The Heart Shouldn't Do the Thinking

For some reason, I gave a lot of thought to the phrase "Follow your heart." Typically, this comes down to following your instinct, your desires, your passions, and sometimes your complete unfiltered wants. Are any of these things alone good enough to act on and if so, is it worth it? For most people and realistically speaking, probably not.

Hear me out, all you naysayers. The heart wants a lot of things. My heart when I was a teen wanted too much. My heart desired girls that I couldn't have. The way hot ones that only dated douches. Given enough effort it might have been possible but it would have fizzled out or changed me for the worst (or unlikely maybe better, who knows). My heart desired to play music for the rest of my life despite not having a band. I wanted to dedicate my life to playing rock music. Something I thought was totally reasonable because it was my passion; I loved doing it. My heart desired not finishing high school because it seemed like an easier way. School was hard. This way I could dedicate my life to music. My heart desired cars that went fast and nothing else. My heart desired love that only focused on me and nothing else. Are any of these things that good?

The girls my heart desired were solely based on physical attraction. And the ones my heart desired that weren't based on attraction alone were out of reach (taken, crazy, too tall, too crazy, etc) But I wanted them. All the advice I got was to "follow my heart" or "trust your instincts." My heart and instinct told me they were right. How wrong they were. Failure, disappointment and heartbreak. How could my heart lead me astray when it seemed so right?

I wanted to play the drums for the rest of my life. Nothing wrong with that really. Only problem was that it's super rare that it amounts to anything. Music is an amazing thing, but there is no money in it unless you get rich from it, also rare. I would be relegated to low level jobs that led to unhappiness. But my heart loved and seemed to beat for music. How could it be wrong? How can anything so good be even a little bad for me and my adult life? I look now at people who stuck with the music path and realize how sad their lives seem. They lead a stressful life full of false hope of getting to be a big and famous. Yet, year after year there is nothing but disappointment and financial problems. Just another year of plugging your band to people who largely don't care. But the heart wants to continue because it's good, right?

I wanted to drop out of school and dedicate my life to music. My heart knew this was the right thing to do. Only by following my heart could I be happy. This impulsive thought that my heart knew was the right thing for me. I wanted to follow my passion. The only way I could do that was by letting go of the dead weight that I thought was school. Luckily my dad would have none of that. How could I go against what my heart wanted? It felt so wrong because I thought I knew what my heart wanted was right.


The truth of the matter is that the heart isn't always right. Living in the impulse doesn't always lead to good things or lead you to "getting it right." On some occasions, it may take you to people and places that you never thought possible. But figuratively (and anatomically) the can't do the thinking. Careful thought, logical thought, time and maturity are all components to better paths. So many people think they are following what's right because it feels good now when later it usually ends up hurting them. Sure, there are those rare success stories of following one's heart faithfully and getting it right. But I assure you that it's rare it works out 100% of the time. Many argue that even if it doesn't turn out it taught them something so the heart is right. Maybe. But careful and timely thought may have let them jump to that conclusion ahead of time rather than living through it painfully. This can be said of relationships where the person wasn't right or a career that leads no where.

Thought and logic are obviously not full-proof. They can still lead to hard roads and failure. But I would rather choose that rather than following my pure wants. Otherwise I might still be working an unsatisfying job while playing in an untalented band, while being embarrassingly uneducated, while being sadly unsuccessful, while having been in a several bad relationships, while being constantly financially strapped, while owning cars that hardly work, while dreaming of a future my heart wants but could statistically be.

My heart has good intentions. But most of the time, it doesn't think through what is actually possible and good for me in the long run.

Homework Took Advantage of Me

For Valentines Day, I had a long date with studying at school. I'm pretty sure I got date-raped............date-raped of my social life. How did I get date raped of my social life? It was simple. I should have realized it and should have been suspicious at the time. I was lured to the school library under the pretenses of getting work done so I could get good grades. It turned out to be more than I bargained for. I just kept reading and reading. There was so much material. I felt a little woozy and tired. What was going on? Before I knew it 7 hours had gone by! Where did the time go? What just happened? How could I have lost track of time so easily? I don't remember a thing! I tried to remember the last thing I did. I remember sitting down at a desk. I remember placing my water bottle on the desk then leaving to use the restroom and then after that, nothing.................Oh no, someone or something spiked my water! I shouldn't have left my water unattended. I suspect my homework was the one that slipped something fizzy into my water bottle. The homework was the only thing close enough to have access to my drink. 

How could I have been such a fool? I trusted this homework that I didn't know very well and instead it date-raped me. Seven hours of my life are now gone that I don't remember and I have nothing to show for it except for a sore ego and small social life. 

Damn you, homework! Damn you!

Date-rape metaphor jokes. Just another sign that my quality of writing is degrading further. 

[Sad]

My Dream Job Is To Be A Secretary

Last night I had a dream that I was a secretary for the hospital I work at. Not like a secretary of treasury or anything. But like an old time kind of secretary, or "executive assistant" as they preferred to be called now. Apparently, the life of being a lowly ER tech was too much and I decided a life of Excel spreadsheets and answering phones was the life for me instead. My job was pretty vague. I worked with a bunch of old nurses and some guy who insisted on calling all of us "ladies." As the token male, I was slightly offended by that.

Anywho, the dream takes a turn for the weird. Some young guy passes out in the department I'm in and the old nurses go to work on him poorly. I try to help but they keep pushing me out of the way. They shock the guy with a defibrillator twice even though he is conscious and has a rhythm. I protest but they simply shrug off my suggestions and tell me I don't know what I'm doing. The guy dies somehow, and I go back to work staring at a blank computer screen. I decide that I need a break and go to the roof of the hospital. There is a zip-line that goes back and forth between the hospital and the parking structure across the street from it. I race across it repeatedly. I am completely unaware and unafraid of the fact that if I let go of the handlebars I would plunge to a horrible death. Normally, I'm terrified of heights. In this case, an unsupervised zip-line with no harnesses doesn't scare me at all. Ironically, tempting death outside of a hospital is a relaxing break-time activity. That's basically all I remember.

I have no idea where this idea came from. The zip-line thing I'm sure came from a Super Bowl commercial I saw recently. But the secretary thing is way out of left field. Not that there is anything wrong with being a secretary. I just could never see myself trading the job I do now for a job where I sit on my ass and take orders from a corporate asshole.

Crazy, ay?

Warm Weather, How I Missed You!

54 Degrees Fahrenheit.

In February.

Right now.

Is there anything better?

It doesn't seem that warm, but compared to the other days it feels like Summer. A light zip-up sweater is all I need. It's been nice to bask in the Sun's deadly rays while taking notice that there is no visible snow to be found (except for the mountains). It's a teaser for the warm awesomeness that is up and coming. Soon I can fish whenever I feel the need. Soon I can hop on my bike and ride as long as I want. Soon I can wear shorts and a t-shirt without worrying whether it will cause me to freeze my balls off when I walk outside.

Aside for my love for the temporary warm-ish weather, here is what else has been going on. Today I bought a Costco card so I can finally join the rest of the nation in worship of the false idol wholesale goods. I bought one 6 years ago when I moved out with my buddies, but we never used it. I was too young to fully appreciate the awesomeness of the Costco. Now that I have access to one, I can't help but stand in awe of the wondrous food emporium with bad parking.

A couple of days ago, I was convinced by my friend to go out and fish the Jordan River. At first I was hesitant since I had a lot of studying to do. (I have a lot of studying to do now.) But I took it as an opportunity to take a much needed break and an excuse to fish for the first time in over a month. I didn't catch anything except for a boot, a corpse, a turd and a bunch of sticks. Actually, all I caught were sticks that had sunk to the bottom. Unfortunately, I didn't catch anything as cool as a boot, a corpse or a turd but that's what you would expect to catch out of that dirty old river. I had a lot of good bites that I couldn't hook. So that sucked. However, the most positive aspect of the trip is how much it relieved the pent up stress I had built up. With each cast, I felt like I was casting away all my stresses, doubts and unnecessary worries. A pressure I had noticed in my chest lately was gone. (I hope that was more of a mental pressure representing my stress rather than plaque in my aorta getting released and trapped somewhere else in my body....like my brain.) I didn't care if I caught anything at all, it was just nice to be out.

That's basically it.

Half-Victory

As predicted, the parking lot at school finally opened up due to large amounts of people presumably dropping out! It was a magnificent sight to see. As I drove through the aisles in search of a good spot, I noticed how many wonderful spots were actually available. Exactly one week ago at about the same time, I had to park in the back and then hike in the windy cold to the library. Today, I got premium front row parking with plenty of stalls to spare. Today was going to be a grand day! I could feel it. I happily trotted into the library only to find the library was full of people. What just happened?! I parked next to the library where there were a ton of open spots and yet this building is full?

I went upstairs to find a private desk to study at, which was easy enough but the place was still crowded. I opened up my laptop to begin my homework only to find that I had no internet access. A message popped up telling me that the servers were overloaded with the sheer amount of people using it at one time. You bastards! I needed the internet to do my homework since the material is only accessible online. To add to the pain. the class is a computer information course. Internet is necessary. There is no way to wing it without it.

I took a swig of my coffee. There was a bitter taste in my mouth. It wasn't the coffee. No, it was the bitter taste of defeat! My parking victory felt hollow. I drove all this way to study and use the internet only to get screwed. Since when are this many people at the library? Since fucking never, that's when!

I decided to do math homework instead despite the fact I desperately needed to get computer homework done. Sure, I could have relocated somewhere else to use internet, like back to home or a coffee shop. But that would require travel time and gas money that I don't have. It was best that I stay in one place and just deal with it. I needed to save the gas and money until I get paid this weekend.

As I look out the window, the parking lot is actually getting more empty, and somehow there is the same amount if not more people here in the library. Luckily, I have gained access to the internet again but am now using my time unwisely. At any minute, my internet can just give out and tell me the server is overloaded again. I will have wasted my precious homework time writing this useless blog. I would be forced to do more math homework until the internet comes back so I can continue writing this blog instead of doing my computer homework.




Sometimes, you just can't win.

Old Buildings Eventually Go Down

As I was driving to school to study, I noticed an old building by my home was being torn down. It had been there for years, standing vacant. When I was a kid growing up, it was a large strip mall that supplied much of my elementary and middle school adventures. These buildings used to be a Fred Meyers and an Albertson's grocery store. These places served as my base for getting sodas that only costed a quarter, junk food for video game themed all night sleepovers, and by middle school and early high school it was a constant source of juvenile mischief.

Today I drove past them and saw the Fred Meyers building had most of the walls smashed in by bulldozers. I exclaimed "WHAT THE HELL!?" as I drove by. I don't know why I was shocked. In a way, I was surprised the buildings had not been torn down earlier. But still, to see the building torn down tugged a little at the nostalgic areas of my heart. A standing tribute to my childhood mischief was being torn down. Memories that were made in those buildings would no longer have a physical place of reference. The buildings were ugly and clearly in a state of decay from years of not being in use. Yet, somehow I always expected them to be there as a homage to my youth and a symbol of good times now long since passed.

I would like to believe that the old childhood friends I grew up with in my neighborhood might feel somewhat nostalgic about it too. I sincerely doubt it, though. Soon it will be a D.I Donation Center. Which I suppose is better than an old decaying building. But in my mind the new building will forever lack the stories made by me and my friends over the years. Stories that include but are not limited to:

• Being permanently banned from Fred Meyers after years of juvenile terrorism. From basketball in the toy section, to making kids toys designed to help youngsters spell and sound out words say obscene words with the volume on high. Eventually, the managerial staff had enough. They took mine and my friends pictures, and said if we stepped foot on the property again the authorities would be called for trespassing and would subsequently go to jail. 

• Buying my first pack of condoms in the 8th grade. Don't worry, I wasn't using them for their intended purpose as I barely understood what that was at the time anyway. Instead, I purchased them and proceeded to put them on random mufflers in the parking lot, which would cause them to fill with CO2 then explode. I also enjoyed making small talk with the clerk when buying them, acting shamelessly proud and prodding for any sort of reaction of disgust. 

• Skateboarding all over the property which usually involved taking horrible crashes and then limping back home. 

In truth, there is too many to bullet point and I am too lazy and too pressed for time to put more. I guess I'll just have to leave everyone wondering as to what kind of adventures took place.