Rough Again

I realize I haven't posted here in a few months. My first post of the year after 4 months was kind of depressing. I guess that's when I find this blog again. When things starting getting hard or overwhelming, I know I can take comfort in writing it down. It helps relieve some of the tension when all else fails. It used to be that writing was my first resort. But after a while, it started to seem silly to write everything down all the time. I apologize for yet a second depressing blog. I promise to starting writing more down here. Hopefully with more positive outcomes.

In January, I had kind of a quarter life crisis. I suddenly came to grips with my little success in the field of medicine. I realized that the life of the doctor woud likely not be in my future, no matter how strongly I felt about it. I just knew I wouldn't have what it took to make it. I had an epiphony that came very clearly to me. I felt that nursing school might be the next best route to go. For now that's the goal in a vague sort of way. I'm still not ure on the matter.

This past week has reminded me how unsure I am of everything. Mostly today and Sunday night have made that reminder very clear to me. Sunday I was training at the University Hospital in the ER. The entire night, everyone made me feel like a super dumbass. I hate not being trusted. I hate being an unknown quiet face. I hate feeling like I don't know what I'm doing. It was rough for me. Today, I couldn't even start the easiest 16 gauge IV in the world on this patient I should have gotten it the first try. Instead I missed and had to dig to get it. Then When I did get it, the vein collapsed. It shouldn't have happened in the first place. I should have got it in the first place so it wouldn't have collapsed. Then taking that same patient to the ICU was more embarrassing. He was on a dopamine drip because of low blood pressure. I didn't pay attention to how big the dopamine bag was. It's not important. But I'm not really up on medications and rates and doses. Stuff I think I should be pretty knowledgeable in. At least have some idea. When we got to the ICU, I started disconnecting the patient from our equipment. One of the nurses up there who I like working with said I was being way too slow. I didn't think I was being slow. The guy wasn't dying or critical to be in a huge rush. But whateve, ignore that part. The nurse That I took him up with was not paying attention. She was just chatting loudly away about earrings with someone else instead of helping me get the patient over and off the IV pump. The ICU nurse asked what the drip rate was.......I don't know...... Then she asked what the concentration of the dopamine was..........I don't know........... what was the size of the bag? was it this many mg per ml?........Fuck I don't know......... I tried calling for the nurse who was supposed to be helping so she can answer those questions, but she just ignored me and kept on chatting away. The ICU nurse asked "how do you not know this? Are you going to be a nurse or what?" I just replied "I'm just a tech." She just replied "I know, I don't know why I asked. I guess to try to double check I guess."

Usually when people in the hospital what I do, I just say that I'm just a tech for the ER. That never bothers me when I say that I'm just a tech. But today, for the first time when I said it, I really did feel insignificant. I really did feel like that I knew nothing. Granted, it wasn't my responsibility to know that stuff. But I felt like I should have known that. It's not that hard to know. But I had no idea. That really got to me for some reason. On top of that, when she asked if I was going to be a nurse or what, I really had no idea. I honestly had no idea when it came right down to it. What am I going to be? What should I be. This is a question that has actually hit me the hardest the past couple of weeks. I have thought about it long and hard driving to and from work. It's been really hard at work for some reason lately. It's really been getting to me. It makes me wonder if I can really make it anywhere in the medical field. I sure as hell don't want to be a tech forever. I want to be smarter than that. I know I can be smarter than that. But do I really have what it takes to get through school? This question alone scares the shit out of me. Can I really realistically do this? I don't have an answer every time I ask myself this. In the back of my head, something tells me no. But somewhere else inside my head tells me I have the potential. I just have to find it and harness it to my advantage somehow. I despeartely want to figure it out. I look around and work with so many people that I admire and want to be more like. Nurses, PA's and Doctor's alike. I think to myself, I want to be like that. The hardworking intelligent nurse that always looks out for the best interest of the patient. The PA with great people skills that can make the patient believe in their ability. The doctor who inspires confidence and works tirelessly for a working diagnosis. As I look at these people, I realize that I have very little of these great qualities. I think of the other things I could do with my life and realized that I want very little do with anything else but medicine. So what am I to do? Deep inside I really want to be a doctor. So badly sometimes it's ridiculous. Other times, I want to be a PA or a nurse. I can never really decide. I don't know what I'm doing. But whatever it is that I do, I hope it's great. I hope it's worth it. I hope I figure it out soon.

Because right now I'm feeling lost.

Comfort Disappearing

Some days
it feels like
sleep is the only thing
I have to rely on
to take me
anywhere but where I am
I'll go anywhere
From 30 seconds of pitch darkeness
to a surreal reality
full of twisted images
and nonsensical plots
But even sleep fails me
as much as I
fail myself
Refusing to take me away

This music
in my car
is much too upbeat
for my down beat mood
I'm starting all over
Again
I wonder if it
will be worth it
I wonder if I can really do this
and more
I struggle trying to
figure this out
I struggle to figure out
the people around me
and yet
no answer is in sight
another exhausted day
where I can fall asleep
unsure of what I can really be in life