It's true. I frequently do things that seem like it would be in my better interest at first. But once I realize that I only get 4 hours of sleep in a 30 hour time span, it all changes. As we speak I can barely keep conscious. I took my ACLS and PALS instructor course earlier today. That's all well and good, but I'm tired beyond reason. I've done this so many times in the past. Stay up all night, then,...... Stay up some more to do something that might benefit you later! I think I do this at least twice a month. It's exhausting.
I keep wondering why I do this to myself. It puts me in a terrible mood. I'm sleepy. Easily agitated by little things. I'm readily dipping into my insecurities. I guess it keeps me busy to say the least. Makes me feel like I'm doing something and pushing for somewhere that's not quite in sight yet. It feels so senseless and yet so directed at the same time. How can this benefit me if it makes me so miserable? But wait?! This will look good later on right? But for what? There is a good chance I don't have the testicular grapes to make it to med school. I can barely deal with regular school. In fact I'm doing everything else outside of school so well for my pre-medicine requisites that if I had it together in school, I could do really well for myself. The catch is that I'm lazy when it comes to school. I do things I shouldn't. Miss papers. Miss big assignments. Why? I can't even figure that out.
Wow. I really made a quantum leap from frequent mind-crippling sleep deprivation to my doubts of my abilities to be the man I want to be some day. After I get some sleep, all my negativity will slip away. I'll read this later and think "Wow, I'm whiny bitch. I should probably cut back on that."
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