Shades of Character

There are a lot of things that I am. There are a lot of things I try to be. There are a lot of things that I am not. I often try to be a man of true character. A man that doesn't come off as an unfeeling robot or an immature kid. 

While I'm most certainly not a great man, I do try to be an honorable one. I don't consider myself a bad person, although I think I can be better. I do my best to keep my word and help others in need when I can. I do what I can to be honest and reliable. I try to be strong for those who cannot be for themselves, even if I have to fake my strength. I try to do what's right, even if it hurts me in the process. However, when I look back at what I try to do, I find that I fall short of what would constitute a decent a human being. I find that I am often noble in thought, yet weak in action. The better sides of my character that I try to achieve do not shine through as much as I would like. 

“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.”

-Gandhi

I spend way too much time thinking about how my actions affect others. I always hope that I affect people positively. I hope that when people think of me, that it's in general fondness and they don't think of me the same way I think of myself. I've tried to model my behavior in a way that when I do something good, that someone else catches on to that and does it better than I. If I cannot be the good that I want, I hope that I can only pass it on to others who can be that and more. 

While I recognize I cannot defy the gravity of my own shortcomings, I realize that there is always room for improvement. I can always be nicer. I can always be more helpful. I can always be more honest. I can always be more reliable. I can always strive to be a better person. But can I realistically accomplish these things without falling back to the mediocrity I've always known? When I think of people that I admire, I feel their characteristics are beyond my reach and that trying to emulate them would be petty. After all, who am I trying to convince is a good person anyway? Me or the world?

The shades of my character are wide and varied. I wish that they were more consistent and likable rather than inconsistent and perhaps even questionable. The only thing I can do is carry on the best I can with what I have and hope for the best.