As I sit in this dark room at home, I begin to ponder the things I should have done with my life. Not that I feel like my life has been meaningless or anything. There is just a couple of things I wish I had made possible in my younger years. Granted, I'm only 20 and there probably wasn't much I could have done anyway.
But still, I wish I had some sort of bragging rights about my childhood. Here is a small list of things I wish I could say I have done in my life.
*When I was 9, I created Chuck Norris
*When I was 14 I traveled back in time and invented alcohol, sexual intercourse and the bolt action rifle (in that order).
*When I was 6 I wrestled a bear and tossed it into a nearby ditch. (and by tossed I mean dropkicked......hard)
*At the age of 17 I once again traveled back in time with the mission of stopping Prince from ever putting out another album.
*At the tender age of 15 I ate four 72 oz steaks in an hour. I would spend the first 45 minutes filling up on bread and harassing the waitress staff.
Far fetched? Maybe. But here is another thing I wish I achieved. I wish I had some sort of minor super powers. Nothing crazy. Most people would wish for super powers that included hearing and seeing everything, the ability to kill easily and not be killed easily and the ability to not be seen.
Not me.
I wish I had powers that were a little less exciting and less desired. Like the ability to detect minor celebrities within a 100 ft radius of me. Nobody really cares to look for a minor celebrity until they are pointed out by someone else. This would help me in really minor ways. Like if I'm stuck in a long line at the grocery store and suddenly my minor celebrity sense goes off, I would just blurt "Look everyone! It's Wheel of Fortune's Pat Sajak. Rush him!" Mr. Sajak probably would not appreciate me exploiting his minor celebrity status just so I could move to the front of the line to buy a box of week-old doughnuts for 35 cents. But come on, how cool would that be?! Minor celebrities would finally be getting the non-media attention they deserved. Bob Barker would once again be a king among mortal men. Local news anchors will be forced to purchase their groceries online. And the guy who does the voice of Spongebob Squarepants would never have a moment's peace.
Aside from the things I want and can't have, I have also realized the many things I can't do in life. Even if they aren't that hard. Like being a photographer for instance. I'm not photogenic myself and for some reason I inadvertantly take that out on everyone else by taking the most unflattering, poorly timed pictures of people. I would be an awful and unethical photographer; and probably know it too. I would go into the personal portrait business and charge people ridiculous amounts of cash because I would claim myself to be an "artist." No one would know I was a fraud until it was much too late. I would make people do the most degrading things and create the illusion it was my artistic interpretation all along. "Now stare into the sun until your retinas melt to the front of your brain. Try not to squint. I'm going for a 'no stranger to pain' kind of look."
I could never do anything that has to do with the business industry either. I would either crash the economy or just fail miserably at it and lose the will to live. I wouldn't know where to start. I couldn't ever think of something as genius as the urinal cake or the trailer park. I would probably just take used stuff that no longer serves a purpose and try to sell it with a new purpose. One such idea would be to take sandpaper thats been used so much it could reused again......as toilet paper. Of course there would be no exact guidelines as to how used the sandpaper must be in order to recycle the toilet paper. Some squares might be more smooth while others might be barely used. Every square you use would be playing a game of asswipe roulette. The back up plan in case that failed would be to make insanely cheap condoms. 50% recycled sandwich bags, 50% recycled newspaper. 100% pregnancy. They'll be affordable to everyone for under 35 cents. I'll even sweeten the deal for my own personal amusement and put on the back of the box "Warning: do not use for sex." I'm willing to bet that the cheap price will likely coax them into taking a chance in order to get laid. Poor logic would intervene in the thought process "if they don't work then why are they on the market?" "Why buy five $10 condoms when you can by 100 cheap condoms for $1?" If that fails or some agency led by a group of angry mothers shuts me down, then oh well. I at least got into the prestigous business of manufacturing condoms.
I will stop this blog now. I'm quite bored of writing this and it has taken a wear on my writing. My boredom has also stolen my ability to write semi-humorous blogs and anything that can hold the average American attention span.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Arizona, You One Crazy Mofo
I wrote this while on the plane to Phoenix. You'll notice by the inane rambling that I was quite bored and delightfully absurd. Enjoy.
Flying from El Paso was semi-eventufl. I had to fly into Phoenix to connect to my flight in Salt Lake. For a while, nothing was happening. Every 20 minutes or so I would see a city that looked roughly the size of a gas station and a herd of sheep put next to each other. Then suddenly, the city of Phoenix appeared and all I could see was low income housing for as far as the eye could permit. I looked below to find that every house in nearly every neighborhood had a swimming pool. It was incredibly ridiculous. You could trash your pool with your feces one night then hop the fence and hit your neighbors and your neighbors neighbors. Using pools for their non intended purpose can be exhausting and cause heat stroke. At the end of the block you can finally take a swim and invite all your friends. I laught at the fact they had large community pools. What's the damn point? You could hop a fence and land in a pool from a movie theatre line. As the plane started it's approach to the landing strip things started to get a little bigger. You could make out the colors of the cars below finally. The pools became more clear to see. There was a couple of times at the community pools where you could actually see individual people from nearly 20,000 feet above the ground. At first I thought there was one person in the water and the water helped magnify their appearance. But when I looked around the community pool's parking lots the one speck didn't justify the amount of cars parked there. It came down to one solution. Fat people big enough to be seen by an aerial view of 20,000 feet. I thought well they had the water to help make them visible so it's not fair. Not long after I thought that I could start seeing some fat people just on the concrete of the side of the pool. Now that's just sad. People can see your fat whale ass standing by a pool at an extremely high altitude. Wow. Those obesity statistics weren't lying.
Shortly after we landed at the Phoenix airport the pilot of the plane announced it was 2:56. I forgot Arizona was one hour behind the rest of the western states. Just to be funny I exclaimed kind of loudly "Holy crap, I travelled back in time! I must warn my past self that the flight to Phoenix will be boring and that I will see a ridiculous amount of backyard pools as I land!" My mom and sister just rolled their eyes and the people looked at me as if I said something of complete blasphemy. Rather impressed with my remark I walked off the plane and called RJ to alert him of the fact that I was in his new recent home state. We talked for a few minutes and then he got off the phone in favor of keeping his job. Shortly after he texted me on my cell phone to go to the airport bookstore because there is porno magazines there. Funny thing was that I was already in the store trying to take a picture of myself in front of the nude magazine rack partly hidden behind shroud of white plastic. But alas I was stopped by an airport official. (the store sales associate) She first asked if I was 18. I said I was 20. She then said that it was illegal for me to take a picture of myself in there next to the cover nude magazines without the written consent of a high up airport official. They then banished me from the store after I purchased my dayqil cold pills. Disgruntled and torn I took a picture of my disappointed face to send to RJ to let him know I had failed. I had no intention of purchasing such a magazine, no less at an airport. I just thought it would have been funny.
currently I'm flying over the Grand Canyon. It's quite a beautiful view. But the more I look at it the more I realize that it serves as Mother Earth's vagina. The end of the world won't be because of an angry god or global warming. I predict a male pornstar sized asteroid will ravage the Grand Canyon to a pleasurable explosion. At that point the flying Earth chunks of debris will fly until they orbit a convenient sun and grow and harbor life of their own one day. It's sensible. Aside from the view I'm also flying in jet that I'm confident was a bomber plane that helped defeat that damned Kaiser in WWI and again to topple the Nazi's in WWII. It wouldn't surprise me either if it flush out "commies" in Vietnam. The upholstery looks as if it might have been redone right around the time I was born. The overhead warning lights such as the no smoking signal and seatbelt signal are missing in random places. I also noticed the convenient armchair ashtrays. Which is funny because it's a non-smoking flight as all of them are. The really kids in front of me have their own seats. Not one of them looks like they are capable of being able to recite the ABC's without starting over at least once. Their parents are in the aisle across from them dead asleep while they jump up and down and scream in their seat. Judging by the smell, I'm confident one of those kids had to have shit themselves more than 4 hours ago. They are now roaming about in a smeared pile of their own feces, causing my already irritated sinuses to feel pain in ways that could only be matched by a debilitating sinus eroding disease.
Overall my experience in Arizona (airport) was comical and presented a very positive view on how I see towns from close to 20,000 feet. I'm enlightened.
I'm tired now. I'm done writing
Flying from El Paso was semi-eventufl. I had to fly into Phoenix to connect to my flight in Salt Lake. For a while, nothing was happening. Every 20 minutes or so I would see a city that looked roughly the size of a gas station and a herd of sheep put next to each other. Then suddenly, the city of Phoenix appeared and all I could see was low income housing for as far as the eye could permit. I looked below to find that every house in nearly every neighborhood had a swimming pool. It was incredibly ridiculous. You could trash your pool with your feces one night then hop the fence and hit your neighbors and your neighbors neighbors. Using pools for their non intended purpose can be exhausting and cause heat stroke. At the end of the block you can finally take a swim and invite all your friends. I laught at the fact they had large community pools. What's the damn point? You could hop a fence and land in a pool from a movie theatre line. As the plane started it's approach to the landing strip things started to get a little bigger. You could make out the colors of the cars below finally. The pools became more clear to see. There was a couple of times at the community pools where you could actually see individual people from nearly 20,000 feet above the ground. At first I thought there was one person in the water and the water helped magnify their appearance. But when I looked around the community pool's parking lots the one speck didn't justify the amount of cars parked there. It came down to one solution. Fat people big enough to be seen by an aerial view of 20,000 feet. I thought well they had the water to help make them visible so it's not fair. Not long after I thought that I could start seeing some fat people just on the concrete of the side of the pool. Now that's just sad. People can see your fat whale ass standing by a pool at an extremely high altitude. Wow. Those obesity statistics weren't lying.
Shortly after we landed at the Phoenix airport the pilot of the plane announced it was 2:56. I forgot Arizona was one hour behind the rest of the western states. Just to be funny I exclaimed kind of loudly "Holy crap, I travelled back in time! I must warn my past self that the flight to Phoenix will be boring and that I will see a ridiculous amount of backyard pools as I land!" My mom and sister just rolled their eyes and the people looked at me as if I said something of complete blasphemy. Rather impressed with my remark I walked off the plane and called RJ to alert him of the fact that I was in his new recent home state. We talked for a few minutes and then he got off the phone in favor of keeping his job. Shortly after he texted me on my cell phone to go to the airport bookstore because there is porno magazines there. Funny thing was that I was already in the store trying to take a picture of myself in front of the nude magazine rack partly hidden behind shroud of white plastic. But alas I was stopped by an airport official. (the store sales associate) She first asked if I was 18. I said I was 20. She then said that it was illegal for me to take a picture of myself in there next to the cover nude magazines without the written consent of a high up airport official. They then banished me from the store after I purchased my dayqil cold pills. Disgruntled and torn I took a picture of my disappointed face to send to RJ to let him know I had failed. I had no intention of purchasing such a magazine, no less at an airport. I just thought it would have been funny.
currently I'm flying over the Grand Canyon. It's quite a beautiful view. But the more I look at it the more I realize that it serves as Mother Earth's vagina. The end of the world won't be because of an angry god or global warming. I predict a male pornstar sized asteroid will ravage the Grand Canyon to a pleasurable explosion. At that point the flying Earth chunks of debris will fly until they orbit a convenient sun and grow and harbor life of their own one day. It's sensible. Aside from the view I'm also flying in jet that I'm confident was a bomber plane that helped defeat that damned Kaiser in WWI and again to topple the Nazi's in WWII. It wouldn't surprise me either if it flush out "commies" in Vietnam. The upholstery looks as if it might have been redone right around the time I was born. The overhead warning lights such as the no smoking signal and seatbelt signal are missing in random places. I also noticed the convenient armchair ashtrays. Which is funny because it's a non-smoking flight as all of them are. The really kids in front of me have their own seats. Not one of them looks like they are capable of being able to recite the ABC's without starting over at least once. Their parents are in the aisle across from them dead asleep while they jump up and down and scream in their seat. Judging by the smell, I'm confident one of those kids had to have shit themselves more than 4 hours ago. They are now roaming about in a smeared pile of their own feces, causing my already irritated sinuses to feel pain in ways that could only be matched by a debilitating sinus eroding disease.
Overall my experience in Arizona (airport) was comical and presented a very positive view on how I see towns from close to 20,000 feet. I'm enlightened.
I'm tired now. I'm done writing
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