Even though October is my second favorite month, Halloween is one of my least favorite holidays. By middle school the holiday had lost most of it's allure to me. By high school, I was generally disinterested in it. However, I'm going to try not to be the proverbial Scrooge of Halloween this year and try to get "into the spirit" of things by doing a somewhat Halloween-oriented blog.
We have all seen horror movies at one point or the other. I personally don't care for them as I tend to ruin it for other people attempting to watch the movie. I do enjoy really bad and corny horror movies when I can get my hands on one. I don't think there is such a thing as a "good" horror movie without it being awful in every respect to the art of film. Regardless of what you define as a good or bad horror movie, they all tend to share a similar formula in how people die or get killed. This post will hopefully help you avoid dying in horror-movie-related ways by following my carefully thought out advice.
If you find yourself in a situation where a psychotic serial killer is on the loose (or find yourself in the midst of a zombie or alien invasion, although this will mostly apply to serial killer scenarios), here are some basic steps to follow:
1. Start making friends with people who are extremely beautiful or part of some sort of minority. Extremely beautiful minorities are a bonus. It's common knowledge that minorities and beautiful people have the lowest rate of survival against psychotic serial killers. Surround yourself with these human shields to buy you some time while you figure out a clever (or implausible) way to thwart your potential murderer.
2. It's also helpful to start befriending obnoxious assholes, stuck-up girls, and popular public figures. After your minority friends are toast, the next in line are (and not necessarily in this order) stuck-up college girls, obnoxious frat boys, crooked local politicians, surly authority figures, and local celebrities. Depending on the efficiency of the killer, these layers of people could score you up to a night and a half of survival. That's way past the average!
3. If you're ugly or out of shape, this does not count you out as a potential target. Usually the ugly and the obese are one of the last people to go. But somehow the serial killer always manages to cleverly trap this group with cake or promises of free plastic surgery. To avoid this demise, keep in shape but don't look bad or great. Shoot for mediocre or average. This will surely increase your chance of survival by leaps and bounds.
4. Ladies, this advice is specifically for you. It's no coincidence that a woman usually ends up surviving serial killer, zombie and alien invasion in the end. However, many, many women are killed off in the process by the end of the movie. Here is a small list of things to avoid in order to increase your chances of being the last pair of ovaries standing:
i. Avoid showering alone in your empty house/apartment knowing full well that your friends are far away, dead, or mysteriously absent. Until the whole "people dying randomly" crisis is over, it's best you avoid showering altogether.
ii. Avoid locker rooms. Seriously. Whether zombies are eating your friends, or a serial killer is offing your high school crush or aliens are destroying your hometown; now is not the time to go to the gym. Especially avoid high school and college lockers rooms. Nude deaths are not uncommon in these areas.
iii. Avoid that seemingly nice guy you just met. He might say off-putting things like "I'd kill to be with you." Or "I'd die a thousand deaths if you would just kiss me." There is a 50/50 chance that this man is the serial killer. On the other hand, he might just be a nice awkward guy who might help you survive 10 extra minutes by sacrificing himself. Don't take the chance. Avoid strange men and their charms.
iv. Avoid hot and tempting sexual encounters at all costs. Something about absurdly violent, high casualty situations makes women uncontrollably sexual. I don't know the science behind it, but horror movies don't lie. Half the women in the movies die during or after sexual transactions, usually in the bedroom or shower. Of all times to control your generally dormant urges, now is the time to keep that shit under control.
v. Avoid alcohol or drugs. Drunk people in general are no help during these events. Drunk chicks are just sirens that help serial killers track your group. Stay sober, stay alive.
5. In the movie "Zombieland," the main character emphasizes that cardio is the key to surviving a zombie attack. This is possibly the best piece of advice I can pass down to you. Keeping in shape will help you outrun zombies or potential serial killers (but probably not aliens). Do not jog! Seriously. People jog to their hideouts from a serial killer who just chase after them at a light pace. Leave nothing to chance. Have the ability to run like hell and don't look back. This method only works if you don't run directly to a closet or enclosed space.
6. Do not investigate weird noises in your empty apartment or oddly silent rooms. If you are one of those insatiably curious types, your odds of survival have just been cut in half. Do not investigate tapping noises, foot steps or faint heavy breathing sounds.
7. As mentioned in #5, do not hide in closets or enclosed spaces. Serial killers, zombies and aliens all have enough intelligence to figure out that you are hiding somewhere stupid like a closet, a bath tub with the curtain pulled and air vents. If mindless, brain-eating zombies can find you in a closet, then your hiding place is both obvious and stupid and you deserve to be the next victim. Avoid enclosed spaces!
8. Telephones don't work. They never work. Don't waste your time with the pay phone from 1984 or the land line of your home. Cell phones are also useless as they will somehow have no service. Your foe has probably already figured out a way to cut off easy communication so don't waste your time.
9. Don't waste your time with the police or military. This always ends up being bad news. They are usually both wiped out, corrupt, or incredibly useless. You can take your chances but there is a high probability of failure and death.
10. Learn how to use weapons and/or know how to fight. Every movie, someone has the chance to put an end or delay to the catastrophe. Usually this is botched when someone does not know how to aim a firearm at point-blank range or does not know how to stab in deadly areas. Knife-wielding is always the most embarrassing. Everyone always cuts the arm or leg. You don't have to be a doctor or a geek to know that this will not kill any serial killer, zombie or alien. If you can't operate a firearm, knife or even a blunt object, then at least know how to kick something square in the junk. It may be your last hope.
Well, that is all the advice I can offer. If you can offer more or better advice, please leave a comment.
Hope you enjoyed my blog!
Have a happy and safe Halloween, everyone!
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