I was going through my inbox and I realized a lot of people have replied to my old bulletins. There is actually a lot of bulletins I forgot about that usually contain humor about movies or something ridiculously cynical. So I am reposting them for your viewing pleasure because they are kind of entertaining. Enjoy
Action Moveis Are All the Same!
Date: Jan 27, 2006 11:07 AM
So I've been watching cheap action movies lately and They are always the same! Observe as I describe and foil all of the action movies you have seen. They generally all include these characteristics:
1. A good guy who doesn't "follow the rules"
2. Boss who is angry at the good guy for not "following the rules"
3. Bad guy makes good guy mad by generally killing or kidnapping a close friend or family member.
4. The good guy later gets a seemingly incompetent partner.
5. A lot of shit blows up, people get shot, cars crash.
6. The good guy and the bad guy have a showdown in a large factory/industrial complex that features steam coming out of various pipes and chains that hang from the ceiling.
7. The good guy kills every member of the bad guys gang/posse, starting with the ones with the least screen time.
8. The good guy kills the bad guy's invincible assassin/croney/first mate kind of guy. BUT gets beaten up and wounded in the process.
9. The good guy typically, kills the bad guy in a clever way using materials in the factory (chains, acid, pipes, power cables, etc.)
10. Of course the good guy always falls in love with whoever insulted him the most during the "plot"
11. Everyone is somehow unexplainably happy despite close friends, co workers, and family members being killed in the past 2 hours.
You know it's true.
Love,
Johnny
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If You Like Shitty Movies....
Date: Feb 20, 2006 12:08 AM
So I just saw Final Destination 3. If you like movies where a lot of people die in really weird ways for no real logical reason, weak acting, with a weaker plot. Final Destination 3 just might be your movie. I never knew there was so many ways to kill 24 year olds posing to be teens in high school in really unnecessary ways until this movie enlightened me.
If you go, you can get all excited with some sort of distant hope that you might be scared by the end of the movie because it was just so deep and disturbing. After the movie really is over, you will find that you are dumber than you were for just watching it.
"Intellectual and Stimulating!"
You will not be saying any of those words after its done
My recommendation:
Don't pay 5-7 dollars to see it on a regular day.
Wait until it comes out in the dollar movies and when 50 cent monday's roll around, you can casually stroll in and see the first 15 minutes of the movie. You can even leave the movie at that point without thinking you're losing a lot of money. You won't have any obligation to stay through the whole thing.
Better yet, if youre patient, you can buy it for cheap at the movie store or steal a previewed copy from a thrift store. You will save a total of 3 dollars for your endeavors.
Enjoy.
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My Observations on Action Heroes and Such
Date: May 14, 2006 10:37 PM
So I got thinkin about supehero movies and comics. I found some things that perplexed me.
How is it that despite how good of a fighter the main superhero is, the bad guy is equally just as good?
Batman was trained by ninjas, Superman is invincible, Spiderman is damn near invincible, and yet the bad guys compete with such power. Even the nerdy mad scientist always manages to beat the shit out of Batman before Batman somehow cleverly defeats him in an abandoned wherehouse, featuring various steaming pipes and chains hanging from the ceiling. How is that exactly?
Sure it's fiction, but a ninja verse a social hermit genius?
Who is going to win logically?
And whats up with the henchman, croneys, and nameless bad guys? Why do they join up with the mad scientist guy? Are they getting paid? Judging by the popular thrift store clothing look, probably not. And who is that motivated to work for an evil genius against impossible odds like Superman? What is the incentive for them to go out to unload a clip on Superman's face which they know will not stop him at all. Followed by a hell of an asskicking by Superman. Which usually includes the guys getting thrown into brick walls at high volicities or neatly stacked rows of boxes. Are these men retarded? Do they not realize that in half an hours time they will be thwarted? Like always?
And why are diabolical geniuses so angry too? I suspect such geniuses were picked on as kids and probably made fun of at the ol' workplace during the day. I'm sure a good part of the ridicule was drawn from in the lunchroom from their steady diet of juiceboxes, cabbage, and a can of baked beans. But they always use their genius to something completely weird and pointless. Honestly, what kind of angry genius hangs out with penguins? Or developes a freeze gun? or better yet, what drives a man to dress up like a clown and have a dry sense of humor? Can't the bad guys at least wear a nice suit? They clearly have millions of dollars to invest in a doomsday device, what stops them from investing in a nice suit? And how is it that one person can develope a large bomb in 3 days where it takes the military years with hundereds of researchers. Every now and then you see the bad guy with a ton of guys in labcoats working hard. But they have to be contracted somehow? Perhaps a contracting company? What kind of contracting company wants in on world destruction? Especially if they are likely to be killed.
This is probably the nerdiest thing I have ever brought up in my life.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Those were my nerdy rants. Here comes my old ones on me destroying bulletins
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Your Attention Please! You're All Fuckin Stupid!Date: Aug 1, 2005 10:51 PM
So obviously now you've gotten this far, so now that you're here, I'd like to address dumbass bulletins once again but in more detail rather than my previous condensed points. Please read all the way through.
1. What is with these dumbass bulletins going around about a ghost boy or girl saying they are going to kill you if you don't repost the bulletin? Honestly, people, if there really are ghosts, I'm pretty sure they have better things to do then log on to myspace and harass people by threatening to murder them in their sleep. And I'm for damn sure that a dead person would not describe themselves with "scary eyes."
2. I absolutely hate the bulletins that are petitions testifying you believe in God and not posting the bulletin would otherwise insult the faith you practice and ultimately sending you to the pits of Hell. This seems like a very low way of trying to sort out atheists and pagans from people who practice popular religous factions. Now, I am not atheist, but I do not need a bulletin telling me that I do not believe in God if I do not repost a stupid bulletin. In no way, shape, or from should there be bulletins made to even attempt to reflect someone's personal beliefs. To me it seems more blasphemous than righteous to speak for God Himself by hinting that by not posting a bulletin, you do not believe the faith you practice. So in short, Grow up you dipshits.
3. Why are there so many cheesy ass bulletins with some really lame, poorly written story attached about a boy and girl that are so in love that they fail to tell each other but one of them HAS to die in order for them to see it. And of course there is always some sort of secret note hidden that one of the widowed teenage persons finds close by the dead body of their "loved one." Then of course if you don't repost that bulletin you are doomed to bad love forever or 10 years or some random number. BUT if you do repost it, you will be loved in ten minutes, no joke. Who ever makes these dumb bulletins should be thrown off a bridge into icy water followed by target practice with bricks from the people above. Seriously, stop posting these! They are all the same! Really. I can guarantee that whether or not you post that will have no effect on your love life in the coming years. And the worst part is, that these bulletins or chains don't even have a novelty factor. It's not one of those "this is so cute," or "this is worth your time reading," or even "this is so dumb it's funny" sort of deals. It's just dumb and a waste of my time and many other people's time.
4. Ok, how many times does Tom or anyone with half a brain have to explain this? At least once a week I see a bulletin that says myspace will be cancelled, or you will be charged or some stupid shit like that. Just realize that if you believed all this from some random person, then logically if you lived in any other country than America, you probably would have been killed years ago because you're so gullible. These are the same people who enjoy jigsaw puzzles thoroughly with an IQ of 70 and people who get inspired by motivational posters. Chances are if all it takes to inspire you is a cheap saying and a pretty picture, than that probably means you have a job so easy that robots will be doing it soon. None of those rumors are true, and nor will they be true
Ok, so maybe I've ranted enough now. But seriously, stop posting stupid chain bulletins that waste my time and other's time. That way maybe I can actually read the bulletins I would actually care to read and I'm sure others feel the same. If you have any comments I would surely like to hear about them. Message me or something.
Sincerely,
Johnny W.
Please note that I may repost this a couple of times so as many people can read it as possible
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This thing needs more negatives
Date: Nov 7, 2005 1:01 PM
J- Everyone loves you.
O- You love foreplay
H- You have very good personality and looks
N- You are very "FUN".
N - You are very "FUN".
Y - You never let people tell you what to do
NOW YOU TRY!
A - You always want some action.
B - You are always cautious when it comes to meeting new people.
C - You definitely have a partier side in you.
D - You have trouble trusting people.
E - You are popular with all types of people.
F - Fake.
G - You are very friendly and undestanding.
H - You have very good personality and looks.
I - Love is something you deeply believe in.
J - Everyone loves you.
K - You like to try new things.
L - You are always smiling and making others smile.
M - Success comes easily to you.
N - You are very "FUN".
O - You love foreplay.
P - You are very friendly and undestanding.
Q - You are a hypocrite.
R - You are a social butterfly.
S - People think you are sexy, especially your bf/gf.
T - You have an attitude, a big one.
U - You usally r hella tight.
V - You are not jusgemental.
W - You are very broad minded.
X - You always make every experience great
Y - You never let people tell you what to do.
Z- You're uber cool.
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They need more negatives in here don't you think? Like:
A- You rarely get laid because of your fake personality.
B- People hate you because of your support for Al-Qaida.
C- You're really lame in bed and probably have an STD.
D- You're ugly and need to stop trying to be attractive.
E- Everyone smiles to your face but talks behind your back.
F- You can't stop eating because you're fat but blame it on genetics.
G- You only get action when you masturbate to an action movie.
H- You have about as much intelligence as the pile of shit you stepped in the other day.
I- Urinal cakes tend to smell better than you.
J- You try too hard to be funny.
K- Cartoons are your only friend.
L- You're socially awkward and spend many weekends alone.
M- You have a great personality, but the looks of horses butthole.
N- You're a dateless wonder but you tell everyone else you're just picky.
O- You're only optimistic to cover up the fact you suck at everything.
P- People walk all over you because you can't say no
Q- You're not good at listening to other people because you only care about yourself.
R- You settle for less because you really are a loser.
S- Everyone knows you're incredibly insecure but yourself.
T- You have a small penis and/or really unnattractive breasts.
U- You need a life if you're still reading this
V- No matter how intoxicated someone is, they can still see you're ugly
W- You base you're personality off of bulletins and chain letters because you don't know who you are yet.
X- The closest you ever got to getting laid was your last physical from your doctor.
Y- You cover up your secret homosexual tendencies by acting like a hardass.
Z- Nobody respects you because you are a habitual liar.
Yeah I'm really bored. If you thought this was funny in someway, let me know! Message me.
Johnny W.
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I'm rewriting this "choose your eye color and month" bullshit
Date: Feb 20, 2006 10:40 PM
Yeah, I'm tired of these lame ass things. They are only accurate because every one of them says the same thing, just different wording. Then its followed by some sort of stupid prediction. This is how it really should be
Love,
Johnny
-----------blue eyes----------
People with blue eyes are often repulsive drunks in denial. It's possible people don't like you because you practice poor hygeine and have a poor personality to back your shallow standards. Being fake is probably your favorite past time. That way everyone looks past the fact you haven't matured past the age of 12. If you repost this, in 7 days you will realize a week has gone by and jackshit has still yet to happen in your life.
-------brown eyes-------
People with brown eyes have a mysterious obsession with their own poop. That's often because that's the only thing worse than you and you figure you can at least walk all over it if it makes you angry. You're typically physically unattractive and socially awkward. You really know how to kill a good conversation and to embarass the people around you. If you repost this in 5 days, you'll realize that everyone now knows you're dumbass for believing these stupid bulletins and reposting them.
--------green eyes----------
You are probably beautiful beyond all reason, but it's likely that piles of shit are smarter than you. You are really flaky and rarely attempt to get anything done hoping that someone else will do it for you. If you had a relationship, your spouse/significant other would probably kill you just to gain money off your insurance policy. If you repost this, in three days nothing will happen, but you'll probably be dumb enough to think this was reverse psychology and will probably wait for something to happen.
---------hazel eyes------------
You are ridiculously indecisive. Your eyes obviously couldn't decide whether to be brown or green. What makes you think you're any better? You try to act smart by combining pompous arrogance and meaningless rhetoric. It never works, but you still tend to think so. You have a wild imagination! You probably still have hopes you'll be laid before you die. Repost this asap and let everyone know who you really are. If you're lucky, you'll be killed swiftly for it.
____________________________________________
----------JANUARY-------------------
You believe that personalities can be described by the month you were born. It's quite obvious that you are dimwitted but people patronize you because they love to hear what you say next. You're always the center of attention because people like to point and laugh at the hideous boil that bulges through the ass end of your pants.
Sound like everyone born in January so far?
----------FEBRUARY--------------------
You're not very deep. Your best friend took a drunken piss and it's puddle on a flat sidewalk is deeper than you. You try to compensate for your lack of social intelligence by making a series of unfunny and awkward jokes. Your friends rarely invite you to places with a lot of people in fear of being horribly embarassed by your inability to grasp awkward situations.
------------------MARCH------------------------
You're an asshole and you work minimum wage jobs. But you tell everyone else that you're an airline pilot that just got laid off which would explain why you drive a piece of shit AMC Gremlin. The opposite sex enjoys ignoring you because they feel its their civil duty to isolate you from society.
------------------APRIL-------------------
It's really easy for you to pass as a handicapped individual due to your poor posture and grotesque lack of intelligence. If you're alone downtown, people like to give you their spare change and tell you "Good luck" or "I hope you find a home soon."
-----------------MAY-----------------
You're a waste on society. You don't vote and you believe your destiny is controlled by the stars and planets. You're too dumb to do drugs but it certainly doesnt stop you from eating paint chips. You're political views are often radical and have hints that you long for a communist regime. You're opinionated and nobody really cares what you have to say.
------------JUNE-------------
You have no personality. Masturbating to an action movie is the best action you will have in your life. Your insecurities are almost as powerful as the other odors the eminate from your body everyday. Your a slave to routine which usually consists of porn, tv dinners, bathroom breaks and vigorous scratching in the crotch region. Your a person of real principles.
----------------JULY--------------
Not a year goes by where someone prays a horrible fireworks accident takes your life on the 4th of July. It would be strangely patriotic and well celebrated. You are living proof that public education schools DO produce dismal failures.
------------AUGUST---------------
You are a special kind of breed. You are tolerable for more than 10 minutes because you don't smell bad. But your conversations somehow always come back to your dark and deepest sexual fetishes. It creates the illusion to other people you can attract the opposite sex with relative ease because they assume that anyone you go for is poor trailer trash. Even thats too good for you.
------------SEPTEMBER---------------
It's always difficult to tell if you're male or female. You never fail to disappoint those around you. You're like a blackhole of failure and everyone affiliated with you gets dragged into the same sorry ass state as you.
---------------OCTOBER-------------------
Optimism is your best friend because reality would otherwise tell you that you have very little to offer in this lifetime. What you think usually isn't valued because everyone knows you didnt really think in the first place, you just merely take other people's words and make them your own. You look in the mirror and think you are the spitting image of William Shatner and that any day now you will get laid.
---------------NOVEMBER--------------------
The only reason why you exist is because your dad took advantage of your mom on Valentines day while she was drunk at a party. Thank's to the miracle of Vodka and cheap condoms, your existence can be thoroughly resented because you're a pathological liar. You tell amusing stories that usually center around you and often defy the laws of physics and logic.
---------------DECEMBER---------------
Things might have been better had you not been born. You get jealous easy over really stupid shit, and others find it hard to believe you're still alive. Your existence makes people question their religion and and the theory of evolution.
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That one is my favorite:)
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Anyway, that is my collection of my favorite bulletins. Hope you enjoyed them if you didn't read them the first time I posted them. I hope that a few of you remembered them and enjoyed them a second time.
