The past month or so has given me a lot of time to think about my life. What I've done with it, what I want out of it, what I'll do to make a difference etc. My life has had it's moments and memories. I don't think it was up until the past 4 years I've really been trying to live out my life the best I can. I've tried living my life to what I feel is the fullest. I've made great friends, many have faded, and a few remain. I've played in a band for years before. That's something some people only daydream about. I used to work at a music store and help run the live music events that went on there. I've been to Italy (and I plan to keep traveling) I've had the craziest stories and adventures to tell. I played a variety of sports when I was younger. I was active in theatre and won best director for a play my senior year. I've been writing for as long as I can remember. I've tried my best to brighten the days of others. I've inspired laughs. I've given my feelings to others. (even to those who didn't deserve them) I don't care what other people think of me. I've done my best to be a good person.
And yet with all the adventures and fun, I've had my share downfalls and broken hopes. I've had my heart broken and I've broken hearts. I've seen and told stories I wish I never have. I've done things that were selfish and undeserving. I've cried my tears and disappointed many.
I'm not perfect. Nor am I unhappy. I don't live with regrets. Not to say that I ignore them. But they are an unnecessary burden to carry through life. You can't change what's been done. But at the same time, my most disappointing, embarassing, and worst mistakes are what made me who I am. I've learned from all of them. Some of those mistakes I haven't learned enough from. Because I've repeated a couple. Granted, if I somehow had the chance to change a couple of things I might consider. But maybe I wouldn't have had the life I've lived now. There are just some things worth letting go.
But what is not worth letting go? What moments in life do we cherish most? That varies person to person obviously. I think that a lot of people forget to live their life. Sad but true. If you feel like you don't have time, then you're the only one stopping yourself. There is so much I want to do with my life. Though I question my capabilities to get there. No, I don't lack the confidence. Maybe the right direction and ambition. I think my greatest dream would be to become a successful writer. I question if I have the talent to do so. Right now my ambition is the medical field. Current goal is paramedic. That feels a little more realistic to me. I've always wanted to do something medical. I hope I make it someday.
As I've looked back on the past little bit of my life, I often wonder, "Will I be remembered years from now? What have I done to touch peoples lives? Have I made a difference just by simply being me? Have I made myself a person worth knowing?" I hope there is positive answers to all of those questions. No, I'm not having some sort of life or identity crisis. No I'm not having some sort of self esteem issue. Or as one person would call it "the quarter life crisis." I'm not unhappy. This is probably been the best part of my life so far. I feel as though I'm living it up the best I can right now. As if I am living it up the best I can. I just feel like I'm at this point in my life, where if I haven't made a difference or a positive impression, now would be a great time to start. While I'm young and still have energy. I want to be the best person I can be. I want to make people happy. I want to help. I want to feel like I'm a person worth knowing. Like if I were to pass away early, I want be remembered positively and I want be immortalized by the stories of the life I led. I want to make sure that I was worth knowing and my life was worth living. A life well remembered.
I apologize if any of this sounds pompous or lame. Though it feels good to get off my chest. I would like to end by thanking everyone who has supported me recently. People who really have supported my writing, my goals and ambitions. People of the past who have had the impact and memories. Thank you all.
Now I must stop writing. For I am very thirsty and will require a beverage of some kind to quench my thirst. :)
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Monday, October 9, 2006
Damn the Cold and the Horse (or bus) It Rode in On
It's been a little over a month since I've written a blog of any kind. And I'm sure many of you were wondering, just how the hell I'm doing. That's right. I'm just that self-centered to think that everyone simultaneously cares about my existence at any give time. ha ha.
October has always been one of my favorite months. The way the colors change and the faint sound of rustling leaves blowing in the wind. Little things like that make it worth while for some reason. What I like most about October is the holiday of Halloween. It's the most festive time of the year I think. You're not buying into the commercialist bullshit. Though there is some, just like every holiday. I like how just for the month of October, we can all live in a fictional world of death and actually enjoy it. ha ha. Ok, maybe that sounds morbid. But what I'm trying to say is that, Halloween is meant to be fun for everyone. No one is out trying to buy presents. No one is trying to go on a hassle of a vacation. No one is out trying to kill each other. It's the one day of the year where kids and adults alike can dress in ridiculous costumes and not get the police called on them. 10 year old boys are running around in costumes that serial killers and serial rapists envy. Whereas girls and women of all ages dress in costumes that put the skankiest hookers to shame. It's the one magical day of the year where dressing like a drunken wreck or a very incompetent blood covered surgeon, is considered fun. The decorations and mood are perfect. It's the one day of the year, where it is perfectly legal to be a complete jackass in the comfort of the public eye whether you're with the traditional Halloween spirit or not.
Anyway, enough on my random thoughts on October.
Lately, life has actually been good for the most part. But once again, I have fallen back to the clutches of debt. Mostly because of the ridiculous amounts of money I spent repairing my van. Most of the money I saved for the summer has all gone towards keeping my van up to speed even though it's still having problems. Debt, is temporary. I'm not worried so much, because I know I can pull out of it with some time. My goal lately is to transfer to the U for good. I've been talking with counselors and getting ready to make the jump to a bit more of an advanced college setting. I'm thinking about a career in emergency medicine nowadays. I'm thinking I want to go into paramedics for a while and see how I like that. If all goes well, I'm thinking of applying to med school after that. But thats much too far for me to think about right now. I also may have a shot at getting a job that will pay me 5 dollar more than I make now. I would be working closely with radiology physicians and helping coordinate patient schedules and patient care. I hope it works out. The job I have currently is boring me to death. It beats the hell out of my last job. But medical laboratory science doesn't interest me. Plus I have to work with one hell of a douchebag of a co-worker who makes my life hell. It's only one day a week, but it's still a pain in the ass dealing with a man who has no respect for anyone but himself.
Aside from that, I feel as though things are starting to get better for me as time goes on. This is probably the first Fall/pre-winter season in years where I don't feel as though I'm walking alone. For once, I'm relatively happy during this time of year, the time of year I usually dred the most. My friends haven't disappeared and I see them often. I've met some worth while people lately too that help make my life better. There is little tension between myself and my family anymore. I can only hope that this maintains. It's been a while since I've felt this happy.
Hope all is well on your end of the screen. :)
October has always been one of my favorite months. The way the colors change and the faint sound of rustling leaves blowing in the wind. Little things like that make it worth while for some reason. What I like most about October is the holiday of Halloween. It's the most festive time of the year I think. You're not buying into the commercialist bullshit. Though there is some, just like every holiday. I like how just for the month of October, we can all live in a fictional world of death and actually enjoy it. ha ha. Ok, maybe that sounds morbid. But what I'm trying to say is that, Halloween is meant to be fun for everyone. No one is out trying to buy presents. No one is trying to go on a hassle of a vacation. No one is out trying to kill each other. It's the one day of the year where kids and adults alike can dress in ridiculous costumes and not get the police called on them. 10 year old boys are running around in costumes that serial killers and serial rapists envy. Whereas girls and women of all ages dress in costumes that put the skankiest hookers to shame. It's the one magical day of the year where dressing like a drunken wreck or a very incompetent blood covered surgeon, is considered fun. The decorations and mood are perfect. It's the one day of the year, where it is perfectly legal to be a complete jackass in the comfort of the public eye whether you're with the traditional Halloween spirit or not.
Anyway, enough on my random thoughts on October.
Lately, life has actually been good for the most part. But once again, I have fallen back to the clutches of debt. Mostly because of the ridiculous amounts of money I spent repairing my van. Most of the money I saved for the summer has all gone towards keeping my van up to speed even though it's still having problems. Debt, is temporary. I'm not worried so much, because I know I can pull out of it with some time. My goal lately is to transfer to the U for good. I've been talking with counselors and getting ready to make the jump to a bit more of an advanced college setting. I'm thinking about a career in emergency medicine nowadays. I'm thinking I want to go into paramedics for a while and see how I like that. If all goes well, I'm thinking of applying to med school after that. But thats much too far for me to think about right now. I also may have a shot at getting a job that will pay me 5 dollar more than I make now. I would be working closely with radiology physicians and helping coordinate patient schedules and patient care. I hope it works out. The job I have currently is boring me to death. It beats the hell out of my last job. But medical laboratory science doesn't interest me. Plus I have to work with one hell of a douchebag of a co-worker who makes my life hell. It's only one day a week, but it's still a pain in the ass dealing with a man who has no respect for anyone but himself.
Aside from that, I feel as though things are starting to get better for me as time goes on. This is probably the first Fall/pre-winter season in years where I don't feel as though I'm walking alone. For once, I'm relatively happy during this time of year, the time of year I usually dred the most. My friends haven't disappeared and I see them often. I've met some worth while people lately too that help make my life better. There is little tension between myself and my family anymore. I can only hope that this maintains. It's been a while since I've felt this happy.
Hope all is well on your end of the screen. :)
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