Shields Are Down

In advance, I apologize for this writing. It will be a whiny kind of lame one that most of you won't care to read anyway. But I need to vent.

It's been an interesting few weeks. A failed trip to Chicago. Two of my best friends going out of state for school. Me losing a ton of weight. A lot has happened. I haven't felt stressed. But then again, I've also been well rested.

When I lose sleep, I really lose grip of reality. All the crap that I keep under wraps by logically and rationally talk myself out of, suddenly gets to me 10x what it should. Everything bothers me. It feels like everyone is against me. I fail more often. I fail harder. It's as if my shields are down and I'm vulnerable to everything. What normally reflects off of me or gets absorbed by logic is suddenly a new wound or scar.

I'm bad at losing as it is. When I fail at something I'm good at, (whether it's a game, skill, or knowledge) it feels like missing the winning point of a game. The winning touchdown at the buzzer. The winning field goal at the end of the 4th quarter. The winning 3 point shot at the end of the game. And not just any games but the proverbial finals, the Superbowl, the World Cup. Every time I fail at something, it feels like that. Normally, I keep it all in my head and get my shit together. When I'm tired, all bet's are off. I'm an emotional wreck.

In general, it's been an emotional few weeks. I've heard encouraging, heart-felt words from close friends and even co-workers. The last time I hung out with Kevin alone before he left to law school was the first time I almost cried on a second's notice in years. He had said something to me that really struck home. Something personal. Something that meant the world to hear. Tears welled up in my eyes for a moment but I kept it together and held it back. I don't think he noticed, and I'm glad he didn't. I'm stronger than that. The other day I was talking with a doctor I work with about my career options. It was a great and informative talk about what routes I could go in medicine. It came up where they had asked, if I considered pre-med. I said yes but I had given that up. They said, "Well that's too bad. I've heard a lot of good things from other people about you. It sounds like you could be a great doctor from what I've heard." All I remember at that moment was how weak I felt. I wanted to hug them and say "thank you." Obviously that would be stunningly awkward for such a seemingly innocuous comment.

I thought I had buried the pre-med endeavor and accepted the death of my delusional ambition. But it's like the drug I can't put down. The concept is too appealing to me. I just wish I knew what to do with my life and what I was capable of doing school-wise. It seems to be too much sometimes.

This is such a random tangent. I feel as though everything is out of check. A good night's rest will bring me back to sanity and rationality. A long vacation would bring me back to life.