Race Track Dream

I had just fallen asleep for a little bit. No more than an hour or so. I remember my last thoughts before falling asleep were how my scholastic goals were similar to my friends in the beginning. I thought of the entire concept as a race track for running track meets. The starting line being the first year of college and each revolution afterwards being a year.

Before I knew it, I had slipped into a dream illustrating this exact point. I was in a dorky track suit. Small shorts and baggy tank top to complete it all. Next to me at the starting was my friend Jeff. Oddly enough, it was just the two of us. The track field had no one in the stands watching. No crowds. No pressure. We got in position to begin the race. He turned to me and asked "Are you ready, dude?"

"Yes, I am," I replied. "We are going to do great."

A shot went off and we both sprinted out.

No more than a quarter of the way through the first part of the track, I tripped. Jeff looked back and slowed down a little. "It's cool, dude. Get up. Try again. You can do it." I got up again and started to run but tripped again. Jeff was on the other side of the track at a mild pace. He stopped there. "I'm taking a break for a second. I'm burned out," he panted.

"No worries," I said as the sun beat down on me. "Keep going. I'll try to catch up later."

Jeff started sprinting again. It wasn't long before he was at the point I was on the track. I got up to run with him again. But this time my shoelaces were untied. I stopped to tie them. "Don't worry about it. Just run with it," he yelled back.

"I can't," I yelled to him. "I have to do this."

He shrugged and kept going. He passed me up again as I was tying my shoes. I tied them up.

"Hold on, I'm coming," I yelled as he passed me.

I got up to run again but tripped. My laces were untied again. How the hell did this happen? I just tied these! Jeff passed again. "Come on, dude. There is still time," he said as he passed.

I got up again and fell down. My shoes weren't untied this time. "I'm tired," I mumbled. I lay there for a minute or so. I didn't bother moving or changing position. Jeff passed again but didn't say anything. He passed again but asked how I was doing. I don't remember if I said anything back. Before I know it, Jeff is standing over me, blocking the sun from raining on me.

"Dude, you missed it. It's all over. I'm going to head over to that new track and do some laps. You should make it over there some time," said Jeff calmly. He walked off having not broken a sweat.

I woke up, drowned in my own sweat, panting. But why? It wasn't a nightmare, was it? Maybe not your typical nightmare where an albino serial killer is trying to eat your face and rape your cat. But in a way it was a nightmare. I've never had a dream be so symbolic and accurate. I don't take much into dream interpretation. I think it's a load of crap for people who are looking for easy answers to uncomfortable questions about themselves. But for once, the allegory was pure, simple and true. That's the exception and not the rule to dream interpretation. This dream was so vivid. It was like one of those dreams you see in movie and think "No one's dreams are like that. That's ridiculous."

Jeff and I started out thinking we could one day achieve the same dream together. But Jeff was/is smart. He had it all going for him the whole time. I never quite figured out what my true goals and motivations were. I wanted to catch up so I didn't seem inferior. I even considered going to Utah State with Jeff hoping that if I went there with someone ridiculously smart that I might catch on and do something right. Looking back, I realize that wouldn't have been the answer either. I would have made the same mistakes I have over the years with my academic career. You can't change yourself by changing scenery. You can never forget who you have been by merely changing locations. I didn't realize then and I'm beginning to realize it now.

What would Freud do? (WWFD?) What would he have to say about this obvious interpretation. That's probably a question best left unanswered from a Freudian perspective. What would Jeff think? I guess it doesn't matter now. What's done is done and I am where I am because of me. 

Jeff is now in medical school living the dream we both set out to achieve. Only now am I beginning to buckle down and do this right. I will never be on the same track as Jeff. But in time I hope to follow where he has been. Not for everyone else, but for me this time.



[P.S.] Sorry about all the melancholy posts. Life really isn't so bad. I've only been inspired to write lately when I've felt kind of down. I don't feel down about this. But this dream was meaningful and I felt I should write it down before I forgot about the details that made it so good. Happier posts to come. I promise.



{P.S.P.S} I have to work tomorrow and I have to wake up in about 5 hours............fuck.