Trying To Be Nice

For my New Years resolution this year, I wanted to try to be a better person. I know that's a rather ambiguous goal but I had a few subgoals that defined it. I wanted to be nicer to people. I wanted to be more likeable. I wanted to smile more often. I wanted to be friendlier to people, even if I didn't like or know them. I wanted to try to be more openminded. I wanted to be more outgoing.

These are good things to strive for as I have a somewhat difficult time with most of these. I have worried greatly that I'm not a good or likeable person. Sure, I have good close friends. But I worry that I'm disliked or hated because of my awkward traits.

Yesterday I had a thought that really brought me down a few notches and brought me back to this goal. I thought to myself "Would I be friends with me if I were someone else?" Or even "Would I even like me if I was someone else?" To both questions I answered to myself "Probably not." Thinking of how awkward and unintentionally stern I can be, I reasoned that I wouldn't like me. I would probably think I was an arrogant prick or some weirdo. I don't want to be that guy. There are a couple of people I work with who are just loved by everyone. They have that magnetic personality that I wish I had. I wish it was easy for me to be nice to every single person. I mean openly genuinely nice. Nice small talk. Warm smile. Caring attitude. It's difficult for me to be genuinely nice to strangers. It's hard for me to have nice small talk that shows that I care or at least creates the illusion thereof.

I want to be better. I want to be nicer. I want to care. I don't want to come off as a weird arrogant asshole. It shouldn't be so hard for me to be genuinely nice to people I don't know or care about. It sounds awful and that's because it is. I don't want to be that person.

I will try harder to do this. I've been trying with some success, but I can do better.