Doing Things Alone

I do a lot of things alone. I always have. It's never bothered me much. One of the things I love doing alone is eating at restaurants. I don't do it for some sort of attention-seeking shock factor. It's something I've just always done since I was about 16. I just enjoy having a good meal by myself. I like being able to sit, order, and enjoy. No needless talk or conversation. Just food and my thoughts. Don't get me wrong, it's not my preferred method of eating. I love eating at restaurants with other people. I do enjoy conversation at the table. But sometimes, I just like to be alone when eating. I don't know why. I can walk into any sit down restaurant and do it. I don't mind the occasional snickers from servers and other people in the place. That actually makes it easier to ignore them and enjoy my food. But I can always tell when I'm being stared at by people. I sometimes wonder what they are thinking. But that thought is fleeting and quickly disappears. It is rare that I get self-conscious about it.

There is one time where I got slightly self-conscious about it. There was this Denny's I went to frequently while I lived in Ogden. It was nice and quiet and rarely busy. I would show up, get a cup of coffee, have some eggs and enjoy the general peace of the place. The background noise of a restaurant was almost soothing. Anyway, I remember one morning I got sat on a side of the restaurant that I didn't normally sit. I thought it was odd for a moment but ordered my coffee and eggs without really taking notice. I sipped on my coffee for a second and just glanced at my surroundings. I counted 6 other guys sitting alone at different tables on the same side of the restaurant as me. They were just doing the same thing I was. Enjoying a breakfast.....I think. I looked at the other side of the restaurant and realized the other side of the restaurant was full of tables with multiple people on them. It was like being segregated. Socially acceptable on one side, weird loner guys on the other. When I looked at these other men I noticed they were all in their late 40's to early 60's. They all had a somewhat sad look about them. They looked unkempt and sleepless. They all chatted up the server as much as they could before the server would find an excuse to get back to work. They all had aviators in the pocket of their flannel shirts. (Yes all of them had flannel shirts and aviators. No joke.) They looked............Lonely. Sad. Desperate for a human connection. I was in my scrubs and had at least looked ready for the day. But then I noticed I had aviators in my shirt pocket. I remember thinking at that moment "Looks like I'm the newest member of an elite club." I looked on myself and realized I too was lonely. I was in a strange city separated from my friends and family. I missed them dearly. But then I realized, it was all just a coincidence. I have always worn aviators. I still do see my friends and family, just not as often. And I probably would have been eating at that Denny's whether I was separated from my friends and family. I didn't chat up the servers every chance I had. I'm not doing this out of loneliness. I've just always done this because I like it. My circumstances happened to make me lonely. Ogden sucked.

I like going places to browse at items I can never purchase alone. It's more socially acceptable and most people don't think twice about it. In a way, I feel that it makes me more self-sufficient to things like this alone. I enjoy the company of others. I love my friends and family deeply. But I feel better knowing that if I can't hang out with them, that I can manage on my own if I have to. I never realized how much I did on my own until I talked with my friends last night. I was talking about the restaurants I had tried and the stores I had been to. They asked always asked "Who did you go with there?" I just nonchalantly replied "just me." My friends were somewhat shocked. Even my closest friends had no idea I was such a loner. My friends and I go to a lot of places. I guess I just never realized how many other places I go without them.

I tried the restaurant Chipotle today. I was craving a burrito and that was the only place open. I decided to give it a shot. Of course, I was on my own but I didn't think anything of it. I ordered my burrito, found a table and started eating. I kept noticing glances from people within the restaurant looking at me and quickly looking away when I noticed them. I sat in the back near the exit. The girl who served my burrito was washing tables with a co-worker. I heard her say to her friend "Why is he alone? I hope he is waiting for a friend. It's kind of sad." I just rolled my eyes. Why did it have to be sad? I was enjoying my food.

There was a divider in the middle of the restaurant that unnecessarily split the place in half. On the other side of the wall was a family eating. A pair of small eyes and fingers peered over at me from the other side of the wall. Then behind me from the other side of the wall. This little girl kept looking over at me. I thought it was cute. She had to have been 6 or 7 years old. As I finished my food, she finally stood next to me and said "Why are you eating alone?" I smiled and said "Because I like to." She asked "Where is your family?" I kept smiling "At home. Enjoying the day off. Where is your family?" She pointed to the other side of the wall. Her mom quickly came over and apologized and asked if she was bothering me. I smiled and said no.

Then the girl said "I think you're funny. You don't care about nothing. You're nice. Why do you like eating alone?" (She said this all with her hands behind her back, twisting back and forth with the biggest smile.)

I replied, "Because if I wasn't eating alone you wouldn't have talked to me and made my day better."

She giggled and ran back to her family. She said goodbye to me as she walked out of the restaurant.

It was a great weekend. Today has been good to me, but now it's going to be better.