Pre-Writing

I've always somehow managed to convince myself that I'm unable to write a paper unless I writing something else before. It's a shoddy lie at best. Even I don't believe it. I know I'm just stalling.

Stalling.

That's what I'm doing.

Stalling.

I should be writing a paper that I don't care about, despite the subject being about football. But I can't.

I've also managed to convince myself that if I try to write this paper before I'm ready, all kinds of horrible side effects will ensue. Undesirable side effects.

The bad kind.


Hairy palms. Sweaty palms. Constipation. Diarrhea. Priapism. Impotence. Blindness. Hypersensitivity to light. Nausea. Extreme hunger. Socializing with strangers. Stroke. Heart attack. Rapid unibrow growth. Ass cancer. Sudden allergy to coffee. Frequent urge to urinate. Urinary retention. Irritability. Friendliness.

Well I can't have any of that. I have a paper to write. How can I possibly be expected to concentrate with those types of symptoms dogging me? Short answer: I can't.........Nay, I shouldn't. It would be an academic mockery if I were to write under those types of conditions. No writer worth their salt writes like that. Well I want to be worth my fucking salt.

Speaking of salt. Why is anything worth their salt? Salt is good but it's essentially worthless. It's in everything from milk, bread and about 98% of foods made in America. Doesn't that make it less of a worthwhile quantity if it's used so frivolously? If it just disappeared it would be a bummer. Or if there were some sort of shortage. But I don't see salt becoming a hot demand anytime soon since it's in everything already.


I'm totally not feeling the whole writing vibe right now. This hasn't warmed me up at all. It's like the quarterback taking practice throws before the game, but all those practice throws went wayward and hit spectators instead. Or the pitcher throwing practice pitches, only to find that he was nailing the catcher in the face or the nuts. I'm a despondent athlete of writing. Warm-ups don't help. Coffee isn't helping. Everything is a distraction. My computer. My watch. This window. My phone. My cup of coffee that is too fucking hot to touch. My water bottle as I inspect it for floaty things that have no business being in my water. This desk, because now I realized it's dirty which is having me long for a rag or sanitation wipe to clean it up with. This music, which Pandora is on some sort of Smiths kick today. I love the Smiths but I have like 12 stations on shuffle. Why are you playing the Smiths constantly? Even when I have it on the Smiths radio, I don't get this much Smiths, so what's the big fucking deal Pandora? I need variety. Quench my thirst for variety by not giving me 45 minutes worth of mostly the Smiths.

Additionally, I need more coffee. I haven't drank all mine yet because the cup is too hot, but I already know I'm going to need a enough coffee to jump-start Peru's economy single handedly. Caffeine is my secret weapon against myself. It focuses me, but I seem to have built a resistance to it the last couple of days. Which blows my nads. I need coffee to work for me today. Not when it bloody well feels like it.


Now I feel the sudden urge to just go out and take pictures of things. I fucking hate photography. I don't like taking pictures. I don't like being in pictures. I don't find it fun or amusing. Yet I have now suddenly convinced myself that this activity would be fun. Why? Because it would beat writing this paper. I would do photography in my free time and convince myself that I like it to keep me from writing this paper. That's exactly what I would do.

For those of you who might have wondered what goes through my head sometimes, this is it.

Sad, huh?