Summarizing: Part III

More of the same cynical Disney movie shit. Enjoy.


Pinocchio
In this paranormal odyssey, a lonely elderly man crafts a boy made of wood which is magically brought to life by his desperate request by an unknown entity. Once alive, the timber creature is forced to wrestle with the ambiguities of human morality in order to earn the right to live as humans do.


The Incredibles
A seemingly normal nuclear family unit tries to hide their unnatural super abilities while leading a normal life. But when their washed up father wants another taste of sweet glory, the rest of the family (children included) accidentally gets involved. With little care for one another's well being or mental health, the family battles a villain whose ultimate goal is to murder them with a variety of horrifically violent techniques.


Tarzan
This concept doesn't need me to make fun of it. I'll just give the most basic premise: An abandoned baby in the jungle learns to adapt to it's new life as part of an ape family unit.

The Near Death of an I-Pod

My I-Pod scared the crap out of me yesterday. I went to plug it into the I-Pod jack on my car stereo. Then came the worst words I could read.

"No music files found."

What?! How? Why? 

Why???!!!!!!!!!

I unplugged my traitorous music player and tried to access it. Sure enough, nothing was there. Then it just died. No warning. No goodbyes. Just a sudden blank screen of death. I clenched my I-Pod in my fist. 

"NO!!!!!! Fucked by Steve Jobs again!" I yelled at the ceiling of my car. 

Ok, maybe I wasn't that dramatic. But suffice to say, I was pretty unhappy. That I-Pod has seen nearly 6 years of action and had yet to show any sign of wear and tear. 50 gigabytes of music went down with that music player. 50 gigabytes that I didn't have backed up on my computer. I was now a music hobo. I had nothing to my name. All my music was there and then gone in an instant. Ironically, I had made myself a promise to back up my music this weekend just in case such a catastrophic event happened. 

If there is one thing I have learned this last month or so, when it rains, it pours. In fact, it dumps. Losing my music was like the icing on the cake. But how could this happen? What did I do to make my I-Pod do this to me? There must be a way......

I charged my I-Pod, somehow thinking that power would bring back my cowardly music files. And what do you know, it worked! How? I don't know. I barely know how to operate a microwave without supervision, little alone an I-Pod so simple in design that they hand them out to kids as gifts. The point is, all my music was back. My world went from a dark stormy night to just a cloudy day. 

Phew, that was close. I was close to soliciting for charitable music donations. I need music for my sanity. Without it, I don't know what I would do. I was also not wild about facing the prospect of paying money for a new I-Pod, which just upsets me based on principle alone. I'm not a huge Apple fan. But their products are both useful and basic, the way I like most of my crap. I'm a slave to their genius product engineering. I would need a new I-Pod to live. 

Now I'm sure you're stuck wondering, "have you backed up your music yet?"

No. No I have not. 

But I will soon. 

Camouflage For Every Day Dress

Army camouflage is a neat thing. It keeps you from being noticed by enemies easily. This is especially handy if you are actively combating terrorists in jungles, forests, snow, or the desert. It's applications are mainly for the military, but has other useful applications in outdoor paintball and hunting. Other than that, there is no place for camo in your every day life. 

I find it both laughable and alarming to see people walking around in camouflage apparel for no real reason. Some of these camo wearing people are nothing more than harmless hipsters making an ironic fashion statement. Others, I'm not so sure. While I was walking through school the other day, some guy was walking around in a camo jacket with plain army green pants, a camo lunch box and a camo backpack. Seriously? You're at school, not the jungles of Vietnam. What practical purpose, if any can you possibly have for wearing that. He clearly wasn't military. Probably a hunter. But still. It's a little unsettling. For all I know, this guy hangs out in the bushes stalking people, waiting to rape or mug an unsuspecting passerby. Ok, he was probably not a rapist or a criminal. Perhaps he was just passionate about camo apparel which reflects his love for the hunting season, which is now over. The camo lunch box and camo backpack was kind of funny. That's like accessorizing with your dress like a woman. 

More and more, I've been noticing people sporting camouflage like it's no big deal. I guess it isn't. But you have to wonder what they are thinking. Do they have a secret compound somewhere? Is it just comfortable? Are they old veterans who just can't let go? Are they wannabe army personnel? When I go camping, it's easier for me to wear camo. It's comfortable, tough, water resistant and there is no one around to wonder if I'm some sort of nut-job. 

I suppose it's not that big of a deal. But it was an observation worth making. 

Summarizing: Part II

I've decided to summarize more of your favorite films. Disney movies in particular. It's just too easy.


Aladdin:
In this delightful family rom-com, a young Arabic hobo enslaves the powers of a genie in order to manipulatively pursue a princess.


The Aristocats:
A family of wealthy cats are forced to seek the help of jazzy commoners in this early 20th century tale of socioeconomic tolerance.


The Little Mermaid:
A royal teenage mermaid rebels from the strict rules of her king father by sacrificing her natural abilities to talk and swim in order to experience life, love and disability.


Snow White and the 7 Dwarves:
A pasty, naive woman escapes a brutal assassination by taking residence in a remote forest with 7 adult male dwarves with various untreated psychiatric conditions.


More to come when I'm feeling bored again.

Summarizing

"A British boy successfully co-exists with anthropomorphic insects inside of an absurdly large peach during an implausible adventure."

That's how I managed to summarize "James and the Giant Peach" today. My teacher raised her eyebrows and basically commented that I live in a magic-less world. In a way, I was somewhat proud of that. I feel like I have no illusions otherwise. Besides, I thought I was being clever in a cynical way. Apparently, she didn't appreciate it........Nor did anyone else in the class. I don't think they took time to consider that black, white and even shades of gray are colors too.


"In this skewed view of history, a Native American teenager in the 1600's somehow avoids disease and the horrific destruction of her people when she participates in a questionable relationship with an older male stranger from another land."

My teacher shook her ahead after she read my synopsis of the Disney movie "Pocahontas." She made it a point to remark that it wasn't funny.

"This compelling look into the lion psyche details the psychological torment experienced by a young cub whose father's murder propels him to self-exile and his eventual glorious return to monarchical rule."

My instructor closed her eyes and rubbed them for a second. "Why?" she asked. "Why not? I'm not necessarily wrong. It's my interpretation of the movie."


I enjoyed this so much, I think I'm going to make this a regular part of my blog.

Time to Kill

How does one actually kill time? Sure, I can waste time but to be able to put time to an end, murder if you will, appears to be a completely different concept altogether.

It's such a common expression. But I doubt anyone has really thought of what it is to kill time. Is it even possible? Time is well......Timeless. Can you really kill it? It has to exist even after the universe is gone right? Or is there a proverbial kryptonite to time? Like some sort of time-killing bullets I can load into a gun and just go nuts.

Ok, this is stupid. I am just wasting time. I don't want to go back to doing homework again.

But I feel better knowing that I wasted my time as well as yours.

Double whammy!

Black and White Movies Sadden Me

It sounds kind of crazy, but black and white movies make me sad. Not because the content of the movies are sad or the acting and story lines often laughably sad; but because the actors in the movies remind me of aging.

I'm not particularly afraid of death, but I am deathly afraid of becoming old. When I see the actors on the screen, I am seeing those actors as they were in the prime of their life and youth. On screen, their youth is timeless. You see their characters as they exist in their universe. You don't imagine those characters becoming old and feeble. You experience them in the moment of their existence in the story being told. When the story ends, it ends. There is no continuity. The movie is over and the characters timelessly exist in their realm until you watch the movie again. The characters live on forever, but the actors do not. Their lives move on, they age as we do and then die.

When watching old movies, I look at their beauty. They have almost a luminous quality to them. Just young actors living in a time that we don't understand anymore. I often find myself wondering what they looked like when they aged and probably passed on. What were they like when they were old? What happened to them when their youth passed them by? Did they find themselves looking back at that time in their life in fondness wishing they could have it all back? Their looks? Their age? Their energy? Or did they eventually accept that time holds us all accountable for our biological lifespan?

It sounds awfully morbid, but any old movie reminds me of aging. It reminds me that although Hollywood glorifies beauty and youth, we are all eventual victims of time and age. We all want to stay young. We all want to have the same energy and strength in our 20's as we do in our 80's. We don't want to have to compromise our looks and physical independence to time and disease. Everywhere we look, we emphasize looking young by eating this, exercising that, putting this mixture on our faces, having a surgeon adjust that. Despite all the advances in science, quack and real medicine alike, time catches up.

I don't know why this subject makes me so morose. I guess the best fix is to not watch old movies. Out of sight, out of mind. I plan to be in my 20's forever.

That sounds reasonable, right?

Happy Corporation Day

I know that this "holiday" has been around for hundreds of years before it was commercialized. But I'm still going to bitch about it anyway.

Before becoming familiar with today's history, I was under the impression that Saint Valentine was the patron saint of "business enterprise." Long story short, I was wrong. Anyway, I wanted to have a good idea of when we commercialized the shit out of this. It appeared to really take off sometime in the 1800's. Some brilliant guy had the idea of suckering people to pay money for Valentine cards. Genius. From there, it just went out of control. Chocolates. Gifts. Dinner. Cards. Obligatory sex. Who would have thought someone could commercialize the abstract concept of love and turn it into a grand money making scheme? Doesn't it seem slightly evil to imply that the complex emotion of love is equivalent to material goods or in some way enhances it? When people think of Valentine's Day, everyone seems to think of dinner, flowers, movie, chocolates and love. Seems kind of wrong to lump all those things together with such a large concept. 

Anywho, I never got the appeal of Valentine's day. Some people really enjoy it. Some people enjoy just the candy, which I argue is gross. Those chalky hearts are disgusting. Everything else is the exact same crap they sell at Easter in just a different shell. I guess for some people, it might be the one day of the year they feel appreciated, even if it is practically obligatory. For others with co-dependent personalities, I'm guessing it does make them legitimately feel loved. 

I don't have anything particularly funny or insightful to say today. But I hope you're having a wonderful Valentine's Day. If you're a nonbeliever in the holiday such as myself, I hope you are having a Merry Corporation Day. 

Making a Man

What makes a man?

Is it being prepared to do the right thing, even if it hurts in the end?
Is it offering a helping hand knowing that you could be just taken advantage of?
Is it hard work and the will to persevere?
Is it as simple as manners and a decent attitude?
Is it being able to admit when you're wrong?

I guess these don't make a man necessarily, but apply to making a good person in general. I often wonder if I am looked upon as a good man or if I'm just merely a shell of a man with no sustenance. It seems silly to think about, but these are the type of questions that plague my mind for hours and days at a time. I want to be a good man. I want to do the right things. I want to be helpful. I want to be knowledgeable.I want to be useful.

I try. So help me, I try.

But am I trying hard enough?

Future Car Predictions

As I was driving in my rental car, I spent a good portion of my time messing with the on-board computer rather than paying attention to the road. It's a wonderful thing to have. It feels so futuristic. And don't get me started on the seat warmers. For years I regarded seat warmers as an unnecessary thing for pretty much any chair to have, unless it's for treatment of hypothermia of the ass (Which I don't think is a real medical affliction). However, after having sat in them I'm now a believer. Never before have I been so warm and eager to sit in a seat. I could see myself purchasing a car just for such a luxury.

But I got to thinking about this. In another 10 to maybe 15 years maximum, all of this kind of crap will probably just be standard on even the most basic model of cars. It wasn't long ago that only luxury cars had power locks, power windows, cruise control, and a clicker to lock/unlock your car remotely. Now that's pretty much the standard with only a few exceptions. Logically, it won't be long until we are all enjoying on-board computers with navigation, direct mp3 player compatible, satellite radio, seat warmers, blue tooth for smart phones, etc. Eventually there will be new highly innovative luxury technologies to replace those.

I'm thinking in about 20 years cars will drive themselves in luxury editions. Almost no driver thought will be required to operate the vehicle. It will only be a matter of time before luxury cars feature coffee makers, food dispensers of some kind or perhaps a fridge. They will most certainly have complete internet wi-fi. I also envision the future of cars catering to the male audience. I'm figuring cars will be able to pleasure men sexually in never before thought of creepy ways. I'm sure they'll call it "The Male Sports Package Edition" (with pun actually intended). Ideally, future luxury cars will have the ability to disable the cars of lesser drivers and perhaps even have the ability to communicate with other cars with similar abilities. I'm not talking about cell phones. I'm talking the ability to hail any car you want with the capability to receive the messages. This will allow for the ultimate shit-talking experience. At last we will be able to vent our road rage from the comfort of our cars without having to roll down the window or get out of the car to let other people know how bad they suck at driving. 

You might laugh now. But won't you feel silly when I'm right about a couple of these things in a couple of decades?

Clogging Up the Internet

Writing 410 posts over the last 8 years is kind of stunning. If you count the additional 39 that are on my Mustache Blog, I have nearly 450 posts of sheer crap. My postings detract from reputable authors who probably have insightful things to say. My blog talks about personal adventures, odd observations, and a general dislike for humanity. My blog is like a book that no one reads. If it were in a library, it would sit there until it was donated to a shittier library where it will sit there until it is burned for heat.

Frankly, I'm proud of it. In a hipster way, it's nice to be obscure. In a selfish way, I sometimes wish more people read it. In another sense, I'm just happy to be cluttering the internet with my useless shit. Somewhere out there, my content is floating around disrupting the flow of good content. Every time I post, a good author dies or possibly gets severely injured. It's like the butterfly effect of writing.


Perhaps this is all a slight exaggeration. I guess all I really wanted to write about was how much I've actually published. Most of it useless. Some of it decent. Some of it really bad due to half-assed editing on my part. I certainly would have never thought I would post this much.

I wonder if I'll ever reach 1000........

Uber Creeper

I'm in the school library anywhere from 2-6 days a week, depending on my schedule. After being here so often I have begun to recognize familiar faces of other people who are equally lifeless. Most of the people look like your average student just trying to scrape by academically. However, I've noticed a couple of oddballs who fall into the category of "creep" or "mildly disturbing sociopath."

There is one person in particular whom I've come to recognize. He is a much older gentleman. Easily in his late 40's or early 50's. Perhaps late 30's if he's lived hard, but I doubt that. Anyway, his age isn't really the issue as much. I find it refreshing and admirable to see people of older age going back to school. But this guy is just weird. I generally sit at the same row of study desks every time I'm here. Most of the time, this guy happens to also be lurking about other various areas of the library. I have noticed over the past couple of semesters that average to very hot women are susceptible to this guy sitting next them at study desks. This normally wouldn't be alarming if there wasn't 9 other desks in a nearly empty row he could also sit. I have witnessed it many times. A cute young woman will be sitting at a desk studying, minding her own business. Then the lurking predator sweeps by. Every time, he makes one walk past as if he is inspecting which woman to sit by. A couple of minutes later he makes another pass and sits next to a woman of his choosing. He does this in blatant disregard to social norms and how creepy he will most likely look. Before I wrote this, he sat next to this poor beautiful blond woman. She was the only person sitting on her row of individual study desks. What does this guy do? He sits directly next to her. Not a couple of desks away. No, directly next to her as if he had no where else to sit. Interestingly enough, when she left, he left a few minutes after.

I've been trying to get an idea of who this guy is. My first guess is that he is super lonely and sitting down next to an attractive woman might make his day a little brighter. This all sounds vaguely sweet, but then I remembered this is how lonely rapists start. My next guess is that he might just be socially awkward enough to not care or realize what he is doing can easily be misinterpreted, but I doubt it. These seem like calculated moves. My third guess pins him as a diabolical sociologist/social scientist. I keep thinking that he is writing in his experiment journal as he sits next to these poor girls. They almost always look uncomfortable but try to play it off otherwise. I can imagine him writing in his journal:

Entry #42 4:00 PM
Blond subject looks at me with objective disgust and shifts uncomfortably in her chair. I proceeded to move my chair closer and to clear my throat as loudly as possible.

Entry #43 4:01 PM
Blond subject is now visibly uncomfortable by my presence. She appears to be unable to concentrate on her studies as I periodically look over at her with a shockingly neutral expression on my face.


My final guess is that he may not even be a student here at all. He may be just some creepy guy who enjoys looking at hot chicks in his free time in between collecting his disability checks.


I hope he doesn't like reading random shitty blogs that are not obtainable in any search engine. I may wind up in pieces in a fridge somewhere, or perhaps at the bottom of a popular recreational lake.

Your Problem

I hate when people say "If you don't like me, then that's your problem." That seems like backwards thinking to me. If somebody doesn't like you, it sounds like it very much is YOUR OWN problem. While it is true there is always going to be somebody who doesn't like you for no good reason and that you can't please everybody, that tends to be the exception and not the rule. Chances are, if someone doesn't like you, you have most likely done something or are actively doing something to disenchant them so.

I think it's rather arrogant and narcissistic to pin the problem on the other person for not liking you. It implies everyone should like you unconditionally and any opinion otherwise indicates a huge problem on their end as it is impossible for the problem to be on your end. I get the mindset behind the statement. I'm sure that type of thinking was created to help oversensitive people get over their affliction of not being able to please everyone. I can see the benefit there. However, this toxic mindset has blanketed over the general public. Living in this mindset that we are entitled to be liked unconditionally by everyone is, for lack of a better description, fucking stupid.

If we just be honest with ourselves for a minute, there is a lot of reasons for people not to like us. But there are just as many reasons for people to like us. The things that are most likable might be the most hated by someone else. And the worst things about us are sometimes liked, though not often. In the grand scheme of things, we often inadvertently piss people off with our deep-rooted mannerisms, behaviors, and speech. It really is silly to pin the problem on someone else. Chances are if someone doesn't like something about you, others probably don't appreciate it either. As I said before, there will be people who won't like you for no good reason. That's life. But more often than not, the problem is on our end, not theirs. For most people, we want to change that behavior and become more likable or to prevent conflict. Often we don't mean to offend.

Still, I just can't get over that rotten-ass mindset of blaming someone else for your own defect.

Stupid. Fucking stupid.

Blank

I legitimately have nothing to say today. Maybe I shouldn't write at all. But for some reason, I would feel mildly cheated for having not done so. There is something addictive about writing here frequently, even I have nothing to say. I suppose it helps just to let my mind flow freely at least once a day. No distractions from the real world. Just writing the first thing that comes to my head with a grotesque lack of relevance in content to me or the reader. 

Liberating. 

Why? 

I don't know. I'm not particularly stressed. I'm not really relaxed either. I suppose it all just comes down to venting. Having somewhere to put my thoughts with no meaning. Maybe they'll seem meaningful later on down the road when I come back to read this. 

Or maybe this post will be just as pointless and empty in the future as I intended it to be. 

Sub-Tropical Weather

It's currently 42 degrees Fahrenheit, with the sun shining gloriously bright in a crystal clear blue sky. Not a cloud to be seen. No sign of smog. A light wind blows in the north. It's a beautiful day to be out and about if you have the chance.

The funny thing about this weather is that everyone who is out and about, is treating this like it's summer weather. Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly enjoying the slightly warmer weather. It's truly a testament to how cold it has been this year. It's been so cold that 42 degrees feels like summer. Already, people are driving with both windows rolled down. People are walking around in just t-shirts. I even saw a few people in shorts.

Let's slow down here. Let us all remember that we are just a mere 10 degrees above freezing temperatures. That can change at any moment because it's still just the beginning of February. I'm not tempted to break out the SPF 100, crank the A/C, and wear scandalously revealing clothing in public just yet. It's just not the right time. Comparatively, this does feel like tropical weather as opposed to the 8-15 degree days we've been having lately. I too, was intoxicated by this "warm" weather. I rolled down the windows in my car while driving to my destination. That was a short-lived venture. After driving 30 feet, the wind chill froze my eyeballs to the backs of my eyelids. True story [maybe].

In any case, let us all remember that it is only February 1st. Let us not be easily seduced by this temporary warm weather, as it will leaveth as soon as it cometh. Warm weather is nothing but a fickle prostitute in the realm of winter. Let us all be patient for the real warm weather to come in the next month or two. Believe me, I'm just as excited and impatient for warm weather as you might be.

But I'm just not ready to start wearing shorts and t-shirts in 42 degree weather.