News of the Past

As I was eating dinner last night, my mom casually mentioned that she had talked to the mothers of many of my childhood friends last weekend. Apparently, she talked to most of them during the yard sale she held at the house. She told me all the things that had been going on with the friends who had greatly influenced many years of my life.

One or two were married off it seems. But they were more acquaintances than anything. It shocked me more to hear about some of my closest friends of childhood. So much tragedy in such little time and relatively early in their youth. A little disappointment and a slight bit of anger came over me. Many of the friends I shared about a decade of my life with, went on to make heartbreaking decisions with their lives.

It's strange to look back on them. Their faces haven't aged past the age of 16 in my memory. Still youthful. Still young enough to be somewhat innocent and naive even though the present reality dictates differently. I think of how they shaped who I was, and who I am now. But I realized more importantly, they shaped who I am not. If I had stayed friends with those people, who would I be now? Would I have made the same mistakes? Or would my stubborn personality still be too strong to let me follow suit? It's hard to say.

Their faces haunt my dreams monthly. In my dreams, we share a surreal reality where nothing has changed. A surreality where we can always meet and be the people we once were. Living in a time where we believed in each other and anything was possible for all of us. We act as though nothing has changed and the weight of the world hasn't yet changed us or negatively influenced our decisions. Easily once a month, I have dreams of these old friends and the way things used to be. Although, I have physically and emotionally moved on from that time, my unconscious mind seems to be stuck in the past. The dreams reoccur and I don't know why.

In my more philosophical moments, I have always stuck with one ideal that brings me comfort. From the past, dead or alive, what was and what was not, the hands we held and left behind, the people we once cherished the most are never truly gone from us permanently. For in the comfort of sleep, we can always meet again in our dreams, whether we want to or not.

These meetings in my dream are usually non-sequitur in nature. Usually they make no sense and have no meaning. Every now and then, I wake up sad to have left the innocent surreality. Other times I wake up stricken with guilt that things had gone the way they had. In other instances, I wake up feeling positive that I have a false sense of power to visit the times of happiness when I was young.

I have no special regard for those younger years of my life, in all honesty. Most of the years I was unhappy being in middle school and high school. Hating it almost every second of the way. There was only a few good times that I felt kept me going. I don't look back on those times and think "I wish I could go back to that." Truth be told, I was miserable back then and wouldn't go back for anything in the world. I'm happier now in my early adult life than I ever was. I don't care for "dream interpretation" as I tend to lump it in the same categories as astrology, new age medicine and Greek mythology. There is no closure I desire or any mysteries I need answers to. My dreams are the product of a coincidence that I can't control.

My past friends are just that, the past. Their influence on me is priceless and has led me to many positive directions in my life. I don't envy anything that has happened to them now. I find with the friends I have had now for the past 8 years have been the best. I find myself frequently envying their talents and qualities. I am lucky to have the friends I have now and will hopefully continue to have.

But still, having the knowledge of their current lives leaves me in thought. I can't help but wonder to some degree how much different things would be if we had all stayed friends.