Post-Rapture Blues

So the world didn't come to an end after all. Suprise? There was no Christ or Anti-Christ to smite my atheist ass to the firery pits of Hell. (I assume that's where I'd go. Maybe Limbo.) There was not massive amounts of death and chaos. There was not a lot of people praying in the streets for their soul. There were no random articles of clothing laying about. It was just a regular day.

I woke up this morning just feeling blah. I think it's because I'm sad the world didn't actually end.


Or I'm just sad that I haven't had breakfast yet. I don't know. My emotions are always tough to decipher......


Actually, now that I really think about it, I'm definitely sad because of my lack of breakfast.

Yep, it's definitely the breakfast thing.

While I contemplate my future breakfast menu, here are other failed rapture dates to entertain you.



Between March 21st 1843 and March 21st 1844 (When the rapture didn't come, claiming it was a miscalculation, it was then revised to October 22nd 1844) Fail!

1914, 1918, 1925, 1942 were all years predicted by Jehova's Witness. All these dates would have been ideal. It would have saved us all World War I and II, the Great Depression, and prohibition. Fail!

No later than 1981. There was no specific date. Just no later than 1981. Vague Fail!

1988 was predicted by Edgar Whisenant. The following year he predicted 1989. (He also later predicted 1992 and 1995.) Super Fail for repeated attempts.

A Christian Korean group predicted October 28th 1992. If anyone was going to be right about calculating the rapture mathmatically, you would think it would be the Koreans. (Or some other stereotypical Asian country.) But no. Fail!

1993 was predicted based on superstition since it was 7 years before the year 2000. That makes a lot of sense. Fail!

June 9th 1994 was predicted by some obscure pastor. Fail!

September 6th 1994 was predicted by the same douche who predicted May 21 2011.

January 1st 2000 was predicted by everyone. From the paranoid to the religious, the end of the world was near for everyone. Bomb shelters were constructed, supplies were pillaged, last minute sex was had. Nothing happened. Happy New Year Fail!

December 21st 2012 is predicted by the Mayan's as "the end of the world" but not necessarily the rapture. However, many Christian groups have taken that prediction as their own. I already know people who are planning on having Christmas on the 20th and maxing out their credit cards. Which begs the question: If you are so sure the world is coming to an end, why bother buying Christmas gifts or any gifts for yourself? If you think you'll just be a crispy biproduct of the end of the world, what's the point? Waste of money Fail!

No earlier than 2060 is mathmatically calculated by Sir Isaac Newton. The man was a genius. Could he be wrong?........Yes. Modern physicists have come to find out that a lot of Newton's shit is wrong. It remains to be seen if he could be remotely correct. If I'm still alive by that year, I'll be 73. I could probably give a shit less by that time. So bring on the 2060 rapture, Newton!


The 80's and 90's were full of failed predictions. That's probably because the 80's and 90's sucked. Looking over the superficial crap that made those two decades suck, (the mullet, the start of boy bands, poofy hair, Michael Jackson-related rapings, slow internet, the laser disc, HIV and AIDS breakout, Prince, and the birth of many of today's awful teen icons) I also realized that there were several other events that might have possibly but wrongfully hinted the end of the world. 2Pac's death. Kurt Cobains death. Biggie Smalls death. The fall of communism. The phasing out of the mullet. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles getting cancelled. If I was more aware of my surroundings in those days, I too might have thought the world was coming to an end. My child mullet would have cringed in fear as I watched the last episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Luckily, I was in a blissful state of childhood ignorance. Nothing else mattered except for my mullet, my toys, and what I had to bring for show and tell the next day at school.


Anywho, I've entertained the rapture idea long enough. Time to go back to my cynical reality.

More important than that, it's time for breakfast.