Yes thats right! Another blog about surveys. Yet another pathetic attempt to seem witty with an old concept I've used before. I'm an uncreative hack, ok! But this time the survey won't be one of my concoction. I have hand picked these questions from surveys I have seen the past little bit. I will then destroy these questions with my bitterness and utter disdain for humanity. Sit back and enjoy.
1.What is the last thing you put in your mouth?
Seriously, this is one of the dumbest questions I've seen on a survey in a while. Obviously made to bring out sexual inuendo. Perhaps truth. But no self-respecting person is going to honestly put for the world to see "my boyfriends cock." Or even "hmmmm I was just fooling around with my lover so I'm going to have to say that the last thing in my mouth was genitals."
2. Done anything you regret lately?
"Hmmmm, should I let the world know I did something regrettable recently? Oh geeze, all I did was kill a hooker and drive a school bus full of children into the brick side of a Wal-Mart. I guess I can say I regret that." Seriously, people blow goats. No one is going to tell you descriptively if they did something they regret lately on a damn survey. "Oh I fucked this guy that worked at a soup kitchen in a drunken stupor at 3 in the afternoon. That's not embarrassing or regrettable."
3. Do you have any secrets?
Certainly I do. I've kept them secret from my family, friends and the law but I guess I'll tell this neutral survey that will be posted for everyone I know to see. Does anyone know a person who put a dark secret on a survey out of no where so casually? Do you have any secrets? "I sure do and I'm going to let the world know on this survey that I raped a cat in front of my grandma last thanksgiving."
4. What does the (insert random number here) text say in your phone?
Even if something bad was said on the said number of text, no one is going to honestly put it up there. "Yeah the 7th text in my phone is from this girl I that I'm dating and it says "hey cutie, when I see you tonight, be prepared. Hope you have lube handy because I'm going to have my strapon handy."
5. Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
Everyone and their fucking dog has myspace. The person you are dating is likely to have access to this survey! Who would answer this question truthfully without thinking it wouldn't lead to a giant fight? Because chances are if the answer is yes, you're probably in a relationship or getting out of one. "oh yeah I'm thinking of that one guy I experimented with last week in the back of my AMC Gremlin. My girlfriend won't think that's odd at all." Get lives people and quit looking for entertaining drama on a myspace survey!
6. What are your biggest fears?
Hey myspace stalkers, let me share with you my deepest fears in public so you can one day use them against me when I'm alone at home. I'm deathly afraid of people in hockey masks and butcher knives and people with the intent to rape me. Fuck people. Really.
7. Do you wish any of your ex's would die?
A bad break up is one thing, but wishing for your ex to die I think is going too far. That's a pretty strong wish. There's very few instances I can think of where I feel that such feelings would even be remotely appropriate. Such as smothering your old man in his sleep while you microwave a hot pocket downstairs completely oblivious. Or maybe even if your ex crashed your car, stole your money, used it to fund terrorist feminists, left unidentifiable body fluids on all your pillows, and took advantage of your drunk sibling during a board game themed sleepover. Seriously, even if you wish your ex would die, keep that shit to yourself anyway you moron. You're screwed up, get help.
8.Is cheating ever okay?
Here is another question that guarantees a fight with someone your close with (dating, relationship, etc) Does anyone expect someone to answer that question with "Only if that person is incredibly hot and easy and knows how to keep a secret."
9. Ever laughed so hard you shit your pants?
This is the type of question, if answered yes, that signals to everyone else "let's never be friends." I can't think of a single instance where I might have shit myself as a result of something being incredibly humorous. If someone I didn't know well told me they shit themselves because they laughed hard, I would immediately evacuate the area so I'm no where near their pants-shitting personality. Who knows, I might just tell the golden joke and have a mess on my hands. No one would ever answer that truthfully.
10. Do you hate anything about yourself?
People who like to share their insecurities that openly are just asking to get destroyed by someone at the nearest opportune time. "I hate my nose and the way my mom calls me fat." Somehow they are surprised when someone uses it against them when they do something stupid. As if they weren't even supposed to know! "Well your nose is big and fat and your mom is right about you, you are fat." Oh No, all the things I hate about myself being used against me. How could that have been prevented. Oh life is pain!
So what I'm getting across here is, stop looking for interesting drama or facts about people on their surveys. What do you expect?! I mean seriously? No one answers the really personal questions. Stop wasting your time thinking you're going to find something juicy about someone you probably barely know. Now that I've destroyed your fun and hopes. I will return to working the remainder of my shift.
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