Super Stall, Go!

Yep, I'm stalling again. I can't force myself to open my book right now and finish a homework assignment that's due in less than 7 hours. Bleh.

So in the meantime, I will tell [not very] interesting thoughts on my new found favorite pastry.

As we all know, I have an infinite love for pastries. Especially with breakfast and coffee. Lately, I've been frequenting a small little donut shop in Salt Lake that has captured my heart and held my stomach hostage. Their pastries are divine! How can resist such quality donuts and coffee? I'm not made of stone damn it! However, this past week or so I have shifted more of my attention towards cream cheese danish pastries. I have always loved them. But for explanations beyond my capability, my love for them has grown to a frequent occurrence. They have become a necessary "study tool" for my ritual studying this semester. My fishing trips have included them lately as well. 7-11 has been my choice of danish pastry recently, but after stopping into a local bakery near my school, I may just have to change my preference. I haven't tried theirs yet. But they are both cheap and accessible which practically makes them good by default. I look forward to trying one in the near future (tomorrow).

So now that I have explained my love for pastries, I think we should all take pause and recognize how pastries enrich all of our lives. We all know that pastries enhance the quality of life in any human by at least 10%. It' not scientific fact! Even vegan hippies make room for pastries in their diet in the form of disgusting tofu substitutes. Why? Because pastries are eff-ing good! It may very well be in our genetic make-up somewhere to need pastries as a form of food-induced pleasure. I'm not a geneticist but if I had to guess the likelihood of such a gene existing, I would say there is an 82% chance of such a gene hiding in our DNA helix. Leaving just an unrealistic 18% margin of uncertainty that maybe Americans are just fat/lazy and enjoy fattening substances. Yeah, right! My calculation is just too scientifically accurate to be disputed by any reputable source.


Anywho, now that I've just taken the bronze medal in the proverbial "Olympics of Stalling," I think I really am going to do my homework. I've already wasted 13 minutes writing this [poorly] thought out piece of [crap] literature.

Wish me luck. It will take all my concentration just to finish. I normally like to reserve my concentration for important tasks like video games, smart-ass comments towards coworkers, and carefully thought out arguments about why Captain Picard is in fact, a superior captain to Captain Kirk.

Homework is a waste of my blatantly superior skills of concentration.

Evolution Let Me Down

I'm a huge fan of evolution. I love the scientific process behind it and what it means for our race.

But lately, I'm finding that evolution has let me down on many levels. Mostly, in that evolution has failed to give me any reasonably useful powers or abilities. I feel that I'm lacking in both natural and supernatural abilities that would mostly benefit me.

For instance, why did the bear species get to inherit hibernation? Where was I when that was being handed out to the species of our planet? Did nobody else feel that sleeping through winter was a good idea? The only answer behind that is a bunch of snow loving hippies who were ok with the "change of pace" of winter. If I were to gain any power of choice, it would be winter hibernation. Fuck winter.

Everyone wishes they could fly. I don't. That's the one super power I wouldn't want. All it would take is one clumsy drunk hunter to mistake me for a rare endangered bird and BANG! I would be bleeding and falling at the same time towards my terrible death. That's a bad way to go. Plus I wouldn't pay attention enough. I would get too complacent with flying. One minute I would be daydreaming about winning the lottery; another minute I would be getting sucked into a jumbo jet getting sprayed around as human confetti. Plus, I hate heights. Fuck heights.

As a short guy, we often dream of having enormous strength to compensate for our vertically challenged handicap. (Not really true. But for the sake of this blog, let's just say that it is.) I would dream of strength where I could strangle people.....with my toes! Infinite physical strength is practical on just about every level. Especially if you are one of the few people to have it. Your talents would always be needed. But I would likely use my powers to bend metal statues and fine works of art into more lewd positions than originally intended. All for my amusement! I hate statues. Fuck statues.

Let's not forget facial strength either. I'm not talking killing people or bending metal with just mere contact with your face. My intimate life would be done away with forever. I'm talking about killing people with just the look of a face. A dirty look that literally kills. This ability would both be handy and wreckless since I dispense dirty looks like candy at a parade. Instances where this would come in handy:

Scenario: Annoying drunk guy at your favorite bar hitting on your friends and causes an obnoxious scene.
Solution: Dirty look. Suddenly, the guy screams "Ah! My balls!" Then collapses into a dead pile of douchebaggery. Cause of death: Intense scrotal implosion.

Scenario: Self-important hippy irrationally argues how artists are somehow superior to everyone else in civilization.
Solution: Dirty look. Suddenly the hippy looks confused for a second and says "Dude, I think my brain is getting larger." Then you smugly reply "That's because it is." Then suddenly his head bursts into a million dirty hippy chunks. His self-righteous attitude won't bother anyone ever again.

Scenario: A very distant aqcaintance that has no real place in your inner circle of friends questions you about everything you have done, are doing and will do. Then proceeds to give you dangerously unqualified advice as to what you should have done and what you should do now and later in the most condescending way possible. This individual also has a way to top every single one of your stories with something somehow ambigiously greater or worse than your story.
Solution: Dirty look. Suddenly it seems as though they are being stangled. They pull at the collar of their shirt as if that might be the cause of their strangulation. For added effect, you may use a line of Darth Vader's such as "I find your lack of faith disturbing." Nerd kill! Bonus!

I love science. I love evolution......when it suits me. When I think of all the potential abilities evolution has robbed me of, I can't help but feel cheated.

Fuck evolution.

Race Track Dream

I had just fallen asleep for a little bit. No more than an hour or so. I remember my last thoughts before falling asleep were how my scholastic goals were similar to my friends in the beginning. I thought of the entire concept as a race track for running track meets. The starting line being the first year of college and each revolution afterwards being a year.

Before I knew it, I had slipped into a dream illustrating this exact point. I was in a dorky track suit. Small shorts and baggy tank top to complete it all. Next to me at the starting was my friend Jeff. Oddly enough, it was just the two of us. The track field had no one in the stands watching. No crowds. No pressure. We got in position to begin the race. He turned to me and asked "Are you ready, dude?"

"Yes, I am," I replied. "We are going to do great."

A shot went off and we both sprinted out.

No more than a quarter of the way through the first part of the track, I tripped. Jeff looked back and slowed down a little. "It's cool, dude. Get up. Try again. You can do it." I got up again and started to run but tripped again. Jeff was on the other side of the track at a mild pace. He stopped there. "I'm taking a break for a second. I'm burned out," he panted.

"No worries," I said as the sun beat down on me. "Keep going. I'll try to catch up later."

Jeff started sprinting again. It wasn't long before he was at the point I was on the track. I got up to run with him again. But this time my shoelaces were untied. I stopped to tie them. "Don't worry about it. Just run with it," he yelled back.

"I can't," I yelled to him. "I have to do this."

He shrugged and kept going. He passed me up again as I was tying my shoes. I tied them up.

"Hold on, I'm coming," I yelled as he passed me.

I got up to run again but tripped. My laces were untied again. How the hell did this happen? I just tied these! Jeff passed again. "Come on, dude. There is still time," he said as he passed.

I got up again and fell down. My shoes weren't untied this time. "I'm tired," I mumbled. I lay there for a minute or so. I didn't bother moving or changing position. Jeff passed again but didn't say anything. He passed again but asked how I was doing. I don't remember if I said anything back. Before I know it, Jeff is standing over me, blocking the sun from raining on me.

"Dude, you missed it. It's all over. I'm going to head over to that new track and do some laps. You should make it over there some time," said Jeff calmly. He walked off having not broken a sweat.

I woke up, drowned in my own sweat, panting. But why? It wasn't a nightmare, was it? Maybe not your typical nightmare where an albino serial killer is trying to eat your face and rape your cat. But in a way it was a nightmare. I've never had a dream be so symbolic and accurate. I don't take much into dream interpretation. I think it's a load of crap for people who are looking for easy answers to uncomfortable questions about themselves. But for once, the allegory was pure, simple and true. That's the exception and not the rule to dream interpretation. This dream was so vivid. It was like one of those dreams you see in movie and think "No one's dreams are like that. That's ridiculous."

Jeff and I started out thinking we could one day achieve the same dream together. But Jeff was/is smart. He had it all going for him the whole time. I never quite figured out what my true goals and motivations were. I wanted to catch up so I didn't seem inferior. I even considered going to Utah State with Jeff hoping that if I went there with someone ridiculously smart that I might catch on and do something right. Looking back, I realize that wouldn't have been the answer either. I would have made the same mistakes I have over the years with my academic career. You can't change yourself by changing scenery. You can never forget who you have been by merely changing locations. I didn't realize then and I'm beginning to realize it now.

What would Freud do? (WWFD?) What would he have to say about this obvious interpretation. That's probably a question best left unanswered from a Freudian perspective. What would Jeff think? I guess it doesn't matter now. What's done is done and I am where I am because of me. 

Jeff is now in medical school living the dream we both set out to achieve. Only now am I beginning to buckle down and do this right. I will never be on the same track as Jeff. But in time I hope to follow where he has been. Not for everyone else, but for me this time.



[P.S.] Sorry about all the melancholy posts. Life really isn't so bad. I've only been inspired to write lately when I've felt kind of down. I don't feel down about this. But this dream was meaningful and I felt I should write it down before I forgot about the details that made it so good. Happier posts to come. I promise.



{P.S.P.S} I have to work tomorrow and I have to wake up in about 5 hours............fuck.

Stalling.......Again

So I'm at the library at SLCC and I'm supposed to be studying. I do have a valid reason for not studying at the moment. I had to buy the new version of Microsoft Office since my trial expired a while ago. I really need it for school this semester. Bleh...... I'm currently waiting for it to slowly download.

Every semester burns a hole in my pocket. Hundreds of dollars spent on supplies and books. Every semester, the schools somehow find a new way to say "We aren't making enough money despite record attendance." Someone in the upper management has some large balls to have the audacity to say they aren't making enough money despite making a killing in money the first week of school alone.

Assholes.

I spend more money each semester. But oh well. You would think I would be used to the financial raping after all these years.

On the positive side, I really milked that trial version of Office for all that it was worth. Take that Bill Gates!.......It's a small victory since Microsoft still got my money anyway.

Here I am studying on this beautiful Saturday afternoon. I should be out fishing or something. You would think I had enough to time to prepare for the death of my social life this Fall. But no matter how much you prepare, You're never actually ready.

Goodbye social life. I'll miss you and all the good times we had.

Quantity

I'm disappointed that I have only posted here 3 times this month. My quantity here is clearly lacking.

Quality is for suckers who believe in the power of their work.

So in short, I'm posting here to boost the number of entries I've had this month. If I quickly scramble, I may be able to squeeze in one or two more before the month ends. Then it will create the illusion I have updated regularly. In reality, I will have posted generally empty blogs lacking in content but exploding with psychobabble.

Sorry if you read this with false hopes of something good to read.


Sucka'!

August Overview

August has been a semi-eventful month. Just like July, it has gone by exceptionally fast with little time for reflection. I feel like I have had little time to update this little blog of mine.

So far this month I have done a lot of fishing and have tried to see my friends as often as possible. My good friend Kevin came back into town last week for a visit. It was good to see him and hear his stories. I became envious of his accomplishments during his first year of law school. To him it's nothing. But I envied his drive. Aside from that, it was nice to catch up and occasionally reminisce about the "old times." Good food and beer was had by all. We went to a few bars, which I wasn't hugely wild about. Especially since we went to some trendy place. I hate crowded and loud bars. I'm professional party pooper that way. Those places can make for some good people watching sometimes but for the most part it's annoying and kind of sad. I think trendy crowded bars are like the Olympics of loneliness. It's like everyone is in direct competition with each other to see who can look the most lonely, and attention starved. Prestigious medals could be handed out to the most desperate looking person there. If only.....

Over the summer I have gained 16 lbs. I was so set on being perfect this summer. I actually thought I would have more time to work out and get into shape. But I didn't count on getting attached to fishing either. I blame that for my gain. On the plus side most people haven't noticed. Also, if I wear the right type of clothes, it just creates the illusion I have gained muscle. Bonus!......But it's fat sadly. Gotta haul my ass back to the gym again and reverse the damage. 

I have mixed feelings about today being my last day of Summer. Tomorrow I go back to school to face yet another semester that will test my ability to tolerate busy work. On one hand, I'm sad to see the best Summer I've had in years come to a close. I worked less, saw more friends, saw the sun more often. Had a life. On the other hand, I'm happy to go back to class and be one semester closer to obtaining a degree. The past week at work has just been awful. It's reminded me to get school done so I don't have to do this crappy job anymore. But unfortunately, I'm quite some time away from success.

I'm optimistic about this upcoming semester. I feel like it will be a successful one. I'm happy to take another step towards a more meaningful career/life. After having a terrible week of work, I realized just how important it was. I had to work with the "dream team" of uselessness. My patience for my fellow lazy coworkers was put to the test. I had played with the idea of quitting after all this. I wanted to take out an obscenely large loan and just go to school. I just wanted to concentrate on my life rather than the faults of others. It's not feasible now. But I would like to do that in maybe a year or two, when I'm closer to being done.

Maybe it's the exhaustion and stress talking to my head lately. Even though my hopes are high, my spirits are low. Even though I smile on the outside, on the inside my insecurities are rampant. At times I may appear confident, but inside my head I just replayed everything I just said to make sure I didn't make an ass of myself. Although I joke, I worry that I'm being annoying. My friends are loyal but I can't help but panic inside that I have in some way, offended them. Even though things couldn't be better, I worry things are about to fall apart. I feel I'm tangled in a web of confusion that I have unknowingly weaved for myself.

What the hell is wrong with me?



But never fear. All is well. I just have to stop complaining and keep a cool head. Keeping a cool head is about the only thing I have keeping me sane. Imagine if I was crazy and lacked coping skills....

Life would be much more difficult.

Better

My friends make me want to be a better person. My family makes me want to be a better person. My acquaintances make me want to be a better person.

I want to be better.
I want to be stronger.
I want to be smarter.
I want to have more courage.
I want to be all these things.

I want to live up to those who believe in me.

I want to be relevant rather than be doomed to a life of obscurity and mediocrity.

I want to be the man I want to be.

I want to be the man I've led people to believe that I would be.

I have so much I want to do. There is so much I want to be. There is so much I want to live for.

I strive but I fall. I drive but all I do is spin my wheels. I try to fly but all I do is crash. I try to swim but all I do is drown.

Are my mistakes an indication of what is yet to come or what I should be learning from?

Is my future as free as I believe and preach? Or is my future set in stone and doomed to failure? Am I fighting a losing battle because I'm incapable or because that's what is meant to be?

So many questions. So many answers. If I'm not getting the answers I want, am I not asking the right questions?

If I am to be better than what I am, what must I do to get it right?

Burned

I'm so ridiculously sunburned it's not even funny. I went out fishing on my friend's boat a couple of days ago. The sun was out in full force but it wasn't hot. I had the seemingly brilliant idea of trying to "even out" my horrendous farmers tan. I was getting tired of looking like I was wearing a white undershirt all the time. So I took my shirt off hoping just a little sun would do.

Well just a little bit of time turned into hours. I didn't feel burned so I assumed I was fine. But oh, how wrong I was. So very wrong. In the mirror, I didn't even look remotely red. I thought I had cheated the system. My insanely pale torso might have skipped the pain and horror of a burn........Or did it? I got into the shower and just about screamed like a little girl with a scraped knee. Not only was the shower hot, my old shower head only has two pressure settings: drizzle and industrial paint peeler. Guess which one it was on.....

If you guessed the industrial paint peeling pressure, you're correct! I turned off the shower and had to take a few seconds to recover. What the hell just happened? I took another look in the mirror only to find that I might be mutating into a lobster-human hybrid. I was so red. How did I not see this before. Was I so drunk with self-satisfaction from fishing that I didn't notice how burned I was the first time? Was I just seeing what I wanted to see? Whatever the case, it didn't matter; I was burned to hell.

I've never been so burned before. Or maybe I have when I was younger and just forgot since it's been so long. Even now, my burns are ravaging my shoulders and back. Knowing my luck, it won't tan. It will just peel and usher in a new layer of shinier paleness.