Temporary Hiatus

Sorry for the temporary closure of the blog. I had to shut it down because of the suspiciously high amount of hits on google searching my name and city. I thought it was odd and put the blog on lockdown to see if it would stop, which it did. Odd?

Well my blog is back in business.

Woot?

So I will leave you with a quote from my dad this morning:

"Life tends to fuck you at every turn. Least you can get out of life is a decent cup of coffee."

Probably some of the most sagely wisdom to have ever been bestowed by my father recently.

Cars I Want

I have always had a taste for the finer things in life. I have always wanted the best. The most up-to-date. If I try hard enough, I get it.

Lately, my mind has been towards getting a new vehicle. I've debated selling my current car to get this car. But it would make more sense for me to keep this current car with gas prices being the way they are. So without further stalling with a long-winded introductions, my list of cars I wish to have:

A Jeep Wrangler Rubicon is at the top of my list for cars that I badly want. It would be so much fun to have one of these. So much fun, it ought to be illegal. Maybe one day, I will. But soon? Probably not.

A Dodge Challenger. This is is one of those cars where I could realistically have an unplanned orgasm every time I got into the drivers seat of this car. This car embodies the definitions of "manly," "orgasmic" and yes, even "homewrecker."

A Nissan Xterra. Realistically, this is the car I should own. Good horsepower. Good offroading capabilities (but shitty gas mileage.) However, when I look into my future, I someday see a family. A family that would need a decent car. Although a Wrangler or a Challenger would suit my needs perfectly, a potential life with children would not be easy with those cars. This would fit everything I would need for a while.


Did I just mention something about kids and a family? Yes. But don't worry, that won't happen for a while still. Me a dad? Scary I know. But I have found myself somewhat excited to have a kid some day. The challenge. The fun. Kids scare the crap out of me though. I've never been great with kids because of my lack of experience with them. Most of my experience comes from work, which mostly entails torturing kids with IV's, shots and catheters. Not a great place to start. But eh, I'll give it my best when the day comes. Once again, that's years away.

And don't worry, the baby in the picture isn't some sort of long lost son sprung on me at work by an angry mother and attorneys. This picture was from about a year ago. A couple of nurses wanted to see my struggle with dealing with a baby. They thought it was funny. I was quite uncomfortable.

Metaphors and Medicine

It's the sight that can't be unseen.
It's the sound that can't be unheard.
It's the pin that can't be put back in the grenade.
It's the bell that can't be unrung.
It's the ripple that can't be stopped.
A wind that can't be resisted.
A sensation that can't be unfelt.

Medicine.

I can't get rid of you. Nor do I want to. Though, I have tried. I can't make sense of everything that happens. But I know that medicine is what I'm meant to do. (I do mean that in a poetic fashion, not a cosmic calling kind of way.) From the day I walked into a hospital, I couldn't get enough. I had to have more. The profession scares me in a way. The responsibility. The hard work. The pressure. But there is nothing else that I would be happy doing with my life.

I looked into law enforcement and saw no future for myself there. I feared death. I feared risking my life for nothing. I feared intense anger that I would accrue dealing with scum and douchebags daily. I feared being poor and burnt out. I highly respect police officers to the fullest extent. Even if I am the one getting ticketed for something I did. I've met so many good men and women on various police forces. In a way, I wish I could be them. I wish I could be that brave. I wish I could be strong. I wish I could make the difference they do. But when it comes down to it, I'm too scared. I'm not a fighter. I don't crave that type of adrenaline. I don't want to deal with people who would have no problem taking my life in the name of drugs, gangs, and rebellion even if my intentions for the community were good. I'm not the one to be helping solve these types of problems. There are better people for the job. I better step down and let the ones who really want to do the job, do the job.

I even looked into paramedic. It has the skills involved I like, but too little information. Plus I would have to be a firefighter. I have a high respect for our EMS/firefighter staff. I couldn't do it though. It wouldn't be enough. It wouldn't be enough. I wouldn't want to be a firefighter anyway. Doesn't interest me in the least. Never much cared for it. To be the paramedic running the action, you have to be a firefighter. It's pretty weak. Even if I had the option of being a paramedic in the middle of the action, without having to be a firefighter, I still don't think I could do it. It couldn't satisfy my needs to be intelligent and know everything I possibly can.

I recently talked with a DO student at Park City. He was really cool. He was patient and nice enough to answer all my questions. Most of all, he inspired me. He was personable enough that he didn't seem so far above me. He wasn't some smart med student. He was just some guy who decided to do it and then did it. Even though he was older, it didn't stop him from doing it. Age wasn't a factor. All he wanted to do was help people. His interaction with patients was somewhat rough around the edges, but he cared. He learned. He acted. It was as if I could see myself in his position in the not too distant future. That if he could do it, I could do it. That even if I was older than most traditional students that it wasn't impossible to achieve my goals. I felt this spark rekindle inside of me. This desire to be somebody. This dormant motivation that has left me for so long. Feelings of passion that I thought I had lost started to surface. I could really do this. I really could do this. I don't have to do this anymore for other people. I have to do it all for myself first, everyone else second.

Another source of inspiration came from somewhere else. Someone who was a wannabe. A fake. A douche. Fucking pathetic to put it bluntly. Someone who worked 5 days a week at a similar job but acted omnipotent. Someone who lived their life in the shoes of other people who dared to achieve their dreams and degrees. Someone who thought they were in the same boat as those who had achieved. Someone whose life was based solely on staying put in a mediocre living. I saw myself a little in this person. Not a lot, but enough that it scared the holy shit out of me. Is this the road I could be headed down? Just a different personality with a similar mindset? Am I doomed to this delusional life of mediocrity heavily coated with delusion? I was scared. Suddenly I realized that if I wasn't careful, I would become too much like this person. I could be the next douchebag acting all-knowing. I could be the next asswipe trying to be happy with a mediocre living, taking orders and shit from people you try so hard to emulate. I won't be happy with this life. I won't accept it.

It doesn't help that I'm burned out as can be with my job. This serves as somewhat of a counterweight to my inspiration and motivation. Taking shit from lazy co-workers and shittier patients tends to wear on you just a little. It weighs on me heavier on some days more than others. But I can't let it get to me. Not when I feel so energized to move on. Not when I havesome spirit left to fight with. I have to tap into my reserves and start kicking some ass. It's not only time for change, but it's time to start living instead of moping.

I'm going to win. I may have to work harder than I ever have. But I'm going to do this. For myself. For my dad. For my family. For all those who believed I could do this in the first place. I can't let myself down anymore. I can't let everyone else down by spinning my wheels and getting older (and fatter) My youth is wasting away. It's not apparent now, but I feel it more and more with each passing year.

Time to grow up and be an adult (sort of) and be the man I've always wanted to be.

Thought It Through A Little More

The law enforcement career choice kept creeping up yesterday. So as I was babysitting psych patients, I did a lot more research online. The first thing I looked up was cop mortality rates. Followed by burnout, personal life and psych disorders. The statistics were less than compelling. But were they compelling? I knew the answers would be bad. I kind of wanted them to be bad deep inside. I talk to a couple of the police officers I work with in the ER. They both had positive things to say about the job. But in the back of my mind I came back to one thing. I'm too scared to be a cop. I'm too scared to be in that kind of danger. I fear death without meaning. I have no illusions about how small of a guy I am. If I run into some shitty dude who thinks he can take me, he probably can. Most of the assault and mortality rates of cops had to do with ambush. It made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't face that danger. Not being my size. Wouldn't matter how much muscle I put on or training. It would always be a detriment. I know plenty of women who work as cops. Most of them are feisty enough to kick my ass even. I kept thinking about options within the force. SWAT. Homicide. Detective work. Maybe even FBI. Anything. But I still couldn't bring myself to it.

I kept on thinking about how burned out I would be. How the stress would always be with me inside of work and outside. I don't want to take my work with me. Also the intellectual challenge would be little. Nothing new to learn. Even if I was a paramedic too, my role would be little. No intellectually stimulating challenges. I would miss that.

I realized that the option would be the short track. The fast route. I realized that I would burn out fast. Way fast. By the time I burned out, I would be too old to go to school to do something better. I would be stuck. Although it would be a good a career it would be lousy living. My future family life would be affected by my work forever. I couldn't do that. The fast track tells me that my attraction to it is the power to do something right. But it also tells me that it's only a temporary infatuation since I had never considered it in the past as a career. It hasn't been a particular interest of mine ever. I realized that the infatuation with the job had more to do with the excitement my job now lacked. It was the excitement that would give my life a real shot in the arm. A shot I would badly need. But the satisfaction would be temporary. The practical usefulness would be novel but would lose it's appeal. It's not enough of what I want. It's only a portion of what I want and need. But I need to let other people who strongly desire that job to do it. I would be taking up space.

Medicine is my calling. If only I wasn't so scared to keep moving towards the light that I've been so attracted to. I'm like a moth following the sun. The source of light I constantly crave and chase, yet I'm too far away to catch it. I was reminded how much I loved medicine when watching a surgeon cut an abcess. She is an amazing surgeon. I watched her take control of the situation and keep a cool head. I loved that. I wanted that. To be in that position. To be in charge medically. To be a doctor. To know. To be smart. Yes, it all made sense again. I wanted to be the one keeping a cool head during a code, not during a shooting. When I looked in the mirror I couldn't imagine myself with a uniform and police gear. I saw more of a white coat and a stethoscope. I didn't see me taking down criminals in the heat of impulse to save my life and others. I saw me saving a life with knowledge. This is where I needed to be. It was always my place to be here.

I will still research law enforcement. Just to cover my bases. But I'm sure that my interest is just a fleeting moment. Following a shortcut with fast benefits but long term regret. Life is making sense again.

Sorry I doubted you medicine, my closet lover.

Split Personality When Tired

I'm not as tired as I was yesterday when I didn't sleep for 32 hours for no good reason. I'm tired now but I doubt I'll be awake for marathon hours again. I'm so strange when I'm tired. Of course, I exhibit all the sleep deprivation symptoms such as paranoia, irritable, lack of full cognizance, etc. I'm very impulsive when tired. I'm a completely different person......

Or is that who I really am deep inside. Beneath the shell. It's like a mask comes of when I'm tired. So realistic. So brash and full of ideas. More critical and realistic than usual. The filter is gone. In my tired states I find myself going back to the same concepts for my future. That long term school might be impossible for me. I get ideas to be a paramedic or a cop. Or even both. The practicality seems so awesome to be a healer and a protector. It's practical in every day life. Then I realize how ridiculous that is. I would get my ass kicked as a cop. I would be unhappy as a paramedic. People burn out hard as it is being a paramedic. The burn out is just as high if not higher in cops. I couldn't imagine working both. I would burn out so quick. In my tired stupor however, the jobs seem like the excitement and challenge I need. When I'm awake, I realize I could never do it. I would be missing the intellectual challenge. I would be missing everything about what I wanted to be. Intelligent. Not to say paramedics or cops are not intelligent people. But I want to be academic intelligent. I want to be useful and pertinent in that way. In a way, I would feel like the dumbest one of my friends. In some ways, I would feel like I would be helping society in a badly needed way. I would miss the hospital too much. The intellectual stimulation of smart men and women.

I guess the paramedic and cop options give me the fast track option. Low amount of school. On to a career. Helping people. But low pay and high burn out. As I get older, it seems appealing to just do something like that. Too old for long term school. I missed my window. Is that the impulsive tired side? The repressed logical side, the truth? Or my cowardly side desperately seeking a way out of this rut? 

I don't know where I get these ideas. I'm super crazy when tired. Healer by day. Protector by night. Sounds ridiculous. Maybe I can also open up a business that helps solve mysteries and supplies first aid. I would hit the trifecta of jobs. Medical. Law. Business. Or maybe I can be a hippie by day or a mild mannered security guard by night with odd little ticks. I really gotta keep up on this whole sleep thing. I really start to lose it in these states of mind.

Stay tuned. Maybe I'll make a solid decision on life........ Or keep whining about it.

(I would bet on "whining about it.)

Bad Food and Nights Don't Mix

I have eaten so terribly the past couple of days. I'm practically near comatose because of it. Valentines Day at work was full of junk food. Cookies, Donuts, baked potatoes. You might be tempted to think, "Baked potatoes? Junk food? I thought baked potatoes were good for you." Under the right circumstances this logic is sound. However, my baked potato was a health hazard. It was smothered in butter, sour cream, cheese and chili. All those things put together = shit-fest. There is nothing healthy about a baked potato smothered in those condiments. It's like the people who get a triple cheeseburger at a restaurant and then order a diet coke to "even things out." Who are we fooling? So basically Valentines day I was stuffed with junk food. I then resolved to be better for the rest of the week.

My resolve wasn't as strong as I had previously hoped. A friend of mine was going through a tough time last night. So I said "Let's go to Denny's and grab some coffee and talk about it." I didn't stop to think that Denny's never fails to deliver a stomach ache followed by explosive diarrhea. I ate super shitty food then too. I tried to rationalize it by saying "It's ok. It was an occasion where a friend was in need. It's ok to eat crappy today." Well now I'm bloated to the brim and my stomach has certainly been showing the symptoms of "Denny's Poisoning". Surprisingly the AMA hasn't recognized that as a medical diagnosis. So many people have gotten Denny's Poisoning on many occasions. It's practically a pandemic! Denny's are everywhere!

I blame the late nights. It's easier to eat shitty late at night for some reason. Don't know why.

Seriously, I'm going to eat better this week.

For reals.

Knowledge is Power

I have always been a firm believer of that saying. I have always believed that a higher education is the only way to get any where in life. It was the way I was raised. But I never actually thought too much into the actual saying itself and how much it really means.

Today I realized a very important aspect about myself that I has helped clear up so many things.

Power.

It corrupts. It unites. It leads. It destroys. For better or worse, power is what makes the world go round.

I realized something that I have always wanted and striven for is power.

Now don't that take out of context or negatively. I don't mean power as in the superficial type of power. Importance. Getting off on telling others what to do. Superiority.

I mean the type of power of just...knowing. Knowing what to do. Not feeling so powerless or helpless to solve a problem or change a negative situation into a better one. This seems like an obvious conclusion, but hear me out on how I got to this.

Today at work, I helped deliver a baby in the ambulance bay. Keyword=helped. Obviously I don't have the degree or experience to deliver a baby. But I hated just helping. I hated not knowing EXACTLY what to do. It felt like it was out of my control. I wanted to know what was going on. I wanted to be the one running the show, knowing what to do, making a situation better. Fixing a problem. Now this didn't dawn on me until after I started driving home. I started to think how powerless I felt. How my knowledge was so limited. Not just on delivering babies, but on everything I know and love about medicine. I also realized this training a new tech at work. This person is really cool but has no medical experience. So explaining everything to this person was lengthy. It made me realize how much I knew, and yet how little at the same time. It seemed like a lot to know considering half of it isn't relevant to my job. I went out of my way to learn it. But repeating my knowledge back to somebody made it sound like it was a lot of knowledge on my part. In reality, it's the tip of the iceberg. It's a drop of water in the ocean to the information that is actually out there on medicine. It made me realize that in the grand scheme of things, my part was little and would stay that way for as long as I played that role.

I've jumped to similar conclusions before about knowing what to do. Simple answer, it's power. It's the power to change and control my surroundings. A problem that I want to fix and have the knowledge and power to do something about. A patient is someone who was a problem that needs to be solved. I want to solve that problem. Not help solve it. I want to control that situation and make it better to the best of my abilities. I want to have the power to make it better. To fix. Not hand tools or suggestions based on limited knowledge. I want to know it all and apply it. Not know some of it and deal with it.

I also realized this recently while briefly thinking about law enforcement. It's been a minor interest of mine the past year or two. It's not the authority I like. It's the power to change a situation. There are bad people out there and I like the idea of having the power to do something about it. To catch criminals. To make the world safer. To have the power to help a community and make the world a better place. Being a cop would be cool, but I have no illusions about how tall I am not. How unintimidating I look. How hard it would be for me to defend myself in close-quarters fighting. I know realistically I could never do it and know I would burn out fast. But the power to do something positive and be in a position to change my surroundings for the better is appealing. Though I would never do it.

I tied it all together driving home today. Why law enforcement seemed appealing and why being a doctor is appealing. It's the power knowing what to do and how to do it. The questions wouldn't deal with lack of training, but lack of specialty. I would still have answers of what to do to fix a problem for a person. I don't care for telling people what to do, or superiority. It's simply the power to control my surroundings, know what to do. Not be so left in the dark or only be a cog in the machine.

I can't drive the point home enough. I know, I get it. It's power. It's not totally different from the negative aspects of power. But I think if I were attracted to true power, superiority, superficial titles, controlling people, I would think I would be attracted to politics or military. But I'm not. I don't like either of those things. I don't want that type of power because rarely are positive things achieved in those aspects (in my opinion). It's not that I don't believe our system doesn't work, but it's power with little knowledge. Politicians make decisions based on opinion and bias. I hate that.

I know there are gaps in the logic somewhat. But I really feel that this is a turning point for me. That I seek a type of power that is meaningful to me and helpful for others. That my want for power isn't based on ego reasons but for better reasons. I feel inspired again to be a doctor. I would have the knowledge to help. It seems obvious, but the power of knowledge has been what I've always wanted.

Morning Person

Yep, it's official. Starting the 2nd week of March I will be a morning person. My schedule will be a little goofy which kind of sucks. It won't be the straight three in a row that I'm used to. But oh well. I guess I'll survive. My proposed schedule was unfortunately shot down. I really wanted a secondary swing shift to fall back on. I would have preferred that than waking up grotesquely early every day, every week. If I had just a little bit more hours to work with, it wouldn't have been so bad.

I'm in math, I should be paying attention. But my teacher is pretty much just blabbering on about nothing that pertains to the class.

*Sigh*

I need a nap.

Update On My Shit

It's been a generally good couple of weeks. I've gotten so much accomplished lately. But what shall I start with?

School has been crazy. I'm only taking an accelerated math course that is pretty much kicking my ass in the worst way. (As opposed to get my ass kicked in the best way?) Math is my worst all time subject. Thankfully this accelerated course only goes to the 19th of this month. After it's done, I can go back to a normal 3 in a row schedule at work. I'm not sure if I'll be done for the semester or not after that class. I might take another accelerated class to fill in the other half of my semester. But I'm quite undecided on that. I've been feeling more inspired lately to pursue medicine, but I'm not sure if those moments are fleeting or not.

Work has been ok. Which is good I guess. Nothing particularly shitty to complain about. I do know for sure that I need a vacation. A long one. Somewhere. Anywhere. I just need a week off to relax and forget about everything for a while. But I think I can hold out a little bit longer. I feel like night shifts are starting to get old and wear on me much more lately. It's as if they have taken a lot out of my life. I have considered going to dreadful mornings next schedule. Maybe I can start having a life again. Maybe lose the dark bags under my eyes and some sleep-related stress. I'm not much of a morning person at all. In fact, I'm a terrible morning person. I'm a grumpy asshole and don't wake up easily. But I've been craving to see the sun and be on a regular schedule lately. I've concocted a plan to hopefully implement some swing shifts at my work so maybe I won't have to wake up so early if I have to start doing earlier shifts. I doubt it will work since the budget is in a complete mess. But it's worth a shot. Plus I hate working graves at my normal job then going to my PRN job, tired and incapable of doing simple tasks correctly. I feel like an out of place dumbass. I don't think this will solve all my problems. But maybe a more normal schedule will help me stabilize some.

Other miscellaneous crap has been going on. I fixed my back tail light on my car. That has been awesome. I hated driving around without a tail light. I was so afraid of getting pulled over all the time. I got new tires for it, cleaned out the inside, got an expensive oil change with a bunch of other fluid changes. All I have to do now is replace my windshield and my car will drive like it's brand new. It's been accomplishing fixing my car. It really needed it. I really needed to do it instead of putting it off.

I recently bought a brand new TV which I love dearly. It's nice and large flat screen that beats the crap out of my old TV which was a heavy dinosaur. Weighed easily 150 lbs. The pictures is amazing. Plus it's forced me to reorganize my room which makes it look so much nicer and roomier. (Posting this very fact is probably setting me up to get robbed.) I've also been trying to put in more effort to hang out with my friends more often. I have missed them a lot. Their company. How I don't feel so out of place in the world when I'm with them. It's nice to talk to people who are generally like-minded. I guess I have missed having my own personal social life. Recently I went to Groves Market and got a massive sandwich with some good friends. So freaking good! It was nice just to be out despite my lack of sleep.

I was going to post the picture of the sandwich on here, but I figured I probably shouldn't. Seems pointless. I figure a picture of a sandwich isn't going to do much to entice anyone to read this crap any more than usual. While my car was getting fixed, I got to drive a rental car which turned out to be a sweet Dodge Charger. Apparently muscle cars ignite my loins in vaguely creepy ways that I'm not ready to understand yet. Well, not really. But the point is, I enjoyed driving a sweet brand new car that was super fast and huge! It has reignited my interest in wanting a new car like a Jeep Wrangler or something. But I've decided that I will pay off my Nissan first so I can keep it around. It's been an awesome car and would make a great back up. But of course, with my recent bouts of inspiration, it seems I find inspiration to do just about everything. Even as I type this in the hospital cafeteria, I passed by an ad to rent out a condo. It renewed my interest to move out, stop looking like such a fucking bum loser. I'm practically a quarter of a century old. But I can't really afford to live by myself like I would want. No roommates. Just me. That would be sweet. But just like the car, moving out probably won't happen any time soon. But oh well. One step at a time. I get ahead of myself sometimes. I have got to stop doing that.

Hmmmmmmm

What other pointless chatter can I fill in this ongoing void here?

I think that just about covers it. I'll try to post more pictures on here but it's not looking too likely. I don't have much to take pictures of really. Most of my inane rants don't require photo documentation. But still, I'll try. I'm sure like a child's book, this blog is easier to read if there is pictures. So I will work on that.

Stay classy and thanks for stopping by.

Oh, Febrero!

So don't worry, folks. I didn't forget about writing in this thing. Far from it actually. I have so much to write about. I've got a lot of ground to cover. But I'll save that for another posting that will bore you till your eyes bleed and/or melt.

No exaggeration.

Lately, I've felt emotionally stronger. Despite my lack of sleep some days, I've had to face some truths that I think will force me to do what I expect from myself. I've really thought about cutting back on work by fall. Going part time perhaps. Also, I'm thinking about switching to a normal schedule. Maybe starting on morning shifts for once. I hate mornings with all the fibers of my being. But if it means me seeing the sun more often and perhaps being more happy, then why not? But first I'll try to skip around mornings by trying to set up 12 hour swings instead of 8 hour ones. That will save me so much effort if I can manage it.

After seeing so many people pass me up lately, it has inspired me to move on before I go crazy. I have to concentrate on school. I don't want to be life-time tech. I think what it all comes down to that moving on has always been on me. I have to want it for myself first which is something I have always been conflicted on. What do I want?

But that's not important at this moment. I feel good. I've lost a lot of weight. I'm fit. In shape for the first time in 6 years. I mean really in shape. The best shape I have ever been in. I might even say in better shape then I was in high school. Kick ass, right?

Oh, and I've been watching this show called Dexter lately. Kick ass show. At first I resisted it. I watched a couple of episodes and was less then impressed. A couple years later, I watch it and suddenly it's the coolest thing ever.

Woot.

I know this is a lame post. But be patient. Soon a moment of peace and boredom will strike me just right and I will write again soon with all the good stuff lately. I think that's fair.

I like how I write this as if I'm talking to hundreds of readers. I'm probably talking to two, maybe three people now actually. But that's ok. I enjoy this audience style writing for some reason.