Games and Puzzles

Maybe I'm just a product of my braindead, wifi-powered generation but I've never cared much for board games, card games or puzzles. On occasion, I can play them and have fun. But playing such games more than 5 times a year is more than enough for me.

Let's start with puzzles, crosswords, and sudoku. Puzzles are ok. Putting together a picture has never been my idea of fun. More than that, I hate taking them apart after I'm finished. It seems like such a waste of work and time if I'm just going to take it apart once I'm finished. And don't you dare suggest that I glue the puzzle together so I can frame it. What am I? A serial killer? I don't care for crosswords or sudoku either. Both games breed pretentiousness virulently. Any person who openly admits to playing these games without being asked or prompted inevitably follows that up with sentences like "It help keeps my mind sharp," or worse "It helps increase my illustrious vocabulary....... I learned the word illustrious yesterday thanks to the crosswords." Or the worst offense of them all is "It makes me feel super smart. I notice a big difference in my intelligence when I do them." While studies do show that puzzles of these kinds do help keep your mind sharp and also help stave off dementia and Alzheimers, the risk of developing into a heinous douchebag as a result is simply too great of a risk for me to ignore. I'll take my chances with debilitating brain plaque, thank you very much.

Board games just foster contempt, especially if you're competitive like most people claim to be. Want to know a person's true colors? Have them play Monopoly with you. You will truly see someone's cut throat nature when competing for fake currency and land. People will not hesitate to run you into bankruptcy and rape your self-esteem in this strategic family game of hate. Although the stakes are technically low since winning or losing money and property don't affect the course of your real life, the mental effects stay with you for a lifetime. I'm betting you can think of at least one game of Monopoly that got a little too heated for your comfort as you read this. If you haven't had a game like that yet, just wait. Your time is coming.

Card games bore the holy shit out of me. Sure there is just about equal parts strategy and luck involved. But when I find myself holding cards in my hand for more than 45 minutes, I begin to wonder "Why do I even care about this again?" Card games often take both time and a pinch of talent to learn. I lack both in vast amounts. I've tried giving all variations of card games a try with some success. But most of the time I just shrug my shoulders and find something else to do. Something that doesn't require me to be frustrated and pissed off for the rest of the day.