Goodbye 2009, Hello Brand New Decade

Since 2006 I have made it something of a tradition to reflect and write about the years past on New Years Eve. I always read the past ones before I write the new one. Each time I read them, I travel back in time and remember it all again. It serves as inspiration to write the new one with a sense of fun and hope.

One year ago, the end of 2008, was spent party hopping with Nicole and Jeff. We hit a couple of places and ended up at Nicole's friends house drinking beer in one hand and cheap champagne in the other. The place was crowded to the shoulder. It was the type of overcrowded party you only see in the movies. The new year was wrought in with a hundred voices in a small house. Afterward, we went to the Belgium Waffle where Jeff drank beer in the car and got drunk. He felt compelled to have a heart to heart talk with me in his car over a beer. I don't remember the specifics, but I remember we shook hands afterward.

I remember January as a time of transition. I was unhappy at SLCC and was looking for a new place to go. I remember driving to Weber for the first time and driving around the entire place on less than an hour of sleep. I took pictures of myself at the Roy Air Force Museum. I remember feeling so at home there. Feeling a sense of belonging. I remember the drive there and back and how foreign, new and exciting it felt. I started my intermediate course later in the month. I remember eating Quiznos during class breaks and listening to the Two Tongues CD. I remember coming to an epiphany about my life. Originally it was to become a paramedic, then do nursing school. I had realized I could not do medical school...... for now

I remember interviewing at the U in February for a job in the ER. I was so excited to have a shot to work in the one place I had always wanted. I remember a second trip to Weber and getting the news that I had gotten the job later that day. In fact, it was all in the same day. I had taken my sister with me to tour the campus.

I remember taking a random trip to Vegas for spring break in March with Jessica, Kevin and Nicole. Matt would later on join for less than a day and take us back home. I was sick for the 4th time that year. I remember Kevin getting too drunk on an alcoholic pina colada smoothie from the Paris. Matt and Kevin popping bottles of champagne and drinking straight from the bottle. I remember signing up to live at the dorms at Weber state and feeling so nervous. I remember dropping the paramedic idea just accepting the idea of nursing school. I remember Nicole getting way sick on her birthday after a night at Squatters and The Keys.

April started off with the ugly mustache contest. It looked awful and tore down my self esteem. It was still fun. I remember the pancake dinner at work and the shaving of it. I lost to Tyler from work. I remember working long weeks training at the U while keeping up my job at LD. I burned out so fast. I remember feeling so self conscious while training at the U because of my ugly mustache. All of April I was sleep deprived.

May was uneventful. I remember buying new paintball equipment for Memorial Weekend and gladly welcoming the return of warm weather. I also remember taking the difficult airway course and loving every second. It was probably around this time where I had felt to give med school one last try for reasons unknown to me. I could not let go of my pride and wanted to be a doctor.

I remember Joe's bachelor party in the mountains and everyone getting sick from the massive amounts of budweiser beer. I remember being sleep deprived and drunk talks with Kevin. We scared mice away from our beds so they wouldn't crawl on us. I remember Brennon and Matt snoring and making fun of Matt's chest hair (the host)

July was frequent trips to Weber to get things sorted out for my transition there. I remember always listening to the Lonely Island CD and getting my roommates names. I remember having to take my mom to the ER because her gallbladder was acting up and the final decision for her to finally have surgery.

August was the time getting ready to leave and moving to Weber. I didn't go to Warped Tour because I felt too old to go. I didn't know any of the bands. I remember being so nervous and uncertain. I remember my first day there. The people. The noises. The feeling of finally being at a real college. I remember actually having to wake up in the morning and try to move back to a regular schedule.

September I tried to adjust to everything. Weber was so new. The commute to work. Being away from my friends and family. I remember starting to play pool frequently to pass the time as I was usually bored up there. I enjoyed the warmth and sites of Ogden.

October I had finally decided to go for nursing again. I realized I really really could not do med school at this point. No matter how hard I tried. It was over. But I knew I could achieve this goal more realistically. I remember more pool and the Golden Jade Chinese restaurant. I remember the start of Venture Brothers Sunday at work. Halloween was uneventful other than seeing my dad in a tinkerbell costume

November was a long month. I felt more isolated and alone and went on to hate my stay at Weber. I dreaded going back my room knowing I would find no solace or silence there. It was a constant barrage loud noise all day. I just wanted to get through finals. Thanksgiving was nice and relaxing. It was the break I sorely needed. I struggled to make my apartment payments on time. I remember having a relaxing birthday day, but a drunken night on my friends on my birthday weekend. Matt and Heather took me out. Kevin and Nicole would show up later. It was a fun night. I remember hearing about Jeff being accepted to med school in New York

December was the long awaited process of wanting to move back home for once. I wasted no time and got home as fast as I could. I could not stand another day in the campus housing. I realized that everything I wanted wasn't away from home. I did enjoy school there and do wish to go back. But I missed everything I had at home. I'm happy being home but do wish to move out again but in the general area. I remember last minute Christmas shopping and being awake for 27 hours on the 23rd.

And now I'm here. 2009 was not a particularly exciting year. But like every year, it was a time for change and getting a little older. (and wiser hopefully) As I get older, I have realized the time I have lost and wasted. It's been hard for me this year to come to terms with who I am and who I am not. Much of my future is unknown and scary to me. I only wish that I can succeed in what I actually need to do rather than just what I want to do or think I can do. It's been nearly 5 years since high school and little has been accomplished on my part. I hope that 2010 will be the ultimate year for accomplishment. Though, I worry more about everything gradually slipping away from me as my friends start to go their separate ways.

Goodbye 2009. You will not be forgotten. Hello 2010, I hope it is a kinder and more forgiving year.

My Life is a Race

Faster and Faster
Here I come
I'm a meteor
on an uncharted course
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun
I'm burning up
Faster and faster.
I can't take
the heat
I can't take
the pressure
I'm burning up
I'm trying hard
to keep it together
Falling part as
I enter orbit
Piece by piece
there I go
Breaking apart
breaking apart

Driving down this
unfamiliar canyon
the moon lights the way
in this pitch dark night
the moon shines down
on me
guiding the way
to somewhere I've never known
It's the torch of the sky
It's the torch of my eye
Yet not bright enough to
show me the way
show me what's ahead
I notice the train
on the tracks next to me
carrying all the weight it can bare
I step on the gas
and race it down the hill
Victory
But is it?
the train works with
all of its might
where my victory was effortless
empty.

I see the city ahead
it's not my city
it's my recent home
but not the one
I call home.
I want to be there now
I want to sleep
forget about these thoughts
of failure
even now as I approach
a new year in my life
I realize that I have not yet
grown into the thought
that life isn't supposed to make sense

Rough Again

I realize I haven't posted here in a few months. My first post of the year after 4 months was kind of depressing. I guess that's when I find this blog again. When things starting getting hard or overwhelming, I know I can take comfort in writing it down. It helps relieve some of the tension when all else fails. It used to be that writing was my first resort. But after a while, it started to seem silly to write everything down all the time. I apologize for yet a second depressing blog. I promise to starting writing more down here. Hopefully with more positive outcomes.

In January, I had kind of a quarter life crisis. I suddenly came to grips with my little success in the field of medicine. I realized that the life of the doctor woud likely not be in my future, no matter how strongly I felt about it. I just knew I wouldn't have what it took to make it. I had an epiphony that came very clearly to me. I felt that nursing school might be the next best route to go. For now that's the goal in a vague sort of way. I'm still not ure on the matter.

This past week has reminded me how unsure I am of everything. Mostly today and Sunday night have made that reminder very clear to me. Sunday I was training at the University Hospital in the ER. The entire night, everyone made me feel like a super dumbass. I hate not being trusted. I hate being an unknown quiet face. I hate feeling like I don't know what I'm doing. It was rough for me. Today, I couldn't even start the easiest 16 gauge IV in the world on this patient I should have gotten it the first try. Instead I missed and had to dig to get it. Then When I did get it, the vein collapsed. It shouldn't have happened in the first place. I should have got it in the first place so it wouldn't have collapsed. Then taking that same patient to the ICU was more embarrassing. He was on a dopamine drip because of low blood pressure. I didn't pay attention to how big the dopamine bag was. It's not important. But I'm not really up on medications and rates and doses. Stuff I think I should be pretty knowledgeable in. At least have some idea. When we got to the ICU, I started disconnecting the patient from our equipment. One of the nurses up there who I like working with said I was being way too slow. I didn't think I was being slow. The guy wasn't dying or critical to be in a huge rush. But whateve, ignore that part. The nurse That I took him up with was not paying attention. She was just chatting loudly away about earrings with someone else instead of helping me get the patient over and off the IV pump. The ICU nurse asked what the drip rate was.......I don't know...... Then she asked what the concentration of the dopamine was..........I don't know........... what was the size of the bag? was it this many mg per ml?........Fuck I don't know......... I tried calling for the nurse who was supposed to be helping so she can answer those questions, but she just ignored me and kept on chatting away. The ICU nurse asked "how do you not know this? Are you going to be a nurse or what?" I just replied "I'm just a tech." She just replied "I know, I don't know why I asked. I guess to try to double check I guess."

Usually when people in the hospital what I do, I just say that I'm just a tech for the ER. That never bothers me when I say that I'm just a tech. But today, for the first time when I said it, I really did feel insignificant. I really did feel like that I knew nothing. Granted, it wasn't my responsibility to know that stuff. But I felt like I should have known that. It's not that hard to know. But I had no idea. That really got to me for some reason. On top of that, when she asked if I was going to be a nurse or what, I really had no idea. I honestly had no idea when it came right down to it. What am I going to be? What should I be. This is a question that has actually hit me the hardest the past couple of weeks. I have thought about it long and hard driving to and from work. It's been really hard at work for some reason lately. It's really been getting to me. It makes me wonder if I can really make it anywhere in the medical field. I sure as hell don't want to be a tech forever. I want to be smarter than that. I know I can be smarter than that. But do I really have what it takes to get through school? This question alone scares the shit out of me. Can I really realistically do this? I don't have an answer every time I ask myself this. In the back of my head, something tells me no. But somewhere else inside my head tells me I have the potential. I just have to find it and harness it to my advantage somehow. I despeartely want to figure it out. I look around and work with so many people that I admire and want to be more like. Nurses, PA's and Doctor's alike. I think to myself, I want to be like that. The hardworking intelligent nurse that always looks out for the best interest of the patient. The PA with great people skills that can make the patient believe in their ability. The doctor who inspires confidence and works tirelessly for a working diagnosis. As I look at these people, I realize that I have very little of these great qualities. I think of the other things I could do with my life and realized that I want very little do with anything else but medicine. So what am I to do? Deep inside I really want to be a doctor. So badly sometimes it's ridiculous. Other times, I want to be a PA or a nurse. I can never really decide. I don't know what I'm doing. But whatever it is that I do, I hope it's great. I hope it's worth it. I hope I figure it out soon.

Because right now I'm feeling lost.

Comfort Disappearing

Some days
it feels like
sleep is the only thing
I have to rely on
to take me
anywhere but where I am
I'll go anywhere
From 30 seconds of pitch darkeness
to a surreal reality
full of twisted images
and nonsensical plots
But even sleep fails me
as much as I
fail myself
Refusing to take me away

This music
in my car
is much too upbeat
for my down beat mood
I'm starting all over
Again
I wonder if it
will be worth it
I wonder if I can really do this
and more
I struggle trying to
figure this out
I struggle to figure out
the people around me
and yet
no answer is in sight
another exhausted day
where I can fall asleep
unsure of what I can really be in life