Summarizing: Part III

More of the same cynical Disney movie shit. Enjoy.


Pinocchio
In this paranormal odyssey, a lonely elderly man crafts a boy made of wood which is magically brought to life by his desperate request by an unknown entity. Once alive, the timber creature is forced to wrestle with the ambiguities of human morality in order to earn the right to live as humans do.


The Incredibles
A seemingly normal nuclear family unit tries to hide their unnatural super abilities while leading a normal life. But when their washed up father wants another taste of sweet glory, the rest of the family (children included) accidentally gets involved. With little care for one another's well being or mental health, the family battles a villain whose ultimate goal is to murder them with a variety of horrifically violent techniques.


Tarzan
This concept doesn't need me to make fun of it. I'll just give the most basic premise: An abandoned baby in the jungle learns to adapt to it's new life as part of an ape family unit.

The Near Death of an I-Pod

My I-Pod scared the crap out of me yesterday. I went to plug it into the I-Pod jack on my car stereo. Then came the worst words I could read.

"No music files found."

What?! How? Why? 

Why???!!!!!!!!!

I unplugged my traitorous music player and tried to access it. Sure enough, nothing was there. Then it just died. No warning. No goodbyes. Just a sudden blank screen of death. I clenched my I-Pod in my fist. 

"NO!!!!!! Fucked by Steve Jobs again!" I yelled at the ceiling of my car. 

Ok, maybe I wasn't that dramatic. But suffice to say, I was pretty unhappy. That I-Pod has seen nearly 6 years of action and had yet to show any sign of wear and tear. 50 gigabytes of music went down with that music player. 50 gigabytes that I didn't have backed up on my computer. I was now a music hobo. I had nothing to my name. All my music was there and then gone in an instant. Ironically, I had made myself a promise to back up my music this weekend just in case such a catastrophic event happened. 

If there is one thing I have learned this last month or so, when it rains, it pours. In fact, it dumps. Losing my music was like the icing on the cake. But how could this happen? What did I do to make my I-Pod do this to me? There must be a way......

I charged my I-Pod, somehow thinking that power would bring back my cowardly music files. And what do you know, it worked! How? I don't know. I barely know how to operate a microwave without supervision, little alone an I-Pod so simple in design that they hand them out to kids as gifts. The point is, all my music was back. My world went from a dark stormy night to just a cloudy day. 

Phew, that was close. I was close to soliciting for charitable music donations. I need music for my sanity. Without it, I don't know what I would do. I was also not wild about facing the prospect of paying money for a new I-Pod, which just upsets me based on principle alone. I'm not a huge Apple fan. But their products are both useful and basic, the way I like most of my crap. I'm a slave to their genius product engineering. I would need a new I-Pod to live. 

Now I'm sure you're stuck wondering, "have you backed up your music yet?"

No. No I have not. 

But I will soon. 

Camouflage For Every Day Dress

Army camouflage is a neat thing. It keeps you from being noticed by enemies easily. This is especially handy if you are actively combating terrorists in jungles, forests, snow, or the desert. It's applications are mainly for the military, but has other useful applications in outdoor paintball and hunting. Other than that, there is no place for camo in your every day life. 

I find it both laughable and alarming to see people walking around in camouflage apparel for no real reason. Some of these camo wearing people are nothing more than harmless hipsters making an ironic fashion statement. Others, I'm not so sure. While I was walking through school the other day, some guy was walking around in a camo jacket with plain army green pants, a camo lunch box and a camo backpack. Seriously? You're at school, not the jungles of Vietnam. What practical purpose, if any can you possibly have for wearing that. He clearly wasn't military. Probably a hunter. But still. It's a little unsettling. For all I know, this guy hangs out in the bushes stalking people, waiting to rape or mug an unsuspecting passerby. Ok, he was probably not a rapist or a criminal. Perhaps he was just passionate about camo apparel which reflects his love for the hunting season, which is now over. The camo lunch box and camo backpack was kind of funny. That's like accessorizing with your dress like a woman. 

More and more, I've been noticing people sporting camouflage like it's no big deal. I guess it isn't. But you have to wonder what they are thinking. Do they have a secret compound somewhere? Is it just comfortable? Are they old veterans who just can't let go? Are they wannabe army personnel? When I go camping, it's easier for me to wear camo. It's comfortable, tough, water resistant and there is no one around to wonder if I'm some sort of nut-job. 

I suppose it's not that big of a deal. But it was an observation worth making. 

Summarizing: Part II

I've decided to summarize more of your favorite films. Disney movies in particular. It's just too easy.


Aladdin:
In this delightful family rom-com, a young Arabic hobo enslaves the powers of a genie in order to manipulatively pursue a princess.


The Aristocats:
A family of wealthy cats are forced to seek the help of jazzy commoners in this early 20th century tale of socioeconomic tolerance.


The Little Mermaid:
A royal teenage mermaid rebels from the strict rules of her king father by sacrificing her natural abilities to talk and swim in order to experience life, love and disability.


Snow White and the 7 Dwarves:
A pasty, naive woman escapes a brutal assassination by taking residence in a remote forest with 7 adult male dwarves with various untreated psychiatric conditions.


More to come when I'm feeling bored again.

Summarizing

"A British boy successfully co-exists with anthropomorphic insects inside of an absurdly large peach during an implausible adventure."

That's how I managed to summarize "James and the Giant Peach" today. My teacher raised her eyebrows and basically commented that I live in a magic-less world. In a way, I was somewhat proud of that. I feel like I have no illusions otherwise. Besides, I thought I was being clever in a cynical way. Apparently, she didn't appreciate it........Nor did anyone else in the class. I don't think they took time to consider that black, white and even shades of gray are colors too.


"In this skewed view of history, a Native American teenager in the 1600's somehow avoids disease and the horrific destruction of her people when she participates in a questionable relationship with an older male stranger from another land."

My teacher shook her ahead after she read my synopsis of the Disney movie "Pocahontas." She made it a point to remark that it wasn't funny.

"This compelling look into the lion psyche details the psychological torment experienced by a young cub whose father's murder propels him to self-exile and his eventual glorious return to monarchical rule."

My instructor closed her eyes and rubbed them for a second. "Why?" she asked. "Why not? I'm not necessarily wrong. It's my interpretation of the movie."


I enjoyed this so much, I think I'm going to make this a regular part of my blog.

Time to Kill

How does one actually kill time? Sure, I can waste time but to be able to put time to an end, murder if you will, appears to be a completely different concept altogether.

It's such a common expression. But I doubt anyone has really thought of what it is to kill time. Is it even possible? Time is well......Timeless. Can you really kill it? It has to exist even after the universe is gone right? Or is there a proverbial kryptonite to time? Like some sort of time-killing bullets I can load into a gun and just go nuts.

Ok, this is stupid. I am just wasting time. I don't want to go back to doing homework again.

But I feel better knowing that I wasted my time as well as yours.

Double whammy!

Black and White Movies Sadden Me

It sounds kind of crazy, but black and white movies make me sad. Not because the content of the movies are sad or the acting and story lines often laughably sad; but because the actors in the movies remind me of aging.

I'm not particularly afraid of death, but I am deathly afraid of becoming old. When I see the actors on the screen, I am seeing those actors as they were in the prime of their life and youth. On screen, their youth is timeless. You see their characters as they exist in their universe. You don't imagine those characters becoming old and feeble. You experience them in the moment of their existence in the story being told. When the story ends, it ends. There is no continuity. The movie is over and the characters timelessly exist in their realm until you watch the movie again. The characters live on forever, but the actors do not. Their lives move on, they age as we do and then die.

When watching old movies, I look at their beauty. They have almost a luminous quality to them. Just young actors living in a time that we don't understand anymore. I often find myself wondering what they looked like when they aged and probably passed on. What were they like when they were old? What happened to them when their youth passed them by? Did they find themselves looking back at that time in their life in fondness wishing they could have it all back? Their looks? Their age? Their energy? Or did they eventually accept that time holds us all accountable for our biological lifespan?

It sounds awfully morbid, but any old movie reminds me of aging. It reminds me that although Hollywood glorifies beauty and youth, we are all eventual victims of time and age. We all want to stay young. We all want to have the same energy and strength in our 20's as we do in our 80's. We don't want to have to compromise our looks and physical independence to time and disease. Everywhere we look, we emphasize looking young by eating this, exercising that, putting this mixture on our faces, having a surgeon adjust that. Despite all the advances in science, quack and real medicine alike, time catches up.

I don't know why this subject makes me so morose. I guess the best fix is to not watch old movies. Out of sight, out of mind. I plan to be in my 20's forever.

That sounds reasonable, right?

Happy Corporation Day

I know that this "holiday" has been around for hundreds of years before it was commercialized. But I'm still going to bitch about it anyway.

Before becoming familiar with today's history, I was under the impression that Saint Valentine was the patron saint of "business enterprise." Long story short, I was wrong. Anyway, I wanted to have a good idea of when we commercialized the shit out of this. It appeared to really take off sometime in the 1800's. Some brilliant guy had the idea of suckering people to pay money for Valentine cards. Genius. From there, it just went out of control. Chocolates. Gifts. Dinner. Cards. Obligatory sex. Who would have thought someone could commercialize the abstract concept of love and turn it into a grand money making scheme? Doesn't it seem slightly evil to imply that the complex emotion of love is equivalent to material goods or in some way enhances it? When people think of Valentine's Day, everyone seems to think of dinner, flowers, movie, chocolates and love. Seems kind of wrong to lump all those things together with such a large concept. 

Anywho, I never got the appeal of Valentine's day. Some people really enjoy it. Some people enjoy just the candy, which I argue is gross. Those chalky hearts are disgusting. Everything else is the exact same crap they sell at Easter in just a different shell. I guess for some people, it might be the one day of the year they feel appreciated, even if it is practically obligatory. For others with co-dependent personalities, I'm guessing it does make them legitimately feel loved. 

I don't have anything particularly funny or insightful to say today. But I hope you're having a wonderful Valentine's Day. If you're a nonbeliever in the holiday such as myself, I hope you are having a Merry Corporation Day. 

Making a Man

What makes a man?

Is it being prepared to do the right thing, even if it hurts in the end?
Is it offering a helping hand knowing that you could be just taken advantage of?
Is it hard work and the will to persevere?
Is it as simple as manners and a decent attitude?
Is it being able to admit when you're wrong?

I guess these don't make a man necessarily, but apply to making a good person in general. I often wonder if I am looked upon as a good man or if I'm just merely a shell of a man with no sustenance. It seems silly to think about, but these are the type of questions that plague my mind for hours and days at a time. I want to be a good man. I want to do the right things. I want to be helpful. I want to be knowledgeable.I want to be useful.

I try. So help me, I try.

But am I trying hard enough?

Future Car Predictions

As I was driving in my rental car, I spent a good portion of my time messing with the on-board computer rather than paying attention to the road. It's a wonderful thing to have. It feels so futuristic. And don't get me started on the seat warmers. For years I regarded seat warmers as an unnecessary thing for pretty much any chair to have, unless it's for treatment of hypothermia of the ass (Which I don't think is a real medical affliction). However, after having sat in them I'm now a believer. Never before have I been so warm and eager to sit in a seat. I could see myself purchasing a car just for such a luxury.

But I got to thinking about this. In another 10 to maybe 15 years maximum, all of this kind of crap will probably just be standard on even the most basic model of cars. It wasn't long ago that only luxury cars had power locks, power windows, cruise control, and a clicker to lock/unlock your car remotely. Now that's pretty much the standard with only a few exceptions. Logically, it won't be long until we are all enjoying on-board computers with navigation, direct mp3 player compatible, satellite radio, seat warmers, blue tooth for smart phones, etc. Eventually there will be new highly innovative luxury technologies to replace those.

I'm thinking in about 20 years cars will drive themselves in luxury editions. Almost no driver thought will be required to operate the vehicle. It will only be a matter of time before luxury cars feature coffee makers, food dispensers of some kind or perhaps a fridge. They will most certainly have complete internet wi-fi. I also envision the future of cars catering to the male audience. I'm figuring cars will be able to pleasure men sexually in never before thought of creepy ways. I'm sure they'll call it "The Male Sports Package Edition" (with pun actually intended). Ideally, future luxury cars will have the ability to disable the cars of lesser drivers and perhaps even have the ability to communicate with other cars with similar abilities. I'm not talking about cell phones. I'm talking the ability to hail any car you want with the capability to receive the messages. This will allow for the ultimate shit-talking experience. At last we will be able to vent our road rage from the comfort of our cars without having to roll down the window or get out of the car to let other people know how bad they suck at driving. 

You might laugh now. But won't you feel silly when I'm right about a couple of these things in a couple of decades?

Clogging Up the Internet

Writing 410 posts over the last 8 years is kind of stunning. If you count the additional 39 that are on my Mustache Blog, I have nearly 450 posts of sheer crap. My postings detract from reputable authors who probably have insightful things to say. My blog talks about personal adventures, odd observations, and a general dislike for humanity. My blog is like a book that no one reads. If it were in a library, it would sit there until it was donated to a shittier library where it will sit there until it is burned for heat.

Frankly, I'm proud of it. In a hipster way, it's nice to be obscure. In a selfish way, I sometimes wish more people read it. In another sense, I'm just happy to be cluttering the internet with my useless shit. Somewhere out there, my content is floating around disrupting the flow of good content. Every time I post, a good author dies or possibly gets severely injured. It's like the butterfly effect of writing.


Perhaps this is all a slight exaggeration. I guess all I really wanted to write about was how much I've actually published. Most of it useless. Some of it decent. Some of it really bad due to half-assed editing on my part. I certainly would have never thought I would post this much.

I wonder if I'll ever reach 1000........

Uber Creeper

I'm in the school library anywhere from 2-6 days a week, depending on my schedule. After being here so often I have begun to recognize familiar faces of other people who are equally lifeless. Most of the people look like your average student just trying to scrape by academically. However, I've noticed a couple of oddballs who fall into the category of "creep" or "mildly disturbing sociopath."

There is one person in particular whom I've come to recognize. He is a much older gentleman. Easily in his late 40's or early 50's. Perhaps late 30's if he's lived hard, but I doubt that. Anyway, his age isn't really the issue as much. I find it refreshing and admirable to see people of older age going back to school. But this guy is just weird. I generally sit at the same row of study desks every time I'm here. Most of the time, this guy happens to also be lurking about other various areas of the library. I have noticed over the past couple of semesters that average to very hot women are susceptible to this guy sitting next them at study desks. This normally wouldn't be alarming if there wasn't 9 other desks in a nearly empty row he could also sit. I have witnessed it many times. A cute young woman will be sitting at a desk studying, minding her own business. Then the lurking predator sweeps by. Every time, he makes one walk past as if he is inspecting which woman to sit by. A couple of minutes later he makes another pass and sits next to a woman of his choosing. He does this in blatant disregard to social norms and how creepy he will most likely look. Before I wrote this, he sat next to this poor beautiful blond woman. She was the only person sitting on her row of individual study desks. What does this guy do? He sits directly next to her. Not a couple of desks away. No, directly next to her as if he had no where else to sit. Interestingly enough, when she left, he left a few minutes after.

I've been trying to get an idea of who this guy is. My first guess is that he is super lonely and sitting down next to an attractive woman might make his day a little brighter. This all sounds vaguely sweet, but then I remembered this is how lonely rapists start. My next guess is that he might just be socially awkward enough to not care or realize what he is doing can easily be misinterpreted, but I doubt it. These seem like calculated moves. My third guess pins him as a diabolical sociologist/social scientist. I keep thinking that he is writing in his experiment journal as he sits next to these poor girls. They almost always look uncomfortable but try to play it off otherwise. I can imagine him writing in his journal:

Entry #42 4:00 PM
Blond subject looks at me with objective disgust and shifts uncomfortably in her chair. I proceeded to move my chair closer and to clear my throat as loudly as possible.

Entry #43 4:01 PM
Blond subject is now visibly uncomfortable by my presence. She appears to be unable to concentrate on her studies as I periodically look over at her with a shockingly neutral expression on my face.


My final guess is that he may not even be a student here at all. He may be just some creepy guy who enjoys looking at hot chicks in his free time in between collecting his disability checks.


I hope he doesn't like reading random shitty blogs that are not obtainable in any search engine. I may wind up in pieces in a fridge somewhere, or perhaps at the bottom of a popular recreational lake.

Your Problem

I hate when people say "If you don't like me, then that's your problem." That seems like backwards thinking to me. If somebody doesn't like you, it sounds like it very much is YOUR OWN problem. While it is true there is always going to be somebody who doesn't like you for no good reason and that you can't please everybody, that tends to be the exception and not the rule. Chances are, if someone doesn't like you, you have most likely done something or are actively doing something to disenchant them so.

I think it's rather arrogant and narcissistic to pin the problem on the other person for not liking you. It implies everyone should like you unconditionally and any opinion otherwise indicates a huge problem on their end as it is impossible for the problem to be on your end. I get the mindset behind the statement. I'm sure that type of thinking was created to help oversensitive people get over their affliction of not being able to please everyone. I can see the benefit there. However, this toxic mindset has blanketed over the general public. Living in this mindset that we are entitled to be liked unconditionally by everyone is, for lack of a better description, fucking stupid.

If we just be honest with ourselves for a minute, there is a lot of reasons for people not to like us. But there are just as many reasons for people to like us. The things that are most likable might be the most hated by someone else. And the worst things about us are sometimes liked, though not often. In the grand scheme of things, we often inadvertently piss people off with our deep-rooted mannerisms, behaviors, and speech. It really is silly to pin the problem on someone else. Chances are if someone doesn't like something about you, others probably don't appreciate it either. As I said before, there will be people who won't like you for no good reason. That's life. But more often than not, the problem is on our end, not theirs. For most people, we want to change that behavior and become more likable or to prevent conflict. Often we don't mean to offend.

Still, I just can't get over that rotten-ass mindset of blaming someone else for your own defect.

Stupid. Fucking stupid.

Blank

I legitimately have nothing to say today. Maybe I shouldn't write at all. But for some reason, I would feel mildly cheated for having not done so. There is something addictive about writing here frequently, even I have nothing to say. I suppose it helps just to let my mind flow freely at least once a day. No distractions from the real world. Just writing the first thing that comes to my head with a grotesque lack of relevance in content to me or the reader. 

Liberating. 

Why? 

I don't know. I'm not particularly stressed. I'm not really relaxed either. I suppose it all just comes down to venting. Having somewhere to put my thoughts with no meaning. Maybe they'll seem meaningful later on down the road when I come back to read this. 

Or maybe this post will be just as pointless and empty in the future as I intended it to be. 

Sub-Tropical Weather

It's currently 42 degrees Fahrenheit, with the sun shining gloriously bright in a crystal clear blue sky. Not a cloud to be seen. No sign of smog. A light wind blows in the north. It's a beautiful day to be out and about if you have the chance.

The funny thing about this weather is that everyone who is out and about, is treating this like it's summer weather. Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly enjoying the slightly warmer weather. It's truly a testament to how cold it has been this year. It's been so cold that 42 degrees feels like summer. Already, people are driving with both windows rolled down. People are walking around in just t-shirts. I even saw a few people in shorts.

Let's slow down here. Let us all remember that we are just a mere 10 degrees above freezing temperatures. That can change at any moment because it's still just the beginning of February. I'm not tempted to break out the SPF 100, crank the A/C, and wear scandalously revealing clothing in public just yet. It's just not the right time. Comparatively, this does feel like tropical weather as opposed to the 8-15 degree days we've been having lately. I too, was intoxicated by this "warm" weather. I rolled down the windows in my car while driving to my destination. That was a short-lived venture. After driving 30 feet, the wind chill froze my eyeballs to the backs of my eyelids. True story [maybe].

In any case, let us all remember that it is only February 1st. Let us not be easily seduced by this temporary warm weather, as it will leaveth as soon as it cometh. Warm weather is nothing but a fickle prostitute in the realm of winter. Let us all be patient for the real warm weather to come in the next month or two. Believe me, I'm just as excited and impatient for warm weather as you might be.

But I'm just not ready to start wearing shorts and t-shirts in 42 degree weather.

Snow Plow

I live in a state that takes great pride in its snow. Ironically, this same state does nothing to clear it up when it dumps several inches on the roads. It's not as if the local weather guys missed this giant storm and the snow took us by surprise. No, we often have days of advanced notice that we are about to get dumped on. Yet for some reason, a snow plow is not to be seen until around 10 A.M. Of course, this is after several people are late for work, school, and several others injured from losing control of their vehicles.

When you think about it, it's really a bunch of bullshit that the roads aren't plowed for public safety much earlier than they are. It's ridiculous that despite advanced notice, plows are not visible until much later in the day. I'm not complaining about this on an inconvenienced level. I'm complaining about this on a safety level. Hundreds get in accidents as a result of these unplowed roads. Sure, bad driving is certainly incorporated, but I think it's more likely that the snow was a larger factor.

I can actually envision a meeting involving local leaders discussing the plow issue. They debate on whether or not using public money to fund more snow plows for the safety of it's citizens is necessary. Some feel government involvement is not their business. Others argue it will save them more money later on if they just paid for the plows. Then suddenly, an odd looking gentleman speaks up. His black suit is finely and meticulously pressed. His thin mustache and goatee are perfectly straight. He smiles a bright and toothy grin.

He calmly states, "Gentleman, you already have an efficient and cost-effective snow plow."

Everyone goes silent and turns their attention towards him.

"Why pay hundreds of men to drive gas-guzzling snow plows when you have the sun to do all the dirty work for free? The sun will eventually melt it all away."

Everyone in the room stands up and applauds the man. The man stands up and politely takes a bow. His pointy red tail visibly wiggles back and forth in happiness.

"Now that I've solved that problem, I have other nefarious solutions for other meetings I must attend," says the man as he puts on a matching wide-brimmed hat over his protruding horns.

The crowd of leaders continue to follow the man with applause as he confidently strides to his stretched limousine.

"Where to now?" asks the driver holding the door open to the back seat.

"To Wal-Mart headquarters. I've got a new idea for employee exploitation that will change the way we abuse minimum wage workers and sell unnecessary consumer goods at every day low prices."

Locked Down

If you have tried reading my blog only to find it locked, I apologize. I found that some random Russian websites were replicating my content and posting it as their own. I decided to put my blog on lock-down to see if that alleviated the problem, which it did.

I don't know who would want to reproduce this shit and make it available in other countries. That person must lead a very sad and horrific life. There is no content here that is worth reproducing and then distributing to other countries. If it was some sort of financial scheme, I'm sorry but my content is worth the equivalent of 1 peso. That's just because Google eats the cost of posting my bullshit with bandwidth and server costs and what not. Otherwise, no one has wanted to buy or steal my content because of it's alleged value.

However, if it happens again I will be tempted to lock down my blog for good and only allow a select handful to read it. If it continues to happen, I would be tempted to take legal action. That's right, legal action. I'll go to such lengths to protect my worthless content so fuck you.

Anywho, if you missed my blog, I'm equally sorry that you have actually missed it. There is nothing here worth missing either. In any case, I'll be resuming writing here, business as usual.

Coughing On My Attention Span

Stupid flu season. Stupid inversion. Stupid people who can't take cough medicine.

In most of my classes, I've been allowed to record class lectures on my I-Pad. But the problem is everyone is sick. Every few seconds there is a nasty hacking, wheezing cough coming from someone. I am not kidding. Every few seconds. Everyone is sick. Yet no one has the decency to take even the most basic of cough medicine to keep from coughing on everything and being a loud distraction. When I went back to listen to my lecture, I found that a lot of it was obscured by coughing from everyone in the class. Even while I was in the class I was annoyed that everyone was coughing. It's distracting. It's hard to listen to the teacher when you hear "cough cough cough. mmmmmmm". What's up with that? Why does almost everyone end their coughing spell with "mmm"? Presumably to test if there is phlegm in their throat. But still. Every few seconds of that is obnoxious. Take some Dayquil, or a cough drop. Something. Anything. Don't be an inconsiderate prick by coughing your germs everywhere. Don't be an inconsiderate prick by being louder than the instructor, even if it is unintentional.


Ending rant.........now.

Freezing Rain

Today, the weather was a bit different than it normally is during this time of year. The state experienced freezing rain, which is apparently an uncommon event in this state. Freezing rain has been identified as more of a Seattle, Washington kind of thing. This state is all about snow. You know, rain that freezes ahead of time, then lands on the ground as a powdery white substance that fosters pretentious personalities that like to ski and snowboard at expensive resorts. While this state is no stranger to icey conditions, it's inhabitants are generally incapable of safely navigating the roads in it's presence. Today was no exception.

The rain came down and then froze on the roads. This resulted in a record number of accidents on the freeways and roads. To top it off, nobody got anywhere in a timely fashion. There were delays up to 2 hours long to just go 10 miles. Ridiculous.

Although the tires on my car are bald and incapable of safely handling my reckless driving, my spirit to persevere was strong. I knew that if I took to the roads early enough and stayed the hell away from the freeway, I could maybe make it to my destinations in a punctual manner. However, my spirits were only strong enough to feed my compulsive need to be on time. They did nothing to diffuse my grotesque road rage en route to my destinations.

It's probably just as well. I wouldn't want my spirits to be stretched too thin or to be overly concerned with treating shitty drivers with common courtesy.

The Sun's Empty Gesture

I like the sun. It provides life, light and heat. Basically, it makes my existence possible, like it or not. My favorite part about the sun is the heat it provides. It's no secret that my favorite season is Summer. I love the heat. I like the sun shining down providing that heat. 

However, it is January and not a month that normally provides sunny warm weather. We haven't had a storm in a couple of weeks. The sun has been out shining but to no effect. I thought I would be happier seeing the sun shining so brightly. As it turns out, I just like warm weather. The sun shining is just a bonus. The sun shining down but providing little very heat is like the universe's grand cosmic joke. A sun without heat is like an empty gesture from a co-worker who offers to help you move but doesn't actually mean the offer. A sun without heat is like a beautifully gift wrapped box with no gift inside. A sun without heat is like achieving success without passion. 

I need to plan a trip to somewhere warm. Like Arizona or the Sahara. Hawaii would do nicely. I would even  go somewhere that only had 50 degree weather. I'm desperate for even a mildly warm outdoor experience. 

Sad.

Complimentary Observation

Compliments are funny. They are nothing more than very nice subjective opinions. There is not necessarily a right or wrong compliment, though there is a generally a more correct answer. If someone is a known douchebag with a long and treacherous history of douchebaggery, it is likely most people will think they are a douchebag. However, there may be a small percentage of people who feel this person is not a douchebag and may use positive words to describe them instead. This minority probably consists of close friends and family. It's probably difficult for parents to come to grips with their offspring's utterly blatant douchebag traits. Parents/grandparents tend see their children as great accomplishments who understand their quirks and personality. This type of blindness makes parents/grandparents particularly resistant to being open to the possibility that their son/daughter is a douchebag. Close friends will also be resistant to this type of factual thought-processing, but less so resistant than family. Friends are only bound to the douchebag by silent verbal contract. They aren't tied to them by blood, obligation, or cultural norms that demand familial loyalty. Friends have the potential to recognize douchebaggery. They either ignore it or embrace it. In some rare cases, the friend of the douchebag may wish to dismantle their friendship in favor of not being associated with a douchebag. If the family does come to grips with the douchebag behavior, they will often times try redirect the behavior in a more positive direction though they just tend to put up with it anyway.

*It should be noted, if you have been called a douchebag by your parents or grandparents, you have taken a series of wrong turns in your life. What kind of horrible person do you have to be in order to have your parents and/or grandparents, the people who were the most tolerant of your existence, to call you that?

My point to all this is that the only thing separates us from douchebags is the quality and quantity of compliments we absorb over time.  A co-worker of mine once described a member of their family as someone that "all the goodness in the world is wrapped into." That's a powerful compliment. Even if it was their own family, it's still a big statement to make about anyone. I can safely say right now, I believe that person when they say that. That family member is probably not a douchebag and will probably not fall into that unappealing lifestyle. I will probably not receive a compliment like that in my lifetime. I don't think I could be that good anyway. But positive compliments define us. Positive compliments define the nice guy at the office, or the nice neighbor that steps up and helps without having been asked.

In short, we should all try to live in such a way that we never have the title "douchebag" or something worse attached to our names.

Be genuinely nice, assholes.

Delusions of Artistry

Going back and retaking old classes has been a pain in the ass. But it has also served as reminder of who I thought I once was. Most of the classes I took back in those days were based on my vague desire to be somewhat unique and to be identified as artistic. That's right, I somehow had the audacity to consider myself an artist.

How in the hell did I manage to fool myself into that delusion, you ask? Well, this was somewhat provoked by my early 20's identity crisis. Combine that with the delusion that I thought my writing was good enough to be considered art and the other delusion that I thought music could still be a viable career for me, I was pretty set on feeling like an artist. The main problem with this attitude was that I hadn't written anything artistic. I was still under the impression that my "poetry" was good enough for publishing because of it's artistic value. I hadn't matured enough to realize that my attempts at poetry was just over-dramatic crap, not art. I failed to recognize the difference. Aside from my "poetry", I have exactly 12 pieces of unfinished work. These works include screenplays, scripts, short stories and "novels." When I read them now, they lack anything that would be valuable to anyone except me. They are really bad. Just terrible. But as a self-proclaimed artist, I had already thoroughly convinced myself that these writings could "go somewhere."

Fast forward to the present day. My English/creative writing course, film analysis course, and holistic medicine course do not fit me now. It's like trying on clothes that I wore when I was 8. I grew out of them....more than just a little bit. While I do enjoy creative writing and analyzing movies, the holistic medicine course is just way out there. I didn't believe in it or like it much back then. I thought it would be a good experience, plus I was taking it with a good friend. But now it feels like trying to put on underwear that I used to wear when I was 5. It's just ill-fitting and really uncomfortable. It's very much like a wedgey that you just can't fix. I look around at the class and remember how I thought that I identified with these types of people. These creative types. These hippy/hipsters. These mellow, low motivated, entitled people. These types are in all three of these classes and all I want, more than anything, is to not deal with them.

Now it's not so important to be identified as an artist, or this and that. It's more important that I just good in the world and just be happy.

Gallbladder Failure

I think I've finally started to wear down my gallbladder a little. It probably wasn't a good idea seeing as though gallbladder disease runs in my family. I'm pretty sure I've had two moderate gallbladder attacks in the last couple days. After eating something greasy, I got the pain in my back that is often associated with gallbladder attacks. It wasn't enough to put me down and make me vomit, but I certainly didn't feel like moving for a little while. And just as fast as it came on, it suddenly disappeared a little while later.

Now I'm being forced to eat healthy or possibly suffer a real gallbladder attack. I suppose it was only a matter of time before my body started to feel the effects of years of greasy abuse.

I guess it's a better warning than a massive heart attack or stroke. Still, I can't help but wish that my gallbladder would stop being a pansy.

Video Games at School

There is a long list of things that are beyond my comprehension. The list would likely be the length of a large, drawn out novel. Today, I'll be focusing on one thing in particular that is frustratingly beyond my grasp of understanding.

What I do not understand is how people come to school only to play games on their computer. I'm not a boring stiff who doesn't appreciate the value of a good video game here and there. While it is true that I'm not a "gamer" or whatever genre of video game nerd you may be familiar with, I can't understand coming to school to just play a game. Couldn't you be doing that at home instead of wasting the school's limited bandwidth? Or better yet, shouldn't you be doing that another time when you should be allocating more of your time towards studying? I realize that statement is a little ironic. Here I am in the school library typing up this blog when I need to be reading 3 chapters. I've also wasted precious bandwidth and time in this library to stall for time instead of doing an important assignment. However, every semester there is always a group of people who do nothing but play their computer games in the library. They have backpacks that carry textbooks, which confirms they are students, and yet I've never seen any one of them do homework or reading. They just sit there and play the game. I simply cannot wrap my head around that. You come here to just play the game? But you're at school. When do you do homework, if at all? Sure, one could argue that perhaps they do their homework at home or somewhere else or that they manage their time differently. If they do homework somewhere else, why not play the game somewhere else as well? They didn't develop the love of the game somewhere else. They probably play it at home too. So why not just stay there? I can get playing it for an hour or two as a break or to stall for a short period of time. But every time I see them playing, they play the ENTIRE time I'm there studying. Hours and hours of time used at school to do that. That's why I blog. It's a nice break but I fully intend to get back to my assignment.

I guess it's not my place to judge. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with school and managing their time. My ways are far from superior and I haven't always been a good student. However, I think it's worth mentioning that after a month goes by, I no longer see this group of people playing their video games. In fact, I don't see them at all. It's as if they disappear. My best guess is they drop out or stop going to class in favor of playing the game or other things that are similarly stupid. Though it's possible they buckle down and focus on school after a month's time, I highly doubt it. I had a couple of classes with a couple of them. They just one day stop showing up. I even notice they had the audacity to play during the class as well. That seems like that's kind of a problem, right? I'm also guessing that they might play at school to cope with some sort of social anxiety. I'm not saying all of them are nerds with no people skills, but it certainly appears that way from what I've seen. I'm also guessing they may play at school because they might be wasting their parents money for tuition by playing games at school. You can't exactly play video games all day at home and then convincingly tell your parents that you've been hard at work with your studies.

Most of these people are young. I get it. I was a horrible, shitty student when I was that young. I just want to tell them that they should either go to school or just play games. Not both. Instead of wasting someone's time and money by playing games at school, just be honest with yourself and not go to school until you're ready to commit. That talk wouldn't have worked on me back then though.

I simply don't understand it.

Winter Insanity

January is easily my least favorite month. Ironically, it contains my 2nd most favorite holiday: New Years. Other than that, January serves no purpose than to be cold and miserable. It's the coldest month of the year. It's freezing. It's dark. It's smoggy. It's winter personified. December is bad but January is worse. January is that extreme realm of winter shittiness. I never realize how hard winter hits me until I have a really good day and realize that the rest of my days during the month have felt like being drug through a cactus patch. It's only during this time of year that I feel this way this strongly. In the Summer it's practically euphoria. A mental orgasm induced by the sun and the promise of outdoor adventures.

I need more ways to combat the winter blues. Maybe I'll pick up knitting or some other pointless hobby. Maybe I can build model ships and then knit my models warm clothes in case they get chilly. Perhaps I can start collecting random ceramic knick-knacks, and then build them a display case made from Legos, K'nex, Lincoln Logs, and pieces of an old Erector set. Better yet, I'll collect expensive spoons, knit them warm sheaths, and then construct them a grand palace made exclusively of colored dominoes. It will be hard work but well worth it in the end. Right?

Spring and Summer, please come quickly. I need you.

The Introverts Nightmare

I'm now dreading one of the classes I'm taking this semester. I've taken it before but it was close to 6 years ago. I'm retaking it now to get a better grade. When I first took it, I thought it would be an easy A. I also took it because my friend was taking it and he insisted it wouldn't be so bad if we did it together. He was mostly right. The class wasn't so bad since he was there. However, the class did tend to offend my logical, scientific mind with the grandiose claims of holistic medicine. Although I knew this is what the class would entail, I had a hard time just going along with it. My teacher unfortunately prodded me into engaging her with my views, which she found offensive. I'm not talking about vulgar offensive. But offensive in that everything she taught I disagreed with based on the fact almost none of it was scientifically evaluated or evidence based. I would have been happy to just go along with it silently. But no, she always asked me my opinion, shook her head and gave me a terrible participation grade. Long story short, I didn't do so well in the class which is why I'm retaking it now.

Flash forward to today's class: I'm totally screwed. This class is full of super extroverted, self-indulgent, egotistical hippies and hipsters. Just about everyone could not shut up talking about themselves. Just about everyone had no problem talking loudly to others while the instructor was talking. Just about everyone was under the impression they were unique and talented individuals with a smug "better than thou" attitude. I just wanted to disappear. I couldn't hear myself think over all the noise of what was supposed to be a classroom. They were all the stereotypical hipster/hippy crowd, except on proverbial steroids. These weren't just any self-important hipsters. These were rude, entitled, arrogant, don't-give-a-shit assholes who will make this class a living hell. But I have to take it. It's the only day that works with my schedule, I have to repair my old grade and this class will be an A. I've already seen the course load. I would be a fool to not follow through just because everyone else bothers me. 

Still. I don't like it. 

I'll be the class hermit. 

That's a title I can be proud of. 

People Are Moderately Funny Sometimes

The first week of class every semester provides some entertainment for what is normally a boring and often frustrating period of time. It's almost the same every new semester. The younger girls are often laughably overdressed to impress as if it's the first day of high school. Though, many older women are also a bit overdressed to impress as well. In fact, overdressed is probably not the right term for it. Underdressed would probably be a better word. This morning it was literally 7 degrees outside. 7! That is horrifically cold. Yet everywhere I looked there was some 19 year old girl in short shorts, legs exposed, walking around as if the state were enjoying unseasonably warm tropical temperatures. How desperate for attention can you possibly be?

However, it would be unfair for me to pin this sort of attention-seeking behavior on the women here. There is plenty of douchebag guys roaming the premise in nothing but tight shirts and gym shorts. Even then, plenty of guys are just in long sleeve t-shirts and pants. I'm not saying you have to dress like you're braving an arctic blizzard of epic proportions. I'm not dressed in a heavy jacket myself. I'm just in a regular zip-up hoodie. I have hard time justifying being in a heavy coat when I'm walking outside for less than 2 minutes at a time. There is hardly an attention-seeking or fashion element involved in this decision. I simply don't want to wear a heavy coat for 2 minutes of time outside. What I can't justify is dressing in minimal clothing just to garner attention to satisfy a hungry ego. It just doesn't make any sense.

On the positive side, there is something sickly entertaining to watching these people freeze their ass off. The best part is, you can tell they are just dying of hypothermia but they are playing it off as if the cold doesn't even bother them. Never mind the fact their noses and ears look painfully red, their walking is stiff, and every single one of them has the sniffles. I guess this is the one thing I can take as quasi-positive during a week that frustrates me with bad parking, rude people, and the uncomfortable adjustment to a new routine.

Teaching

Lately, I've been having EMT students follow me at work. It's mildly rewarding at best. Mostly, it's not rewarding at all. For the most part, they are naive high school kids who think they own the world already. It makes me wonder if I was that arrogant when I was that young. I find myself becoming extremely irritated just dealing with them. But I've been debating why I've been so irritated. Is it because these are young kids who act with so much hope and dreams that I'm just mad that they aren't as burned out as me? That reality hasn't burned them out? Or are they really that irritating? Are they really that arrogant and reckless and I'm that old now and that sort of thing irritates me now? It might be a combination of all of the above. I hope I wasn't that bad and I can just blame it on this generation being raised inferior to my generation (my generation is still horrible and shitty, but not as bad as today's. I think I can safely assume the generation before mine has already labeled my generation as inferior and shitty )

Of course, making the assumption that the succeeding generations are inferior in character automatically makes me a grandpa. I guess I have no choice but to just embrace my grouchy old man ways. They seem like they are here to stay.

Last Days of Freedom

I start school again in two days. I can't say I'm hugely excited about it. I was starting to get the hang of the whole "lazy bum" kind of thing. It was nice to only worry about work and nothing else. On the other hand, I feel somewhat compelled to go back. I've been bored not having too much to do. Not having a purpose. But I'm equally nervous to go back. This upcoming semester will certainly be an ass kicker. It will be full of work and bullshit. Mostly bullshit. I'm afraid it will be too much. Or maybe it won't be too bad like my last semester. Maybe just really busy but doable.

I've been trying to enjoy my last few days of doing nothing. I know I will greatly miss them when I'm up to my ass in busy work. 5 days a week of school. That will be a new one for me. Maybe I'm over-thinking it and it won't be so bad after all.

Or maybe I'm setting myself up for the biggest social/academic raping of my life.

Stay tuned to find out.

Breathable Air

The air quality in my state has been awful. It's been like breathing pudding that has been rolled around in the dirt. This type of air quality is less than optimal for even an average quality of life. My cold lasted twice as long than it usually does. I couldn't walk outside without feeling like a big fat guy walking 20 feet without the assistance of a walker or jazzy. Feeling like a big fat guy on a daily basis is no quality of life......Unless you like being a big fat guy, then I guess it's ok. As we speak, I'm gradually recovering from this miserable cold. With the air of a somewhat better quality, I have felt much better. Sure, it could be a coincidence that I just happened to start feeling better when the air started to clear. Or maybe, the air got better and I started to feel better.

Please don't be mistaken, this is not the point in my post where I make a preachy opinion about the environment and subtly imply how I know better than most people about the subject. Nay, this is also not the point in my post where I make a vague call for action and smugly declare I knew this was a problem before most people. No, I will not be making a point to say something about the failure of our politicians or recommending a book that I think "everyone should read."

This is the point in my post where I abruptly end it without proper closure.

Sorry. [Kind of, not really]

Truck Stop

When I was in Idaho for Christmas, something was different. When we passed by the site of the old family truck stop, it was found that a new one had been put up in its place. For some reason, that really tugged at my nostalgic heart strings. I think it got to my dad too. It was strange to know that the truck stop was gone for good, though it had been torn down about a year before. But to have something built over the top of it was somehow hurtful. I think I've always just assumed that the old truck stop would be there. I would always imagine taking my kids there someday and hope when they got older they would come here with the same feelings of nostalgia as I did. Even though the building had been gone for a while, it really hit hard that something else was already there. Even if the building was abandoned and left behind, I might have felt better about it. It would have at least stood as a symbol of countless memorable stops.

I suppose it's not that big of a deal. It's just an old building and nothing lasts forever. But still, every time I think about it, I feel as though a piece of my childhood has gone missing.

Resolutionary Thoughts

Now that the 2nd day in January is now over halfway done, I guess I have to start thinking of New Years resolutions. Sure, it probably would have been smarter and more time efficient to have thought of all this before the new year started. But then I would have had to take precious time from other elements of my life to concoct these resolutions. Frankly, I was not willing to allocate time from sitting on my ass, reading, working, and other such activities towards figuring out resolutions.

Now I'm confronted with the idea of having to figure this all out ASAP. I had vague ideas beforehand of what I wanted to accomplish this year but decided "I'll think about it later." January is firmly under way. No going back now.

So what is it I want to accomplish this year? I've done a pretty good job in years past of getting what I want done. My resolutions don't change too much through the years. For the most part, I generally promise to do better in school, do my good deeds every year, and stay in shape. Those will be staying in. But what to add? I can definitely keep going with the being a nicer person thing. I can use more improvement on that. Maybe I should try more new things. I tried rock climbing for the first time yesterday and it was awesome. I'll try new things within reason. I won't elaborate further. But I'll try more new things this year. I would like to travel more, but it's unlikely I'll be able to accomplish that.

Ok that's it. I won't try to make anymore. If I try to make too many goals, some will undoubtedly fall by the wayside. Let's just concentrate on this for now.

New Year Awesomeness

New Years is my 2nd favorite holiday. It's such a wonderful premise. You get together with your friends and family every year, celebrate the old year leaving, look forward to a new and better year ahead. What's not to like? I suppose that holiday could get rather lonely if you have no friends. However, I do not have that problem. Every year, my New Years Eve kicks ass. The following New Years day, I'm intoxicated with hope for a new beginning. New resolutions to better ones self. Hope for better times. Hope for better decisions.

This New Years was no exception. After an awesome night with my best friends, the next day proved to be awesome. I slept in for a while, then went to lunch with the same group of friends at my favorite pizza place. I ate a ton of pizza. It almost made me sick. Almost. Then I went rock climbing for the first time. Surprisingly, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I'm pretty scared of heights and have an intense fear of falling to my death. This was not helped by someone actually falling at the climbing gym to the point an ambulance carried them out. However, I pressed on anyhow and enjoyed my time there. I probably won't pursue it as a part time hobby, but I may dabble in it every now and then. It seems really expensive to get into. I already have enough expensive hobbies that I'm into. However, if someone asks me to go to a climbing gym with them, I would be less inclined to say no from now on.

Now I'm just relaxing. All is well and right with the world today. I think I'll revel in that feeling for a while. I don't get it very often.

Goodbye 2012, Hello Lucky 2013!

Here I am writing yet another 'end-of-the-year' post. It feels like a lot has happened and yet not a whole lot has happened at the same time this year. After looking through old posts and really reflecting on this year as a whole, I feel good about writing about it.

A year ago today, I was at Joe and Randi's New Years party. Once again, just about everyone was there. It's the one time of year where we can successfully get most of our group of friends to be under the same roof. Drinks were consumed, hugs were exchanged. Talks were had. The new year was brought in. Bad news was uncovered for a few people. Midnight had slipped by and I suddenly got a call from my sister who seemed like she was in trouble. She needed a ride out of where she was. I jumped into my car immediately. After getting lost following her frantic directions, I eventually found her safe and sound. Afterwards, we called it a night. It was 2 in the morning and we had all the excitement we could handle for a night.

January got underway. I took a heavier course load at school, which wasn't a bad thing. I tried ice fishing for the first time much to my deep fright of breaking through the ice and dying. Otherwise, January was cold and dry.

February was very much the same. I concentrated on school, made some time for ice fishing, which I ended up really enjoying.

March I started yearning for the warmer seasons. Winter always takes its wear on me quickly. However, I stayed on the path of alternating my time between school and work. Nothing seemed to ever change.

April I picked up another fishing hobby: Fly fishing. A co-worker offered to teach me for free. I gladly jumped at the opportunity to learn something new. I continued on with school and work. Me and my friends started a new tradition of "Cigar Saturday."

May, my Spring semester finally ended. I went on a trip with my good friends to Bear Lake at Brennon's cabin. It was cold, and we didn't actually fish Bear Lake. But the trip was well worth it. Memorial weekend came which was much needed, however the weather decided not to cooperate. It snowed most of the time there and remained cold. As always it was nice just to be there to see my family.

June came around much to my happiness. The sun was back and so was my happy disposition. I could go back to fishing places with or without company. I worked a little extra but wouldn't stress myself. I didn't go back to school for Summer semester.

July was much like June. Sunny. Fun. Relaxed. I paid off my car and was starting to get ready for Fall semester.

August kept up the trends of both June and July. Nothing too eventful happened.

September arrived with a new set of challenges. I had a harder course load. I had accelerated half semesters and a couple of full term courses. All of which kept me very busy. From there, it felt as though my social life had died.

October passed through and provided a slump. For some reason, my personality just seemed to crash. I fell into a rut. A feeling of blah. I don't understand how or why. Just one day, I woke up and felt like shit. I couldn't shake the feeling no matter how hard I tried. It also didn't help that I almost got in a huge accident. I spun out of control on the freeway and almost got hit my several cars. Luckily, no one was injured. I had never faced that sort of danger before. It forced me to think about my life. I was supposed to go to San Diego with my dad but couldn't because of school.

November came and my rut had carried on into the new month. Everything seemed to go by so slow. I hadn't been out of my house, school, or work very often. I was supposed to see my friend Kevin in Seattle during the second week but that also fell through due to finances. My birthday came which was actually a very good day. My co-workers were extraordinarily kind. Many offered me sincere happy birthdays and small gifts. It was nice to feel loved and appreciated. After that, things started to get a little better. My school load was still rather intense as I fought to finish the semester. I also found a new found love for hanging out at slow coffee shops.

December ended up turning out really well. Surprisingly, it was a generally relaxing month. After finals were done, I started to read casually again. I had time to see my friends and family and all that mattered to me. Christmas turned out well as it was nice to see my grandparents and half brother.


2012 was a nice year. When I look back on it, I see that it wasn't so eventful. But maybe that's a good thing. I look back on this year and smile and shrug a little bit. Not a lot happened. The things that did happen were generally good. I've started to truly understand the merit of hard study. I've started to feel the burn of dedicating my time to school and truth be told, I actually enjoy it a little. Of course, like every year, I had my rough patches. These patches were small and didn't affect the course of my entire year. They feel like vague and distant memories rather than healing wounds.

I can only hope that 2013 lives up to the lucky hype. 2012 was a good year. I can only hope that I can bring that and more into this new year. I hope I can accomplish as much as I did this year and more. I hope I can work hard, challenge myself and make a better life for myself and maybe others too. Next year, much of my future is unknown, as it is every year. But this year, it doesn't feel so scary to face.

Now once again to Joe and Randi's New Years party. I'll blog about it again, one year from today.


Have a happy and safe New Year!

My Philosophy

"People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel."

-Maya Angelou

I stumbled on that quote yesterday and it immediately struck me. In a few simple sentences, my philosophy on life had been eloquently paraphrased. I've tried to live my life to make a positive difference in others lives to the best I can. It's true, the memories of what you said and did are easily forgotten. But the emotions of how you make people feel stick. There is some scientific psychology truth to this, but I won't get into that. The point is, we remember how others make us feel more than anything. If someone makes us feel like shit, we remember that for a long time, perhaps even forever in some cases. If someone makes us feel good, we spend more time with them or are willing to do more for them. We take that to heart and live by it. It's how humanity has survived and functioned to a most basic degree.

I guess if there is one thing I want to give in this life, is that when I'm gone I hope people remember that I made them feel good, or better, or postively. Something to the effect of good. Obviously, I can't please everyone and nor would I want to. But I sincerely hope that I move along in this life being a positive influence on others despite my many flaws.

Resolution Success

With only a couple days left in 2012, I look back and see that I've been generally successful with what I wanted to accomplish this year. I wanted to try to be nicer to people this year. I feel that I have been very successful with this. Probably the most successful I have ever been in this endeavor. I've seen a generally positive increase in how people respond to me. My awkward hermit ways did inhibit me quite a bit however. It still does. There are a few people I just can't bring myself to be nice to. Ever. I just can't. No matter how I try. I simply do not like them as people and have therefore have felt they do not deserve even my fake kindness. I'm not outwardly mean to these people but I'm also not outwardly nice. I'm just cold and neutral to their general existence. I should be nice but I can't be. I've tried. I can't do it.

I've also done very well at school this year, just I promised. It's been a great year of academic success for me. I can be proud of that.

Since I was a teenager, I've always made the resolution to do one good deed per day if possible. I don't remember exactly what age I started to implement this. I want to say it was around the ages of 13-15. It was definitely before high school. Anywho, I have a few basic rules to follow when accomplishing these deeds. They can't be nice things that I was asked to do. Like for instance, if my mom tells me to take out the trash, it doesn't count. However, if I go out of my way to do it to help out without being asked, that counts. When I started working at the hospital when I was 16, I also had to make the rule that being nice to patients doesn't count. Going out of my way for patients does. It's hard to describe all the rules I have to make this possible. Most days, I do more than one good deed a day. Some days, it's hard to muster just one. This year, I feel that I have accomplished this resolution on many levels. Next year, I hope will be the same but hopefully better.

Weight loss is always on everyone's list. This one I wasn't so stellar in. I didn't really lose weight until the Fall season. I gained a lot back through the Spring and Summer and didn't get serious until after then. Even now, I'm failing at it. Instead of being good, I just recently finished lunch at Chick-Fil-A when I should have been resisting the greasy temptation. Worst part is, I'll make this a resolution again in 2013 with every other fat-ass trying to fight the obesity. Which means crowded gyms, lack of healthy foods to eat because they will be sold out most of January, and listening to everyone else's uninspiring tales of minimal weight loss. Bleh. I hate January.

What other resolutions will I have in store for 2013? Maybe I'll just save that for another time wasting blog. Or maybe I'll forget to write about it and you'll have to live with not ever knowing.

Lost Voice

It sucks not having a voice. And I'm not talking about a political voice or having a say in a group decision. I'm literally talking about the vocal cords. It seems that once or twice a year, my voice just decides to disappear. Usually it's the result of a cold that has hung around me for too long and it just decides to go to my voice. I don't feel sick. My voice is just gone. I can barely utter an audible sentence. People who have tracheal stomas sound more audible and better than I do right now. 

And of course, the very time I lose my voice is the exact moment everyone wants to hang out with me. As it turns out, not being able to talk with people is extremely detrimental to efficient communication. It's a real pain in the ass. In any case, all I can hope for is my voice to come back in a timely fashion.......which it won't. It never does. So I'm stuck sounding like a 26 year old 14 pack-a-day smoker for at least 2 weeks before I get my voice back to normal. Another insult to this is that my ability to sing in the car has now been taken away. My only guilty pleasure on this planet has been stricken down for at least half a month. 

It seems like 2012 is trying to get one last jab in before it gives way to 2013. It has done so by going for the throat. I've hence decided that 2012 is a dirty fighting bitch. 

There I said it. 

Let us all hope that my voice sort of comes back before the new year. I'll need it. 

Low Quality

So I know my blog hasn't been too exciting lately. I don't have anything worth writing about lately. So basically I've just been writing about the first thing on my mind. Currently, there is nothing pressing on my mind that would demand my time to write about on here.

Unfortunately, I realize that I will not be reaching my goal of tying or beating my old record of 2nd most posts in a year. Unless I crank out 4 more shitty posts, I might do it. But they would be horrible and not worth posting just to beat some stupid self record.

Any case, sorry about my low quality posts. You'll just have to deal with it until I feel creative again.

Silence is Neat

I got the two things back that I needed most: two fitting plain hoodies, and my greatly desired noise canceling headphones. The headphones are wonderful. It turns you that you can in fact buy silence and happiness for an insane price. Thankfully I got them for free for Christmas. Currently, I'm at a coffee shop wearing these very headphones. With a little bit of light music playing in the background, the rest of the world just melts away. No listening to stupid conversations of other people. No listening to the loud noises of the coffee shop. No listening to the crappy music of the coffee shop. Everything else around me is completely irrelevant. These headphones are superior to my last ones in most ways. They fall short on a couple of expectations but those are minor details. However, I must say that they do the job better than my last pair by a long shot.

My hermit tendencies are greatly enhanced by this wonderful piece of technology. I don't have to care about anyone or anything. Someone could be robbing this place and I wouldn't notice. I'm tuned in. I'm in the zone. Visual distractions are limited. Audio distractions are eliminated. Mental thought processes are clear. Yes, these fancy ear muffs are clarity and silence.

I doubt you care. But I just thought you should know that these things are excellent.

I recommend it.

Christmas Memories

So here I am at midnight at my grandparents house in Idaho. It's been easily 10 years since I've been here to celebrate Christmas. It's nice being back during this time of year. Some of my fondest childhood memories are here during the holidays. When I was a kid, I always wondered about the day it would be me driving myself to see my grandparents for Christmas. I would sit in the backseat and enjoy watching the snow pass by the car in the dark. We always seemed to travel to Idaho in the dark. The familiar cold and crisp Idaho air would fill my lungs every time I was outside. My grandparents glowing smiling faces always greeted my sister and I as we pulled into their driveway. The dozens of glorious presents under their perfectly decorated tree would make me and my sister anxious and giddy for the morning. I would always wake up at 4:30 AM and sit around until 6 or 630 to wake up my parents.

It all seems so different now. This year I drove my family up to Idaho because the weather was bad. For the first time in a long time, I felt like a responsible adult because of it. Instead of waking up at 6, we all agreed to wake up around 8 or 9. Instead of toys to occupy our carefree time, we will receive nice and practical gifts. Instead of anxiety for gift opening, it will just be simple happiness. None of these are bad things. But everything I associate with Christmas time at this house is not the same. I'm grown up. So is my sister. My parents and grandparents are older now. Christmas isn't just about receiving gifts and toys to occupy our free time. It's about spending time with those I truly care about. And not just spending time in a cheesy Hollywood Christmas kind of way, but just being there to have that time because we are a family.

I'm glad I'm here. It may not be the climactic childhood Christmas smothered in gifts that I'll always remember, but it's still Christmas with my family. And now more than ever, does that seem like the best gift I can ask for.

Proud Survivor of the End of the World

In my relatively brief 26 years on this planet, I have survived quite a few "end of the world prophecies." Most notably and recently, the Mayan apocalypse. At this point, I'm practically a veteran of surviving these catastrophic events. I've survived 4 Harold Camping predictions, dozens of 1999-2000 predictions. 2 Jehovah's witness predictions. 1 Isaac Newton prediction. 1 Nostradamus prediction. Roughly 9 cult predictions.

At this point, I'm feeling pretty good about my odds of surviving further apocalyptic predictions. The odds have been clearly stacked in my favor. I feel pretty confident that I can rule out climatically catastrophic events as my eventual cause of death. Unfortunately, I have yet to rule out car crashes, cancer, disease, shooting, stabbing, hypothermia, drowning, choking and other various obvious causes.

But on the positive side, ruling out the apocalypse is a pretty big cause to eliminate. Now I just need to be able to confidently eliminate the rest of the possibilities. No big deal.

Familiar Roads

The little sleep I got last night led me to a strange dream. The dream itself wasn't significant but it was the location. Somewhere down a back road was an area that doesn't exist in real life. And yet, I've visited this place frequently in my dreams. It's familiar because I've been there before. My mind uses it as a stage set it seems like. The empty back road always has the same four-way stop and down the road some more lies a small cluster of buildings. Some are houses, some are local businesses. For reasons unknown to me, my mind uses this place as a backdrop for nonsensical dreaming plots. I instantly recognize it as if it were somewhere I've always known. In a way I have always known about it. But for different reasons, I'm always there during different seasons. I always know that this place is far west, not east. I know this place has a candy shop that I've been to several times. I know the place somehow doesn't get a lot of visitors.

Somehow, this place is as real and familiar to me as my grandparents. The sights and smells are like a memory. The crazy thing is, this place doesn't exist anywhere in real life. It exists in my mind to be a setting. I don't know where it comes from, but I find it interesting that my mind has familiar roads and scenery in what is supposed to be a random and sporadic process.

Death of a Plain Hoodie

Another astonishing development to keep you posted about has just broken through..... 5 days ago. One of my favorite plain zip-up hoodies finally broke. The zipper handle thing shattered for no apparent reason. Sure I can still zip it up. But with great difficulty and inconvenience. It was one of my favorite hoodies to wear. It was a nice plain dark gray. Plain. Just the way I like my clothing. It went great with everything I wore. Black shirt? No problem. Yellow shirt? You bet your ass that gray hoodie complimented it. Formal clothing? Definitely worked. It was an all purpose hoodie that worked for every occasion. Now my ability to wear it has been greatly hindered by shoddy manufacturing. I thought about taking it to a seamstress, but realized that cost would be greater than what I had actually paid for it at Target.

The worst part about this is that Target doesn't make that same hoodie anymore. (I've checked 5 different locations. It's gone.) When I first bought that hoodie, I had a small voice in my head tell me to buy two because it would be really handy. I dismissed this voice of reason and decided to save money instead. Now I'm hurting because of it. I should have bought two. They are just such awesome hoodies. Not only was it plain, but it actually fit me. I have great difficulty finding a hoody that fits my small torso. My second favorite hoody just got promoted to current favorite hoody. It's a nice black hoody. I like it. But I'm not sure if it's number one material.

Now I'm on a quest to find similar hoodies of excellent plain and fitting qualities. This has been an insanely difficult task since the style these days it's not very plain at all. Furthermore, hoodies nowadays are huge and baggy, even for a small. I've gotten desperate enough to try on kids sizes with no success. I'm too big for the kids sizes but too small for even a small man size.

Luckily there is light at the end of the tunnel. I've found a few possible replacements after much searching. So don't worry about me over here.

I think I got this catastrophe under control.

Done With Shopping

This is the first time in years where I got my shopping done before the 23rd or 24th. I've found that I have a penchant for getting my shopping done at the very last second in the most stressful fashion possible. Every year, I make half-hearted promises to get my shopping done earlier the following year. For once, I finally made good of that promise. I've been done for 3 days now and it's a wonderful feeling.

However, fighting the crowds was horrible. Everywhere I went, I was sandbagged by an extreme lack of service. At one store, I saw a total of 3 people on the floor. Two of them were working the cash register. The other one was doing some sort of work that didn't involve helping customers at all. This store is massive and huge. It doesn't make sense that during the busiest time of the year that they are so incredibly under-staffed. The other store, there was an excess of employees who all seemed to be concentrated on just creating the illusion of being busy by speed walking to and fro, but not actually doing anything. Eventually, I got some half-assed service that included a long inconvenienced sigh from the employee. Now I understand that it's a busy time of the year and it can't be easy. But suck it up, asshole! It's your job. Do it.

All in all, my shopping is done and I'm very content with that. Maybe next year I'll get done at an even earlier time.

[Probably not.]

Measuring Strength

Today I over-analyzed what it means to put a definition on the strength of someone else. Particularly when people define someones strength to the equivalent of x amount of men. Someone mentioned that an MMA fighter "had the strength of 10 men." I really started to think about that. If someone has the strength of 10 men, what kind of quality of men are we talking about here? This is a very important question. What if all 10 of these men come from different backgrounds of age, capability, disability and different levels of being in shape? No one specifies that all 10 of these alleged men are in shape and strong too. If you have the strength of 10 men, I would think it would be extremely important to specify what kind of men. Like "I have the strength of 10 men who are all roughly in their 20's, in pristine shape and train in heavy weight boxing." That's the man I'm going to fear.

I think if you don't specify that, you leave yourself open to interpretation. People like me will be analyzing what kind of 10 men strong you are. At the end of my decision, I could jump to the conclusion that your strength is the equivalent of 1 tall scrawny, pale 19 year old man, 6 crippled geriatric men with varying degrees of dementia, 2 Jewish boys who just had their entry into manhood via Bar Mitzvah and 1 middle aged fat guy who is only capable of lifting half ounce chicken legs to his face without feeling exhausted. Sure, that seems pretty strong if you think about it superficially. But I think you'll find that combined, this strength equals someone who is approximately 6 foot 4 inches, in moderately decent shape, and has a natural medium build. Which is cool, but relatively unimpressive and not rare.

I wouldn't even say I have the strength of one whole man. I would say I have the strength of 4 high-spirited six year old boys and maybe even the strength of a shy 10 year old whose only exercise comes from playing the Wii.



At least I'm honest.

Can't Write This Month

So I know I said that I would try to write more this month. However, this is just simply not going to happen. December is always busy for me. It's easy for me to forget to write here. Now I know you're hurting for more rants on parking spots, my struggle with school and pointless posts that go no where, but you'll just have to deal with the void in your life that is my lack of posting.

I'll catch you up to speed here with my thoughts as of recently.

With the holidays now grasping everyone tight by the tender genitals, the quality of my life has decreased significantly. Fighting crowds is not my favorite. Every time I'm forced to go out on the weekend to a busy store or public restaurant, I can't help but wish I had a cattle prod or asp baton to start hitting people with. I'm no violent monster. I'm just an angry shut-in who cares little for navigating through large noisy crowds of inconsiderate assholes. Obviously, I would never act on such a thought. That's stupid. I've just noticed as I've gotten older that I have a lower tolerance for crowds and loud noise. When I was young, I didn't mind it so much. All the music shows I went to I was shoulder to shoulder with others getting shoved around while listening to music loud enough to blow the eardrums of everyone within a 6 mile radius. That wouldn't fly so well now. I would probably be at the edge of the crowd yelling for someone to turn it down. I'm just getting too old for this kind of crap now.

My extra-curricular life has suffered a little. I haven't gone fishing in a while. I figured once finals were done, I would be out and about seeing the outdoors again. All my days off have been sandbagged by bad weather which in turn enables my salty attitude towards winter. I've been told I need to do more winter stuff like snowboarding or snow-shoeing or something snow related. I generally oppose snow activities. I tried snowboarding before. It was ok. Nothing that I got overly attached to. I did it for a couple of seasons but never went back after I was 16. I'm just not a winter person. I need sun and warmth. Not cold white shit to slide down on at dangerous speeds atop a slick plastic board.

Lately, I've found that I have a new affinity for sparsely populated coffee shops. It's my new loner hang out. It's some place to go and still enables me to be alone without looking weird. I can read, write, and do whatever without being bothered. I'm currently writing some such a location in a back booth, away from the general public. Even on my days off, it's a nice get away. Just sit back, have some coffee and a cookie. Originally, the coffee shop was just a back-up plan for when the school library got too shitty to deal with i.e bad internet connections, noisy people, or too crowded to sit in. Now it has become a new part of my life. Something to do. Somewhere to go. Something peaceful.

That's it. I'll try to write again before the 31st.

[No promises.]

Rest in Peace Headphones

Yesterday, my beloved noise-canceling headphones broke while taking a test. My world started to collapse. My little piece of artificial peace was broken. No matter where I was, I could turn on my headphones and they would work their magic to tune out everything else. It was like having my own private quiet study room on the go. They were cheaper than the other ones out there. They weren't perfect. But they did their job. Now that I don't have them, I find that I'm anxious to have another pair as soon as possible. I'm not sure if I can make it till Christmas. The ear buds I have work, but they don't tune out the noise of the rest of the world. That is noise that I'm desperate to tune out. It's hard to study otherwise. And sometimes (most of the time), it's just nice to not care about everyone else.

Fair thee well, headphones. I'll be replacing you soon. But you taught me valuable lessons. Tuning out the rest of the world wherever I go is good for my sanity and enforces my hermit behavior.

I need that.

Road Rage and "Top Gun" References

As I've stated before, driving during the holidays is nothing short of atrocious. Everyone, everywhere are committing vile driving atrocities just so they can shop and participate in other holiday-related crap. My road rage usually peaks at about this time of year. People must think I'm insane screaming in my car, pounding on my steering wheel or empty passenger seat. Most strangers in other cars would likely not guess that when I'm not ridiculously pissed off about minor driving infractions, that I'm actually a mild-mannered introvert with a penchant for low-brow dick jokes.

As I was driving to school today, dodging assholes in minivans and SUV's, I had an epiphany. I drive a manual transmission, a stick-shift. I often find my thumb on the top of the shift knob, as if there is some sort of trigger/fire button. What if there was? What if I outfitted my car with missiles?

I can see it now:

Cruising down the freeway while "Highway to the Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins blasts in the background. Some inconsiderate asshole pulls out in front of me and decides to do half the speed limit instead of waiting so as not to inconvenience others with their indifference to time. "Fuck!" I yell as I flip on my targeting computer. My screen in the dashboard dramatically beeps as crosshairs slowly drift over to the car I wish to target. Sweat starts to build upon my brow as I wait for my computer to lock on missiles. This person is seriously inconveniencing me. I have places to go! I can't just simply pass them. Everyone around me has boxed me in. I have no choice but to take this one out in order to complete my mission in a timely fashion. My computer now beeps rapidly as the words "Target Acquired, Missiles Locked!" flash at the bottom of the screen. It's go time! My thumb rolls across the bright red button fixed atop of my shift knob. I push the button and the missiles are away! The car in front of me bursts into flames and wreckage flies everywhere! I coolly drive through the blazing wreckage as if it doesn't phase me. I look in my rear view mirror and notice that a family of four managed to hit the eject button and parachute to safety just before my sidewinder missiles annihilated their only form of viable transportation. A smirk inches its way to the corner of my lips.

"Bogey down," I smugly report over my headset radio.
"Good job, Black Rider. Now proceed to your objective and complete 'Operation: Get Groceries,' replies a calm but ecstatic voice.
"Roger that, H.Q," I say as I pull into Costco.


Thank your lucky stars I don't have missiles on my car. Every day would be a "Top Gun" montage. And no one wants that.

Stress Eating

Stupid school. Stupid finals. I'm stress eating like crazy. As I type this, I'm currently enjoying my usual tall cup of coffee accompanied by a significantly large pastry. But does it ever feel good to have shitty food when stressed. It's horrible. I eat a ton of bad food around this time of year. I tried to be good this week, but I found that it was nearly impossible. 

This pastry soothes the stress of having to write a large final paper. At this moment, I should be writing it. Right now, I should be diligently composing a brilliant essay that will change the way we view history......Ok not really. But I should be working on this final essay that's a significant piece of my grade. 

I'll do it soon. 

After I finish my pastry.............and half my coffee.

In conclusion: School makes me fat.

Dreams That Mirror Alternate Realities

For years, I used to have dreams about old friends that were no longer in my life. These dreams include friends that I knew from elementary school for 10 years +. It was kind of strange. It was as if my subconscious couldn't let them go. As if something, somehwere in my mind was determined to keep them alive somehow. It hasn't been until the last year and a half or so that these dreams have died off to a near rarety. Last night was probably the first time in almost a year that I had a dream about my old friends.

When it has happened, I've been tempted to jump into my Star Trek nerd ways to explain it. I often wonder if there is some way that I'm looking into an alternate universe of what could have been. What if we had stayed friends? What if we had never drifted apart? These are silly questions as there is no use wondering what could have been. It's fun to think of what kind of friends we could have grown into after having already built so many years together. It's still fun to imagine that in some way, I'm looking at the alternate ending to our story.

However, I doubt these alternate endings include my old buddies and I fighting off dinosaurs so we can purchase the ultimate skateboard shoes. I guess I can't rule that out completely. Parallel Universe Theory suggests that anything imagined that can happen, has happened in an alternate universe.

So maybe...........

December is a Disappointment

Words cannot accurately describe my general dislike of the month of December. December is the true mark of winter and coldness. Currently, the weather is tolerable. No snow, pretty mild temperatures, abnormal amounts of sun. I can get behind this. But I know it won't last. Or maybe it will. Who knows. Global warming is messing with our heads.

December is also a time that I tend to write less because I'm busy doing other crap. Usually working a ton or shopping. There are good things about December that I have come to enjoy the last couple of years. December marks the time of year my good friends come home to visit. Everyone is reunited again under one roof. It's always a heartwarming feeling to have everyone together again. Not to mention that my finals come to and end, thus giving me freedom. Sort of. I usually end up working extra to make some money before Christmas. This year, I'll try to have a bit more fun. 

In other news, I beat my own personal record of most posts in a month. Go November! Woo-hoo, I guess. My goal now is to post more often this December and make up for some lost time from my hiatus in the middle of the year. Perhaps with some diligence, I can make this the year with the second most posts. 

There really is no point to this blog. I'm stalling again. I really don't want to work on this piece of shit paper that's due fairly soon. I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't care about it at all. But I know if I finish this paper, a load of stress will be lifted off. I also know if I do this paper, I will have a hard time doing it because I can't think of anything to write on it. 

I'm just a tad burned out on writing papers and preparing for finals.

My Life is NOT Like a Roller Coaster

"My life is like a roller coaster."

Lately, I found that I have come to deeply resent that analogy. When I really think about it, and I mean really think about it, my life hardly resembles a roller coaster. If some amusement park owner made the financially disastrous mistake of making a roller coaster based on my life and exploits, it would be pretty boring. Sure, I have my ups and downs like everyone else. But these ups and downs aren't roller coaster worthy. If someone had the idea to make a roller coaster after me it would probably be a straight line that would go roughly 76 feet away from it's starting point.. It wouldn't go fast either. It might be fast enough to blow your hair around a bit, maybe. Bugs wouldn't hit your face and you would scream in agony because a bug hit your face while you were going so fast. No, that would not be the case. In fact, on my roller coaster you would probably have time to swat the bug away before it reached your face. If my life were to be any amusement park ride, it would probably be the amusement park train that gives you a tour of the park. That would reflect my life a little bit more accurately. It would be slow, kind of boring but would have some highlights. My amusement train, depending on the day, sometimes passes by the amusement park zoo that is filled with sleepy and grossly neglected animals. Other tour train attractions include the ticket booth, 3 different restroom locations, the overpriced food court, and in the distance a slight glimpse of the main attraction ride but the view is mostly blocked by a large tree.

Rides that are made after superheros are fun. But I think these roller coasters hardly reflect the heroism and action that our favorite characters encounter. When I went to Six Flags in California about 8 years ago, I found this to be the case. The Batman, Superman, Green Lantern and Spider Man rides were all very fun. However, I felt like they really failed to capture the essence of their adventures. I didn't feel as though I had walked a mile in their shoes as a result of riding these theme park attractions. Sure it was fun, and I wasn't about to ask for my money back because of it. But I felt as though the amusement parks cheapened the names of my favorite superheroes by implying their adventures were much like high velocity corkscrews and random ups and downs. I really didn't feel like it gave me any idea of the danger of being a super hero or what it felt like to defeat a super villain. I was half tempted to write Six Flags, Marvel and DC Comics a strongly worded letter regarding my disappointment. I knew that would be a waste of time. I knew that hot little letter would never reach the CEO's hands like I would have wanted.

I think if you really wanted to make a really crazy roller coaster that reflected a real person's life and struggle, I would think a heroin addict failing at rehab would be the best. Those are real ups and downs, side to sides, jerking corkscrews and high velocity speeds. Failing addicts have it the hardest. Think of all the crazy shit they have to deal with that would directly translate to a roller coaster perfectly. The shooting up part would obviously be the climb of the ride. Then there would be that inevitable downfall that would represent the guilt associated with lying to your family that you're not an addict anymore. Then it would jerk you to the side at painful break neck speeds because you just stole from your sweet grandma so you can pay for your next fix. Then you go for another climb because you're shooting up again. Then you have another downfall that is steeper and more insane because it represents the guilt of performing embarrassing sexual acts to get the next fix. Then you get jerked around some more because you punched some hobo in the face because he was looking at you funny. But the hobo ends up kicking your ass because you're too high to defend yourself. Then the ride suddenly stops because you had to get narcan from paramedics after you passed out in a McDonald's and shit your pants. Then the ride gets going again slowly and then you suddenly take your last drop with a series of corkscrews because you are going through crazy withdrawls. Before you know it you're back where you started and the ride has come to an end. A cold computer voice says "You are dead. You are dead. Please exit the ride to your right and have a nice day."

Yeah, that would be a real roller coaster.

The Curse of an Introvert

It's no secret that I'm very introverted. I often prefer to be alone in quiet areas. I prefer thought over talk. I prefer observation over impulsive action. I prefer quiet over stimulating. 

Looking back at my childhood, I've always been this way. I often didn't mind taking long walks by myself on the playground. I preferred being alone just to think. Some kids thought I was weird, or lonely or felt bad for me. I could never figure out why. I would always tell them I was fine but they wouldn't believe me. I would prefer to watch other people for a long time before I got involved in their conversations or play time. I had to know what was going instead blindly walking in and hoping for the best. I didn't have a lot of friends, but I preferred it that way. I only wanted a few close friends. I wanted plenty of alone time.

I find that many of these traits have carried on to my adult life. I like it this way. I get most of these traits from my dad's side of the family. My only saving grace is that my moms side of the family is the exact opposite. I have managed to carry a few of those traits when it suits me. When I'm with people I know, like and respect I create the illusion I'm extroverted. Thanks to my mom's side of the families genetics, I seem almost well-adjusted in most situations. 

But often, I find that I fall back into old habits of being quiet and observant around people I don't know. It's both a power and a curse. On the positive side, I like being observant and seeing things that most people don't notice. I like reflecting on my observations and learning from them. On the negative side, it's almost shameful being shy and quiet these days. People see you as weak or childish if you're not talkative. I often wish I was more talkative and brave around strangers. I wish I was a little more quick to act instead of having to analyze everything 50x. I wish sometimes I didn't always have the urge to be alone so often, even when my friends and family want to be around me. 

I'm a lot better at this whole loner, introvert thing. It suits me just fine. Sure, sometimes I wish I had better, friendlier traits. But I'm happier this way. I like being alone. I like thinking. I like writing. I like not feeling socially obligated to be friendly to every random jack-off I meet just to get to know them. 

Bleh, I feel so dirty talking about myself this much. It seems wrong.