We Dream to Meet Again

I woke up suddenly in the morning. My body felt like a dead weight as I slowly came to realize my surroundings. I felt I had just dreamt of something close and familiar. I frantically raced through my mind trying to find the dream I had just left. Within a few seconds, I recovered my lost alternate reality. A dream of an old friend. A friend whom I had not spoken to in years. A friend who was a part of my childhood.

As strange as it is to say, this is not the first time he has shown up in my dreams.  Most dreams have odd plots to begin with. They are often fragmented and somehow realistic despite how ludicrous the scenario may be. This was no exception. I knew I was at the high school I graduated at. And yet I knew it wasn't my old high school. It felt as if I had travelled back in time to my senior year. But everything was different. There was a swimming pool in the middle of the school. My sister who is 6 years younger than me was a sophomore there. And for some odd reason, there was a giant hand crank elevator that somehow got your family job history and your probable future career.

It starts out that me and this old friend were hanging out by the crank shaft trying to find out our probable careers. He gets urologist and sees that his family has a long history being a doctor (which in real life wasn't true, he had no interest in medicine and nor did his family.) He got excited at the fact he had a probable successful career. When I tried to get the crank to work to see my future, the hand crank got stuck in the middle. It was unmoveable. Just then a girl came to sit next to us. The funny thing is, she is someone I didn't really know or care for in high school. She tried talking to us for a moment. My friend abruptly started shouting at her, calling her names and flipping her off. I was shocked. She just merely got up and walked away. I asked him what that was for, he just smiled and said, "relax it's just a dream". At the time, I didn't get it. When you're in a dream, it's hard to realize that you're actually in a dream at all. I don't remember much of what happened next. It seemed like we had talked for a while like everything was normal. Next thing I know, we are in his car.(he never owned one in real life) It was raining and silent. He asked "Where have you been? I haven't seen you in a couple of weeks." I simply asked, "what do you mean?" He flatly replied, "it's been a couple of weeks since I've been here."  That's when I realized he was talking about being in the dream and that I too, was in a dream.

I woke up.

After going through all the trouble of remembering the dream, I just layed there and pondered. And for a moment, I had immersed myself in fiction. For a moment I was taken in by a world where I didn't need scientific facts or educated thoughts. For just one moment I began to think about all the possibilities I knew couldn't be true. I started to wonder if in a weird way, we were connecting and meeting up in dreams. And if we were, were we the images of what we used to be? Have I dreamt about this so much without remembering, that when he said, "its been a couple of weeks since I've been here," he was really talking about it's been a couple of weeks since we hung out in a dream like this? Was it possible that after all these years. we were still somehow friends, even though we haven't talked in years?

Of course not.

It's absurd to even think that way. Whether it was real or not, it was still comforting. I have always been a firm believer that we can always reunite with our friends and family of the past, dead or living, in our dreams. We can be together with those people for just one more minute. The crazy thing about it is, that most of the time we have those dreams, we never say goodbye, or apologize, or feel remorse. Everything feels the way it should be.


Even if it isn't really them, it's comforting to know that a piece of them is always with us. (and we can always meet again in our dreams)






I know this is a strange blog and very random. But for the record, I would appreciate not recieving comments psycho analyzing my psyche or what you think is wrong with me or any of that. None of that is your business anyway. Just enjoy the writing for what it is.

Being Normal Almost Sucks

Lately, I've noticed how much America loves dysfunction. People are writing books about their messed up childhoods and making millions. And here I am working my way through my normal life like a sucker. It's times like these where I wish my life wasn't relatively normal. I would love to cash in on this "dysfunction craze." It almost makes me wish that my parents were hardcore hippies with extreme liberal agendas. To make it better I would turn out to be the exact opposite of them with uneducated conservative agendas laced with deep insecurity. I would later write a book that would be a best seller entitled, "My Parents are Hippies: My Prelude to Perpetual Hatred"

Generally, I've been happy with the way my life has been going. I love my job as an EMT at LDS Hospital ER. Every day that I am there, I feel I'm making a difference. I've seen and done a lot of crazy things in the 2 months I have worked. Even though it can be stressful and there are some things I struggle with, I at least feel like I'm doing something with my life while I'm going to school. It has been a tremendous inspiration for me to pursue emergency medicine as a career. Such a field is definitely not for everyone, but it works great for me. I think the question I have gotten the most since I've worked there is "aren't you afraid of getting sick from all the people you deal with?" I just simply reply "If anyone who worked in a hospital was really scared of getting sick then they would be out of a job." I worked my first shift at the new hospital Intermountain Medical Center a couple of days ago. It was fun but very chaotic. Granted, it was the 4th day the hospital was open, it was still very disorganized. I would like to go there once things settle down and get stabilized.

Aside from the new job, my life has been relatively stable. I'm about 2 weeks from turning 21 and about 2 months from moving back home with my family. Turning 21 will be fun but I don't think it will change my life much. Moving back home will be an adjustment. I'm pretty used to do whatever I want at anytime. It's been a great run. But it will save me money that I desperately need for school. Even though my life is relativly normal right now, I wouldn't change a thing about it. I feel like I've associated myself with great friends and aquaintances. I feel like I've made good choices that have helped bring me where I am today. I may occasionally bitch about how something or the other sucks, but my life is by no means miserable.

I hope all is well on your end of the screen. :)

Action Figures I Would Buy

When I was a kid, I loved playing with action figures. It entertained me to great lengths to play with unrealistic looking people. All of them had very muscle toned bodies and the ideal weight of 2 grams. But being almost 21 years old, I have outgrown playing with action figures with a fictional premise. would I buy action figures now if there was a tad bit more of a realistic premise? You bet! So I have invented a line of new action figures that I would buy if such products existed. I call it the Hopeless Life Collection. All of these figures are based on what reality really is most of the time. Enjoy reading about my great marketing achievement.



Sexual Predator Hector: Part Time Janitor, Full Time Creep:

Sexual Predator Hector is highly unsuccessful with women and tries to make up for it by being extremely creepy to any female within 40 yards. Armed with his trusty mop and a handful of crappy pick up lines, Hector takes the field and raises the company sexual harassment lawsuits to new highs. Accessories include mop, 16 karrot gold necklace, a comb and a wallet full of old condoms. For a limited time, you can get the special edition action figure. Comes with website to do free background check. Each action figure is unique with a different criminal history. The holder of the action figure with the most sexual felonies wins a lifetime supply of KY Jelley.

Beligerant Bob:

Bob is a loud and obnoxious middle aged man. Rumored to be mildly retarded, Bob makes a scene wherever the most attention can be given. Join Bob as he freaks out at the grocery store over long lines and his turbulent divorce with his wife High Maintanence Mary (sold seperately) Accessories include: expired prozac, trailer, (or as the neighbors call it "shrine of crushed hope") and food stamps.

High Maintenanc Mary:

Mary is a former stripper with high standards despite living a very low life. She enjoys Wheel of Fortune and reminiscing about the 80's. Follow her adventures as she crushes Bobs sexual ambitions with phrases like "Not until we get that kitchen my friends were telling me about," or Bob's favorite "Only if you promise to last more than 7 minutes." Accessories include: fraudulent checks, a pack of smokes, and enough bright blue eye shadow to get through the 80's twice.

Suicidal Sally:

Sally is a young woman with low self esteem. She often preys on the sympathetic for money so she can overdose on medicines she knows won't kill her. She will kill herself one day she says as she tries to slice her wrists with a stick. Attention starved and not very bright, you can join Sally in her adventures as she finds new inefficient ways to look the grim reaper in the eye. And lets not forget her deep 2 week relationship with Suicidal Sam. Accessories include: benadryl, a phone book and a purse full of smarties that she poses as "rat poison"

Suicidal Sam:

Sam is a young man with a receding hairline. His suicidal endeavors have been unsuccessful due to his lack of intelligence. Sam often times writes poetry about sadness and the joys he never had. Join Sam in his crazy adventures as he inpregnates Suicidal Sally and bails like a deadbeat dad. (emotional bastard son not included with purchase)

Gothic Gary:

Gary dresses in black to reflect his constant cynical mood. He feels he is unique and intelligent dressing like tard with a bad incident at the tar and chain factory. Gary comes with 3 distinct phrases that define is intelligence "fuck Bush" "Fuck war" "Don't eat meat." Join Gary in his depressing adventures as he poses his opinions as fact in front of intelligent people.

Illogical Ike:

Ike is starting his career as a fresh out of school business executive. Known for his impulse actions and fear failure, you can join Ike on all of his poorly thought schemes. You can make Ike fake a serious illness to get out of work just go to the ER. Ike is capable of spending  over 5000 dollars in unnecessary medical bills. Accessories include: empty briefcase, leisure suit, and a broken stapler.

Optimistic Olley:

Olley has lived a good life. His optimism is unbeatable. However, despite his great attitue, life decides to shit on him constantly. You can make Olley keep a straight smiling face as he loses his job, discovers his wife cheating, and eats Taco Bell.

Deadbeat Dan:

Dan is a 30 year old man who is not yet ready to let go of his early college years. Working at the local gas station, Dan insists he is going somewhere in life as he steals a pack of smokes and a pack of the stores cheapest beer. You can join Dan on all of his brain-dead misadventures trying to recapture his youth by showing up to college parties. Accessories include: 3 colorful outfits from the 90's, an eviction notice, and tape cassette walkman.



Admit it, you would buy them too in mass quantities. Probably own the whole collection if you could, right? Hope you enjoyed. Perhaps I'll write another someday.

September, You Bastard Month!

September always comes and goes way too fast. It feels like yesterday that the flowers and trees were just starting to bloom. Now I find the leaves are starting to crumble beneath my feet and the nights starting to become colder. I don't have anything against September, other than nothing happens. Sure you got Labor Day, but is that really a holiday anyway? September is like the bastard fraternal twin of April that just "didn't turn out right." September can't possibly compete with April. People at least look forward to April for the most part. They look forward to the change from constant snow and hate that Winter brings. I have yet to meet a single person who is just really excited for September. And when I meet that person, I'll punch them in the face!

But anyway, after that uneventful rambling I might as well get down to saying whatever it is I'm going to say. Pretty much that paragraph was just an attempt to grab your attention so you'll read the rest! Ha ha ha ha! Caught you, you ignorant fool!..............Of course you could just stop reading at this point. But oh well. Screw you anyway.

With being a little more than 2 weeks into September, it sure has been an eventful month. After weeks of horrowing anticipation, my great grandmother finally passed away surrounded by family. At this point, I'm just glad she is no longer suffering. If there is a God, then I hope she is in a safe place. If there isn't, I'm just happy her pain and struggle is over. She can finally lay to rest. Though, throughout the funeral, I couldn't help but think that a funeral should not be so depressing. Though she is gone, I felt that we should not be so selfish as to wish to prolong her pain by wanting her to stay. She had not been the same person for months, and lived in relative pain for years. I felt we should have been happier that a long struggle was over, and an exhausted soul was layed to rest. I personally, would never want a depressing funeral.

Jeff has the right idea for his funeral. He wants his nude corpse shot out of a cannon to never again be seen by human life. (except for the glimpse of hope that his body may catch the wind and curve into a house and ruin some kids birthday party or bar mitzvah) I would never do it. I have bad enough luck as it is. They would try shooting me out of that cannon with too much powder and blow chunks of me all over the funeral attendee's. If not too much powder, then not enough powder. My nude body would slowly slump out of the tip of the barrell then plop to the floor in a mangled fashion. Though, I do agree that both of those scenarios would be awesome, I just don't think everyone else would appreciate it. But seriously, I would much rather have a funeral where no one had to act or dress in a depressing way. I would much rather people come to my funeral to reflect on my life, share memories and laughs rather than crying. Don't cry because I'm gone. Be happy that maybe I moved on to a better place. Even if it is 20 feet in the ground. I would be happier knowing that people would celebrate the life I had lived rather than crying for the life I hadn't lived, regardless of my age. I have done every bit of my best to live my life the best I realistically can. I feel I have been living a good life aside from the downs and shades of gray that make up life. I do my best to do good things for people and the people closest to me.

I recently accepted a job at LDS Hospital in the emergency room as an EMT. I'm super stoked. I accomplished one of my goals after a year of relentless effort. I stuck with it and got what I wanted. There is a slim chance I could be hired at the University Hospital as an EMT, despite the fact I blew that interview 3 ways to Sunday. But that's ok. I would still like to work there for the experience of seeing more high profile patients. I will go on-call with my other jobs. If they try to call me in, I have the option to say no without consequence. I'm super stoked for the opportunity to have more hands-on patient care. Recently, I've had a bit of a debate of whether I want to go to Physician Assistant school or Medical school. I'm not considering PA school because I don't think I can do Medical school. I'm considering PA school for the flexibility. Rather than explain myself thoroughly I will just leave it at "It's an ongoing self-debate that infinitely confuses me on the direction I want to go." Regardless I want to do something in only medicine. I know it's the only type of work that could make me happy.

Aside from all that, I still live out in Murray with Brennon and Matt. Many good times have been had in our 5 month stay so far. We never fight. We just bottle up our rage until the last possible second, then unleash it on the elderly. It's the only way our friendship has survived. If only, that were true. That would actually make this blog interesting. But unfortunately, we are boring soulless hacks who rarely see each other. That's really the key in keeping us together. But when we do see each other, the times get crazy! Sometimes, Matt and I will read a book in the same room! Or what's even better is when Brennon and I talk for more than 6 minutes! I'm just kidding. We really have had some good times and I have loved every moment of being out out on my own despite the heavy financial burden that plagues my life.

Overall, I'm pretty happy with the way things have been going lately. I'm excited for the future. :)

There, I just stole a couple of minutes of your life. Be happy.

You’ll Never Understand The Opposite Sex You Fool! Part 2

Thats right. After a year and 2 months I have finally written a sequel to one of my most popular blogs. Now I know you're thinking "You uncreative lazy hack. You are so burnt out of ideas that you have to expand more on an originally crappy idea." If you were really thinking that, then you're right! But if you never read the first one, then this is probably all new and fresh to you. So in that case, it isn't crap! So read up you ignorant tool!

As I have said before, the personality gaps between genders will probably never be understood. It's ludicrous to even believe so. I don't know many men who actually want to watch a highly emotional movie just to have an excuse to cry. Likewise, I don't know many women who enjoy movies involving gross humor and immature acts that would only be funny to the average tard. I only hope that this profound breakthrough in unproven science, made by me, can help lessen these gaps of confusion.


1.Dress Code

Men have a right to be choosy about their clothes. A man's clothes can tell a lot about what they are saying to the world. Pretty much anything that has a V- neck sweater and cordoroy pants just screams "please, just beat me half to death then rape me in a creepy cornfield 4 states away." Any pants too tight will get cat calls and whistles repeatedly at construction sites. As a result, the tight pants wearer will be severely beaten for making everyone else "feel gay." Baggy clothes evidentally make you a "gangster" or "hard-ass" or "waste on society idiot." Men do care in a way how they are viewed by others. It can mean a severe raping, or just a good ol' fashion ass beating.

Women take picky clothes shopping to the limits by buying clothes for just about every situation imagineable. "I better get these pants, they will look good on in me sociology class next semester. Oh I better get this long sleeve shirt in case Jesus comes to smite me. Oh these shoes would go great with my 'I hate hanging out with these people' outfit." Every situation is taken into account and dressed for appropriately. To the outside observer, one might call this "psychotic." But it is practical in a way. That at least shows organization

In general, men wear just about whatever they please. It's typically a t-shirt, pants or shorts of no specific brand or special color, and shoes that they wear for a year, everyday, every month, all 4 seasons. To the male, it may seem like a girl is incapable of wearing the same thing twice. If a guy goes to a party and meets a guy who happens to be wearing the exact same thing as him, a strong friendship is usually formed. A friendship that usually says "hey you dress just like me. You like the same things as me. Well, I do like me. You cater to my ego. Let's be friends!" Whereas if a woman met someone with the same thing on as her, passive hatred would build and fake comments would later ensue. "Oh that looks so good on you, it's cute!" That may be what she says, but in her head the irrational thought of this is going through her head. "You stole my outfit! I thought I was unique buying a shirt that is sold in mass quantities! You bitch, you stole my soul!"


2.Problems

Girls too often make the mistake of assuming guys think like girls, without even realizing it. Aside from the stereotype girls have about guys only thinking about shagging the nearest female with a willing hole, they really do have a tendency to make the mistake that men think like women. A guy is most of the time, straight forward with what he says and what he is feeling.

Example:
Bob: How are you doing?
Bill: I'm ok I guess. Today has been a crazy day. Plus I punched a drunk hobo in the face. That made me feel pretty good.
Bob: Yeah, I know how that is.

That's it. It's all fact. There is absolutely nothing symbolic or anything with any hidden meaning.

Girls talk in code. A lot of their emotions are laced in their tone. If one girl acts up and clearly talks about something out of the norm, one girl will take it upon herself to crack the code with a group of friends.

Example:
Sally: All I did today was sit alone and not once get call from my friends. But I'm fine though. I really don't need anybody. I think I'm just going to sit alone some more than maybe eat some food.
Shirley: Is there something wrong?
Sally: I don't know. Figure it out.

After careful analysis with a group of friends who are also "concerned" (which is code for "curious") the group will come to this accurate and detailed conclusion.

Shirley: Basically Sally is angry that Bob didn't call her and none of her friends cared to console her. Then she ate at Taco Bell and none of her friends tried to stop her because she feels like she is getting fat. Also it seems like her mom got mad at her again for not dropping off that book she borrowed. I also think that Sally forgot to pick up her dry cleaning and is made at Ashley for blowing her off last week.

The sad thing is, her analysis is probably right.

But here is where the problem is. Girls look for symbolism and clues that aren't there in a guys conversation.

Sally: What are you going to do today?
Bob: Well I have to work, then I'm probably going to chill with Bill and have a good time.

Sally will automatically think: He must be mad because he didn't tell me everything in detail or mention me at all. He is clearly sad because the milkman is really his father.
Bob will think: I can't wait to get off work and chill with the guys. Today will be a great day full of detailess fun.

Of course the problem is visa versa. Guys don't look for clues in girls they don't know for years. Guys take all the words told as fact with no story or symbolism behind it. Oh what a sick twisted world we live in!


3.Responsibility

Girls and guys take responsibility in different ways. Girls tend to take unnecessary responsibilities to epic proportions.

Sally: It's Jill's birthday next Saturday.
Shirley: I don't know her very well. But I hear she is bitch.
Sally: Yeah same here. But lets throw her a party! There will be balloons, decorations, and all kinds of fun activities! It will be cute.
Shirley: You're right, this isn't crazy at all!

So basically 3 things can happen. They will throw the party for this stranger who will probably enjoy it for a few seconds, scoff, then blow them off for a better party, which will piss off every girl involved for days on end. OR- it will become more work than they thought. It won't be fun setting up the decorations, and girls will fight with each other about where what goes and such. Then everything won't be as pictured, the girl will stop by and still blow them off for a better party despite the thought put into it. But there is that slim chance it could all totally work out and everyone will be happy and new friendships will form and old friendships will become stronger. But for my point, I will opt to say no on that. As it is a rare occasion.

Men take responsbility to only it's needed goals and nothing more.

Bob: It's Jack's birthday next week.
Bill: That guy is a douche, why do I care?
Bob: You don't. And neither do I. I just wanted to hear you call him a douche.

Notice how the unnecessary responsibility was dodged with extreme prejudice. Now lets put real respnosbility into play.

Charles: It's Bob's birthday next Saturday.
Bill: Looks like we are buying buying beer next Saturday.
Charles: My thoughts exactly. So how was work?

Notice how zero thought or planning went into this decision. They knew what needed to be done with little planning as it would be pointless to be detailed in such a situation.


4.Setting-Up Friends

This is possibly the one thing that both men and women have the most in common with slight variances. And that is how they hook up their friends. It's a giant glob of white lies with smiles. I am here to help you translate these often confusing phrases that are used to distort reality.

When girls hook up their guyfriends with one of their friends, they use crafty wording to distract you while filling your head full of other things that make the person appear to have positive traits. Another technique used is to try to take negative traits and attempt to make them positive ones.

Bill: Is she good looking?
Shirley: She isn't ugly, but anyway she is super nice. And she has an interesting laugh. She reads a lot and likes to talk!
Bill: Wow, this girl sounds great. What is her personality like?
Shirley: She isn't that bitter and she doesn't go crazy as often. She shops at special stores only and she likes to laugh.
Bill: Wow, with all of these seemingly positive traits, she has to be awesome!

You have just been had,man! Basically, with hints such as, "isn't ugly", "speical store," and "interesting laugh" you are pretty much in for the girl who gets dated the least because of her size. Other hints such as "not that bitter" or "doesn't go crazy" also indicates that this girl is probably not as bitter or crazy as she used to be, but is still far from being sane.

When guys hook up their ladyfriends with their friends, guys are more willing to completely lie about it. Especially if they know their friend is physically and/or mentally defective.

Shirley: Is he good looking?
Bill: Orlando Bloom would be jealous. And he almost had a modelling contract.
Shirley: Wow! what is he like?
Bill: Well he certainly does not like video games or japanese animation. He is very social and doesn't blame his problems on society. And is the funniest guy, I've ever known.
Shirley: This just keeps getting better and better. Has he had a relationship before?
Bill: Well no. But that's just because he is waiting for the right one.

You have just been had, woman! Basically, if you hear anything that sounds unrealistic it probably is. Guys hook up their friends on the basis of "It's Opposite Day!" So be weary, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably really is. Just expect everything to be the exact opposite of what was promised. You are probably getting stuck with the friend with the least social skills, personality, and looks.



So if you finished reading this thinking "You're an idiot and comletely full of shit." Then you're on to me. But if you thought this was funny, then you're awesome. Of course, I don't mean any of this. This was only meant for humor purposes. I hope you enjoyed reading this horrible stereotype with poorly written thoughts. As I enjoyed writing aimless small insults of gender intelligence. Nothing can possibly help you and your quest to understand the opposite sex. It's futile!

If you want to see the first one, its' still posted in my archives. Posted on July 19th, 2006.

Thanks again, and please comment!

Subscribe if you haven't. :)

Life As I Lived It: Part 2: Partings

Life is full of givings we take for granted every day. It can range from our health to the kindness of a close friend. From the love of a family member to the selfless unrecognized kindness of a stranger. Even with all the great givings in this world, there is unfortunately a fair share of partings.

My great grandmother has not been well lately. She fractured her femur back in May trying to get out of bed. Her health has been poor for years and was only getting worse with each passing day. Her fall came as a harsh reminder that our family may soon have to part with it's eldest and most cared for member. After being admitted to the local hospital in Idaho days after the incident took place, there came a difficult decision.

Surgery.

She had a 10% chance of walking again without surgery and 20% with surgery. Before she fell, she rarely walked as it was. Her overall health made it difficult to walk and be active. My Grandfather and his brother (her sons) decided to go with the surgery much to the dismay of my dad and I. Elderly people typically don't recover well from surgery. Their bodies simply don't have the energy to repel infection and recover from the anesthesia. My great grandmother is in her late 80's. I knew the coming months would not go well for her. From my grandfather's stand point, I realize he just wants to give her the chance to walk and live out her life. And perhaps to escape the guilt that if he didn't go with the surgery, maybe he would be cheating her of an extended and able life. From a realistic stand point, she rarely walked before the fracture and the surgery would be a larger health risk as the doctors had warned.

The surgery did not go well. Her bones were too brittle. Her femur was fractured several more times during the operation. She had to go in for a second operation in order to repair the additional damage done. After the operation, the bigger worry was blood loss and the possibility of fatty substances causing a clot. Luckily, none of that happened. However, she never fully recovered from the anesthesia. She was often confused and would rarely make sense. In the following months, they would put her in a nursing home so she would be under constant supervision. Her mental status was deteriorating. Though her speech was coherent, her sentences had no relevance. The facility found it difficult to treat her appropriately. Her confused state made her combative and uncooperative. It weakend her substantially and only got worse from there.

I recently found out last week that her condition has gone beyond the help of her nursing facility. Another difficult decision was made to not put in a feeding tube. The decision from there was to put her on hydration fluids only and keep her as comfortable as possible. She is slowly dying.

As my great grandmother's life is starting to come to an end, I realize that mine is truly at the beginning. I regret that her and I had not been closer. Though I have lived in Utah my entire life while she lived in Idaho for hers, I regret not taking more time to get to know her. She served as the matriarch of my family. At every single reunion and family event, I rarely took the time to talk to her. I wish now that I had taken the time to benefit from her 85 years of life. Hearing what she had learned, hearing about the life she lived, hearing how she made it through tough times. I never took the opportunity to benefit from the wisdom of our most beloved family member.

Advice and wisdom is one of the most priceless and cherished commodity we have on Earth. Secondary to love I think. I have seen and learned a lot in my 20 years of life. A lot of what I've learned has helped make me who I am now, and will likely help determine the man I will grow up to be for the remainder of my life. I would like to share more of what I have learned as I did in the previous blog. I hope that some of what I say has some sort of meaning or substanance to someone. I would never want to die knowing that I didn't make a difference or what I learned in my life could have helped someone better their own life, whether I knew it or not. I hope that what I have learned can mean as much to someone else as it does to me.




Control is not just over other people or objects. Control is something you must learn to do for yourself. Not just outward emotions like anger or extreme happiness. But being able to control your impulsive wants. Being able to control your adaption to change. Being in control of who you are and where you're going. No one else controls that but you. Unless you want someone else to. Then you become nobody in your own eyes.

If you give 100% effort, then you can expect 100% results, good or bad. If you give yourself to somebody 150% then you get nothing in return. Not because you're not good enough, but because you made it too easy.

If you spend too much time wondering about the what if's, the what should have been's, and the what could have been's, then you spend too much time not preventing those questions in the future.

Expecting things to just "work out" with no effort is one thing. Being severely disappointed that nothing worked itself out is another. In the long run, nothing just happens without effort aside from the coincidences that make life interesting. Life is only what you make it.

Revenge is a road that will take you in circles. If you take revenge on someone, the person who you did it to will seek it upon you. If not them, then someone very close to them. Then you will feel like you have to get them back and the cycle repeats.

Selfishness can leave a person empty inside. Not because they don't get what they want when they want it. But because they blame their selfish actions on someone else.

If you want something, you can TRY to achieve it. Even if you do your best, you may not get what you want. As it turns out, life isn't always about getting what you want.

You can doubt what you truly believe in. Whether it be family, friends, love, religion, etc. It doesn't hurt anyone until you let it consume you. Then you start doubting yourself.

You can't depend on someone else too heavily to give you meaning, give you a reason to get out of bed, or give you a reason to live your life happily. Then you're giving someone else too much power to live and take the life you have been given. If you don't take the time to live life for yourself, then you'll be used.

You can never be truly alone in life unless you let yourself be. The only person who can you make you lonely is you. Blaming everyone else for your lack of effort to change your situation is selfish and egotistical. Nothing and no one just comes to you.




It's not my best words of advice. But I know they aren't useless either. I hope that one day, I can feel like I've truly reached out and helped other people. Not just through my writing, but through my regular behavior and other endeavors.

Thank you for reading.

Ps. I apologize to everyone in advance if I become moody as the days go by. These next couple of weeks will not be easy. I have been waiting sullenly and silently to hear of my grandmothers passing away. It's a moment I am not looking forward to.

Pirates of Hollywood and the Sell-Out Mystery Curse

It's strange how Disney is associated with family oriented fun devoid of swearing, sex, and violence. I had felt the same way until I saw Pirates of the Carribean 3. Despite the lack of profanity, I thought it was one of the most violent films I had seen since Saving Private Ryan. More people died in that movie than all 3 Robocop movies combined. Rambo looked like one of the Care Bears and James Bond was just a mere fart in the wind. Just because its a Disney film does not mean it is not violent. Shootings, stabbings, decapitations, impaling, and horribly drowning were the main themes of this movie. Though the story was mildly captivating, it just didn't have that Disney theme where it taught kids good values or morals (but rarely both) You will not see these lessons in this movie

1. Do not kill unhygenic bearded men
2. Don't hate the British
3. Don't distrust the British
4. Stabbing people repeatedly is bad
5. Hanging people is bad
6. Prostitution is typically unacceptable
7. Pirate sex is 17th century slang for STD's
8. Lying is bad
9. Don't distrust women

Apparently the people who rated the movie felt the lack of blood was not enough to warrant it as violence. The sexual inuendos were overlooked. And the overall poor writing and ending were enough to make it so it should never be seen by the public again.

I loved the part where they captured the voodoo woman and she suddenly grows 10x her size. Apparently cursed pirate voodoo values censorship and made it so her clothes adjusted to her outrageous overgrowth. Despite being 10x her size, she failed to be 10x her weight and did not sink the ship or break through the floor she stood on. Physics were defied. I'm sure back in the 1700's a black woman bent on revenge growing 10x her size was feared as equivalent to the apocolypse. Disney writers felt that it would have been wrong to touch on racism or slurs used at the time and decided to focus more on things that were less offensive like exploding people and stabbing anything with two feet. At that point she turned into a pile of crabs that collapsed upon the pirate crew. It sent a stern message that oversized pirate women (though powerful and somewhat angry) will make it so that you have to purchase specially prescribed shampoos and combs for a solid month. Combing through your pumpkin patch is no laughing matter.

Then something cool happens. Pirates gather. Flags raise. All this creative build up in the movie gets you pumped for a large battle. Then nothing happens except for an upclose fight featuring an unlimited crew twice the size of the ships they serve. Witty banter is exchanged in the fighting quite happily despite the fact everyone in the background appears to be suffering a variety of horrible deaths. A few more people die for about half an hour then it wraps up in the usual Disney way that just leaves you full of ambition to get your money back.

Overall, not a bad movie. Though the plot is completely ludicrous. Ludicrous to the point where the writers could have thrown ET in there and it still could have worked. I just hope they don't make a 4th one like it was hinted about the fountain of youth. If you're excited for this, please do yourself a favor and do not allow yourself to be taken by this false emotion. Allow me to predict the outcome of that movie. Everyone goes to Florida to find the fountain of youth. Ponce de Leon will be there already. He will be young, attractive, decieving and full of angst because he won't allow himself to die. He will then warn everyone that it has a pirates curse (which will never be explained). Cutting to the chase through a poorly written plot, Orlando Bloom will cleverly kill Ponce de Leon, like drowing him in the fountain of youth. Johnny Depp will stumble about clumsily for 2 hours, break the curse of the fountain in a semi-humorous fashion. Somewhere in the mix of this Kiera Knightley will have sex with Orlando Bloom and the easily forgettable background characters will say just as easily forgettable witty lines. The end will feature a hint for a 5th one featuring the curse of the new world and an ancient Native American treasure. Squanto will somehow have a role as a main character.

Oh and Keith Richards is Jack Sparrow's father in the 3rd one, Which is weird. His natural ghoulish looks and personality should have landed him a character as an evil ghost. But oh well, beggers can't be choosers.



Enjoy.

Life As I Lived It

I remember when I was 18, I had ambitions of starting a new band and touring the United States. It was all so perfect in my mind. The only flaw was that I was alone in this. For the next 8 months following graduating from high school, I desperately tried to get a group of people together to jam with. Part of the problem was that it was always poorly planned. The other part of the problem was that I was recruiting notoriously flaky people for bandmates. Then one day, I just stopped trying. I decided that I should keep going to work and school. At the time I was still working in Dietary at Cottonwood Hospital and went to school only because I knew my dad would kill me if didn't.

It's strange to think I left Cottonwood Hospital about a year from this day ago. Since then I've had 3 different medical jobs. As much as I hated that job and 80% of the people associated with it, I can't help but admit that it helped get me to where I am now. True, I'm more or less an underpaid pawn, lackey, jockey, etc, etc.

I didn't think of the future very much then. Come to think of it, I don't think about it very much now. It all seems too hazy to think about now. Much is left to be uncertain. Though, when I daydream about the future, I don't see anything realistic. I mostly see myself being 35 with low ambitions to move to a Southern state under the alias of J.W. Clifton. An uneducated, wealthy Southern gentlemen. I would talk about the weather, cotton farming and a longing for General Robert E. Lee to rise to presidency to clean up the yankees.

I have learned a lot from my past experiences. They have helped me sculpt my future experiences. I would like to share a few small pieces of advice I have concocted the past year. I hope they find you well.



Choose your friends carefully. They can sometimes represent you more than you represent yourself.

If you love like you've never been hurt, then you never learn. If you love like you've been scarred, then you never trust. If you love too selectively, then nothing is good enough. If you love too easily, then you get taken advantage of. If you love with all your sincerity and heart, and everything still goes wrong, love anyway. You can't always win, but love isn't about winning and losing. It's about knowing that at one point or another in your life, you cared about someone more than yourself.

Forget the people who tried to hurt you, forgive the ones who did. But always remember what happened, it won't be the last time someone else tries to hurt you the same way.

Hate, pity, and jealousy are poisons that consume and change people for life. Happiness, kindness, and love are shades of light that are seen the most and remembered the least.

If you don't learn patience, how do you ever expect to wait for the right person?

Dreams can be followed or they can be captured. How much do they really mean to you?

Be kind often, but not condenscending.

You can't expect people to thank you for helping make them who they are now. At the most, all you can hope for is that the role you played in their life was for the better.

If you hold on too tight to anything for too long, it will still escape.

If you don't hold on to anything, you can't expect to progress.

If you believe in something else more than yourself, you can't expect your endeavors to just "work out."

There's a difference between arrogance and confidence. If you don't bother to tell the difference, you may be misjudging someone.



That's just a small amount of things I have learned. Maybe again I will share more.

Thanks.

Restaurant Etiquette That Prevents E.Coli

Everyone nowadays just doesn't know how to dine these days. Even worse, no one knows how to act at a drive through. My theory is, if we would just be a tad bit kinder to the restaurant staff, we could ultimately prevent food poisoning.

Drive Thru Tips:

Anytime you're at the drive thru, it's easy to feel a lot less personalized when dealing with the staff. If your friends are in the background laughing obnoxiously, or even you yourself is having trouble containing your laughter, you're pretty much screwed

What you said: I would like double cheeseburger. *keee* with fries (suddenly loud laughter in the background) Ha ha ha ha ha. I'm sorry. Let me start over. I would like a Cheeseburger and.....ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

What they heard: I would like every item of my meal smothered in your bodily fluids because I'm a disrespecting jackass. It doesn't matter what the food tastes like just as long as I pay for it and get it. Oh and can I also get that with a side of horrible customer service and a supersized "fuck you"?

When you go to pick up your food at the window, don't try to be cute or funny. Most of the time they hate their jobs and hating you definitely comes with that package.

What you say: Wow you're really busy. Sucks to be you. Have a good night!

What they say after you drive away: I'll remember your face till the day I die and if I see you here again you'll give a shit patty burger.

If you're white and an asshole, then you probably assume that just about everyone in fast food speaks spanish. Don't be condescending and try to "speak their language."

You being a dumbass: Yo quiero soda pop de coca cola and cheeseburgero with papas fritas. Comprende Paco?!

Person at the window: I'm a white french canadian.

Mexican Restaurant Tips:

Mexican food is life's overpriced laxative and gas inducer. For only 5 bucks you can feel like bowels are about to explode. For an extra 79 cents your bowels really will explode! It's a sale on your life. Everything that was healthy in your body must go!

Mexican food is a tricky one. Because a lot of the food was originally created by white people in Texas. Not all Mexicans know what the dishes are. Ignorant people think they are learning the Spanish language by memorizing the food platters. And if you're not careful ordering, the puns could kill you.

Never ask for "extra sour cream." By that point you're pretty much just begging for the "Salty Semen Surprise." And more importantly, don't ask for a lot smashed beans. The beans will look like shit, smell like shit, taste like shit, but damn it you are so convinced it's authentic you just keep stuffing your face.

Sit Down Restaurant Tips:

As I've said before, try to be funny with the staff. I'm sure it gets annoying. The people sitting with you might think you are witty or charming, but the person working for your tip thinks you're a cheap asshole. So it doesn't matter how you act. They will probably get the same tip anyway. If you're specifically just witty to the staff in hopes that good things will happen, you're an idiot. Here is a list of things you are least likely to hear as a result of your crappy humor, bad judgement and bad timing.

You're so funny! I don't want to get paid at all! This meal is free!
Wow, you're wit is impressive, how about you get promoted from customer, to store owner!
I can't remember the last time I heard something so funny from someone as attractive as you.
Are you famouse or something because, you would have to be to make up something that great.

I'm sure you get the idea.

Don't be a crappy tipper. If service was horrible then yes it is appropriate to not tip as much. But if the service was great if not exceeding your expectations, don't leave 50 cents and a note you scrawled on a dirty napkin that says "Thank you :)" That's not only rude as hell but chances are your tires will be slashed before you get to your car.



Well that's all for now. Perhaps I'll write a sequel if I get bored enough or if I get good feedback from this one. I don't know where I came up with the idea for this. It just randomly came to me despite the fact I was in somewhat of a crappy mood while coming up with this.

Thanks for reading. :)

Just Because I Rock Doesn't Mean I'm Made of Stone

Welcome to my update blog, friendly reader. It's been a while since I've written a blog. I've been slacking on my writing lately. For those who don't know, I try to put out 2 blogs a month. Typically one life update and one random one, typically humorous. So here is the life update one with attempts at humor.

So as many of you know, I live out in Murray with a couple of good friends of mine. (who are arguably the least sanitary of all my friends) Brennon and Matt have made the past couple of months quite memorable with random parties and drunken tales that Irish veterans may not be able to surpass (I say "may" because come on...Irish.) It's been a great time so far. We'll be there till January. Woot!

I am currently working 3 jobs. How crazy is that? I went back to my job at Alta View Lab for the summer. I am only there temporarily. Therefore, I have happily taken the title of "disgruntled temp" in order to establish the fact that I am not there to stay. Aside from that I'm still working in radiology and cardiology. Those are both pretty sweet gigs. I just barely signed up to volunteer at the Univeristy Hospital emergency room. I'm pretty stoked about that. Hopefully it will lead me to a job as an EMT there. That has been my short term goal. To get a job as an EMT, preferably at the U.

Is it just me, or does anyone else have urges to pretend to be someone else for kicks lately? I have recently had the idea of wanting to pose as a man under the alias of Boris, a pre Cold War Russian with a cheasy accent. (not Nikolai) I would put people under the guise that I'm a naive 29 year old with boyish young looks. I would talk about Communist Russia in all its glory and how the KGB wanted my help because I looked so American. As a bonus for my own personal entertainment, I would go around pronouncing English words how they are actually spelled rather than how they are actually said. Observe.

What eese thee matter? Dos yuur stomatch ack? In my cowntree we wold lanch missle at infected persones so they woldn't get thee rest. Good times. If onlee we still had missle to destroy American ambition. .

I would get all kinds of odd looks. But everyone would just think I came from an underprivelaged era and that I just "don't get" what it means to be American.

Actually this is pretty ludicrous and have had no ambition to pose as a man named Boris. Though that would be fun

I'm done writing. Enjoy

Who Have I Been?

I haven't felt like myself lately. This past month has most certainly been a rollercoaster for me. I can't concentrate. I can't focus. I can't get anything done. I'm so much more forgetful. I'm easily irritated. I'm impulsive. I get random days where I just suddenly feel stripped of my energy and happiness. I haven't felt this way in so long.

It feels so wrong and isolating to feel this way. I know that something is wrong. But I don't know what. I want to pick myself up. But I don't know if I have fallen. If I haven't been myself, who have I been? I know this can't all be stress. I know there has to be more to this and no matter how I try I can't quite put my finger on it.

I feel like everything that keeps me tied together is coming loose. Knot by knot I'm coming undone. It feels like I'm being torn apart from the inside. As if I am my own destruction. My days haven't been that stressful. My financial situation is strenuous but not bad. And yet I can't help but feel like I'm carrying a large weight upon my chest. A weight I cannot define nor see. A weight that's crushing me and stealing my breath.

I know the past 4-5 blogs I've written recently have been more humorous than dark. But I honestly dont know how to fix or process the way I am feeling. For the first time in a long time, I'm feeling lost. I feel like even I don't know who I am anymore. I wish I knew how or why this is happening because this is starting to happen more often than not. I'm not as level as I usually am. I'm either up or I'm down.

I'm sorry to those who have experienced my abnormal behavior recently. It's been something I've been unable to predict, notice or control (or not until it's too late) I wish I knew what was going on. I wish this was something I knew more about. I used to feel this way a lot throughout high school. When I didn't have this problem anymore for a year or two, I figured it was something I just grew out of. But now that it has returned to haunt me again, I'm scared that it will make a longer stay.

Well that it.

P.S here is a quick overview of what's new in case you didnt know: moved out to Murray with Matt and Brennon, possibly taking my EMT Intermediate class this summer, and I might go back to working for Alta Vew Lab again. 

Super Powers and Business

As I sit in this dark room at home, I begin to ponder the things I should have done with my life. Not that I feel like my life has been meaningless or anything. There is just a couple of things I wish I had made possible in my younger years. Granted, I'm only 20 and there probably wasn't much I could have done anyway.
But still, I wish I had some sort of bragging rights about my childhood. Here is a small list of things I wish I could say I have done in my life.
*When I was 9, I created Chuck Norris
*When I was 14 I traveled back in time and invented alcohol, sexual intercourse and the bolt action rifle (in that order).
*When I was 6 I wrestled a bear and tossed it into a nearby ditch. (and by tossed I mean dropkicked......hard)
*At the age of 17 I once again traveled back in time with the mission of stopping Prince from ever putting out another album.
*At the tender age of 15 I ate four 72 oz steaks in an hour. I would spend the first 45 minutes filling up on bread and harassing the waitress staff.
Far fetched? Maybe. But here is another thing I wish I achieved. I wish I had some sort of minor super powers. Nothing crazy. Most people would wish for super powers that included hearing and seeing everything, the ability to kill easily and not be killed easily and the ability to not be seen.
Not me.
I wish I had powers that were a little less exciting and less desired. Like the ability to detect minor celebrities within a 100 ft radius of me. Nobody really cares to look for a minor celebrity until they are pointed out by someone else. This would help me in really minor ways. Like if I'm stuck in a long line at the grocery store and suddenly my minor celebrity sense goes off, I would just blurt "Look everyone! It's Wheel of Fortune's Pat Sajak. Rush him!" Mr. Sajak probably would not appreciate me exploiting his minor celebrity status just so I could move to the front of the line to buy a box of week-old doughnuts for 35 cents. But come on, how cool would that be?! Minor celebrities would finally be getting the non-media attention they deserved. Bob Barker would once again be a king among mortal men. Local news anchors will be forced to purchase their groceries online. And the guy who does the voice of Spongebob Squarepants would never have a moment's peace.
Aside from the things I want and can't have, I have also realized the many things I can't do in life. Even if they aren't that hard. Like being a photographer for instance. I'm not photogenic myself and for some reason I inadvertantly take that out on everyone else by taking the most unflattering, poorly timed pictures of people. I would be an awful and unethical photographer; and probably know it too. I would go into the personal portrait business and charge people ridiculous amounts of cash because I would claim myself to be an "artist." No one would know I was a fraud until it was much too late. I would make people do the most degrading things and create the illusion it was my artistic interpretation all along. "Now stare into the sun until your retinas melt to the front of your brain. Try not to squint. I'm going for a 'no stranger to pain' kind of look."
I could never do anything that has to do with the business industry either. I would either crash the economy or just fail miserably at it and lose the will to live. I wouldn't know where to start. I couldn't ever think of something as genius as the urinal cake or the trailer park. I would probably just take used stuff that no longer serves a purpose and try to sell it with a new purpose. One such idea would be to take sandpaper thats been used so much it could reused again......as toilet paper. Of course there would be no exact guidelines as to how used the sandpaper must be in order to recycle the toilet paper. Some squares might be more smooth while others might be barely used. Every square you use would be playing a game of asswipe roulette. The back up plan in case that failed would be to make insanely cheap condoms. 50% recycled sandwich bags, 50% recycled newspaper. 100% pregnancy. They'll be affordable to everyone for under 35 cents. I'll even sweeten the deal for my own personal amusement and put on the back of the box "Warning: do not use for sex." I'm willing to bet that the cheap price will likely coax them into taking a chance in order to get laid. Poor logic would intervene in the thought process "if they don't work then why are they on the market?" "Why buy five $10 condoms when you can by 100 cheap condoms for $1?" If that fails or some agency led by a group of angry mothers shuts me down, then oh well. I at least got into the prestigous business of manufacturing condoms.
I will stop this blog now. I'm quite bored of writing this and it has taken a wear on my writing. My boredom has also stolen my ability to write semi-humorous blogs and anything that can hold the average American attention span.

Arizona, You One Crazy Mofo

I wrote this while on the plane to Phoenix. You'll notice by the inane rambling that I was quite bored and delightfully absurd. Enjoy.
Flying from El Paso was semi-eventufl. I had to fly into Phoenix to connect to my flight in Salt Lake. For a while, nothing was happening. Every 20 minutes or so I would see a city that looked roughly the size of a gas station and a herd of sheep put next to each other. Then suddenly, the city of Phoenix appeared and all I could see was low income housing for as far as the eye could permit. I looked below to find that every house in nearly every neighborhood had a swimming pool. It was incredibly ridiculous. You could trash your pool with your feces one night then hop the fence and hit your neighbors and your neighbors neighbors. Using pools for their non intended purpose can be exhausting and cause heat stroke. At the end of the block you can finally take a swim and invite all your friends. I laught at the fact they had large community pools. What's the damn point? You could hop a fence and land in a pool from a movie theatre line. As the plane started it's approach to the landing strip things started to get a little bigger. You could make out the colors of the cars below finally. The pools became more clear to see. There was a couple of times at the community pools where you could actually see individual people from nearly 20,000 feet above the ground. At first I thought there was one person in the water and the water helped magnify their appearance. But when I looked around the community pool's parking lots the one speck didn't justify the amount of cars parked there. It came down to one solution. Fat people big enough to be seen by an aerial view of 20,000 feet. I thought well they had the water to help make them visible so it's not fair. Not long after I thought that I could start seeing some fat people just on the concrete of the side of the pool. Now that's just sad. People can see your fat whale ass standing by a pool at an extremely high altitude. Wow. Those obesity statistics weren't lying.
Shortly after we landed at the Phoenix airport the pilot of the plane announced it was 2:56. I forgot Arizona was one hour behind the rest of the western states. Just to be funny I exclaimed kind of loudly "Holy crap, I travelled back in time! I must warn my past self that the flight to Phoenix will be boring and that I will see a ridiculous amount of backyard pools as I land!" My mom and sister just rolled their eyes and the people looked at me as if I said something of complete blasphemy. Rather impressed with my remark I walked off the plane and called RJ to alert him of the fact that I was in his new recent home state. We talked for a few minutes and then he got off the phone in favor of keeping his job. Shortly after he texted me on my cell phone to go to the airport bookstore because there is porno magazines there. Funny thing was that I was already in the store trying to take a picture of myself in front of the nude magazine rack partly hidden behind shroud of white plastic. But alas I was stopped by an airport official. (the store sales associate) She first asked if I was 18. I said I was 20. She then said that it was illegal for me to take a picture of myself in there next to the cover nude magazines without the written consent of a high up airport official. They then banished me from the store after I purchased my dayqil cold pills. Disgruntled and torn I took a picture of my disappointed face to send to RJ to let him know I had failed. I had no intention of purchasing such a magazine, no less at an airport. I just thought it would have been funny.
currently I'm flying over the Grand Canyon. It's quite a beautiful view. But the more I look at it the more I realize that it serves as Mother Earth's vagina. The end of the world won't be because of an angry god or global warming. I predict a male pornstar sized asteroid will ravage the Grand Canyon to a pleasurable explosion. At that point the flying Earth chunks of debris will fly until they orbit a convenient sun and grow and harbor life of their own one day. It's sensible. Aside from the view I'm also flying in jet that I'm confident was a bomber plane that helped defeat that damned Kaiser in WWI and again to topple the Nazi's in WWII. It wouldn't surprise me either if it flush out "commies" in Vietnam. The upholstery looks as if it might have been redone right around the time I was born. The overhead warning lights such as the no smoking signal and seatbelt signal are missing in random places. I also noticed the convenient armchair ashtrays. Which is funny because it's a non-smoking flight as all of them are. The really kids in front of me have their own seats. Not one of them looks like they are capable of being able to recite the ABC's without starting over at least once. Their parents are in the aisle across from them dead asleep while they jump up and down and scream in their seat. Judging by the smell, I'm confident one of those kids had to have shit themselves more than 4 hours ago. They are now roaming about in a smeared pile of their own feces, causing my already irritated sinuses to feel pain in ways that could only be matched by a debilitating sinus eroding disease.
Overall my experience in Arizona (airport) was comical and presented a very positive view on how I see towns from close to 20,000 feet. I'm enlightened.
I'm tired now. I'm done writing

I Can't Believe I Used to Watch That Crap! Part II

Due to extreme boredom, I decided to write a part two about old cartoon shows. I write this to bring you back to the days of cartoon intros full of fast paced synthesized 90's music, corny theme songs, and when eating pizza was the coolest thing to do. I will bring you back to days when cartoons were good. Well kind of. These are examples of crappy cartoons. But still, we all might remember some of these.
Let's just say, they stopped making good cartoons a long long long time ago.

California Raisins:
There is no other explanation for this except for one word: Hippies. Only hippies could have possibly concocted something about singing raisins. More like the singing munchies. A group of raisins that tour the country and sing all the classic hits of the 60's and 70's. Yeah.....I think that explanation speaks for itself.
The Magic Schoolbus:
Educational. Very. But how do you come up with a schoolbus with the ability to do anything? Once again, I think this has to do with well intentioned hippies on acid. I can already see how the show came together. "Dude I was totally gone last night. After we bought the acid we broke into a gnarly school bus. I kept tripping out. I kept having illusions that the bus would shrink and I was the driver. I could go into my own stomach and see how it works. After that I went to pluto and proved how cold it was. We should make a cartoon about it and name the main character after the bubbly acid I took. How about Mrs. Frizzle?" How the hell did these people get jobs?
Robocop: The Animated Series:
All I will say is this: The day this show came on air was the day the world stopped caring about children.
MTV's New Kids On the Block:
That's right. New Kids on the Block, the earliest boy band of the 90's had a cartoon made after them. It almost makes me want to vomit and sit on a pinecone. Would anybody ever classify this as quality programming? The plots were all the same. They went concert to concert and had little adventures before they were on stage. Such crazy adventures like riding skateboards, meeting girls and eating pizza. The show would always end with them skateboarding away into the back of their tourbus as a parade of girls chased them. How do the artists and writers live with themselves for even putting this on tv?
Extreme Dinosaurs:
These aren't just any dinosaurs. They are EXTREME Dinosaurs. These dinosaurs have technology beyond our years, fly jets, firm six packs and possess weapons that any advanced civilization beyond our world would be jealous of. These dinosaurs fight crime for humans against other dinosaurs who evidentally dont like humans. I don't know anyone who ever watched this show, but if you're reading this and remember being a huge fan.......I'm sorry that you were born.
Street Sharks:
I almost forgot about this one. Although a part of me wishes that I had. This cartoon is about 4 normal guys who get transformed into humanoid sharks by science. I don't know what kind of scientist would think that would be a good idea or would even think that would have "Nobel Prize" written all over it. But after these people get transformed into humanoid sharks, they realize they can carve under and through streets like water. If I was a taxpayer, I would be pissed that these sharks were causing more constructions and ruining my commute to work. I would protest they be put to sleep at once! Anyway they realize they want to fight crime and ride motorcycles. That's basically it.......Wow.
Hammerman:
Believe it or not, this cartoon is about MC Hammer. This makes me laugh just thinking about it. In the cartoon he has magical shoes that not only help him bust a move in his famous hammer pants, but they also talk and help him fight crime. When he steps into the shoes, he magically sports an all black outfit with some bling. Thanks to these magic shoes, he is able summon musical notation to beat up bad guys and help him fly. I wish I was making this up.
Captian Simian and the Space Monkeys:
This is about a monkey that was thought lost by NASA but found by highly advanced extraterrestrial beings who decide to make him an intelligent space hero. He then commands a starship of his own monkey compadres who help him battle the evil of the universe. Thanks to him being a monkey and all, he is able to shoot guns with all four hands and give high fives with his feet. They appear to fight villians with the ability to shoot their brain and spinal cord out and attempt to strangle them. Human art and creativity at it's finest.  The Renaissance don't even match this artistic beauty.
In case you're asking yourself, "Gee wiz, what good cartoons did come out of t his era?" Allow me to list a few: Eek the Cat, Talespin, Duck Tales, Chip and Dale Rescue Ranger, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Transformers, X-men, Spiderman, Batman, Superman, Mighty Max, Darkwing Duck, Inspector Gadget, Swat Cats, He-man, Rocko's Modern Life, Ren and Stimpy, Animaniacs, Pinky and the Brain, Ahh, Real Monsters, and many many more I'm sure you can think of.
 I hope you enjoyed this 2 part series of attempts at humor. :)

I Can't Believe I Used to Watch That Crap! Part I

Can you remember when we were kids and the cartoons we used to watch? Don't get me wrong, many of the cartoons we used to watch still kick ass but many of them actually sucked in real life. Allow me to point these out to you.
Biker Mice From Mars:
When I was younger, I even knew this show was stupid. Its about 3 humanoid mice who escape Mars which has been taken over by hostile aliens. They come to Earth on motorcycles to defend it from the same aliens that took over Mars. Evidentally the giant mice are welcomed by Earth instead of shunned because of their smaller counterparts infamous title of being four-legged disease bags.
Captain Planet:I've rant ranted about captain planet before, but seriously, why did that cartoon stay on the air for so long? In case you're not familiar with the show, it's a tree hugger show. It features 5 kids who have the ability to summon a blue man with a green mullet to clean up trash and thwart evil doers who have the intentions of cutting down rain forests and polluting our waters. I wish I was kidding. Sure the intentions were good, but all I got out of it is that people from the Soviet Union like to pollute and hate everybody and trusting tacky blue men with green mullets might help you clean stuff you don't care about when your 6. If you're curious, I know for a fact there is parts of episodes on the myspace videos section, be prepared to be thoroughly unimpressed.
Free Willy: The Animated Series
It's bad enough they made a 3 part sequel of that lame movie, but they had to go the extra mile to make it an animated series. In this version, the whale can talk. The supervillian is a half robotic man bent on trapping whales and/or destroying them in a large submarine. Together, the whale and the boy make a great aquatic crime fighting team. I don't know how you can make episodes about a whale and a 10 year old boy fighting oceanic crimes. That's like the ultimate handicapped crime fighting duo.
Gargoyles:
I couldn't think of a worse concept than dinosaurs defending New York City. I know they are gargoyles and not quite dinosaurs, but really, thats all they are is dinosaurs with wings. I really don't see what made this show so damn popular for kids of my generation. Each episode was relatively the same. At night, they broke out of their stone and defeated petty thugs and some guy who wanted to destroy them repeatedly.
James Bond Jr:
This is about James Bond Senior's love child (one of many) who was lucky enough to be named after his dad (and know who is dad was) I actually watched this show. Thanks to this show, I learned to be a charming British womanizer with a crack team of people who weren't as good as me when it came down to it. This show was cheasy on so many levels. But to address one obvious one, he had to introduce himself at least once an episode as "Bond. James Bond (pause to hold for a effect) Junior. If I was a villian and Bond Jr. introduced himself my first thought would be "Damn it, one of Mr. Bond's illegitimate children finally went somewhere. I knew this day would come."
King Arthur and the Knights of Justice:
Sounds pretty normal right? The answer is no. In this show, the real King Arthur and his knights of the round table are captured. Merlin with his all-wise knowledge goes to the future and enlists a high school football team named the knights to bring them back in time and protect camelot. It's a full proof idea! Protecting a legendary city/castle with 17 year old arrogant assholes who know how to throw a ball and catch it while wearing a vast arsenal of padding. Nevermind you can go forward in time and enlist a historian who knows the tactics of the European kingdoms and military personnel from around the world. Yep, football automatically qualifies you to fight 14th century battles.
The Mighty Ducks: The Animated Series:
I'm not even sure where to start on this. It really blows my mind. This show features actual humanoid ducks from another dimension who play ice hockey. Somehow they get trapped on Earth and become a super hockey team there. They set up their headquarters in an old run down hockey ring where in their spare time, they fight the scum of the world. Their pads are equipped with all the things necessary to start World War III and win. The show sends a strong message that when you mess with ducks on skates, you will definitely pay the price.
Pokemon:I think just about everyone was guilty of watching this for a while. It's a Japanese cartoon where creatures known as pocketmonsters or pokemon for short, are captured in balls and used to fight other pokemon in competitions. The only words these pokemon could say were their own names. I remember going through school and having people wish with all their hearts that pokemon were real so they could battle people. We actually do have something similiar to this. They are called cockfights. Please refer to Mexico for all your cockfight needs.
Rocket Power:
This cartoon came around when the "extreme" age was starting. Where extreme sports were huge. This show follows 4 kids who love extreme. They are pretty much good at everything they pick up and pull off tricks that are beyond the laws of what we call physics. From skateboarding to rollerblading, they do it all while throwing in buzzwords like "radical" "gnarly" "bodacious" and other slang we didn't even consider cool at that age.
Super Mario World: The Animated SeriesDon't get me wrong, I loved Super Nintendo as much as the next guy. But not that much to have a cartoon made out of Super Mario World. Pretty ridiculous. Mario and Luigi were the start of the ultimate Italian stereotype. Eating pizza as often as they could while managing to save a princess that portrayed women as fragile and utterly helpless. This features lines like "Now the plan is complete and now nothing can stop me. Not even Mario!" Just then Mario busts through the wall on cue and does stop the complete unstoppalbe plan.
And finally, I have these last few to address into one category. I felt it would be unfair not to even though they aren't cartoons.
Big Bad Beetleborgs, VR Troopers, The Masked Rider, Super Human Samurai-Cyber Squad, Tattooed Teenage Alien Figters from Beverly Hills, (I didn't make that up) and of course, The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers:Every single one of these are the same. Some divine force calls upon teenagers to dress in ridiculous plastic costumes and defend one city that happens to be plagued by monsters dressed in even more plastic costumes. Our heroes give us lessons in teamwork and what it means to use martial arts to defeat numerous enemies. Together they use vehicles that attach  to each other and form one hell of a piece of crap. This was used to defeat over-sized enemies at the end of each episode. Instead of using the piece of weaponry that ultimately killed it at the beginning, They waited until they took a real beating at the last second to use it. But alas, evil was punished until next week when the same costume appeared only with spikes! I remember most of these shows quite vividly. I'm sure you do too.
I went through a lot of research to find these cartoons again. Check out www.retrojunk.com to find what I did. It will jog your memory and make you wish you were in 1st grade again.
If I missed any, leave a comment and some of your own memories and views as I did. If not just leave a comment. I like hearing from you. I hope you enjoyed this. :)

The J.W Chronicles of Life

It's been a while since I've posted a life update blog. I usually try to post one at least once every month with the delusion that at least one of my subscribers and passerby readers care. ha ha. But I like to give the ol' update. Kind of helps me recap things.
It's been a busy couple of months for me. School hasn't been easy. Not hard because the work is bullshit. But getting up and staying motivated to actually do easy and demeaning work that dulls my motivation and steals my soul is the tricky part. It makes me worry about my own sense of motivation and where I want to go in life. If I have the right motivation to carry me through to my goals. It worries me. I feel like I'm not at college half the time. It doesn't even feel like college. Salt Lake Community College is like an extension of high school only you're old and should know better. It's not a bad school. It's done a lot of great things for me. But it's definitely time to move on after this semester to a bigger school. Will it solve my problems with motivation? Of course not. But I'll get to feel like I took a bigger step in the right direction. That doesn't make it necessarily right either. But it helps.
Aside from that, my job situation is looking up. So I will address a rumor right now. I'M NOT A WORKAHOLIC! I work 10 hours a week. Soon to be a whole 17 hours after I'm finished training at my new job. Currently I still work at radiology for the major IHC hospitals only Fridays and Saturdays. I recently got a new job doing EKG at the U of U Hospital. I'll be training for it the next couple of weeks but after that, I'll only work Sundays when needed. Which seems like it will be every sunday now since I learned they are shortstaffed. Fine by me really. Its a pretty hands on patient care job throughout the whole hospital. I see a lot of cool stuff and do a lot of cool stuff. Some of you knew that I was pushing for a wound care job at LDS Hospital. I was offered the job this morning and turned it down. Just as well too. They wanted me to work 8-4pm monday through friday every week. I can't do that while going to school. It's too much and not worth it. Though the patient care experience would be rewarding, it would be pointless since it wouldn't allow me to go to school often. Right now, I have my ambitions set on getting a job at either LDS Hospital ER or U of U Hospital ER as an EMT. I'm really pushing for the U since it has more stuff to do than LDS Hospital. But I'm aiming more to work on call or per diem there. That way I could work 3 jobs with low hours and days and have the hours all add up only to a part time job. That wouldn't be too bad at all since I know the circumstances with all those jobs. That way I could still go to school, gain valuable experience, move out soon, and pay for other crap. Best part is I could pick up more hours if I wanted during school breaks and what not.
I still want to be a doctor. But I fear my motivation isn't as strong as my spirit and good intentions. I really want to do it, and yet the road to get there seems so out of reach for me. I think that's what kills me. Is that the road seems like its too far out for me. But I guess I'll see if I can find the motivation to do this.
That's pretty much it. Aside from those things I just chill with my amigos, my girlfriend and write when I can. Nothing too exciting. Anyway thanks for reading and thank you to my subscribers for reading too. It means a lot that you subscribe. :)

The Poison That Drives

It's the ink that darkens the water. The acid in the rain. The fire that burns off misery. The force that blinds. The coldness that guides.
I'm talking about hate. I'm talking about bitterness. I'm talking about never letting go of grudges. I'm talking about never letting go of fears and paranoias. I'm talking about consuming insecurities. I'm talking about self-pity.
These are all the poisons that drive someone to take a life and maybe even take their own. These poisons destroy judgement and have the potential to destroy the lives of others. These poisons are enough to drive a person to live a life of cold words and even colder actions.
The misery of others compensates for their own misery. Their bitterness rationalizes unreasonable actions. Holding their grudges keeps them longing for closure. Fears and paranoias in large doses promotes as much arrogance as it does ignorance. Consuming insecurities pushes away even the closest of their friends. Self-pity fails to justify their isolation.
Their hate can lead to broken dreams and shattered lives. Becoming an entirely different person in such a short time. Turning to alcohol and drugs. Promoting violence as long as its justified to their own cause. Leading others to their same route to avoid feeling guilty. Creating friction where none was needed. Taking where there was nothing to be given. Looking for answers without asking questions. Stepping over lines and crossing boundaries. Testing the patience of others and running from themselves.
They can't let go. They can't forgive. They can't forget. Consuming themselves in a cycle that only they can end. Putting themselves in the spotlight of the chaos they created while tying the weights to their ankles. They'll sink until they can sink no further. Too prideful to ask for help and yet too consumed to help themselves.
Lies and deceit. Exaggerations and high emotions. Justifying their dying ideals. Smothering themselves with their unrealistic scenarios. Begging for attention only to push it away when recieved. Convincing others of their masks to be their real selves. Drink away the pain for it to be gone just for one day more. It's only casual. Not an addiction right?
We all have a little poison in our souls. It drive us to be better people. It sets our goals and standards. We must take these poisons ourselves for no one on earth is perfect. The right small amount gives us the drive and hope. 

For everyone else, it doesn't matter who or what they hate so passionately. Most of the time, they don't hate anything else more in the entire universe than themselves.

Sell Your soul and Get 50% Off Your Dignity!

As I was driving downtown today, I could see things I had not seen before. Like how many unecessary crosswalks there was that promoted heavy traffic rather than pedestrian safety. Or how the name of a large store like Dick's Sporting Goods almost raises an eyebrow if your mind is frequently in the gutter. Some thing's are obvious. Aside from the growing hobo population (most noticable outside of the downtown state liquor store) there is much more to comment on. For instance, our basketball center which hosts the Utah Jazz has underwent a new change. It changed from the Delta Center to the Energy Solutions Arena. How lame is that?! Before they changed the name, I never once associated that place with the airline company Delta or even had an urge to get on a Delta plane. But now that the Energy Solutions Arena is up, I've never had so many urges to get naked and make love to a tree. Suddenly I want to stop showering and drive a vehicle that doesn't choke mother nature. Occassionally I may want to stop by the arena to check out a basketball game or some large event that usually requires me to pay out the ass. With a name like Energy Solutions Arena, that makes our already unintimidating basketball team seem like a bunch of hippies. We are selling out our arena's and major sports centers. It's only a matter of time until countries, hospitals and schools feel the burn of selling out. I long for the day our country becames almost bankrupt and sells the rights to rename Iraq so they can make back the money spent on the war. I predict in 10 years, Iraq will be renamed "Verizon Wireless Field: In association with Direct TV." The sick thing is, this plan would probably be more than enough to put our country back on top economically. The might of the Euro currency will fall to devious politicians and the tourist industry will go through the roof! European countries will be flooded with Americans that only speak English because of the cheap online travel deals due to the dollars regained power.
In fact now that I think about it, our schools are already getting a head start on selling out. Albertsons Grocery Store actually has a very prestigious law school. It was formerly named after some rich dead guy. But Albertsons thought it would be a good time to get in on that law school craze and name a college after their company. "Albertsons Law School." Albertsons will eventually change their name to Supervalue Grocery Store. So will that change the name of the College too? Can you imagine explaining to your friends that you graduated from Supervalue Law School? Better yet, can you even explain that to an employer when they ask about your credentials? That will be fun. Medical schools are next. They will probably be named after companies that will produce irony. "Ronald McDonald's School of Medicine" Their mascot can be the Hamburglar dressed as a doctor with his labcoat pockets stuffed with hamburgers.
Selling out will one day be so mainstream it will become an accepted norm. With a trend like this taking place, frat boy owned businesses will be on the rise. For just $5.99 some jackass in a polo shirt will take a picture of you taking a crap. He will take a picture that will show the anguish you went through to push your bowels to it's extreme limits. Then with some basic photoshopping, sophisticated phrasing, and scotch tape you can hang the picture above the toilet of your choice with the semi-clever caption: "Never Forget What's Been Done Here." Marketing companies and entrepenuers will think this is "cool" and "hip" among the mainstream and buy the idea and make it into a conglomerate. The common moron will make obscene amounts of money from gullible marketers in search of a promotion. It will get so bad the living will envy the dead and the dead will hope for complete annihilation of Earthly existance.
It's times like these I wish I was a business major with talent of epic proportions in the field. I'd have my sticky little fingers in politics too. That way I could make myself above and beyond the law. Unless I did something publicly illegal. Luckily for me, selling people things they don't need isn't against the law yet. I would rake in money by lulling gullible celebrities into thinking I'm trustworthy by convincing them they NEED my product. That's just how I will get my start. Then I will work my way down the chain of people who don't deserve to be rich and profit off their stupidity. I would get so big that I would sell out to the government for the price of one Hawaiin island, 2 New Guinea tribes, the president's finest bottle of champagne, a cottage built out of bundles of cash, and a sum of cash with the largest number I could possibly concoct. I'll live like a king! Periodically I'll come out to criticize the government with an arrogant smirk on my face then go back into hiding for another decade or so.....Just to be an asshole. Ah, sigh, if only.......if only....
Anyway, Now that I've effectively wasted a few minutes of your life, I'm sure you're thinking "I want those minutes back!" Well too bad. But to help ease the sting, I offer you a mental imagery story that will postively depict what I have done with your life. Picture yourself holding an hour glass full of sand that represents your life. Now picture me wrestling that from you while cursing like an arabian sailor. Now picture me unscrewing the lid of your hourglass and grabbing a good sized handful of sand and putting it into my pocket while laughing like a villian from a movie from the 1950's. Now picture me walking away with a big smile on my face while you sit on the ground cuddling your hour glass. Did that help? If you haven't noticed by now there is no point to this blog other than my entertainment. Hope you enjoyed.

My Last Day at the Lab

This blog is brought to you by Kristen H. originally I wrote this to her for a mailbox. She requested a "witticism" so she could read something when she was able to check her myspace again. When I finished it, I realized the length and structure of what I had written was blog material. So I have copied and pasted it to this blog so everyone can attempt to enjoy. Hopefully this writing lives up to her expectations. :)
Yesterday was my last day in the lab. It wasn't until later that day that they had changed it to my last one there. I was ecstatic. To celebrate, I rumaged through the labcoats in search of a new one that would make me appear as though I were going out in style.
Success was achieved! Perfection in an odd sense. I found a chef's coat that read "Heritage Gardens Catering." I had worn this coat before but it was taken from me by authority figures. It had to have been fate that brought me back to this wonderful piece of cloth that was carelessly mixed up in our company laundry service. I put it on and it fit perfectly. I could go as far as to say that it was made for me!
It was a rather slow day and I decided that it was time for me to strut around one last time as if I owned the place. I got myself a nice cup of hot chocolate and decided to drink it in the lab itself. That is a violation on so many levels. And yet the only thing that could be achieved for such a violation would be to fire me. The odds were stacked in my favor. Fate smiled upon me.
As I sat back in my chef's coat, smuggly sipping my hot chocolate, reminiscing about my past experiences there, I realized that day was truly made for me. But then the ogres of management decided to walk in and check on my progress. My happiness was in severe jeopardy. But alas it was much too late for me to do anything. They demanded I take off the chef's coat. Corporate jargon slandered my good name. (unprofressional, inappropriate, not suitable, and yes even incompetent) The coat was taken from me and I was helpless. I wondered if I had maybe had the chef's  hat maybe things would have been different. Maybe they would have thought it funny and let me go on the count of it being my last day. No such luck on my part. They may have stole a piece of my dignity but they didn't steal my spirit. I managed to hide the hot chocolate behind a computer. After the ogres were out of sight, I enjoyed my hot chocolate thoroughly. It seemed to taste sweeter knowing that I had gotten away with it.
The day came to an uneventful end and I believe a smile crept across my face as I left a note on the whiteboard that said "Johnny was here, Johnny was there, Johnny was everywhere. I'm watching you!"
Alta View Hospital will never be the same again.

Mistakes Aren't the Same as Weaknesses

It's interesting how I have felt this week. It's the beginning of a new semester and I've never felt so charged to just get it over with. I think a sense of responsibility is overcoming me that I have only rarely felt. Not that I'm irresponsible, but I suppose it's in a different sense that I feel like I'm taking control of an aspect of my life. My future.
My classes are simple this semester. They are just ridiculously pointless and full of busy work. It doesn't worry me so much. I know I can do it. I just want to get it over with so I can go to the U and start working on something I actually want to do. More than ever do I realize what that is.
My sister had taken 2 trips in a row to the emergency room this week. Just out of no where she had trouble breathing. Her skin got puffy and she had severe abdominal pain. Her mental status changed. I was the first one to notice when I walked into her room when I heard her breathing heavily. She was panicked and scared. I sat her up and so she could breathe better and got my dad. We both didn't know what was wrong. The only thing we could think of was an allergic reaction to the muscle relaxer she took after she injured her leg swimming on her high school swim team. There wasn't much I could do. I used all the skills I had as an EMT I could remember. When it comes down to it, the skills you learn aren't a lot if you're just basic trained. My dad thought it was nothing and that we could take care of it, but I insisted on the going to the ER. I convinced him and we left to Alta View Hospital. The doctor didn't know what was wrong because the allergic reaction seemed unlikely by that point. We thought it was something viral. My sister was tough. She stayed in the hospital for 9 hours. The doctors had no idea what was wrong, but they knew enough to get her stable and she was fine. The next day, she had a reaction again without the use of medicine. We went to the ER again and they still had no idea. At first they thought meningitis but that was ruled out. They just gave her some drugs and she recovered quickly. She's fine now. But I remember how scared I was watching my sister on a hospital bed shake and jolt involuntarily while struggling to breathe. I was so scared. I was scared because there was nothing I could do. I felt so helpless in my abilities to help. It was much like the time I volunteered at Pioneer Valley Hospital as an EMT. I felt so limited in my abilities to help. It's worse feeling helpless when it's your own family. There was nothing I could do, and incidentally there was no diagnosis for what had happened. Even though the treatments worked, the worst-case scenarios ran through my head. I wanted to do everything I could to help. But there wasn't a damn thing I could have done with what I knew. It was nice to know that I knew most of the staff at the hospital so they tried extra hard knowing it was my sister. But there was a few things that weren't done both visits. It's even harder to see people treat someone when you have an idea on how things are supposed to go. I had never been so inspired in my life to be a doctor. I wanted to know what was happening. An idea. Anything. Most of all, I just wanted to help.
It's my personal resolve to become a doctor. I don't care if to some people that seems unrealistic for me or not. Whatever I become, I want to become someone that's capable of helping others. I want to be the best. I want sincerely want to do this because I care. I may not have all the answers, but I feel like I can at least live knowing that I did everything I could the best I knew how.
And that is the life update from me.
The first blog of 2007 from me.
And my 50th blog entry. Crazy ay?