So I'm sure many of you heard about my general exictement about going to Idaho and camping over the Memorial weekend. It's a family tradition and I do it every year. I paintball, fourwheel, shoot guns, sit by a fire, fish.....everything! This year was different. I got sick on the way up with a nasty cold. It was cold and miserable to the point where it snowed on us and the four wheelers were deep in the mud. My van got stuck in the mud. My uncles 2006 Ford turbo deisel got stuck in the mud up to the door handle. It took 4 other turbo deisel trucks to pull him out. but in the process got 2 others stuck. Long story. I needed a break and I got screwed. I even got turned down for that job I wanted. I was 2nd place runner for the anesthesia tech job at the university hospital. I got offered a job at the other 2 but I turned them down since they were jobs I would instantly hate. I hate my current job as it is. Why get out to hate another job, maybe even more than I do now?
But stay tuned, I'm going to attempt to be witty here in a moment.
Idaho is an odd state. I drove my bus the whole way up. It was actually fun to do. But people in big trucks have some sort of weird complex with being passed by a VW bus. I was behind this trucker for a good 40 miles. Everytime I tried to pass him, he would suddenly speed up obviously knowing I couldn't keep up. I would have no choice but to pull behind him and let the other cars pass on the 2 lane Idaho freeway. Then he would slow way down and I would be riding his ass. So I would go to pass him and that prick would speed up again! I could almost imagine his thoughts
"No liberal-ass gun hating hippy is passing me!"
He eventually pulled off onto an exit and as I passed him he flipped me off and smiled. Sad thing is, on the way back home, some ass towing a trailer did about the same thing. I would go to pass him and he would speed up. This time though, I won. This lasted for about 20 minutes. The guy had the typical cowboy hat, big truck, handlebar mustache and some wife that might have been attractive back in the 70's. She seemed to plead with him at one point just to let me pass him because she was pointing at my bus yelling at him and he was just calmly waving her off. Finally my chance came to pass him up and give him the glaring of a lifetime! After going uphill behind this jackass, I knew there was going to be a downhill afterwards. That was my chance to pull ahead. The freeway was narrowing down to one lane. The top of the hill came and I downshifted and pushed my van hard. I raced downhill at speeds my van has never seen before: The speed limit! I reached 75 miles an hour and pulled ahead. I gave him a dirty look and shook my head, followed by rolling my eyes. The wife turned and glared at the husband and seemed to yell at him more. I not only passed him, but the 2 cars in front of him and cut them off like a circumcising rabi so I could get into the other lane. My ego was full and I couldn't have been more pleased with how that went. I discovered that it's socially unacceptable to drive a bus in Idaho or anything that is not a truck of some kind. You should have seen all the people in Idaho gawk at my van like I should be put out of my misery.
Lets not forget my trip to the grocery store in Idaho. I stopped at my grandmas house since I hadn't showered in 4 days to clean up and what not. I was fairly muddy and I smelled like an open fire. The second I walked in my grandma is like "John, I need butter, will you be a sweety and by some butter from the grocery store." So I turned around and walked back the 3 feet from wence I came and drove to the store. I grabbed the butter and hit the express check. In front of me in line was a very obese older couple just standing there with just about every condiment known to man being held in their stubby arms. If dirt was a condiment, they probably would have bought that too. The line moved forward and some guy flat tired me. I turned around quickly to see who it was and sent a whiff of the campfire smell from my jacket into the air. The couple in front of me immediately remarked.
"What smells like a nice smoked ham?" said the lady
"Ham? Smells more like roast smoked turkey to me." argued the man.
"Ooo that sounds so good right now. A nice buttered ham with gravy," the obese lady fanticized.
"Where in the hell is that smell coming from? It's making me hungry. Maybe I can pick one up." suggested the male obesity statistic.
They both turned around and finally became aware of my existence for the first time since we had been standing there. They looked down at me with their eyes narrowed.
"Son, is that you that smells like a delicious roast turkey?" asked the male creature.
I didn't know what to say to that. I've never been called a delcious roast turkey before just because I smelt like a campfire.
"Um, I guess so," I replied meekly
By this point they were at the register purchasing their condiment needs for eating spam and to presumably watch the NASCAR preseason. Maybe even catching the next pay-per view wrestling program on TV.
"Ooo you got butter?! I could just butter you up and eat you alive because you smell so gosh darn good," giggled the lady.
Did I just get threatened to be eaten alive by another human being? A piece of me was saying: You need to get the hell out of the store before you get thrown in an itchy potato sack and end up over a blazing fire slathered in the butter you just purchased. Another piece was saying: These creepy fat people are kind of cool...........But don't joke around too much, they may just eat you anyway. I finally reached the register and was paying for the butter. This should have been the time the couple in front left the line and went on with their lives. But no. They stood their and waited for me while making more comments.
"So how did you get to be smelling so darn good, son? The ladies must love ya," said the man. I didn't detect a hint of humor in his voice that time.
"I was just camping on the Montana border. I was just by an oper fire a lot I guess," I replied flatly
"Oh yeah? I've been camping many a times and I've never smelt as good as that. I would just butter you up and eat ya if you were my son," said the lady with a smile.
I kind of giggled and made my way towards the door and said bye. I've been threatened to be eaten by that lady twice. The man seemed to be hint more in a straight forward way. I know they meant well with what appeared to be an Idaho sense of humor, but the thought of being eaten after a bad camping trip didn't seem so pleasant. I wondered if they had kids and one spilt barbeque sauce on themsevles and the parents ate him because he smelt so darn good. Besides that would be an awful waste of barbeque sauce. That goes down in my list of "Top 20 Most Awkward Moments." 12th place seems about right for that one.
Moving on...........
Idaho has a really weird coordinate system too. It clearly shows that Idaho's public education system has dismally failed the state at large. It's relatively simple but really reflects poorly on the spent tax dollars and intelligence of the Idaho people. They have 3 major main streets where I was at. There is the numbered streets that go from 1st street to I think 24th straight. Pretty simple. The main road is an attempt to alphabetize the roads. First street, A street. So far soo good. Next, B street. I think I'm seeing a pattern here. Next street, Constitution street. What the hell happened to C street?! I looked around to see if maybe there was some sort of patriotic monument nearby. Closest thing to patriotic was ironically the donut shop across the street with a shitload of cop cars in front of it. The stoplights were all with in 10 feet of each other for about 2 miles. It was pointless to even accelerate to the next light because it would be red by the time the 5 seconds was up. It would almost be faster to be paralyzed in a slow outdated electric wheelchair and just take the sidewalks. I went to the next light. Ah, there's C street. Was the Constitution street an attempt to patriotically alphabetize names? Wouldn't it be interesting to see something as useless as this?
A street
American street
B street
Beuracracy street
C street
Constitution street
D street
Democracy street
E street
Economy street
etc
Whatever it was, it threw me off. So I continued the next 10 feet to D street. Good. E street. F street................Cliff street? Did they forget the alphabet?! I'm pretty sure the founders of the town were much too inbred to remember numbers and the alphabet at the same time They probably just named that street after the hick who put up the sign. As I went down the street, it suddenly turned into adjective highway. Short street. Long street. Blue street. Rocky street. Black street. I'm not kidding either. It's like 2nd graders named the streets after their last spelling test.
Somehow along my botched camping trip, I realized why old people buy useless crap. They have nothing else to do with their money! They buy tacky pottery and pick up weird collecting hobbies. My grandparents for example, they buy the most expensive shampoo. One set of shampoo and conditioner for my grandmother another set for my grandpa. They both use 80 dollar products. Which doesn't make sense for my grandpa. I love the guy to death, but he is going bald. This would also explain why grandparents tend to spoil their grandkids. They get to see their money go to use while pissing off the parents for being so leanient and generous. It makes sense. You rarely see old people go out and buy new boats, clothes that don't come from the thrift store, and sports cars. They don't have much use for that.
Speaking of cars and old people, what drives a person of older age to suddenly decide "driving 25 miles wherever I go for the rest of my life sounds good." Old people are not incapable of driving the speed limit. True, they may not be in a hurry to be anywhere, but do they realize that they are the most hated drivers? Millions are late and get symptoms of road rage from their driving. I've seen old people drive fast. I"ve seen it! It's rare, but it does happen. They drive like they are the only ones on the planet or they are incompasitated in same way to push the gas peddle 1/4th of a centimeter down to accelerate. It's almost as if they are teasing Death.
Well, that is all my random thoughts scrunched into one long ass blog. The people of Idaho should be ashamed of their backward-ass boring state. Maybe for some it's a good thing to not live in a high paced city environment. But come on, this is the same state where the music scene gets pissed off if you jump to the beat at shows. If you enjoyed this pointless blog somehow, please subscribe. I'm stuck at an even 14 subscribers. Anyone want to make it 15? Maybe more? ha ha. Thanks for reading! :)
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