Advice for the Unethical, the Mediocre, and the Lazy

If you're reading this, then chances are you are unethical, mediocre, or lazy. Maybe even all of the above plus being disgruntled and unmotivated! There is even the possibility that you are not any of the above but are curious as to what kind of advice lazy, mediocre, and unethical people would take. Well I've been pretty bored at work lately and I've compiled some ways to keep sane at work if a vacation isn't in the near future.
1. So lets just say you're stressed and your next vacation away from work isn't for a while, how do you find the strength to go on? Here is a good way to keep pushing forward. Chances are, there is someone in your workplace that you cannot stand. Most likely a co-worker you see most of the days you work. They don't have to be mean in order to be intolerable. They can be empty-headed morons with a personality of a bratty 12 year old girl. I suggest ignoring that person or avoiding contact with that individual as much as you can. For some workplaces, it's impossible to not talk to your co-workers. So if you have to speak, make it brief and bland and keep the sentences under 6 words long. 3 words for optimal results. It may not be a classy trip to Europe. But it's a step back from insanity. Ignoring annoying co-workers can make it feel like you're at least partly away from work. I've tried it before and it worked wonders. If you want to be a bastard about it, you can make it obvious you're ignoring. Walk past them when they greet you. Or if you have to, act sick one on one and in the presence of other people be extremely animated and "unsick." If you shift this behavior back and forth, they may get the point and leave you alone longer than you intended. Thats a bonus!
2. Do you not care about your job to the point it doesn't matter who you run your mouth off to but you care enough not to get fired? Well this can help make your policy more enjoyable! I suggest being generally unpleasant to the co-workers you don't know or care for much. There is less of a chance they will try to pawn their work off on you or ask you  for help. Which leaves you in this neutral zone. But beware: too much unpleasantness makes you an asshole, and people will have no problem screwing you over. Not enough unpleasantness and people think you just had a bad day and it won't happen often. You must find the middle of being unpleasant. You have to make it to the point where people accept that may be just the way you are and it can be humorous to other people watching. Be a smart ass to your co-workers and even test your supervisors limits by making indirect smart ass comments while talking to them. If you get written up or got a firm lecture, you've gone too far. But if you annoyed them to the point it was a minor verbal warning, you're in the clear. Now you may ask, "Why would I do this?" That is a good legitimate question. If you have annoyed everyone in earshot for a month, this sets you up for a good job. So lets say you interview for a different job at a major corporation and this corporation calls your current job to get an idea of what you're like from your current supervisor. This does happen. But here is the best part. Your supervisor has 2 choices. They can either talk you up like you're the star employee and get you the hell out of their hair..........or they can give you a bad reference and keep you around for another 3 months and listen to you bitch some more. Not a hard decision for even the most ignorant supervisor.
3. A little tired of the job? Disgruntled perhaps? Been their for too long? Well my friend, a new job is around the corner I'm sure. But in the meantime, express yourself at work! Express your unhappiness at work in more than just bitching and moaning. If you have access to a computer with a screensaver, I suggest changing the screensaver setting to the "marquee" setting. At that point, you type really unmotivating phrases and quotes. Don't have any ideas? Let me fuel you with some to get started.
Overachievement: the tallest blade of grass is the first to get cut down
Mediocrity: It takes less time and no one notices until it's too late
If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly
The harder you try, the dumber you look
Get back to work! You're not getting paid to believe in the power of your dreams!
You're unique....just like everyone else
Until you spread your wings, you will have no idea how far you can walk
Not everyone gets to be an astronaut or a doctor when they grow up
Unmotivational screensaving is a victimless action. I've done it myself and the results bring me joy. If you keep an amount of secrecy, it's fun to watch people try to blame others for who might have done it. But if you're infamous for hating your job and they know its you, then they will know you're not only cynical, but kind of witty too. Even if they do catch you, they are likely not to fire you anyway. No employer likes to go through the interview process. I'm pretty sure no one as kids sat on the playground thinking "When I grow up, I want to hire people based on first impressions in an hours time."
4. Do you feed off the misery of other people? In some way, yes you do. If you feel crappy about the work you do, take a look around. There are people who are in the same boat as you. But not quite the same category. Making fun of other co-workers who are socially inept is kind of funny. Nicknaming co-workers is always fun. Compare them to animals that are generally not sold as stuffed animals. So that would make them unpleasant and undesirable. Don't let the confines of convential reality and science limit you either. Go into the realms of science fiction and fantasy to pull off the worst ones, like ogre and troll. Real life animal names are harder but funner. Like a sloth is a good one. Comparing someone to a dinosaur isn't too bad of an idea either. If you feel bold, maybe share the nicknames you created with a fellow co-worker. Even if they are untrustable. If it gets around, that may push a useless worker to quit....or put you on their hit list.
5. Do you go through jobs really quick? Well if you can't stay in one place too long, don't try to prove yourself as a hard worker immediately. Take some time to screw over the job a bit. Maybe go home sick because staring at the carpert pattern made you sick to your stomach, or try to get on workmans comp because an unnattractive female co-worker was clearly not wearing a bra. Traumatizing! Tell contradicting stories of your sick days and re-use them constantly. It wouldn't be smart of you to use that job as a reference unless you somehow shaped up and no one remembers you being an arrogant assface.
6. Interviewing for jobs that you applied for just to see what would happen or a job you wouldn't care for, does have its perks. If it's a job you don't care for, stumble into the the interview room like you have a physical disability but insist you're just fine. Shift in your chair uncomfortably many times during the interview groaning. And mumble something low but kind of audible like "damn herpes...........n' arthritis." Or if you're really low class you can act like you're kind of slow in the head. They may just hire you because they feel bad. You can get paid the highest wage offered and not be expected to do all the work or not do most of the work correctly. I think the funniest thing would be since most people who are reading this were born in the 80's, is to act like a Vietnam vet. During the interview, act like you're phasing in and out and throw in the words "Nam." and "charlie is in the bushes" under your breathe throughout the interview. They may think you're slow and hire you anyway or just tell you to get out for being a dumbass. Either way, I don't see a losing situation!
I hope some of this helped. I have actually done a lot of this. Not all of it. But I can tell you, it is fun and kind of helpful if you're stressed about the job. Hope you enjoyed reading it anyway!