Life is full of givings we take for granted every day. It can range from our health to the kindness of a close friend. From the love of a family member to the selfless unrecognized kindness of a stranger. Even with all the great givings in this world, there is unfortunately a fair share of partings.
My great grandmother has not been well lately. She fractured her femur back in May trying to get out of bed. Her health has been poor for years and was only getting worse with each passing day. Her fall came as a harsh reminder that our family may soon have to part with it's eldest and most cared for member. After being admitted to the local hospital in Idaho days after the incident took place, there came a difficult decision.
Surgery.
She had a 10% chance of walking again without surgery and 20% with surgery. Before she fell, she rarely walked as it was. Her overall health made it difficult to walk and be active. My Grandfather and his brother (her sons) decided to go with the surgery much to the dismay of my dad and I. Elderly people typically don't recover well from surgery. Their bodies simply don't have the energy to repel infection and recover from the anesthesia. My great grandmother is in her late 80's. I knew the coming months would not go well for her. From my grandfather's stand point, I realize he just wants to give her the chance to walk and live out her life. And perhaps to escape the guilt that if he didn't go with the surgery, maybe he would be cheating her of an extended and able life. From a realistic stand point, she rarely walked before the fracture and the surgery would be a larger health risk as the doctors had warned.
The surgery did not go well. Her bones were too brittle. Her femur was fractured several more times during the operation. She had to go in for a second operation in order to repair the additional damage done. After the operation, the bigger worry was blood loss and the possibility of fatty substances causing a clot. Luckily, none of that happened. However, she never fully recovered from the anesthesia. She was often confused and would rarely make sense. In the following months, they would put her in a nursing home so she would be under constant supervision. Her mental status was deteriorating. Though her speech was coherent, her sentences had no relevance. The facility found it difficult to treat her appropriately. Her confused state made her combative and uncooperative. It weakend her substantially and only got worse from there.
I recently found out last week that her condition has gone beyond the help of her nursing facility. Another difficult decision was made to not put in a feeding tube. The decision from there was to put her on hydration fluids only and keep her as comfortable as possible. She is slowly dying.
As my great grandmother's life is starting to come to an end, I realize that mine is truly at the beginning. I regret that her and I had not been closer. Though I have lived in Utah my entire life while she lived in Idaho for hers, I regret not taking more time to get to know her. She served as the matriarch of my family. At every single reunion and family event, I rarely took the time to talk to her. I wish now that I had taken the time to benefit from her 85 years of life. Hearing what she had learned, hearing about the life she lived, hearing how she made it through tough times. I never took the opportunity to benefit from the wisdom of our most beloved family member.
Advice and wisdom is one of the most priceless and cherished commodity we have on Earth. Secondary to love I think. I have seen and learned a lot in my 20 years of life. A lot of what I've learned has helped make me who I am now, and will likely help determine the man I will grow up to be for the remainder of my life. I would like to share more of what I have learned as I did in the previous blog. I hope that some of what I say has some sort of meaning or substanance to someone. I would never want to die knowing that I didn't make a difference or what I learned in my life could have helped someone better their own life, whether I knew it or not. I hope that what I have learned can mean as much to someone else as it does to me.
Control is not just over other people or objects. Control is something you must learn to do for yourself. Not just outward emotions like anger or extreme happiness. But being able to control your impulsive wants. Being able to control your adaption to change. Being in control of who you are and where you're going. No one else controls that but you. Unless you want someone else to. Then you become nobody in your own eyes.
If you give 100% effort, then you can expect 100% results, good or bad. If you give yourself to somebody 150% then you get nothing in return. Not because you're not good enough, but because you made it too easy.
If you spend too much time wondering about the what if's, the what should have been's, and the what could have been's, then you spend too much time not preventing those questions in the future.
Expecting things to just "work out" with no effort is one thing. Being severely disappointed that nothing worked itself out is another. In the long run, nothing just happens without effort aside from the coincidences that make life interesting. Life is only what you make it.
Revenge is a road that will take you in circles. If you take revenge on someone, the person who you did it to will seek it upon you. If not them, then someone very close to them. Then you will feel like you have to get them back and the cycle repeats.
Selfishness can leave a person empty inside. Not because they don't get what they want when they want it. But because they blame their selfish actions on someone else.
If you want something, you can TRY to achieve it. Even if you do your best, you may not get what you want. As it turns out, life isn't always about getting what you want.
You can doubt what you truly believe in. Whether it be family, friends, love, religion, etc. It doesn't hurt anyone until you let it consume you. Then you start doubting yourself.
You can't depend on someone else too heavily to give you meaning, give you a reason to get out of bed, or give you a reason to live your life happily. Then you're giving someone else too much power to live and take the life you have been given. If you don't take the time to live life for yourself, then you'll be used.
You can never be truly alone in life unless you let yourself be. The only person who can you make you lonely is you. Blaming everyone else for your lack of effort to change your situation is selfish and egotistical. Nothing and no one just comes to you.
It's not my best words of advice. But I know they aren't useless either. I hope that one day, I can feel like I've truly reached out and helped other people. Not just through my writing, but through my regular behavior and other endeavors.
Thank you for reading.
Ps. I apologize to everyone in advance if I become moody as the days go by. These next couple of weeks will not be easy. I have been waiting sullenly and silently to hear of my grandmothers passing away. It's a moment I am not looking forward to.
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