I'm a lot more outspoken and blunt than I was in high school. I would speak my mind, but I wouldn't be as blunt or realistic. I was a realist, but I spared people the details. I felt like I was limiting myself.
Something changed somewhere along the way. When I speak my mind, it's with full force of details, and bluntness. Nothing and no one is spared. I don't do it to be mean, or do it to get a kick out of it. I don't do it when it's not my business or push my opinion on anyone. Most of the time, I end up being right. (Not to sound like an arrogant prick or get on some condescending trip.)
I was brought up to not believe everything I heard. I was taught to be skeptical but not completely paranoid or distrusting. Those teachings have served me well and saved me more trouble than I can possibly imagine. The choices I made in the past weren't the easiest ones, but they were the right ones. It wasn't until late middle school did I really put this all into practice. I wasn't as blunt then. I would turn my observations into something more witty than blunt. I still do that frequently, but the difference is, when I need to be serious, I stay in that mode.
To some people, it's refreshing that I'm realistic. To others, I'm being a terrible pessimist. Both are probably correct but they both have faults. The ones who think it's ok for me to be refreshingly realistic are the ones who are more blunt than I. They use their realistic views to bring other people down who were just fine where they were. The ones who think I'm a pessimist are the ones who don't like what they hear because the truth hurts. They often don't like seeing things as they are. There is nothing wrong with that to a certain extent. It's a filter for some people who are fragile or not ready to hear some things they need to figure out on their own. But for others, they depend on it as a shield to get them through life. To not see things as they are because they cannot bring themselves to face them. I'm not talking about optimists in general. Most optimists are levelheaded.
But I'm starting to discover a double edge sword with my the mindset I've had for so long. People frequently ask me for advice because they think a realistic opinion will help. (I'm just as surprised as you. I wouldn't come to me for advice.) They ask for my "totally" honest opinion. I forewarn them each time that they may not like what I have to say because it's not what they want to hear. I tell them, I'm not going to hold back and they should be aware of that. Each time, they say "Oh, I don't care. I really want to hear what you have to say." Which translates into "Tell me what I want to hear." Fair warning, wouldn't you say? I go right on ahead with my thoughts, straight to the point. I'm not doing them any favors by telling them what they want to hear because that doesn't help in most cases. Each time, the person is disappointed and secretly angry. How dare I say that?! That's not the way they think it is, therefore it is not to them. Sometimes they are right and I'm totally wrong. Maybe I was being a pessimist or saw the situation from a wrong angle. That rarely happens.
Why ask for my honest opinion if you know ahead of time that it's going to be blunt and honest? Why ask, if you know like everyone else that I'm going to put everything on the table and tell it like it is? They know each time that I'm notorious for this. They've heard me give advice to other people before in the exact same context and even agree with what I say. If there is a lot of crap you don't want to face, and you ask me for advice knowing I'm going to bring ALL of that up then get mad, why are you wasting your time? Suddenly, I'm the bad guy, and I'm wrong. I'm the asshole who just "doesn't get it." Then it turns out, surprise surprise! I was right all along. How could that be? I had little emotional or biased attachment to the situation, how could I possibly see everything without being influenced by complex irrational emotions? Hmmmm.
It's frustrating! Don't ask me for my opinion if you KNOW I'm going to say things you're not going to like. You KNOW that I'm not going to spare your feelings completely just because it's hard to accept some things. You KNOW my exact philosophy with telling this kind of advice. I do not feel like I'm doing you favors if I'm telling you what you want to hear because it's comfortable. Don't tell me to speak my mind when your mind isn't listening anyway. Don't tell me to speak my mind when your mind is already made up. You're wasting both of our time.
Speaking my mind has gotten me in trouble several times with family, friends, relationships, co-workers. Just about everyone. This should be an obvious sign for me to shut up and leave things alone. But I can't. Especially, if I'm asked to speak my mind. I'm not going to pass up an opportunity to voice my opinion if I think it can help, or if I'm defending myself, or someone close. Perhaps I should tone it down and be more mindful of people's feelings and what they are ready to hear and accept. Unfortunately for me, that's hard. I feel that a realistic look can help people realize and accept hard truths when they can't face them. They won't tell it to themselves because it hurts. In a lot of cases, if someone else realizes the hard truths they supress, they eventually come to accept them since they have been brought into the light. Sadly enough, this makes me sound like the town gossip that people hate. Makes me sound like the prissy bitch gossip girl that everyone tends to love and hate. I don't want to be that guy. I DON'T have all the answers and I never will. I'm not perfect and it's even hard for me to practice what I preach. I know my limits and I know when I'm wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong (I can be stubborn, but I know when I've been beat).
Maybe I should be more mindful of peoples feelings in more situations and not be so hard and blunt. Maybe I should give advice based on the person instead of one size fits all kind of mentality. We shall see. But in the meantime it's a curse that's put me in trouble when it shouldn't have.
Sorry to those I've offended with my past advice.
1 comment:
Indeed it is a hard habit to break, but I do believe in some situations it is better to not be so blunt. I definitely think you know what situations and certain people you need to tone things down with. So maybe changing won't be as hard as you thought. :)
Either way I love you, blunt or not.
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