Behind

(Side note: I wrote this blog about 4 days ago but decided not to publish it since it was such a downer subject. But now that I'm not so full of confusion and rage, I realized that even though readers hate reading this, it's nice for me to look back on these types of things. It helps me remember certain things. It's nice look back at writings like this and see improvement. So for those who read this all the way, sorry it's similar to the rest of the postings of this same familiar subject. However, it will be immediately followed by a happier blog.)



Maybe it's just the winter spirit that's bringing me down. I've been sick for the past 9 days. I'm sure that doesn't help. Lately, I haven't felt right. That feeling of missing something is returning with a vengeance. I think all the little things around me have built up enough to remind me of where I am in life.

With each passing day at work, I feel more burned out. I care less about anything. I'm beginning to hate my job somewhat. I feel like a tool. An unappreciated used up piece of equipment. Everything I do feels meaningless and thankless. No sense of respect. This is all exacerbated by watching two techs become nurses. Rather than being equals, I am taking orders from them. It made me think to myself, "have I really been here that long that I've seen them start and finish nursing school? And here I am, no where closer to finishing anything." Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. they are out of a crappy job and into a better one with pay, responsibility and stability. I guess it just feels like the world is moving forward and I'm still in one place, completely inert. I hate hearing people tell me that I'm the best tech. I don't want to be the best tech. Who wants to be the best at a mediocre job where no one respects you. No one sees you as smart or clinically useful. Just a resource to benefit other staff. It's like being the best person who ever won a bronze medal. It's that sad.

This has all made me rethink for the billionth time where I'm going. The answer I keep coming up with is no where. But I don't want to be a tech. I don't want to be an EMT. I don't want to take orders all my life. I don't want to do meaningless work. The thought of going to be a paramedic has crossed my mind a couple of times. At least it might go somewhere. At least it will be moving forward right? Wrong. Why would I do that? I don't want to be a paramedic. I don't want to work on an ambulance. I want to work in a hospital. But being a paramedic in a hospital is useless in this state. So that doesn't matter. School is kicking my ass. I just can't win. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know who or what I want to be. I don't know what to expect of myself. I can't be like this forever. I can't stay in this shitty job till I die. I've got to figure something out. Anything. Something. I wish I could just quit my job, take out a bunch of student loans and just concentrate on school. Just be done with it. But that wouldn't work. It would never work.

I can't help but feel like this could be what I was meant to do. That I've been sentenced to a life of mediocrity, watching everyone pass me up and change while I stay in one place and stay the same. I want to change, and yet everything I do keeps in place. I want to move on. I want to be somebody. But all that I seem to accomplish is writing whiny blogs about this same subject about 40 times a year.