Weather Amnesia

I'm not entirely sure why everyone is complaining about the weather here in Utah. It's like this EVERY year. It's as though everyone forgets that April is the rainiest month for this state. For a full month Utah turns into the state of Washington. It constantly rains and snows. Yet, I keep hearing the same complaints.

"It wasn't like this last year."

Oh yes. Yes it was.

And I'm going to take a wild guess and say it was like that the year before too. And the year before that. An almanac would prove me correct. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of this constantly wet weather either. I'm so ready for Spring and sunshine. As it snowed the other day, I couldn't help but think "Why can't it just be nice for 8 hours of a day? Just for one day off. That's all I ask." As it turns out, I've worked 98% of the nice sunny days and had days off when the weather was intensely shitty.



The other day I went to 18 bike shops in search of my future bicycle. I realized something very important about myself when it comes to starting a new hobby. I never do anything halfway. I do my research. I go to just about every shop, try every brand, and ask a ton of annoying questions. I can't wait to get my bike and start riding outdoors. I can't wait to start enjoying being outside without being grotesquely tired.


I also realize that in exactly one month I'll be in Idaho enjoying my Memorial Weekend Camping trip. I simply cannot wait for that to happen.

Another Sunny Day in Hell

I've been working entirely too much. But I've noticed a difference in working too much during the day versus working too much at night. I'm not as tired or angry. In fact working too much during the day is........manageable. It's still been a lot of work though. I'm exhausted and beyond burned out. I've been working 5-7 days a week for the past 5 weeks. A vacation is clearly in call for. A good long vacation. Fortunately, Memorial Weekend is just around the corner. The camping trip I look forward to every year is always a beacon of hope for me. I can reliably look forward to it at the same time every year. Last year's was a bit of a disappointment. I'm hoping this year will be better. Even if it's not better, it's still nice to be out with the family. It's nice to be out in the middle of no where. It's nice to be outdoors in nature. Just writing about it makes me excited already. The prospect of camping has never looked so beautiful.

What else have I been up to lately?........Hmmm......

Last week, my beloved expensive coffee maker died. Luckily I still kept the box and the receipt for just such an occasion. I could tell in the days leading up to it's demise that it wasn't working so well. It made weird sputtering sounds that oddly resembled the same sounds my Geo Metro made before it died. I wasn't sure what to do about the situation. Do I put it down like a dying horse? I had briefly considered taking it out to the desert and putting a bullet straight through the motor. Then I figured that would probably void the warranty. I'm pretty sure most retrun policies aren't ok with putting down a suffering machine with a bullet. They would much rather have it in tact. But thanks to my foresight, I was able to return it and get a new one that has thus far performed admirably.

The quest for a mountain bike still rages on. I've test ridden a ton of different models. Every time I ride on one, I realize how much I miss it. I'm very excited to get out and start riding again. I'm counting on the fact that I will enjoy it greatly. Plus it will help me stay in shape and thin. It's a winning combination. I'm still pretty set on getting an I-Pad as well. I would really love one of those. Though I'm doubting with all the other expenses I have waiting in line that the I-Pad will just have to wait it's turn.

That's about all I have for you as far as an update goes. Work. Work. Work........Bleh.

The Best 3 Letter Sentence To Wake Up To...

If you thought of the following the sentences:

"I love you"
"It's Christmas, Yay!"
"That was fun!"
"Time for vacation"

You are completely wrong if any those first came to mind.

I finally bought the coffee make that I've wanted so very badly. I had it specially programmed to get up and get ready to brew me some coffee at the same time my alarm went off. As I sleepily stumbled to the coffee maker I noticed the most wonderful words any one can witness in the morning:

"Ready to Brew"

(This is not an actual photo. The camera on my phone is broken. Now I'm forced to resort to google for relevant pictures for my blog.)

My heart melted a little. A coffee maker that wakes up with me........

Could this be love?

I think so.

(PS: This post makes it more obvious that my love for inanimate objects knows no bounds. Don't judge.)

When I Get Paid

Things on my list to get when I get paid for the first time in a month.

1.Haircut. I look ridiculous.
2. New work shoes. My old ones are falling apart.
3. A Keurig coffee maker.
4. A greesy sandwich.
5. Pay off all my debts.


Yes. In that exact order.

Inside My Head

Nobody really cares what you think, opinion-wise. However, getting inside someone's thought process can be exciting. Most people like knowing how others think and why.

Well, you're in for a treat! Here is a blog post specifically dedicated to my thought process!

Enjoy.

Scenario #1

Co-worker: Johnny?
  
My Thought: Leave me alone.

What I Actually Say: What can I do for you?

Co-worker: I'm feeling lazy. My patient just crapped the bed. Will you change them for me?

My Thought: Blow me. I quit.

What I Actually Say: Sure. I'll take care of it!



Scenario #2

Acquaintance: I always eat way healthy. The only reason why I gain weight is because my metabolism is so slow.

My Thought: Really? Are you sure it has nothing to do with that enormous cheeseburger in your hand? Or maybe even the 460 pounds of cow you consume weekly?

What I Actually Say: You should get your thyroid checked.





Scenario #3

Dumbass: Can I ask you a question?

My Thought: I hate talking to you.

What I Actually Say: Yeah, I'm all ears!

Dumbass: I already know I would be the greatest doctor ever but I just can't seem to pass English 0950. Do you still think I can make it to med school?

My Thought: Never. You're stupid and you smell funny..... Dumbass.

What I Actually Say: Anything is possible!

Dumbass: Yeah. Then I'll get to boss you around when I make it! Ha ha ha.

My Thought: I'll kill myself if that happens.

What I Actually Say: I'm tired of Winter. Good thing Summer is around the corner!




For those who might actually say "Ew, how fake," Please take a good hard look in the mirror. Everyone does this! You think one thing and say something else. Usually there is good reasons for it. You wouldn't tell your boss to fuck off. Instead you nod your head and do what you're told. You don't say mean things to people you like. You just bite your tongue and go along with it. Nobody ever actually says EVERY SINGLE THING on their mind. No one is that blunt. There is a name for people who are dumb enough to be that loud and blunt with their inner thoughts. I think that word is "unsuccessful." Or is it "homeless?" I can't remember.

Get the point?


Hope this was moderately funny.

My Baked Potato

This title has nothing to do with anything. 

With that said, I've been keeping busy with working again. I've picked up so many shifts that I may explode with anger for making such a dumb decision. But it's the right decision however. I'm broke. I have exactly 12 cents to my name right now. I have some serious catching up to do financially.

I don't get paid for another 8 days. Which totally sucks. All I want more than anything is a haircut. I look like a disheveled hippy. I thought about growing out my hair for the summer. Then I realized that I look better with short hair now that I'm skinny.

I guess I'll have to wait 8 more days until I can get my hair cut and looking decent again. More importantly, I will have to wait 8 days till I can have money and not worry about not being able to pay for things.



On that note, I realized that the general public sucks. Maybe it's just that I work in a shitty part of town, but some days I would just rather have a vasectomy with two rusty spoons (no anesthesia, of course) rather than dealing with the general public.

Ok maybe not that bad. But some people, I tell ya.........

Morning Report

I've been back to work for less than a week and already I can sense a general change in how I feel. Mornings have been a generally good influence on me. I haven't been as angry or tired as I thought I would be. In fact, I've been quite the opposite. Everyone has noticed I've been upbeat lately. Though I wonder if that's because my body is just happy to be on a regular schedule, or the vast amounts of coffee I drink to keep from feeling tired. Who knows.

But once thing is for certain, this has been a most positive change for me. I miss my graveyard amigos, but being awake during the day isn't so bad. The big thing I have to complain about is having to deal with daytime traffic. That sends me to the fast track to a deadly aneurysm. I have such bad road rage it's not even funny. But that's beside the point.

The point is, I feel better about..........everything. Maybe I only feel that way because this is new. Perhaps in the coming months I will be back where I started from and be angry all over again. But what if this is the change I need to help get my life back on track? Who knows. For now, I feel great about this.



Want to know the crazy thing? I was awake at 0730 today........and it was my day off! Crazy right? I never thought I would be one of those people. I've always been a night person. Going to bed early was always so impossible for me when I was much younger. Now it doesn't seem like such a chore. Now it just feels right to fall asleep at a reasonable time and be up at an early time to start my day.

Now That I'm Recieving a Steady Paycheck

My plans for purchasing certain items were temporarily put on hold for a month. I couldn't do anything to satisfy my need for vanity. There are too many cool things that I want. This directly conflicts with my real plans to save money and pay off my car loan.

But that's ok. I can daydream about things I badly want but don't necessarily "need."

First on my list is actually a tie between two very awesome items. It's a conflict between two opposing arch enemies. Apple vs Android. But they aren't in the same category necessarily. For my phone, I would love to have the new upcoming Motorola Droid Bionic. Apple failed to sell me with their I-Phone 4 and their rumored and elusive I-Phone 5 in June. Though, I would be lying if I said Apple hadn't successfully tempted me with their product at the very least. I waited for the Verizon I-Phone, only to be let down my negative reviews. In the interim, I had purchased a Motorola Droid X. I fell in love with the Android system. It took a little bit of winning over on their part, but they did it. I can't see myself going to an I-Phone anymore. However, in a hypocritical sense, I decided to wait for a Droid phone that more closely matched the I-Phone in specs and capability. Mainly, the front-facing camera. The Droid Bionic will be the answer to that need.

My other first place tie is an Apple I-Pad 2. Now I realize this is nothing more than an over-sized I-Phone/I-Pod touch. But it has the portability of a Mac and the cool factor of the I-Phone. Only difference is, I won't need to make calls. I can just use it for the reason why everyone gets an I-Phone. The apps and features. I can use it autonomously from my phone and still have the best of both worlds.

The other things I want I will just list off because I'm too lazy to go into detail on the rest. (I'm sure you're heartbroken not knowing my thought process on purchasing other expensive items.)

-Finishing my emergency/disaster kit
-New scope for my rifle
-Nice water bottle for running
-New electric drums
-Several new DVD seasons
-Paying off my car this year

I can only dream about the rest on my list. I have expensive tastes that can only be satiated by spending vast amounts of my hard earned money.

The Return to Working Society.

I'm back at work again! I worked a random night shift to supplement my income. It wasn't my first or favorite choice since it would throw off my sleep schedule. However, it was nice that my first day back in a month was a night shift. It was like seeing family you haven't seen in a long time. Everyone was happy to see me again. Everyone greeted me kindly and listened to my tales of horror about my certification nightmare. It wasn't awkward at all. It was as if I never left.

Although that feeling was nice, I couldn't help but feel that burned out sensation again. I felt it almost immediately when I had to push a hygienically unsound 450 lb. patient in a wheelchair to the far side of the hospital. I remember thinking, "I came back for this? Man, I need to finish school soon." It was a feeling I couldn't quite shake the rest of the time. I had an unplanned month-long probationary period which I hoped would help relieve some of the burn out. That maybe the cause of it was prolonged exposure with no break.

Nope.

It was because I disliked my job. I shouldn't complain. I'm happy to have a job doing something in a field that I love. But I realized no amount of time would relieve my burned out problem. I may have been able to escape for a little while but I could not escape how I have felt and will feel for a long time.

I guess I can take more positive from this than anything else. It's good to know I have a job again. It's good to know I work with awesome people who do give a shit. It's 10x more comforting to know that my inspiration to finish school in a timely manner has never been higher.

Even though I know I'm a few years away from finishing my degree, it doesn't seem as bad as it used to. For the first time ever, I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.



PS: Tomorrow will be my first day working an official, full time day shift in years. Wish me luck!

Back to Work

After being out of work for a month, I'm finally allowed to to return today. I'll be working a random graveyard, which I wasn't prepared for. But I needed the money. Any extra days at work I can pick up would just be super.

I'm somewhat worried about going back since I know I'll be a little rusty. Knowing my luck, everything will have changed. Oh well though. I'm happy to just be back and operating again. I'm sure when I'm super burned out again, I'll look back at this month long break and glorify it as the best thing that ever happened. I'll look back and think "That was great. No responsibility. Nothing to worry about except when I might want to wake up the next day. That was glorious." In reality, I haven't enjoyed this month long probation that much. It would have been nice if I had a ton of money, but I didn't. Instead, I stressed out every single day about whether or not I would get to keep my job.

I'm just happy to start making money again. I'll be so busy the next couple of months just making up for my drained savings account.

I'm somewhat not enthused about working a grave tonight. I've grown rather fond of having a regular sleep schedule lately. This will just mess it up for a day. But on the up-side, I'll get to work with my old graveyard amigos one last time. I'm sure it won't be the last. I can see myself picking up a grave or two here and there for the money. Just not often.

Back to work. Now it's time to stop whining about doing nothing and start getting back to my roots of complaining about my job.

Finally!

EMS Bureau finally recertified me. About freakin' time! Hopefully I can go back to work this week. I can make money and be a productive member of society.

A month long hiatus has been somewhat nice, but mostly stressful. I'm ready to go back to work. A lot of work. Working so much that I can make up for my lost savings account.

About damn time.

Crappy Neighborhood

With all my time off I've been taking walks around my neighborhood. It fills time, it's nice to get outside and it's a small form of exercise. I like it a lot. However, I've had a fear of stray dogs since I was a kid. It mostly has to do with the fact I was bit by a stray dog on three separate occasions within my neighborhood. It was nothing major. But it still sucked. As years went by, I got more frightened to walk around my neighborhood. I didn't want to get bit again. I would see stray dogs wander around all the time. I had been chased on numerous occasions running or on my bike since those times.

When I was older and able to drive, I would see more stray dogs. It didn't entice me to go out anymore. Fast forward to the present, I'm still scared to go out. But I started to think it wouldn't be so bad to go outside in my neighborhood. Maybe I was just paranoid about the amount of strays running around. So I started going on walks but only short distances. No strays thus far. As more days went on, the further and longer my walks got. No strays. But today changed it all. I ran into three of them. The first two left me alone. The third one was a pit bull that escaped from the leash of it's owner. It ran right towards me, hopped over a small fence and chased after me. This wasn't a friendly dog. It came a long way out of it's way running full speed. I remember thinking before I saw it coming "What else can possibly go wrong with me lately? Maybe my car can break down or my phone breaks? At least I haven't been chased on this long walk." As if on cue, like in a bad movie, I see the dog darting for me.

I turned the other way and walked calmly hoping it wasn't after me. But it sure was. It hopped over a small wood fence right next to me. That's when I ran full sprint. My phone falls out of my pocket as I run and hear it hit the sidewalk. Luckily, the dog's leash gets caught on the wood fence and keeps it from chasing me. I stand there for a minute, I could hear people call out for it. They drive up and put in the car. I wondered if they knew their dog had chased me up a hill at full sprint. I doubt they cared.

I picked up my phone off the sidewalk. It looked damaged but it worked ok, thankfully. I continued my walk to see the owner and their dog halfway down the street. Just stupid white trash. I've always said my neighborhood has gone downhill. I just never realized how much until I had to walk the streets like I used to. It's different to just drive down the street. You overlook details easily. I looked around and saw the neighborhood I grew up in, in shambles. White trash were everywhere. I drove around just to look afterwards. Why are there so many stray dogs? It's sad and negligent.

Bleh. So much for my walking times. They will definitely be shorter distances. I don't want to get bit or chased again because some loser can't take care of their dog properly.

Another "Too-Much-Free-Time-Related" Blog

I have run into a lot of old shows I used to watch as a kid. Most of them are just simply terrible. Some of them are just as good as I remember, but for the most part the 90's did nothing but produce crap as far as childrens entertainment went. Even the 80's weren't so hot at it, but they did a slightly better job.

I ran into that old TV show "Dinosaurs." In the 90's it's novelty was being cute and original. When I look at it now, its really stupid. It's more or less "Roseanne" only everyone has been replaced with dinosaurs. In case you forgot about this show, I will attempt to summarize it for you to jog your memory. It's about a family of dinosaurs that are portrayed as lower-middle class jerkoffs dealing with every day problems. The father dinosaur is nothing more than a corporate cog in a blue collar job while the rest of the characters are the typical 90's stereotypes. The mom is a doting, indifferent homemaker who frequently makes wise cracks at the dad dinosaurs laziness and/or stupidity. And the kids I can lump into one category of bratty bastards dealing with teenage problems.....but with attitude. That always seemed to be a 90's theme. "Attitude."


I found another old favorite called "Sonic the Hedgehog Adventures." Another awful creation. The game itself for Sega wasn't stellar. But I think that had more to do with it's weak product development. Sonic the hedgehog was the fastest creature in his universe. Which is stupid. Hedgehogs in real life are slow, prickly, lazy and smell bad. Believe me, my friend had one. It's a complete contradiction. If Sonic could be made popular maybe I'll brand my own character called "Captain Sloth: The hardest working, fastest and hygienically sound sloth of all time." Make sense? Nah. Anyway, coming off my rant there. The Sonic cartoon only seemed good as a kid because it was so rare. The local network only played it during the earliest of hours on Saturday morning. Around 0530 or 0600. You only caught it if you were up early enough. Rightfully so too. As I said, this cartoon sucked. The network was either too lazy or too cheap to plug infomercials until a good cartoon came on or didn't have the bright idea to replace it with a slightly less shitty cartoon.


That's all I feel like writing about terrible 90's television even though I could go on. I got plenty more ammo to go off of. But I won't. I'm tired. 

I wish I had the foresight to make terrible television and get paid obscene amounts of money for doing so.

That would rock.

Jobs I Could Do

Posting twice in a day? Sad, I know. But it speaks to the levels of free time I have and the levels of money I do not have. While the government takes their sweet time recertifying my EMT, I've been looking for new jobs to supplement my income. Just something temporary and generally meaningless to me.

I spent today going through online job postings to see if there is anything I could do or sneak my way into. A lot of the postings are ridiculous. Many seem too good to be true or obvious scams. But others, are just priceless.

I found a job as a shuttle driver. This seemed harmless. It seemed like an easy job I could do. Just drive a shuttle around for people. However, looking into this a little deeper I found it was a smut ferry. It was a shuttle job that took strippers and potential customers to and from the various Southern Exposure strip clubs. The ad also attempted to sweeten the deal by saying "driver will earn lots of tips!" I didn't have the heart to find out how a shuttle driver for strip clubs earns tips.

A lot of the sales job ads were utterly ridiculous. A lot of them promising to make over $2,000 a week. Bullshit. Others had specific requisites for their potential future staff such as "Only serious and motivated applicants." Other requisites included "Only people who are willing to make $39.99 an hour should apply." What a joke. Even if they were real jobs, I don't think I could do it. I couldn't sell people crap they don't need. Actually, I couldn't be a salesperson in general. Super lame.

I saw a lot of server positions. I could wait tables I guess. It wouldn't be the most terrible job in the world. A good temporary. I wouldn't have to wait for a check in order to quit. I could make some quick tips have a few bucks. It works out. But I've heard horror stories. I hear customers at restaurants are the worst kind of customers. It would be extremely hard for me to dole out vigilante justice to an asshole customer. You know, the usual forms of justice. Dick in the food. Horribly prepared. Etc, etc. But I think I could resist the urge somehow. Stay on a form of moral high ground. (I do have questionable morals so who knows how far that will get me.)

I would prefer something more vegetative. Somewhere I could sit and do the least amount possible while somehow managing to stay on the clock. Hmmmm. But those types of jobs either don't exist, or they are paradoxically highly competitive. I'm going stir crazy just sitting around the house. Going places without purpose. Plus I'm going even more mad not having any money. I'm tapped out. I've been out of work for a month. All my money is gone. All my savings used up like a cheap hooker.

Somebody, put me to work before I go insane! ...............


Or write another ridiculous blog. I'm going for a personal record with posts per month. Highest number of posts I've done in a month is 17, which was in March of 2008. It's a sad record to break. I just might do it if I don't get my job back or any job for that matter.

The Gym Isn't in the Cards

Cosmic forces working against my best intentions dictate that I cannot go to the gym this week. I was packed and ready to go for a swim today. But my flank pain won't go away. Maybe it's not a kidney stone after all since I still hurt. It's not as bad as yesterday. After drinking 7 liters of water I feel a little better. But the pain is still there. Knowing my luck it's probably just an infection in my kidney.

Super. Nothing more girly than a kidney infection.

I hope that this is some sort of crazy kidney abcess. I would seem like less of a pansy then. I have never had this type of pain before. I keep delaying going to a doctor thinking that if I drink enough water it will go away. Maybe stubbornness can beat this.

I'm counting on it.

So much for the gym.

Next week. I need to lose the rest of this stress weight I put on. Then everything will be gravy.

Kidney Stones and Clarity

I'm about 98% sure I'm having a kidney stone that seems bent on perforating my ureters. Why am I typing here then? Shouldn't I be doubled over? Well if I focus on something the pain doesn't seem as bad. It's nice to worry more about sentence structure and spelling rather than the intense pain in my side.

It all started earlier when I was about to go for a walk outside. I've been trying to walk around outside more often. I want more to do with the outdoors, the sun, and exercise. My dad needed help going grocery shopping to which I decided to tag along instead. With my new coffee mug as my sidekick, I ventured to an obscenely crowded Costco to purchase food and the like. I couldn't believe how crazy it was there. It was worse than the freeway during a snow storm. People cutting you off constantly, getting in the way, going too slow, too fast. I really just wanted to kick someones ass. As I was putting a bag of strawberries in the cart, I felt as though I got sucker punched in my kidneys 40 times. It was this intense aching pain. not stabbing like most stones. It was enough to take some breath from me. I hobbled along thinking it was a muscle strain or something. I was in denial. Within 5 minutes the pain got more intense. More tender to the touch. I couldn't stand up straight. Hurt too much. I'm not much for complaining about such things. I tend to just shrug it off or tough it out. I've had similar pains before but I haven't had anything like this before.

That's what I get for drinking so much damned coffee. It's not as bad now. The pain is lower than it was and the ibprofen I've taken has helped curve the pain. But it's still there. If I move too much, I certainly feel it. Now I can relate to future patients with stones. Now I don't have any diagnostic proof I have a stone. But given my symptoms, it's quite likely. Never again. Never again.

But with this pain, I've had the chance to just think. Thinking helps distort the pain. But with yesterday and everything else happening the way it has, I've felt more confident ind doing pre-med again. Perhaps it's easier to be confident when I'm not in school facing a full workload. But just laying here, being alone with that thought has made everything so clear.

Complete clarity. That's all I've wanted. Suddenly, it feels like this is where I should be. I've done my best to rule out pre-med, thinking I'm not qualified or smart enough to pursue it. I've looked into other fields of medicine and have even looked into fields outside of medicine. Yet, I keep coming back like a bad habit. This is it. I can see into my future and feel not so far away from it. It's scary, but not so bad because it feels right. Before, it felt right, but it didn't feel achievable. It didn't feel clear. It was so, smudged. So blurry. Clouded by fear of failure.

Well, that's it. My kidney's have decided that I should try to pee this thing out. So I will do just that. Wish me luck. I may need it.

Inspired Again!

I went to the Utah School of Medicine Bookstore to pick up a new manual blood pressure cuff for my dad. It was the only place open on a Saturday that I could get one on short notice.

I always seem to forget how much the Health Sciences building inspires me. So much goes on there. Under one roof medical, nursing and pharmacy students study in a beautiful and quiet building. So much knowledge here. I walked around the school of medicine unquestioned. I was a mere sponge being overwhelmed by the waterfalls of inspiration. I was trying to absorb all I could.

I've been here before and felt this same thing. But for the first time I asked myself "why can't I be here? Why shouldn't I be here? What's stopping me?"

There is no real reason why I can't be here as a student. The only thing that would hold me back is me. My fear of failure. But why? I think I can do it. If I just buckle down. I know I can be reasonably good at this if I tried. I want to try. I want to be there. Why can't I?

Well why not?

I almost hesitated walking through here. I was afraid to be overwhelmed. Built up only to be let down. I guess I feel more confident this time. I dont know why.

If I do this right I will end up here again as a student rather than a wide-eyed wannabe.

Look out health sciences building and school of medicine! I may just be back here to make good on my word.

Donate To My [Fake] Cause

It just so figures that right when I want or "need" the most things, it happens to be right when I'm out of a fucking job. There are so many things that are out that I want right now. It's not even fair. My savings have been drained to just a few dollars after spending it on minimal living costs and recertification processes. I'm half tempted to put jars in gas stations with a picture of my face on them asking for donations. Ideally, I would look disheveled and sad in the picture. The caption on the jar would read:

"Hello, my name is Johnny. I'm a Scorpio and I would like to travel the world. But sadly, I cannot. Because I was born without testicles. It's a rare disease called "sine masculini." Please donate generously so that I may one day afford convincing prosthetics for my condition. Help me get my self-confidence back by allowing me to feel like I have a pair again. Thank you and God bless."

I will have effectively hit every key demographic to contribute to my condition. The crazies who feel my astrological sign is in peril. The saps who are sorry I can't travel the world. The general male population who would almost certainly shed a man-tear at a kid just wanting a pair of balls. And the last part implying I might be religious and nice gets just about everyone else in Utah. They would all be powerless against my sad paragraph. I would never have to work again. I would be the scum of the earth relying on the money of well-intentioned people who just want to see a sad young adult get a pair of titanium balls. (I say titanium because that would be the only type of testicular prosthesis I would want. I think most men would agree.)

It's almost full-proof. I would eventually get caught, but the ride would be well worth it. It would be interesting to see if my logic would predict my demographic donations. And it would be just as interesting to see how many people would be willing to donate towards a testicular prosthesis impulsively based on a paragraph and picture at a 7-Eleven.

*Sigh*

I think it's obvious that I have way too much free time nowadays. It's gotten to the point that I almost have nothing to do, even though there is plenty for me to do. The things I have to do aren't very important or pressing so it doesn't matter that much. As I write this, it's 3:21 in the afternoon and I'm in pajama pants and my favorite trashy t-shirt. I woke up, showered, changed into my comfy pajama pants and shirt, watched the X-Files, and am now writing this blog. I really should find something to do. My room needs some cleaning. I've been putting that off. I can't go to to the gym. I'm too OCD to go during the week. I have to start at the beginning of the week or not go at all.

Hope all is well for you on the other side of the screen, gentle blog reader.

No Rest For The Weary

Even though all my stuff for recertification is done, I can't help but feel stressed. I don't think I'll stop feeling stressed until I can go back to work and safely reclaim my job.

This stress has eaten through me. I've gained 10 lbs the past two weeks. Bleh. I really let myself go. No watching what I eat. No going to the gym. Just stress eating. Pure indulgence of my favorite fatty foods. I guess I never realized how much my work provides a set schedule for me to follow. It was easy for me to eat right and work out when I could base it all off when I worked. It was easier to plan a schedule around that since that's where I spend half of my week.

It's been weird being away for 2 weeks. I haven't missed the place that much. I haven't missed it at all, actually. It's been nice to just be home. Have my day all to myself. It's a shame I will have to wait another 40 years to experience this all over again without feeling lazy. Retirement can't come soon enough. I used to think I was a busy body type person. Keeping busy because I needed to. Now that I haven't had to work, I realize how nice it would be to work less. Live life more.

But if only. School isn't cheap. Nor is anything else anymore. Like it or not, I need the job to fund school so I can have a more satisfying sense of work. I haven't missed the work I do one bit. Taking orders. Cleaning messes from coworkers. Dealing with assholes. I miss the golden aspects of the job like hands on patient care. But I haven't felt like I've done real patient care in forever. I think I'm more stressed out that I'm out of money. I spent my savings on recertification crap and other bills. The only way to get more is to go back to work. Not because I love the job. But to put me back on track financially. So I don't have to stress about not having money or running out.




The real reason why I'm writing this blog:
To keep myself from going to the gym. I'm stalling big time. I know I need to go and start eating healthy again. But I can't seem to want to do it right now. Maybe it's the time change. Maybe I'm falling back into my old ways. I really don't want to go to the gym today. So maybe I won't. Maybe I'll go tomorrow when I wake up on time and don't feel like I'm jet-lagged. That sounds like a better plan. Then I can start not being lazy.

I hope more than anything I can go back to work soon. I hate being stressed about money. I hate being poor.

Sandwiches

Oh delicious sandwiches. I owe you so much. How can I possibly repay you? Write a blog about how you have positively affected my life?

Not good enough.

But it will just have to do.

Groves Deli, you are my number one sandwich

Your bread, fresh meats and vegetables create the illusion that it's healthy to eat a sandwich the size of my head. For that I can never stop thanking you.

My next sandwich contender would be The Philadelphian. It's a little shithole restaurant in Sandy. I really mean shithole. It's a dirty hole in the wall place. In fact, if you have never been there, it would be in your best interest to go in blindfolded. That way you don't have to see the horrid place by which your delicious food is made.

I actually started getting chest pain BEFORE I ate this. But it was so good. So worth it.


That is all I can write about regarding sandwiches.

Enjoy.

What Am I Thinking?

That question has ran across my mind numerous times this week

" What the [put desired bad word here] am I thinking?"

I want nothing more than to be stable. Have one course of thought that has a beginning and an end. Maybe the stress I've gone through lately has been rotting out my brain. There is so much I want out of life. So much I want to do. So much I want to prove. So much I have to prove.

One minute I'm pre-med bound and another, I'm dead set on paramedic school for reasons that I don't understand.

Something triggers one or the other. One minute, I feel the need to prove that I can be a doctor. I talk with my good friends or see someone I need to catch up to and suddenly; I'm set on pre-med. Another minute I'm doing an EMT continuing education module and thinking I should be a paramedic for some reason. The thing that kills me is that I don't even have a good reason to go to paramedic school. It would be a waste of time and money. I have better reasons to go to med school than paramedic school.





I've also decided that I want an I-pad 2. Pretty bad actually. I predict by April, I shall have one.

Or will I?

A Lot to Learn This Year

So I've been looking up things to occupy my time while I wait to go to school again in the Fall. I've mostly been looking at extra-curricular type skills to learn. There is so much I want to do and so little time! It's not even fair. If I didn't have to go to school I would just pursue these things on a more full time basis.

Here is my list of things I wish to learn this year.

-Tactical EMS Course
-Wilderness Medicine EMT/Advanced Wilderness Life Support
-Advanced Trauma Life Support
-Advanced Airway Management
-Bass Guitar Lessons
-Brazilian Ju Jitsu
-Weight Lifting Course
-Amateur Astronomy Course

Ah, so much to learn! I want it all. The first 4 I should be able to do. But the last 4 will be a tad bit more difficult since they are more than a one time course. I'm hoping to do the Ju Jitsu and weight training during the fall semester.

So here's to being knowledgeable!

Thank Eff-ing Crap! Things Are Going to Work Out After All!

Phew! I've had way too many hurdles to jump over these past 2 weeks. It's been one road block after the other. Thankfully, it seems like it's all going to fall in line. I can finally get some crap recertified, return to work, and make money again.

In a way it's been nice to not have to work lately. In a way, it's been like I have been working anyway. It's just one stress replaced by another. It's been a real challenge battling this obstacle. But I'm glad it's practically over with. All I have to do now is pass one more test, one more hurdle.

I'm so excited to finally put this all behind me that I just might pee my pants.

True story.

Mornings

It's been a long week of attempting to adjust to the day schedule. I've never been much of a morning person. I'm always slow to get out of bed, and I'm generally grumpy. I don't feel much different switching to this type of schedule. It's not bad but it's not good either. In some ways, I miss my unique night schedule. In other ways, it's nice to be awake while everyone else is. I'm not going out of my way to be awake at a normal time. Things get done.

The only real positive thing I can put towards mornings is breakfast. I love breakfast foods. I love pastries in the morning. Coffee. Cookies. Donuts. Streusal cake. Pancakes. French toast. Cereal. Anything. As long as it goes with a cup of coffee, the world is amazing. I have a soft spot for pastries and coffee. I'm weak and defenseless against coffee cake. Nothing I can do about it. Completely helpless.

The ideal woman would actually be made out of coffee cake or some delicious pastry. A coffee cake woman would be fantastic. No pressure to be a boyfriend. All  you need is a cup of coffee, a fork and knife, and love. She wouldn't talk. She wouldn't move. All because there is no such thing as a living entity made of delicious coffee cake. Bonus. Ah yes. That would be love. A coffee cake woman.

Learned Something New About Myself

I've had to do CME's to renew my EMT-B (Long story) I've had to participate in a variety of classes to this. As I've looked around the class, I realized I didn't fit in. I wasn't like the rest of the people in the class, or at least that's what it felt like. Many of these people wanted to go on to be a firefighter, police officer or just work as an EMT. Other people should just not be allowed to take care of others. They are simply too dim to even have the ability to medically treat injured or sick citizens.

My point to all this is that I wanted to be better than this. That I wanted more for myself. I didn't just want skills with watered down basic knowledge. I didn't just want a piece. I wanted the whole thing. Advanced skills, advanced knowledge. A deeper understanding of medicine. To be in charge and fix things. Not temporarily fix things or comfort. The people in those classes are generally good people and are right for the jobs. But I couldn't do it for a lifetime. A career. I know I've jumped to similar points. But this just reinforces it. I would never be happy as a paramedic. I would need more than what was handed to me.

Since I've been off work for a while and have just been attending classes full time, I realized more than ever I would be happier doing full time school. This insane stress has been a blessing in disguise in a way. Bringing to light more pieces of myself than I thought possible.

No Mustache March This Year

That's right. The title says it all.

Please refer to my mustache blog that is conveniently located on the right side of the screen for more details.


"A man without a mustache is like a cup of tea without sugar"
         -English Proverb

Temporary Hiatus

Sorry for the temporary closure of the blog. I had to shut it down because of the suspiciously high amount of hits on google searching my name and city. I thought it was odd and put the blog on lockdown to see if it would stop, which it did. Odd?

Well my blog is back in business.

Woot?

So I will leave you with a quote from my dad this morning:

"Life tends to fuck you at every turn. Least you can get out of life is a decent cup of coffee."

Probably some of the most sagely wisdom to have ever been bestowed by my father recently.

Cars I Want

I have always had a taste for the finer things in life. I have always wanted the best. The most up-to-date. If I try hard enough, I get it.

Lately, my mind has been towards getting a new vehicle. I've debated selling my current car to get this car. But it would make more sense for me to keep this current car with gas prices being the way they are. So without further stalling with a long-winded introductions, my list of cars I wish to have:

A Jeep Wrangler Rubicon is at the top of my list for cars that I badly want. It would be so much fun to have one of these. So much fun, it ought to be illegal. Maybe one day, I will. But soon? Probably not.

A Dodge Challenger. This is is one of those cars where I could realistically have an unplanned orgasm every time I got into the drivers seat of this car. This car embodies the definitions of "manly," "orgasmic" and yes, even "homewrecker."

A Nissan Xterra. Realistically, this is the car I should own. Good horsepower. Good offroading capabilities (but shitty gas mileage.) However, when I look into my future, I someday see a family. A family that would need a decent car. Although a Wrangler or a Challenger would suit my needs perfectly, a potential life with children would not be easy with those cars. This would fit everything I would need for a while.


Did I just mention something about kids and a family? Yes. But don't worry, that won't happen for a while still. Me a dad? Scary I know. But I have found myself somewhat excited to have a kid some day. The challenge. The fun. Kids scare the crap out of me though. I've never been great with kids because of my lack of experience with them. Most of my experience comes from work, which mostly entails torturing kids with IV's, shots and catheters. Not a great place to start. But eh, I'll give it my best when the day comes. Once again, that's years away.

And don't worry, the baby in the picture isn't some sort of long lost son sprung on me at work by an angry mother and attorneys. This picture was from about a year ago. A couple of nurses wanted to see my struggle with dealing with a baby. They thought it was funny. I was quite uncomfortable.

Metaphors and Medicine

It's the sight that can't be unseen.
It's the sound that can't be unheard.
It's the pin that can't be put back in the grenade.
It's the bell that can't be unrung.
It's the ripple that can't be stopped.
A wind that can't be resisted.
A sensation that can't be unfelt.

Medicine.

I can't get rid of you. Nor do I want to. Though, I have tried. I can't make sense of everything that happens. But I know that medicine is what I'm meant to do. (I do mean that in a poetic fashion, not a cosmic calling kind of way.) From the day I walked into a hospital, I couldn't get enough. I had to have more. The profession scares me in a way. The responsibility. The hard work. The pressure. But there is nothing else that I would be happy doing with my life.

I looked into law enforcement and saw no future for myself there. I feared death. I feared risking my life for nothing. I feared intense anger that I would accrue dealing with scum and douchebags daily. I feared being poor and burnt out. I highly respect police officers to the fullest extent. Even if I am the one getting ticketed for something I did. I've met so many good men and women on various police forces. In a way, I wish I could be them. I wish I could be that brave. I wish I could be strong. I wish I could make the difference they do. But when it comes down to it, I'm too scared. I'm not a fighter. I don't crave that type of adrenaline. I don't want to deal with people who would have no problem taking my life in the name of drugs, gangs, and rebellion even if my intentions for the community were good. I'm not the one to be helping solve these types of problems. There are better people for the job. I better step down and let the ones who really want to do the job, do the job.

I even looked into paramedic. It has the skills involved I like, but too little information. Plus I would have to be a firefighter. I have a high respect for our EMS/firefighter staff. I couldn't do it though. It wouldn't be enough. It wouldn't be enough. I wouldn't want to be a firefighter anyway. Doesn't interest me in the least. Never much cared for it. To be the paramedic running the action, you have to be a firefighter. It's pretty weak. Even if I had the option of being a paramedic in the middle of the action, without having to be a firefighter, I still don't think I could do it. It couldn't satisfy my needs to be intelligent and know everything I possibly can.

I recently talked with a DO student at Park City. He was really cool. He was patient and nice enough to answer all my questions. Most of all, he inspired me. He was personable enough that he didn't seem so far above me. He wasn't some smart med student. He was just some guy who decided to do it and then did it. Even though he was older, it didn't stop him from doing it. Age wasn't a factor. All he wanted to do was help people. His interaction with patients was somewhat rough around the edges, but he cared. He learned. He acted. It was as if I could see myself in his position in the not too distant future. That if he could do it, I could do it. That even if I was older than most traditional students that it wasn't impossible to achieve my goals. I felt this spark rekindle inside of me. This desire to be somebody. This dormant motivation that has left me for so long. Feelings of passion that I thought I had lost started to surface. I could really do this. I really could do this. I don't have to do this anymore for other people. I have to do it all for myself first, everyone else second.

Another source of inspiration came from somewhere else. Someone who was a wannabe. A fake. A douche. Fucking pathetic to put it bluntly. Someone who worked 5 days a week at a similar job but acted omnipotent. Someone who lived their life in the shoes of other people who dared to achieve their dreams and degrees. Someone who thought they were in the same boat as those who had achieved. Someone whose life was based solely on staying put in a mediocre living. I saw myself a little in this person. Not a lot, but enough that it scared the holy shit out of me. Is this the road I could be headed down? Just a different personality with a similar mindset? Am I doomed to this delusional life of mediocrity heavily coated with delusion? I was scared. Suddenly I realized that if I wasn't careful, I would become too much like this person. I could be the next douchebag acting all-knowing. I could be the next asswipe trying to be happy with a mediocre living, taking orders and shit from people you try so hard to emulate. I won't be happy with this life. I won't accept it.

It doesn't help that I'm burned out as can be with my job. This serves as somewhat of a counterweight to my inspiration and motivation. Taking shit from lazy co-workers and shittier patients tends to wear on you just a little. It weighs on me heavier on some days more than others. But I can't let it get to me. Not when I feel so energized to move on. Not when I havesome spirit left to fight with. I have to tap into my reserves and start kicking some ass. It's not only time for change, but it's time to start living instead of moping.

I'm going to win. I may have to work harder than I ever have. But I'm going to do this. For myself. For my dad. For my family. For all those who believed I could do this in the first place. I can't let myself down anymore. I can't let everyone else down by spinning my wheels and getting older (and fatter) My youth is wasting away. It's not apparent now, but I feel it more and more with each passing year.

Time to grow up and be an adult (sort of) and be the man I've always wanted to be.

Thought It Through A Little More

The law enforcement career choice kept creeping up yesterday. So as I was babysitting psych patients, I did a lot more research online. The first thing I looked up was cop mortality rates. Followed by burnout, personal life and psych disorders. The statistics were less than compelling. But were they compelling? I knew the answers would be bad. I kind of wanted them to be bad deep inside. I talk to a couple of the police officers I work with in the ER. They both had positive things to say about the job. But in the back of my mind I came back to one thing. I'm too scared to be a cop. I'm too scared to be in that kind of danger. I fear death without meaning. I have no illusions about how small of a guy I am. If I run into some shitty dude who thinks he can take me, he probably can. Most of the assault and mortality rates of cops had to do with ambush. It made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't face that danger. Not being my size. Wouldn't matter how much muscle I put on or training. It would always be a detriment. I know plenty of women who work as cops. Most of them are feisty enough to kick my ass even. I kept thinking about options within the force. SWAT. Homicide. Detective work. Maybe even FBI. Anything. But I still couldn't bring myself to it.

I kept on thinking about how burned out I would be. How the stress would always be with me inside of work and outside. I don't want to take my work with me. Also the intellectual challenge would be little. Nothing new to learn. Even if I was a paramedic too, my role would be little. No intellectually stimulating challenges. I would miss that.

I realized that the option would be the short track. The fast route. I realized that I would burn out fast. Way fast. By the time I burned out, I would be too old to go to school to do something better. I would be stuck. Although it would be a good a career it would be lousy living. My future family life would be affected by my work forever. I couldn't do that. The fast track tells me that my attraction to it is the power to do something right. But it also tells me that it's only a temporary infatuation since I had never considered it in the past as a career. It hasn't been a particular interest of mine ever. I realized that the infatuation with the job had more to do with the excitement my job now lacked. It was the excitement that would give my life a real shot in the arm. A shot I would badly need. But the satisfaction would be temporary. The practical usefulness would be novel but would lose it's appeal. It's not enough of what I want. It's only a portion of what I want and need. But I need to let other people who strongly desire that job to do it. I would be taking up space.

Medicine is my calling. If only I wasn't so scared to keep moving towards the light that I've been so attracted to. I'm like a moth following the sun. The source of light I constantly crave and chase, yet I'm too far away to catch it. I was reminded how much I loved medicine when watching a surgeon cut an abcess. She is an amazing surgeon. I watched her take control of the situation and keep a cool head. I loved that. I wanted that. To be in that position. To be in charge medically. To be a doctor. To know. To be smart. Yes, it all made sense again. I wanted to be the one keeping a cool head during a code, not during a shooting. When I looked in the mirror I couldn't imagine myself with a uniform and police gear. I saw more of a white coat and a stethoscope. I didn't see me taking down criminals in the heat of impulse to save my life and others. I saw me saving a life with knowledge. This is where I needed to be. It was always my place to be here.

I will still research law enforcement. Just to cover my bases. But I'm sure that my interest is just a fleeting moment. Following a shortcut with fast benefits but long term regret. Life is making sense again.

Sorry I doubted you medicine, my closet lover.

Split Personality When Tired

I'm not as tired as I was yesterday when I didn't sleep for 32 hours for no good reason. I'm tired now but I doubt I'll be awake for marathon hours again. I'm so strange when I'm tired. Of course, I exhibit all the sleep deprivation symptoms such as paranoia, irritable, lack of full cognizance, etc. I'm very impulsive when tired. I'm a completely different person......

Or is that who I really am deep inside. Beneath the shell. It's like a mask comes of when I'm tired. So realistic. So brash and full of ideas. More critical and realistic than usual. The filter is gone. In my tired states I find myself going back to the same concepts for my future. That long term school might be impossible for me. I get ideas to be a paramedic or a cop. Or even both. The practicality seems so awesome to be a healer and a protector. It's practical in every day life. Then I realize how ridiculous that is. I would get my ass kicked as a cop. I would be unhappy as a paramedic. People burn out hard as it is being a paramedic. The burn out is just as high if not higher in cops. I couldn't imagine working both. I would burn out so quick. In my tired stupor however, the jobs seem like the excitement and challenge I need. When I'm awake, I realize I could never do it. I would be missing the intellectual challenge. I would be missing everything about what I wanted to be. Intelligent. Not to say paramedics or cops are not intelligent people. But I want to be academic intelligent. I want to be useful and pertinent in that way. In a way, I would feel like the dumbest one of my friends. In some ways, I would feel like I would be helping society in a badly needed way. I would miss the hospital too much. The intellectual stimulation of smart men and women.

I guess the paramedic and cop options give me the fast track option. Low amount of school. On to a career. Helping people. But low pay and high burn out. As I get older, it seems appealing to just do something like that. Too old for long term school. I missed my window. Is that the impulsive tired side? The repressed logical side, the truth? Or my cowardly side desperately seeking a way out of this rut? 

I don't know where I get these ideas. I'm super crazy when tired. Healer by day. Protector by night. Sounds ridiculous. Maybe I can also open up a business that helps solve mysteries and supplies first aid. I would hit the trifecta of jobs. Medical. Law. Business. Or maybe I can be a hippie by day or a mild mannered security guard by night with odd little ticks. I really gotta keep up on this whole sleep thing. I really start to lose it in these states of mind.

Stay tuned. Maybe I'll make a solid decision on life........ Or keep whining about it.

(I would bet on "whining about it.)

Bad Food and Nights Don't Mix

I have eaten so terribly the past couple of days. I'm practically near comatose because of it. Valentines Day at work was full of junk food. Cookies, Donuts, baked potatoes. You might be tempted to think, "Baked potatoes? Junk food? I thought baked potatoes were good for you." Under the right circumstances this logic is sound. However, my baked potato was a health hazard. It was smothered in butter, sour cream, cheese and chili. All those things put together = shit-fest. There is nothing healthy about a baked potato smothered in those condiments. It's like the people who get a triple cheeseburger at a restaurant and then order a diet coke to "even things out." Who are we fooling? So basically Valentines day I was stuffed with junk food. I then resolved to be better for the rest of the week.

My resolve wasn't as strong as I had previously hoped. A friend of mine was going through a tough time last night. So I said "Let's go to Denny's and grab some coffee and talk about it." I didn't stop to think that Denny's never fails to deliver a stomach ache followed by explosive diarrhea. I ate super shitty food then too. I tried to rationalize it by saying "It's ok. It was an occasion where a friend was in need. It's ok to eat crappy today." Well now I'm bloated to the brim and my stomach has certainly been showing the symptoms of "Denny's Poisoning". Surprisingly the AMA hasn't recognized that as a medical diagnosis. So many people have gotten Denny's Poisoning on many occasions. It's practically a pandemic! Denny's are everywhere!

I blame the late nights. It's easier to eat shitty late at night for some reason. Don't know why.

Seriously, I'm going to eat better this week.

For reals.

Knowledge is Power

I have always been a firm believer of that saying. I have always believed that a higher education is the only way to get any where in life. It was the way I was raised. But I never actually thought too much into the actual saying itself and how much it really means.

Today I realized a very important aspect about myself that I has helped clear up so many things.

Power.

It corrupts. It unites. It leads. It destroys. For better or worse, power is what makes the world go round.

I realized something that I have always wanted and striven for is power.

Now don't that take out of context or negatively. I don't mean power as in the superficial type of power. Importance. Getting off on telling others what to do. Superiority.

I mean the type of power of just...knowing. Knowing what to do. Not feeling so powerless or helpless to solve a problem or change a negative situation into a better one. This seems like an obvious conclusion, but hear me out on how I got to this.

Today at work, I helped deliver a baby in the ambulance bay. Keyword=helped. Obviously I don't have the degree or experience to deliver a baby. But I hated just helping. I hated not knowing EXACTLY what to do. It felt like it was out of my control. I wanted to know what was going on. I wanted to be the one running the show, knowing what to do, making a situation better. Fixing a problem. Now this didn't dawn on me until after I started driving home. I started to think how powerless I felt. How my knowledge was so limited. Not just on delivering babies, but on everything I know and love about medicine. I also realized this training a new tech at work. This person is really cool but has no medical experience. So explaining everything to this person was lengthy. It made me realize how much I knew, and yet how little at the same time. It seemed like a lot to know considering half of it isn't relevant to my job. I went out of my way to learn it. But repeating my knowledge back to somebody made it sound like it was a lot of knowledge on my part. In reality, it's the tip of the iceberg. It's a drop of water in the ocean to the information that is actually out there on medicine. It made me realize that in the grand scheme of things, my part was little and would stay that way for as long as I played that role.

I've jumped to similar conclusions before about knowing what to do. Simple answer, it's power. It's the power to change and control my surroundings. A problem that I want to fix and have the knowledge and power to do something about. A patient is someone who was a problem that needs to be solved. I want to solve that problem. Not help solve it. I want to control that situation and make it better to the best of my abilities. I want to have the power to make it better. To fix. Not hand tools or suggestions based on limited knowledge. I want to know it all and apply it. Not know some of it and deal with it.

I also realized this recently while briefly thinking about law enforcement. It's been a minor interest of mine the past year or two. It's not the authority I like. It's the power to change a situation. There are bad people out there and I like the idea of having the power to do something about it. To catch criminals. To make the world safer. To have the power to help a community and make the world a better place. Being a cop would be cool, but I have no illusions about how tall I am not. How unintimidating I look. How hard it would be for me to defend myself in close-quarters fighting. I know realistically I could never do it and know I would burn out fast. But the power to do something positive and be in a position to change my surroundings for the better is appealing. Though I would never do it.

I tied it all together driving home today. Why law enforcement seemed appealing and why being a doctor is appealing. It's the power knowing what to do and how to do it. The questions wouldn't deal with lack of training, but lack of specialty. I would still have answers of what to do to fix a problem for a person. I don't care for telling people what to do, or superiority. It's simply the power to control my surroundings, know what to do. Not be so left in the dark or only be a cog in the machine.

I can't drive the point home enough. I know, I get it. It's power. It's not totally different from the negative aspects of power. But I think if I were attracted to true power, superiority, superficial titles, controlling people, I would think I would be attracted to politics or military. But I'm not. I don't like either of those things. I don't want that type of power because rarely are positive things achieved in those aspects (in my opinion). It's not that I don't believe our system doesn't work, but it's power with little knowledge. Politicians make decisions based on opinion and bias. I hate that.

I know there are gaps in the logic somewhat. But I really feel that this is a turning point for me. That I seek a type of power that is meaningful to me and helpful for others. That my want for power isn't based on ego reasons but for better reasons. I feel inspired again to be a doctor. I would have the knowledge to help. It seems obvious, but the power of knowledge has been what I've always wanted.

Morning Person

Yep, it's official. Starting the 2nd week of March I will be a morning person. My schedule will be a little goofy which kind of sucks. It won't be the straight three in a row that I'm used to. But oh well. I guess I'll survive. My proposed schedule was unfortunately shot down. I really wanted a secondary swing shift to fall back on. I would have preferred that than waking up grotesquely early every day, every week. If I had just a little bit more hours to work with, it wouldn't have been so bad.

I'm in math, I should be paying attention. But my teacher is pretty much just blabbering on about nothing that pertains to the class.

*Sigh*

I need a nap.

Update On My Shit

It's been a generally good couple of weeks. I've gotten so much accomplished lately. But what shall I start with?

School has been crazy. I'm only taking an accelerated math course that is pretty much kicking my ass in the worst way. (As opposed to get my ass kicked in the best way?) Math is my worst all time subject. Thankfully this accelerated course only goes to the 19th of this month. After it's done, I can go back to a normal 3 in a row schedule at work. I'm not sure if I'll be done for the semester or not after that class. I might take another accelerated class to fill in the other half of my semester. But I'm quite undecided on that. I've been feeling more inspired lately to pursue medicine, but I'm not sure if those moments are fleeting or not.

Work has been ok. Which is good I guess. Nothing particularly shitty to complain about. I do know for sure that I need a vacation. A long one. Somewhere. Anywhere. I just need a week off to relax and forget about everything for a while. But I think I can hold out a little bit longer. I feel like night shifts are starting to get old and wear on me much more lately. It's as if they have taken a lot out of my life. I have considered going to dreadful mornings next schedule. Maybe I can start having a life again. Maybe lose the dark bags under my eyes and some sleep-related stress. I'm not much of a morning person at all. In fact, I'm a terrible morning person. I'm a grumpy asshole and don't wake up easily. But I've been craving to see the sun and be on a regular schedule lately. I've concocted a plan to hopefully implement some swing shifts at my work so maybe I won't have to wake up so early if I have to start doing earlier shifts. I doubt it will work since the budget is in a complete mess. But it's worth a shot. Plus I hate working graves at my normal job then going to my PRN job, tired and incapable of doing simple tasks correctly. I feel like an out of place dumbass. I don't think this will solve all my problems. But maybe a more normal schedule will help me stabilize some.

Other miscellaneous crap has been going on. I fixed my back tail light on my car. That has been awesome. I hated driving around without a tail light. I was so afraid of getting pulled over all the time. I got new tires for it, cleaned out the inside, got an expensive oil change with a bunch of other fluid changes. All I have to do now is replace my windshield and my car will drive like it's brand new. It's been accomplishing fixing my car. It really needed it. I really needed to do it instead of putting it off.

I recently bought a brand new TV which I love dearly. It's nice and large flat screen that beats the crap out of my old TV which was a heavy dinosaur. Weighed easily 150 lbs. The pictures is amazing. Plus it's forced me to reorganize my room which makes it look so much nicer and roomier. (Posting this very fact is probably setting me up to get robbed.) I've also been trying to put in more effort to hang out with my friends more often. I have missed them a lot. Their company. How I don't feel so out of place in the world when I'm with them. It's nice to talk to people who are generally like-minded. I guess I have missed having my own personal social life. Recently I went to Groves Market and got a massive sandwich with some good friends. So freaking good! It was nice just to be out despite my lack of sleep.

I was going to post the picture of the sandwich on here, but I figured I probably shouldn't. Seems pointless. I figure a picture of a sandwich isn't going to do much to entice anyone to read this crap any more than usual. While my car was getting fixed, I got to drive a rental car which turned out to be a sweet Dodge Charger. Apparently muscle cars ignite my loins in vaguely creepy ways that I'm not ready to understand yet. Well, not really. But the point is, I enjoyed driving a sweet brand new car that was super fast and huge! It has reignited my interest in wanting a new car like a Jeep Wrangler or something. But I've decided that I will pay off my Nissan first so I can keep it around. It's been an awesome car and would make a great back up. But of course, with my recent bouts of inspiration, it seems I find inspiration to do just about everything. Even as I type this in the hospital cafeteria, I passed by an ad to rent out a condo. It renewed my interest to move out, stop looking like such a fucking bum loser. I'm practically a quarter of a century old. But I can't really afford to live by myself like I would want. No roommates. Just me. That would be sweet. But just like the car, moving out probably won't happen any time soon. But oh well. One step at a time. I get ahead of myself sometimes. I have got to stop doing that.

Hmmmmmmm

What other pointless chatter can I fill in this ongoing void here?

I think that just about covers it. I'll try to post more pictures on here but it's not looking too likely. I don't have much to take pictures of really. Most of my inane rants don't require photo documentation. But still, I'll try. I'm sure like a child's book, this blog is easier to read if there is pictures. So I will work on that.

Stay classy and thanks for stopping by.

Oh, Febrero!

So don't worry, folks. I didn't forget about writing in this thing. Far from it actually. I have so much to write about. I've got a lot of ground to cover. But I'll save that for another posting that will bore you till your eyes bleed and/or melt.

No exaggeration.

Lately, I've felt emotionally stronger. Despite my lack of sleep some days, I've had to face some truths that I think will force me to do what I expect from myself. I've really thought about cutting back on work by fall. Going part time perhaps. Also, I'm thinking about switching to a normal schedule. Maybe starting on morning shifts for once. I hate mornings with all the fibers of my being. But if it means me seeing the sun more often and perhaps being more happy, then why not? But first I'll try to skip around mornings by trying to set up 12 hour swings instead of 8 hour ones. That will save me so much effort if I can manage it.

After seeing so many people pass me up lately, it has inspired me to move on before I go crazy. I have to concentrate on school. I don't want to be life-time tech. I think what it all comes down to that moving on has always been on me. I have to want it for myself first which is something I have always been conflicted on. What do I want?

But that's not important at this moment. I feel good. I've lost a lot of weight. I'm fit. In shape for the first time in 6 years. I mean really in shape. The best shape I have ever been in. I might even say in better shape then I was in high school. Kick ass, right?

Oh, and I've been watching this show called Dexter lately. Kick ass show. At first I resisted it. I watched a couple of episodes and was less then impressed. A couple years later, I watch it and suddenly it's the coolest thing ever.

Woot.

I know this is a lame post. But be patient. Soon a moment of peace and boredom will strike me just right and I will write again soon with all the good stuff lately. I think that's fair.

I like how I write this as if I'm talking to hundreds of readers. I'm probably talking to two, maybe three people now actually. But that's ok. I enjoy this audience style writing for some reason.

Sleep Evades Me

Wow. I totally can't sleep right now. I would love nothing more than to sleep and enjoy a full mornings slumber. But unfortunately my body is all sorts of thrown off lately. I was sick with a nasty cold the past couple of weeks (which I have recently learned was more likely the H3 flu). During that time, I was popping Dayquil and Nyquil like it was Trailmix. Although it fought off my symptoms poorly for short amounts of time, it was all I had to combat the virus.The Dayquil wasn't so bad. It didn't do much to affect me adversely. At best, it provided me a slightly better quality of life. However, Nyquil controlled my sleep. It was the green, gel-capsuled sandman. I fell asleep, got great quality of sleep, woke up groggy as all hell, and repeated for 2 weeks. Now that I have to attempt to sleep without my precious over the counter drugs, my body is now suffering. Sleep has been a bit of a struggle lately.

But don't worry, I imagine that I will soon be back my regular backward sleeping schedule in no time. And now that I'm over this cold, I can return to the gym with vague hopes of toning up my scrawny body. With this whole "healthy phase" that I've been in lately, I've told myself to be more open to new activities to get into shape. This will also help me with better lifestyle changes physically and socially. I've decided that I would like to purchase a decent bike a little before summer so I can ride around. I miss riding a bike places. Maybe I can try some novice trails or something. I have also felt that hiking wouldn't be a bad choice either. I do love the outdoors despite my brief contact with it the past few years. Running outside isn't my favorite. But I have been tempted to possibly do a 5k or a marathon at least once this year just to see if I can do it. Normally, I would have some sort of self-conscious feeling that would tell me "Do you really want to run in a crowded race where your competitive side will be pissed off that you finished last?" Don't get me wrong, I love watching my fat ass struggle against the determination of healthier people, but this might not be a great idea. But I think I will opt to do this anyway. It's a challenge that I keep thinking about. Someone recently suggested that I take up climbing as well. I think that would be fun if I wasn't constantly afraid of plummeting to a splattery doom. Even then, my fear of heights would prevent me from doing anything meaningful or fun. Knowing my luck, I would just shit my pants and ruin it for the unfortunate climbing enthusiasts who were climbing below me. No climbing.

Now that I've effectively shared enough pointless information to the deaf ears of the internet. I think it would be most suitable for me to attempt sleep one more time. Just in case my body feels like it might be a good idea to fall asleep before 9 am.

That would be sweet.

Editing is for Suckers and Hippies

Dear Reader(s ?),

I am terrible at editing my own blogs. I realize this. I write them once and don't look over them a second time until days later. When it comes to a paper or an email, I take a fine tooth comb to every word and punctuation. But when I write here, I pretty much half-ass it. I treat this place as a journal where the thoughts just flow. I don't worry about anything but just writing. In turn, it sucks for me to go back and read how stupid I seem on here. Rest assured, I realize all my errors but am much too lazy to correct them unless boredom has simply overcome me.

In short, I'm not a dumbass (I realized the set-up I'm giving people to make a smart-assed remark that would indicate otherwise. However in this case, I'm referring to the fact that I'm not actually a dumbass as far as basic grammar goes no matter how much evidence is currently present on this page.)

Will I fix these minor errors that make some people want to scream?

Yes.

When?

Don't know.

Do I care that much?

 Nah.

Will it still be done?

Yes.

Have I driven this point home enough?

Probably.

Will I go on with this self-questioning dialogue to stall for time because I'm too awake to sleep?



Not anymore.

Online Time Capsule

As promised, I said I would put more pictures in my blog. I will not disappoint.

As I was waiting for my sheets to come out of the dryer late tonight, I talked to an old childhood friend on Facebook. In the background, I was watching a Kevin Smith stand up which had lost my interest long ago. My friend spoke of the past. What was, what should have been, and what is not. I couldn't help but reflect on my own life because of his words (even if they were coming from a possibly drunken mind. I wasn't sure so I didn't ask). But I didn't look back so harshly as I tend to. Rather I tried to find other outlets too look back. Long lost outlets.

I logged into my old Myspace account. I remember how cool I thought I was lying about my age signing up for it. Initially I was just using it to promote my band. Funny thing was, I was one of the first 500 users to sign up for the page. How was I supposed to know this "social network" thing was going to take off. Myspace was more than just a band promoting tool, and later on a social social. It became a time capsule of who I was when I was young. I stopped using it a lot about four years ago. I used it sporadically in between. But when I log in now, I see a portrait of who I was. Who I thought I was. The pictures posted. The personal information. The countless blogs. I went through that old page and traveled back in time, to when I was a sophomore in high school. I looked at old pictures long forgotten (also forgotten in the sense that I don't have them saved on a hard drive any where.) I looked at old friends pages, that had also collected cyber dust if you will. Not only were they time capsules to their past, but mine and how much our lives were apart of each others. I saw posts that stretched as far back as 7 years.

I was so young and wreckless. So self absorbed and lost. It made me realize how much of my youth is now lost. I'm facing aging now. I'm only 24 at the time of this post. But looking back at pictures that I thought represented who I was made me realize how much has changed and yet, what hasn't changed but needs to. I won't bore you with those details. But I couldn't help but feel hopeless against the weight of time. Those pictures were memories that we speak so highly of to this day. And yet it seems like those types of memories were the last of them so long ago. I feel like Peter Pan and pathetic adults who refuse to grow up. Hanging on to the very last shred of youth. Looking back now, I realize I don't have as much of it as I used to.

I was maybe 17 in this picture. This is with my old band. In the middle is an old friend whom I haven't spoken to in years named Branden. At the far right is probably my oldest friend, Kyle. I've known him since 3rd grade. We don't talk or hang out as much as we used to. Our paths divided a long time ago. We still keep in touch but it will never be the same as it was. I laugh because I look so tan and baby faced.

This picture makes me laugh. This was a good and bad day rolled into one. This was about 4 years ago when I lived with my good friends Brennon and Matt in Murray. I found this picture on my Myspace with the caption "I was wrong about you, you are Top Gun material." I remember the quote. But I don't remember the backstory of the joke other than Jeff and I thought it was funny to wear aviators. Jeff had said it and I laughed hysterically. This day, we went to Lagoon, had an awesome time. Came back and threw a party at the apartment that went horribly wrong. It featured shady people being invited and me almost getting my ass kicked by a stranger looking for his girlfriend. We all look so chubby in this picture which has mostly to do with the deep fryer we had in our apartment. We lived off of it.

I used to think that when people told me I looked 12, I thought they were just being assholes. It pissed me off. When I look at this picture, I can see what they meant. This was an infamous party out in the desert where many embarrassing pictures surfaced. I have most of them. Joe has the others. This was back in my part days, when I drank twice a month (That was a lot for me.) Brennon was smoking cheap cigars trying to look like a hard ass in this picture. We took this picture with someones phone and sent it to Jeff. He was unable to make it because of a girl. We gave him so much shit for it. 

I laughed out loud when I saw this picture. It's so ridiculous. I only know this was a different desert party. Both me and RJ were drunk dancing around some fire that he had kicked out of a much much large fire with gasoline. I was dancing for some reason and RJ was jumping with joy. Ah, good times. Both pictures above I was 19. 

I doubt many people would guess from this picture that we were 19 in the picture. We look like we did when we graduated high school almost 2 years before. We had so much fun. We had each other. Before everyone scattered. Before we all decided where our lives should take us.

In the interest of time, I will just post the other pictures without stories or commentary. But enjoy the younger looking, vastly more arrogant me.

 Barely 19

 Spring of senior year, I thought I was cool

 I was 15 in this picture

 19 and smug

Early Senior Year. 

Well there you have it. Hope you enjoyed. Maybe I will post others on here. I don't know yet. But what I would like to do is transfer every single one of my Myspace blogs on to this blog with the appropriate date and everything so they aren't lost to me when I eventually forget the password. Or when the site inevitably shuts down. Keep your eye out for that. That is happening for sure.

Resolutioneers

No, My title was not a grammatical error on my part. Though it would not be shocking if it were since my blog tends to be saturated in errors. Anyway, I realized today that January was all but over. A little over a week is left of this month. January is usually not my best month. I tend to be sick every January. The air is crappy and it's cold. Just plain old miserable cold.

Despite the many flaws of this horrifically cold month, it does act as a symbol for the beginning of the year. New years obviously starts on the first. Some people love the concept of New years. It's the only holiday where you make resolutions to reinvent and presumably better one's self. Though statistically 80% of resolutioners give up by the 17th of January, it's not necessarily a bad thing. It is difficult to try to change your own habits. It's even more difficult to attempt to reinvent yourself. You can't reinvent yourself to get rid of who you have been. The same problems to stick around. But hey, who am I to judge? There is no other holiday with such a concept, which is intriguing in many ways. My favorite holiday is Fourth of July. I don't resolution myself to eat healthy or to be a better person on the Fourth. I'm most likely eating like crap or causing mischief on such a holiday.

Is this going anywhere you ask? No. I bet you were hoping I would share my resolutions. Truthfully, I don't really have one for the event of new years. I just like to think of it as a better way to live my year(s). Which will obviously include, do better in school, keep my weight off and maybe put on a little bit of muscle tone. And last but not least, I don't want to get punched at work at all this year. I think that's all reasonable and attainable. Right?

Right.

Well stay tuned folks. I promise I will start posting more pictures on my blogs again so you aren't reading such bland writing.

Reconnection

After a shift at work, it all came back to me. The answers to my more recent questions about why I'm so burned out at work.

I learned so much this past night. A doctor whom I admire, had taught me so much about just about everything this shift. It was like a breath of fresh air. This stagnant rut I had been in had suddenly started to dissipate. The rut isn't gone completely, but it's cracking. The doctor had later remarked about an experience they had way early in their career. They talked about the first time they ever shocked a patient with paddles and how it was the best day they could think of.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had lost compassion for medicine. I had stopped caring because I had peaked. Nothing was new. I hadn't learned anything. I've done everything I can do at my job and no one had bothered to teach me something new. That's what kept me going. I had remember the first time I had defibrillated a patient. I remember the awe. The excitement of something new. I want to see medicine through a fresh pair of eyes again. I want to see it as if it was the first time I had seen everything again. I want the awe and the rapture. I figured out. I just need to learn new and relevant information. I need to move forward. I need to not just learn technical skills but the science that comes with it. My eyes have been opened.

I have been in a proverbial stagnant puddle of urine as far as my skill and knowledge goes. Nothing was good because nothing surprised me. Because I thought I knew enough to move on. Wrong. There is so much I don't know and now so much I want to know. It is a renewed sense of inspiration I haven't felt in years. I want my eyes to brightened with awe from the information I can learn. I want my hopes and spirits to achieve to their full potential. I want to be somebody. I want to tap in the potential the I feel has been buried in the back of my head so long. I want to be useful, respected and pertinent. I need to do this for me because I want it and need it.

This is it. I think I can do this. I just can't get scared now.