In a Funk

I'm not talking about the kind of funk you get when you want to get jiggy to a real sweet 70's-esque tune. No, I'm talking more about a rut. A hole. A real tough spot. I haven't really been able to define this funk/rut necessarily. I only know that it exists to just make my life miserable, tired and worn. I feel trapped.................or lost inside. That would be a better way to put it. Lost.

Nothing has really happened to trigger this in particular. I've just been busy. School. Work. Sleep. Repeat. I haven't had a whole lot of time for much else. I haven't been fishing in two months now. I think that has played a huge role in this. I haven't gone out to do the one activity that helps me blow off steam. The one activity that brings me peace and joy. I haven't really been out with my friends a lot. A few times, but not often. I miss them. I haven't really had an adventure. I've just been kind of stuck where I am. I keep thinking I'm going to get out and do something grand. But it hasn't panned out thus far. I was supposed to be in San Diego this week, but that fell through on the count of the fact that I couldn't risk the days off from both school and work. I'm still aiming to go to Seattle in the next couple of weeks, though I haven't bought my plane ticket yet. Kind of cutting it close unfortunately. Maybe I won't be able to go. Though I badly need the break I'm not sure if I can manage it financially.

Adventure. That's what I need. I'm not talking about a big adventure or a mischievous one that is reminiscent of my youth. My needs for adventure have been much simpler in the past couple of years. I just need out. I need to express myself in a way that can't be expressed by pen, paper, keyboard, words or song. I just need outdoors. I just need out to see the world for just even a glimmering moment perhaps. I'm not picky. Just anything. I need something that reminds me that life doesn't always have to be so hard, so tiring  and so demeaning. I need something to remind me that there is some joy out there. I need a reminder that I should keep going no matter how worn my spirit and now matter how difficult the journey. I just need a reminder. A sign. Something to show me that a shred of what makes me human still exists. Something to show me that I'm not just an empty shell coasting along the seas of life. Something that brings me meaning and validation. Is it too much to ask? Am I truly this far lost that this is what it has come to? Or is this just the built up stress talking and I'm just being a baby? I guess I can't say soundly for sure just yet. Either answer isn't simple or pleasant.

For every one hope I have, there is a million doubts cast upon it. For every happy moment I have to remember, there is a thousand more unhappy moments that stick with me more. For every achievement I have, there is trillion failures to overshadow it. More than anything do I want to live up to be the man I've led everyone to believe that I would be. More than anything I would like to believe in the things I thought were possible earlier in life but now seem less possible. More than anything do I wish I had the strength, honor, compassion to carry on like all the people in my life that I admire. Yet despite my strengths, my weaknesses show through. Despite some courage, my cowardice takes over. Despite well meaning intentions, my actions are always weak. Despite my spirit, my strength is underwhelming.

I keep thinking to walk tall and keep my chin up. I keep thinking to keep my head above the water before I drown and am consumed in darkness. I keep thinking to pick myself up again and shake it off. I keep thinking that if I tough it out, it will all be worth it in the end. It turns out that I can't walk very tall, or swim very well, or work up the strength to pick myself up, or summon enough moxy to endure any of this.


I just wish.......I just wish I had more time. More time to enjoy my youth, to see the world, to see my friends, to see my family. Just wish I had more of everything so I never felt deficient in anything. I just wish I had what it took to make people proud of who I am and what I've become. But no wishes will help. No effort will compensate. No skill would be enough. I don't feel ok. I don't feel alright. Nothing is alright. Nothing is ok. I am weak and the world knows it. It's like everyone knows something that I don't. As if everyone gets let in on this grand secret while I'm somewhere else, unaware of the world. As if everyone out there is just waiting for me to "get it" and I never do. I just never get it. I may get close, but I just never seem to get what everyone else knows. What everyone else is talking about. Am I really that oblivious? Am I really that inept and stupid? I hope that I'm wrong.


Even Bambi got back up when he got shot by a deer rifle at the end of the movie. How is it that I'm weaker?