Johnny Walker, MD?

I had a dream again. I was a doctor walking the halls of a seemingly never-ending hallway. The fluorescent lighting was nearly blinding as I passed unfamiliar faces. My white lab coat lightly drifted in the air as I kept pace. (I never really found wearing the white coat appealing, but I guess it was the only way my dream could let me know I was a doctor.....or a mad scientist. It wasn't terribly specific but the surrounding details made it seem as though I was a doctor)

Next thing I knew, I was shocking a patient with the old school paddles in a code. (I have yet to see those actually used) Finally, some familiar faces from work were surrounding me. The patient came back to life like they do in the TV shows. I walked out of the room and casually strode in to another patients room to sew a toe back on to a patient. It was like a movie without words. I was stern and silent. Nobody seemed to want to talk. (Maybe I was an asshole doctor)

Despite the oddities, it felt so natural. It felt as though, this is the way I've always done things. The power. The knowledge. As if nothing else ever mattered. Do you ever suddenly realize you're in a dream? It doesn't happen often, but this was one of those times. Usually when you realize it, it doesn't last much longer. It happened to me. I realized it was nothing more than a dream.

But why did it have to be just a dream? Why can't I make that a reality? That's the first question I asked myself when I had awoke. I looked around for a moment to gather my surroundings. My room suddenly felt confining. Why couldn't I be a doctor anyway? My personal hang-ups? Pride? Ethic? Why am I so incapable of being a doctor if all that's holding me back is me?

It feels like lately, I've been getting cosmic [coincidental] signs to be a doctor. In reality, I'm likely just eating the power of suggestion since the subject has been on my mind so often lately. Everyone has seemed to bring it up. My dad, who has been a huge proponent of me being a doctor from day one brought it up yesterday. I suddenly felt like I could do it. For real this time.

I have a million reasons to want to be a doctor. Yet I'm still afraid of failure as it feels impending rather than just optional. My ego's desires can't put away the thought of "John Walker, MD" or "Dr. Walker." My soft side can't put away the thoughts of doing good for the grateful and ungrateful alike. My intellectual side can't turn away from the challenge it presents with competition and stimulation. Yet my entire self cowers at the remote prospect of failure and that trying again would only lead to more hurt.

As each day passes, I feel like this is something more I want to do...........again. And yet, as each day passes, I feel like I might be wasting my time again.