It's interesting how I have felt this week. It's the beginning of a new semester and I've never felt so charged to just get it over with. I think a sense of responsibility is overcoming me that I have only rarely felt. Not that I'm irresponsible, but I suppose it's in a different sense that I feel like I'm taking control of an aspect of my life. My future.
My classes are simple this semester. They are just ridiculously pointless and full of busy work. It doesn't worry me so much. I know I can do it. I just want to get it over with so I can go to the U and start working on something I actually want to do. More than ever do I realize what that is.
My sister had taken 2 trips in a row to the emergency room this week. Just out of no where she had trouble breathing. Her skin got puffy and she had severe abdominal pain. Her mental status changed. I was the first one to notice when I walked into her room when I heard her breathing heavily. She was panicked and scared. I sat her up and so she could breathe better and got my dad. We both didn't know what was wrong. The only thing we could think of was an allergic reaction to the muscle relaxer she took after she injured her leg swimming on her high school swim team. There wasn't much I could do. I used all the skills I had as an EMT I could remember. When it comes down to it, the skills you learn aren't a lot if you're just basic trained. My dad thought it was nothing and that we could take care of it, but I insisted on the going to the ER. I convinced him and we left to Alta View Hospital. The doctor didn't know what was wrong because the allergic reaction seemed unlikely by that point. We thought it was something viral. My sister was tough. She stayed in the hospital for 9 hours. The doctors had no idea what was wrong, but they knew enough to get her stable and she was fine. The next day, she had a reaction again without the use of medicine. We went to the ER again and they still had no idea. At first they thought meningitis but that was ruled out. They just gave her some drugs and she recovered quickly. She's fine now. But I remember how scared I was watching my sister on a hospital bed shake and jolt involuntarily while struggling to breathe. I was so scared. I was scared because there was nothing I could do. I felt so helpless in my abilities to help. It was much like the time I volunteered at Pioneer Valley Hospital as an EMT. I felt so limited in my abilities to help. It's worse feeling helpless when it's your own family. There was nothing I could do, and incidentally there was no diagnosis for what had happened. Even though the treatments worked, the worst-case scenarios ran through my head. I wanted to do everything I could to help. But there wasn't a damn thing I could have done with what I knew. It was nice to know that I knew most of the staff at the hospital so they tried extra hard knowing it was my sister. But there was a few things that weren't done both visits. It's even harder to see people treat someone when you have an idea on how things are supposed to go. I had never been so inspired in my life to be a doctor. I wanted to know what was happening. An idea. Anything. Most of all, I just wanted to help.
It's my personal resolve to become a doctor. I don't care if to some people that seems unrealistic for me or not. Whatever I become, I want to become someone that's capable of helping others. I want to be the best. I want sincerely want to do this because I care. I may not have all the answers, but I feel like I can at least live knowing that I did everything I could the best I knew how.
And that is the life update from me.
The first blog of 2007 from me.
And my 50th blog entry. Crazy ay?
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