If I Was a Superhero........

Everyone has dreamed of being a superhero at least once in their life. After watching a superhero movie, everyone always says "I wish I had (insert preferred powers here) so I could (insert ludicrous scenario here)." I know I'm certainly guilty of it. In fact, I've thought about it too much recently. I have all the details thought out. Right down to the exact type of bad guys I would fight.

Oh yes, if I was a superhero, it would be grand. It's hard to say exactly what kind of powers I would have. I wouldn't be able to choose just one. Knowing my luck, I would most likely have the least awesome of super powers. Powers that no one else would have or want. For example, one of my many powers would be to have the ability to summon minor B-list celebrities to my aid! That sounds pretty useless. But what supervillian would expect that? None of them!

Scenario:

Supervillain: It's all over for you J-Dub (my superhero name). You don't have anyone to help you now. I will be the manager of this mall forever! Bwah ha ha ha ha! 
(Maybe the guy isn't a supervillain, maybe he is just an incompetent dumbass. But someone still needs to fight those types of douchebags)

J-Dub: Not so fast! I summon Pat Sajak, Alex Trebek and Bob Barker to my aid! (They will ideally appear out of thin air or burst through the ceiling.)

Supervillain: Oh wow! I'm your biggest fan to all of you, you have no idea! Will you sign my chest?!

While the villain is stunned by the minor celebrities presence, I will sneak up on him and kick them square in the junk. Social crime would be crushed along with his testicles.



I'll admit that is a pretty lame superpower. But it's not the superpower that's important. It's the bad guys. I would like to fight for a city where the bad guys have poor fashion choices and are easy to identify. They would all dress the same and look fairly close alike. Ideally, they would have uni-brows and perpetual 5 o'clock shadow facial hair. Also, if they were all wearing the 1920's striped jail uniforms, that would be convenient as well. Easy identification of a villain and henchmen would be key to my superhero success. In the movies, the bad guy is always equally skilled in hand to hand combat as the hero. In order for me to be a successful superhero, this could not happen. My villains would have to be terrible at fighting in order for me to win consistently. Hopefully, they would have some sort of mental or physical impairment that would make it easy for me to overcome them with my weak male physique. It would also help for them to be gullible and stupid enough that I can just talk them out of not fighting me instead. I can just use my powers of persuasion to convince them that fighting me would just exhaust them physically and the rest of their day would be wasted resting up after the event. (Persuasion would be another superpower of mine that no other superhero has).

I would pretty much be the laziest superhero of all time. Conversely, the city I would be fighting for would have to be equally lazy and stupid to not be able to fend off these imbecile villains themselves. Knowing this city is full of lazy idiots, I would use my powers of persuasion to convince the city to handsomely compensate me for all of my work fighting crime. No superhero has done that before. I would be the first to economically sucker a city into paying me for mediocre work. I imagine the Justice League and other heroes who work only for the concept of justice would frown upon this greatly. However, I believe they would just be mad or jealous because they didn't think about it first. Spiderman, had his opportunities to capitalize on his good deeds and failed to make good on it. Batman doesn't need the money since Bruce Wayne already makes a ton of money. However, I'm sure if he could, Ol' Bruce would find way to launder the money to this corporation so that he has extra funds for his expensive bat-themed operations. Superman wouldn't need the money, though I'm sure he would like to have it so Clark Kent doesn't have to have such a poor dating life with Lois. For once, he could show her the good life instead of taking her out for meager dinners and cute dates on his meager journalist salary. The X-Men get all their funds through Professor X who somehow manages to get money from his students, but probably doesn't get any sort of financial help from the government. It probably wouldn't hurt them to get some extra cash. But alas, I would still be the lone wolf getting paid for my crime fighting.



This has to be the nerdiest blog I've written in a long time. I found it in my draft section dating back to April of 2008. I decided to finish it for lack of better ideas to write about.