Evolution Let Me Down

I'm a huge fan of evolution. I love the scientific process behind it and what it means for our race.

But lately, I'm finding that evolution has let me down on many levels. Mostly, in that evolution has failed to give me any reasonably useful powers or abilities. I feel that I'm lacking in both natural and supernatural abilities that would mostly benefit me.

For instance, why did the bear species get to inherit hibernation? Where was I when that was being handed out to the species of our planet? Did nobody else feel that sleeping through winter was a good idea? The only answer behind that is a bunch of snow loving hippies who were ok with the "change of pace" of winter. If I were to gain any power of choice, it would be winter hibernation. Fuck winter.

Everyone wishes they could fly. I don't. That's the one super power I wouldn't want. All it would take is one clumsy drunk hunter to mistake me for a rare endangered bird and BANG! I would be bleeding and falling at the same time towards my terrible death. That's a bad way to go. Plus I wouldn't pay attention enough. I would get too complacent with flying. One minute I would be daydreaming about winning the lottery; another minute I would be getting sucked into a jumbo jet getting sprayed around as human confetti. Plus, I hate heights. Fuck heights.

As a short guy, we often dream of having enormous strength to compensate for our vertically challenged handicap. (Not really true. But for the sake of this blog, let's just say that it is.) I would dream of strength where I could strangle people.....with my toes! Infinite physical strength is practical on just about every level. Especially if you are one of the few people to have it. Your talents would always be needed. But I would likely use my powers to bend metal statues and fine works of art into more lewd positions than originally intended. All for my amusement! I hate statues. Fuck statues.

Let's not forget facial strength either. I'm not talking killing people or bending metal with just mere contact with your face. My intimate life would be done away with forever. I'm talking about killing people with just the look of a face. A dirty look that literally kills. This ability would both be handy and wreckless since I dispense dirty looks like candy at a parade. Instances where this would come in handy:

Scenario: Annoying drunk guy at your favorite bar hitting on your friends and causes an obnoxious scene.
Solution: Dirty look. Suddenly, the guy screams "Ah! My balls!" Then collapses into a dead pile of douchebaggery. Cause of death: Intense scrotal implosion.

Scenario: Self-important hippy irrationally argues how artists are somehow superior to everyone else in civilization.
Solution: Dirty look. Suddenly the hippy looks confused for a second and says "Dude, I think my brain is getting larger." Then you smugly reply "That's because it is." Then suddenly his head bursts into a million dirty hippy chunks. His self-righteous attitude won't bother anyone ever again.

Scenario: A very distant aqcaintance that has no real place in your inner circle of friends questions you about everything you have done, are doing and will do. Then proceeds to give you dangerously unqualified advice as to what you should have done and what you should do now and later in the most condescending way possible. This individual also has a way to top every single one of your stories with something somehow ambigiously greater or worse than your story.
Solution: Dirty look. Suddenly it seems as though they are being stangled. They pull at the collar of their shirt as if that might be the cause of their strangulation. For added effect, you may use a line of Darth Vader's such as "I find your lack of faith disturbing." Nerd kill! Bonus!

I love science. I love evolution......when it suits me. When I think of all the potential abilities evolution has robbed me of, I can't help but feel cheated.

Fuck evolution.