Halloween is No Fun (When You Have to Work)

Halloween is a magical time of the year where we can all have an excuse to dress like skanks or murderous psychopaths. Maybe I want to be a bloody surgeon whose malpractice has only begun to see the tip of the iceberg in my rising cost of my insurance and legal litigation. Or perhaps I'll go the leather man-thong route in hopes that someone may find that attractive.

Oh wait. I can't. I work all night. With a crappy doctor who doesn't like me. And 2 nurses I don't know very well. No Halloween related fun for me. No beer. No costumes. I didn't even have time to carve dirty pumpkins like I wanted. Sad. It's going to be a long night. Come to think of it, it's been a long week. Perhaps next weekend I can have the chance to make up for this lack of fun and party like its my glorious birth year of 1986.

Perhaps it will be just another weekend where I will have to settle on relaxing for a day or two. I'll take that as well. I'm not picky.

In any case have a happy and safe Halloween! :)

Much Needed Doubt and My Interview

I went to this work party that a nurse I work with held. It was to celebrate the move of everything that was good about LDS Hospital to Intermountain Medical Center. It was fun and slightly awkward to see people I worked with outside of work. I didn't know what to say really. A few of the doctors showed up. That was interesting. I got talking with one of them. I told him I was pre-med. He got serious and told me to not be a doctor. He went through all the other things I could be doing. Business. Music. Entertainment. Teaching. Whatever I wanted. Each one of them I had shot down without hesitation. He went through the cons of being a doctor. I didn't care. I actually felt good that for once someone was trying to talk me out of it. It made me realize that it was truely what I wanted to do. Turns out that was kind of his purpose. To see if it was really something I wanted to do. I feel stronger in my desire to be a doctor despite my doubts to carry myself to that point.

My interview for the volunteer research was extremely intimidating. They were all extremely serious minded people. I felt out of place. I felt I lacked the ability to communicate with them effectively on the same level. It made things awkward. It seemed like they had never had volunteers before. As if I was the first. They didn't have any idea how I could help them. I didn't have any idea how I could help them. That made it hard to form expectations of what was needed. After a lengthy conversation with one of the researchers there was a more defined line of what I needed to do. I saw all the projects going on and knew that this is something I could get involved in. But still don't know to what degree my involvement will be. I have to attend one of the research meetings on November 25th. It will give me a better idea of what projects I want to be involved in.

To celebrate what seemed to me like a semi-success despite the utter awkwardness of the interview, I got myself a new hand gun. I'm excited :)

That is all you get today. Sad, I know.

Why Do People Hate Atheism?

I have yet to figure out this hate or dare I say even fear of atheism. It tends to be talked and treated with extreme discrimination. Some of the views I have heard on atheism from devout and generally kind church goers have rivaled that of devout and misguided bigotry. I have been met with passive aggressiveness and outright hostility towards me. I have never once gone out to "convert" or convince anyone I was right and they were wrong. People just hear atheist and automatically retaliate. Yes, I'm quite aware of so and so who did this and jon doe who advocated for that and thats why this is this. But really? Why hate?

People often assume that you're atheist because you've had a terrible life and you blame God for it. I admit, I have met several of these types of people. That's not my reason. I've had a perfectly good life. I've met far many more of those people. But that's besides the point. The point is, it's a terrible label that anyone of any belief faces.

I really cannot put my frustration into this blog. I don't hate any religion. I don't hate people or speak condescendingly of those who believe in God. I have lived a good life and dedicated my life to helping others. And yet, no matter what, I have been met with awkwardness and distance. Just why? Do people hate things that are so much unlike their beliefs and standards? Does this not seem wrong to anyone? Does it seem ok to say I hate atheists? But it would be not ok to say I hate protestants? What's the difference. It's more taboo to say the latter. That's discrimination.

I don't get it. I will never try to convince anyone of what I believe. In fact I generally keep it to myself that I'm even atheist because after it's known, some people just don't treat you the same. Bleh.

Being Tired Isn't Half Bad as Long as You Have Copius Amounts of Caffeine

The title says it all. I've been awake for well more than 24 hours now. It's not so bad really. I've done this so many times I'm unfortunately used to it. Because my graveyard sleep schedule refuses to let me go to sleep till about six in the morning, it makes things difficult to do things in the morning the next day when I absolutely have to. Usually I just forgo attempting to sleep and just stay up the entire time until I'm done with what I have to. Then I go to sleep for what is usually 2-4 hours then wake up and go to work. Nine times out of ten this has been because of all crap I'm involved in at work. Lots of classes paid by the company so my application can sparkle career and school-wise. Recently, it's been instructor certifications so I can teach BLS/ACLS/PALS. This morning happened to be that case.

The first hour or two of work is usually the roughest part of the day. Staying awake for about 36 hours then sleeping for 3 hours can take its toll on your mood. It takes me a while to loosen up and wake up. Luckily today there was a good crew at work so it was easy for me to wake up and get with the program. I catch my 2nd wind and do fantastic for about 3 hours then I crash and burn. This is usually followed with a large abundance of kidney-debilitating energy drinks. Then by the traditional junk food (I stress eat when I'm exhausted and tired.) At about 3 in the morning, which happens to be the current time, I crash again. I then debate whether or not to open up another energy drink. Usually I don't in fear that it's too close to my bed time and I would be up all night long. I favored in not drinking my second drink though it would probably do me a lot of good.

Thursday I interview for a volunteer research position. I'm not sure yet what the research entails, but I imagine it will be pretty lame for a while. Probably something stupid like sorting papers and cleaning the toilets of rich burnt out doctors. Alas, I cannot write anymore. I need to keep my mind occupied elsewhere so I do not fall asleep. I have already grown bored of writing about this boring story.

Until next time kids.

I'm a Magnet for Punishment

It's true. I frequently do things that seem like it would be in my better interest at first. But once I realize that I only get 4 hours of sleep in a 30 hour time span, it all changes. As we speak I can barely keep conscious. I took my ACLS and PALS instructor course earlier today. That's all well and good, but I'm tired beyond reason. I've done this so many times in the past. Stay up all night, then,...... Stay up some more to do something that might benefit you later! I think I do this at least twice a month. It's exhausting.

I keep wondering why I do this to myself. It puts me in a terrible mood. I'm sleepy. Easily agitated by little things. I'm readily dipping into my insecurities. I guess it keeps me busy to say the least. Makes me feel like I'm doing something and pushing for somewhere that's not quite in sight yet. It feels so senseless and yet so directed at the same time. How can this benefit me if it makes me so miserable? But wait?! This will look good later on right? But for what? There is a good chance I don't have the testicular grapes to make it to med school. I can barely deal with regular school. In fact I'm doing everything else outside of school so well for my pre-medicine requisites that if I had it together in school, I could do really well for myself. The catch is that I'm lazy when it comes to school. I do things I shouldn't. Miss papers. Miss big assignments. Why? I can't even figure that out.

Wow. I really made a quantum leap from frequent mind-crippling sleep deprivation to my doubts of my abilities to be the man I want to be some day. After I get some sleep, all my negativity will slip away. I'll read this later and think "Wow, I'm whiny bitch. I should probably cut back on that."

People's Fascination with Psychology

I've noticed an increase in psychology majors lately. When I was young, I wanted to be a psychologist. I thought I was mentally screwed up, even though I was far from. I'm a really good listener and really good at giving practical advice. I thought it was a perfect fit. As time went on, I realized how boring it would be. How I would be annoyed by listening to peoples problems. How it would be so hard for me to not just say "come on dumbass, quit using your pity as a crutch and start solving things for yourself." At some point, I thought it would be cool to understand how some people come to be the way they are. As I got older that became less important. I stopped caring why some people were jerks, or crazies, or complete idiots. It was simply too depressing to find out what small things put some people over the edge or forced them to give up on life.

I think it's appealing when you're younger to find out those questions. When you're younger its easier to be depressed because you don't understand the world or yourself. But if you grow up normally and find yourself, those questions don't become so important. You don't hang on to the events that make you ponder those questions. You let go of the bad things in your life and focus on your future. However, many people don't let go of the past or their flaws. They thrive on them. I meet these people all the time. They are almost always psychology majors. Every time I hear the same explanation for their major

I was raped and I want to know why.
Ted Bundy was messed up.....kind of like my dad. I want to know why.
I want to know why people were mean to me.
My mom never paid attention to me. I think thats why I'm lazy/mean/shallow (input any adjective here)

It takes all my energy not to tell them that the answers to their life's questions and problems are not going to be in any psychology book. It's not going to be at any school. You can learn all you want and find the psychological answers to those problems. But you will never be satisfied with the answer. There are a few people who are satisfied with the answer and use it as a crutch or reason to do things. "Oh I can cry like this because my dad raped me. It's a natural emotional response after 30 years. It's also the reason why I'm lazy and shallow so don't judge. I was raped. I learned that so don't shame me." Yes, as sad as that is to happen to your life, don't use it as a reason to not let go and live your life like a normal person

I'm tired of psych majors telling me they want to help people to help understand themselves. It makes me sick. Don't use other peoples probelms to solve your own you selfish prick. Your problems are your own and no ones problems are going to help you solve yours. ah!

I'm tired of fucked up people being drawn to psychology thinking all their answers are there. Grow up already and figure shit out for yourself.