse. (Ever heard of a Turkish prison?)
Though I'll admit, a girl has been on my mind lately who pretty much has been the past year or so. If not longer. I pushed her out for a while and now I'm being a sucker and letting her fall back into my mind. It sucks that she is still in my mind after all this time. Especially since things won't work. It doesn't make me miserable, but it would help if she wasn't on my mind anymore. I think a lot of it is the lack of meeting anyone else worth while the past 6 months or so. But of course, I'm not trying real hard either. It's a double edged sword I suppose. That's one thing I hope to accomplish in the next month. Just getting her out of my mind completely.
Aside from all that, the summer is practically here and the days are just beautiful. I love warm summer nights. Now I can harass people in my van by cover of darkness knowing that 1. I won't freeze to death. and 2. I can at least roll down my windows without regretting it. Let's not forget the vast amounts of fast food that will be eaten and making me fatter. There is a good possibility that I will even buy a moped in the future so I can save on gas. I don't know what it is about me and purchasing vehicles that typically don't attract any form of chicks (except conservative Euro trash chicks with hairy armpits....... Damn hippies) I hope to paintball a lot more this summer too. It's a sport that makes it so shooting and harming your buddies is more fun than ever and not deadly either. My last thing to accomplish by August is to figure out what chemical in Starbucks coffee makes you forget you're paying 4 dollars just for a cup of coffe. Bastards!
Anyway, that's all from me. Thanks for reading :)

My Adventures With Making a Root Beer Float at Work!!!

So I'm about to tell a story of outrageously pointless proportions but don't worry, it does offer some comical value.
So I was at work today and there was vanilla ice cream in the machine out in the cafeteria. Thinking quickly, I grabbed a 20 ounce cup and filled it halfway with vanilla ice cream, and made my way to the soda dispenser and filled the other half with root beer.
Success!!!
A root beer float was thusly created. But there was a problem; the ice cream was at the bottom and the root beer had drowned my delicous ice cream. So I went back to the machine and put more in on top of the root beer. I didn't put a lot. But I did manage to put enough to make it look like floating poop. Evidently the amount I put in was less dense than water. I thought to myself: "Holy crap! It's like crap. But it's not brown!"
I briskly walked back towards the office to share my findings. Upon my arrival, I realized that 2 of my bosses and 3 of my co workers were in there. I burst through the door and exclaimed to the nearest person "Look inside my cup! It's like poop from an altnernate universe!"
Everyone looked at me with a disgusted look except for Lincoln standing next to me, who struggled to hold his laughter. It was at that point I actually absorbed the fact that 2 of my bosses were in there. They shook their heads with the same disgusted look and went back to work. I was still thoroughly impressed with my discovery, but concluded that wasn't the high point of my of 2 year stay at the job.
Definitely not job resume material