People Watching

I was at a new restaurant today trying out a pretty awesome philly cheesesteak. Since I was alone, I thought I would help myself to some sweet people watching. I like people watching at restaurants. People act the most fake at restaurants. Forced conversations, awkward dates, and the overall poor conversational skills of my generation make for some good entertainment. But this time, I struck gold! The table in front of me was a first date of two middle aged people meeting from a dating site.


The man was uber ridiculous. Greesy slicked back long hair with the gold chain necklace and partially unbuttoned shirt. The lady looked relatively normal but you could tell by her conversation and skimpy dress she was desperate for attention. Everything was a problem to her. The restaurant, the food, the scenery, that guy, this girl, blah blah blah. I don't like to eavesdrop on peoples conversations. But in this case, I had no choice. They were obnoxiously loud with their conversation. Everyone could hear them in the restaurant. The man had crutches with him. Underneath the table was a poorly ace-wrapped foot which he claimed was a broken ankle (Broke ankles are never treated with crappy ace bandages) The lady cooed and "awed" at his broken ankle and his pain. Which of course was followed up by him with ridiculous stories about how hard it is for him to get around every day and how he wished someone could just take care of him. This led to them somehow jumping into a conversation about sex, which I ignored for the sake of my lunch. They eventually got up to go. The lady said she was going out for a cigarette with a wink and asked if he would join her. She walked fast out the door. The man got up and walked about 10- 15 steps very quickly without his crutches to catch up with her. He was walking just fine! The man realized his potentially fatal mistake and turned around and RAN to his crutches. The lady turned around only in time to see him get his crutches and fake struggle with moving with them. I was irritated. She didn't even notice. The guy looked at me with a shit-eating grin on his face like he had gotten away with it. I gave a dirty look and shook my head. I actually didn't care, I just wanted to be a douche. Giving him a dirty look was just awesome.

I do wish I had done something to make that more awkward for them, maybe yell out to the lady while the guy was walking "Hey miss! Will you help this guy, he forgot his crutches!" That would have been a super douche move on my part. Or maybe I could have gone the condescending route and pulled on app on my phone that played a sitcom laugh track as he walked out. The dude is playing the pity card like some needy 16 year old high school guy. I mean really? Is that your best route to getting women to sleep with you? It must work because it seemed like it was working brilliantly. Faking a broken ankle to get laid has to be one of the worst plans ever, yet this douche is pulling it off like it was no big deal. If the lady found out his ankle wasn't broken, would he still get lucky? Probably. That lady was dumb.

Anywho, there is my irrelevant story. Enjoy