Nicknames

I always wished I could have a cool nickname as a kid. I tried hard to make several names for myself in a misguided attempt to be unique. For some reason, I fixated on food related nicknames as those seemed to be the most common, most liked and most funny. My first attempt at this was in the 4th grade. I tried to spread rumors that kids were starting to call me Mustard for some reason. My plan worked for the first day or so but it quickly fizzled out. Kids would call me Mustard and I wouldn't respond to it at all. I kind of forgot that I should be keeping an ear out for people calling me Mustard. They would eventually just call me by my real name to get me to respond. After it fizzled out, I tried to keep it alive with limited success. It seems that kids only called me Mustard when they were blatantly reminded of the actual condiment itself, which it turns out was pretty rare.

I wanted a cool nickname that made me seem like a badass. Something like "Oh no! Here comes Potato! We are going to get our asses kicked now!" In many kids cartoons and shows, the beefiest and often fattest dude was nicknamed after some bulky vegetable. I thought that was cool. But the problem was, I wasn't fat or beefy at all. I tried to think of skinny foods that would be cool and masculine but it never worked out. Names like celery or carrot didn't seem to fit and would likely just serve as a new way for me to get my ass beat. I tried to expand my horizons and think of other non-vegetable skinny nicknames. I thought popsicle might work, but by 5th grade I even thought that was kind of gay. Maybe non-food names might work. How about Bullet? That would be cool. I was short and fast. That would be cool. Or maybe Jet. That would be awesome too. However, my efforts were impeded by the fact that I couldn't think of a way to get my cool nickname to stick. It was obvious another disastrous rumor campaign wasn't going to do it. I couldn't think of anything else, so my childhood ambitions for an awesome nickname were dashed. Instead, I would have to settle for a myriad of random nicknames that served to identify who I was based on what I liked most. I got stuck with "The Star Wars Kid." It was a known fact in elementary school that I loved Star Wars and Star Trek. However, Star Wars seemed to stick out the most. I didn't mind it, but deep inside I was hoping to get "Basketball Kid" or "Sexiest Boy in Class." But those never made it out.

As an adult, I still kind of hope for a cool nickname. My regular name itself practically serves as a nickname since I'm often called by my full name. From time to time, I wish that I had accrued a nickname as an adult. Maybe something ridiculous like "The Hammer." I would walk into places and people would be like "Hammer!" Kind of like Norm from Cheers. Maybe I could say "It's Hammer Time," every time I was about to conduct some serious business or take a test. I would consider other tool related names like "The Drill" or "Wrench." But these names seem like they would better suit a big construction worker, with cliche tattoos like a pirate flag or a heart with a banner that says "Momma Never Loved Me." Plus it seems that anyone who would have a tool-related nickname might actually be a tool themselves. I can also envision douchebags with Jersey Shore haircuts inheriting such names.

I've decided I can just let go of my dreams of having a cool nickname. My real name will just have to suffice. I guess I can put a positive spin on this and say, I'm thankful this Thanksgiving for not having a douchebag nickname that humiliates me daily.

Happy Thanksgiving, people.