The Curse of an Introvert

It's no secret that I'm very introverted. I often prefer to be alone in quiet areas. I prefer thought over talk. I prefer observation over impulsive action. I prefer quiet over stimulating. 

Looking back at my childhood, I've always been this way. I often didn't mind taking long walks by myself on the playground. I preferred being alone just to think. Some kids thought I was weird, or lonely or felt bad for me. I could never figure out why. I would always tell them I was fine but they wouldn't believe me. I would prefer to watch other people for a long time before I got involved in their conversations or play time. I had to know what was going instead blindly walking in and hoping for the best. I didn't have a lot of friends, but I preferred it that way. I only wanted a few close friends. I wanted plenty of alone time.

I find that many of these traits have carried on to my adult life. I like it this way. I get most of these traits from my dad's side of the family. My only saving grace is that my moms side of the family is the exact opposite. I have managed to carry a few of those traits when it suits me. When I'm with people I know, like and respect I create the illusion I'm extroverted. Thanks to my mom's side of the families genetics, I seem almost well-adjusted in most situations. 

But often, I find that I fall back into old habits of being quiet and observant around people I don't know. It's both a power and a curse. On the positive side, I like being observant and seeing things that most people don't notice. I like reflecting on my observations and learning from them. On the negative side, it's almost shameful being shy and quiet these days. People see you as weak or childish if you're not talkative. I often wish I was more talkative and brave around strangers. I wish I was a little more quick to act instead of having to analyze everything 50x. I wish sometimes I didn't always have the urge to be alone so often, even when my friends and family want to be around me. 

I'm a lot better at this whole loner, introvert thing. It suits me just fine. Sure, sometimes I wish I had better, friendlier traits. But I'm happier this way. I like being alone. I like thinking. I like writing. I like not feeling socially obligated to be friendly to every random jack-off I meet just to get to know them. 

Bleh, I feel so dirty talking about myself this much. It seems wrong.